Yesterday was amazing. Our fireflies stayed outside, next to each other. Topanga went home, but she's supposed to come in a few minutes.
I need to be perfect for her. In my room... well mine and Eric's room, since Morgan just took my room, I took some of Eric's body spray and I sprayed it across my body. I think I used too much, though, because it's all I can smell in here.
Eric walks in and I throw the can under the desk. He then coughs, laughing. "Cor, have you been using my body spray?" He continues chuckling.
"Whats funny?" I ask him.
"Cor, why are you so bent up about Tomato?"
"Topanga" I correct him angrily.
"Ooh, no need to get feisty little bro, I'm just saying. It's not natural. Other people your age haven't been married for their entire lives. You aren't suppposed to like girls"
"Then what am I supposed to do?" I can't imagine not liking Topanga. She's been my whole life. But I listen to Eric, as he always gives me brotherly advice.
"When I was your age, I hated girls, and all my friends did too. They had 'cooties' " he waved his fingers in the air as he said it. "We used to argue with the girls in our class. It isn't cool to like a girl when you're a kid. We used to throw dirt at all the girls"
"Am... am I supposed to do that? How could I?" It seems impossible. But when is Eric wrong about what's cool, what people think and do?
"You can't be cool if you spend your whole school life with a girl. People will make fun of you, and you'll never get to have fun"
"Topanga's here, Cory!" I hear my Mom shout from downstairs.
"Throw... dirt" Eric reminds me. "Cmon, I'll take you downstairs." We walk together down the stairs, and Topanga is sitting on the couch.
"Hello, Cory!" Her voice shounds like anyone's my age, still a baby, but I know she is smart and spiritual, like her family. "Let's go outside and see our Fireflies"
She outstretches her hand to grab mine, but for the first time in my life, I pull away. My hand is sweaty, and I don't want her to know that I'm nervous, or trembling.
But she does. "Cory, why are you shaking? It's not cold" she looks concerned. "You seem upset" she declares as we walk outside."It must be because of all that body spray I can smell. So much of it, polluting the earth! How do you handle when your brother wears that much, and it rubs off on you!"
Eric looks offended, but I am relieved that she didn't know why I was upset. Still, I don't know what I'm going to do. She walks up to the jars, admiring the bugs inside.
"Wanna be cool little bro? Here's your chance!" Eric whispers into my ear.
I bend down and grab dirt in my hands, one clump in each. This might hurt me. But I can't cry. Not in front of her.
She doesn't turn around, but I hurl the dirt across the small gap between us, and it hits her shoulder. Now she turns around.
"What are you doing, Cory?" She asks calmly. "Are you angry at me?"
Without another word, I throw the other one at her, and it hits her in the stomach this time. Hard. The force winds her, and she grabs her tummy, slamming her back into the table. This knocks over the jars, which fall onto the floor, and smash. The little insects fly away into the day.
Instantly, my Mom starts running to help her up. "What happened?" She asks the girl.
"Cory...what's this about?" Topanga looks me in the eyes, and I fight every urge to let a tear escape, threat burning, chest heavy, head reeling.
"You're a girl. Girls have cooties. Girls are yucky, girls aren't cool. " I yell, at the top of my voice. It's the only way I can talk without crying.
With the help of my mom, Topanga makes her way inside, and out the door. I hear her crying, and I hear my mom apologizing to hers on the phone. All muffled. Eventually I hear her leave.
"You're cool, little bro" Eric pats me on the back, and only then do I let the tears escape. I have been sitting on the floor in the garden since it happened. Just staring into space. But the tears are coming out now.
"Hey, hey, Cor, cool guys don't blubber like babies! You're nearly seven, you're a big boy now."
I sniff, momentarily keeping the tears in again. My eyes face my older brother's and I almost cry again, but I don't. I need to keep them in forever from now on. Big boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. I don't cry. Not for Topanga, not for anyone.