Through Another's Eyes
By Neurotica
Nine
Sirius Black crossed the threshold of St. Mungo's long term Janus Thickey Ward and nodded at the medi-witch sat behind the tall counter, taking up the quill to sign his name to the visitors' register.
"Morning, Malina," Sirius said quietly, gesturing to the ward's door with a jerk of his head. "How is he today?"
The black-haired woman smiled. "One of his good days, Sirius," she told him, patting his hand as he laid down the quill. She walked around the counter, a large key ring in hand. "I swear, he knows when one of you is coming to visit; he always seems a bit more... active, than normal."
Sirius smiled at that and followed Malina to a door most people overlooked when visiting this floor. It was a plain white door with a tiny, circular window set in the top. Once opened, they were stood at the beginning of a long corridor with about a dozen doors on both sides; the doors led to small rooms that belonged to those who had lost their souls to dementors over the years, or at least the ones who'd survived. More often than not, the trauma of losing one's soul tended to damage one's body to the point of no recovery. Glancing at the medi-witch with a smile, Sirius set off down the corridor, knowing better than to look into the windows of the other Dementor's Kiss victims. He knew which door was his without having to really look anyway.
He stopped in front of the fifth door on the right and put his hand on the knob, glancing back at Malina. At his tiny nod, she tapped her wand on a spot on a wall chart; Sirius heard a click from the doorknob, signaling it was now unlocked. He pulled open the door and entered, his eyes darting to the photos pasted to nearly every free inch of wall, most of which depicted four young boys in various poses and phases of life. In nearly all of them was the short, rather pudgy blue-eyed, brown-haired form of Peter Pettigrew. The man himself, or what was left of him, was resting on his hospital bed with his knees pulled to his chest as he gazed blankly at four stuffed animals that stood on a shelf across from him.
Sirius swallowed heavily and blinked a few times before plastering a smile on his face. "Hey, Wormtail," he said cheerfully, crossing the small room and pulling out a desk chair to sit down. "I know I'm a little early this month, but I thought you could use some company."
Peter's eyes very slowly traveled from the wall and found Sirius. It had been years since Sirius had felt the pang of disappointment when he saw there was no recognition for him in his friend's eyes; still, every time he hoped there might be something, anything that assured him the old Peter was still there somewhere, just unable to escape from the madness.
Shaking himself, Sirius reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a bag of Bertie Bott's Beans made up especially for Peter—all of his favorite flavors—and opened it. Mechanically, Peter inched across the bed and held a hand out. Sirius chuckled, reached out to steady his friend's shaking hand, and poured a small handful of beans into the waiting palm. Pouring some for himself, Sirius leaned back in his chair, watching as Peter very carefully selected his first bean. He couldn't remember which of his friends—James, Remus, or himself—had been the first to bring the beans on one of these visits, but it had been the first time since Peter's accident that he actually seemed to display something of his old self. The Healers reminded the wizards on every visit that there was no recovery from a Dementor's Kiss and that Peter's fondness for the sweets didn't mean his condition was improving; nevertheless, the Marauders refused to give up on the little nuances that reminded them Peter was still there, even if they couldn't reach him.
"Been a hell of few months, mate," Sirius said rather lightly. "That mess with Harry... And just this week alone. Remus finally found somebody he cared about, who cared about him, who didn't care about his furry little problem. She was pretty and funny, and didn't let old Moony get into his little strops. You'd've liked her." He shook his head and found himself blurting out everything he'd been feeling for the last few months that he hadn't shared with James or Remus, but when he got to the weekend past, he stopped dead, uncertain how to proceed. "I still have no idea what happened to me. I don't know what I was made to do. Dumbledore thinks I was under a combination of Imperius, Confundus, and a very strong memory charm. For all I know, I was the person who..." He shut his eyes tightly, unable to finish his sentence, even to a man who couldn't reply.
He only opened his eyes when he felt the bag of Bertie Bott's being tugged at. Peter wanted more. Sirius chuckled weakly and poured him another handful, and forced himself to change the subject. He spent another hour with Peter talking about Quidditch and Ministry politics and any other inconsequential topic that came to mind. Before leaving, he dropped the remainder of the beans on Peter's bedside table, dropped a kiss on top of Peter's brown head of hair, and promised another visit soon.
As he left the hospital, Sirius reminded himself of what was to come that day—just an hour, according to his watch; he'd spent longer than intended with Peter—and prepared to Apparate.
For the second time in less than a week, Harry had snuck out of the castle late in the night, desperate for some breathing room and time to think. Hermione would be returning to school tomorrow, according to a short note she'd sent Ron and Neville, and Harry had been debating whether this was the right time to let her in on some of his secrets. He felt guilty, he supposed, about her aunt's death; after all, most of the Aurors had been off searching for Sirius and Piper when Helen was killed, and it was all on Harry's word that they were off on the other side of the country. It had been all for nothing, too, since the vision Harry had seen apparently hadn't happened here at all...
"You shouldn't be out here."
Harry started from where he sat beneath the Invisibility Cloak against a beech tree overlooking the Hogwarts lake. Hesitantly, he looked up finding Sirius Black standing feet from him, his eyes locked on the smooth water, a slight smirk on his face. For a moment, Harry thought perhaps the other wizard wasn't talking to him at all, perhaps another student had snuck out of the school and was sitting nearby. When Sirius turned to look directly at him, Harry cursed under his breath.
"Don't be so surprised," Sirius said, sitting beside Harry on the ground. Harry resignedly removed the cloak. "You think I spent seven years using that thing and didn't learn a thing or two about spotting someone under it? The grass where you're sitting is flattened; grass doesn't do that naturally."
Harry rolled his eyes at himself. "Right," he muttered grudgingly.
Sirius chuckled. "It's all right, I'm not going to report you," he said. "It'd be right hypocritical of me, really, considering what James and I used to get up to..." He chuckled a little before trailing off, glancing sideways at Harry. "Of course you probably don't know much about that..."
Harry shrugged. "No, not much," he admitted quietly. "I mean, Professor Lupin told me a bit—" He broke off when Sirius snorted a laugh.
"Sorry," Sirius replied, grinning. "Just, there are a few things I can't seem to get past when it comes to where you came from, and Moony as a professor is one of them."
Harry suddenly felt quite defensive of his former professor. "He was brilliant," he told Sirius rather stiffly. "If it hadn't been for him, I don't know how I would've made it through third year."
"It's not that," Sirius told him. "I know Remus is brilliant and that he'd make an excellent teacher. I'm sure if the circumstances were tweaked a touch, he'd have been one, but some of the things he's been through..." He shrugged. "I don't think it would've worked out here."
Harry nodded in understanding, though he was bursting with curiosity, and the pair sat silently for long minutes. "So what're you doing here?" Harry asked quietly.
"Just a bit of extra security," Sirius replied. "There's usually one of us around after curfew, keeping an eye on things. Normally, we don't show ourselves to anyone, though."
"So why did you tonight?" Harry asked curiously. Though he had come out here to escape the castle and get a bit of quiet, he didn't mind in the least that he suddenly had company. And really, this Sirius Black was still a rather unknown entity. Harry had had conversations with his godfather over the last several weeks, but usually when they were in the company of others; Sirius seemed a little cautious around Harry, or maybe that was just Harry's paranoia making itself known again. When they had talked, it was light conversation, nothing in-depth, and as an unspoken rule, neither of them spoke about where Harry was from or how he'd gotten here.
"A lot on my mind, I suppose," Sirius sighed, leaning back on his hands and stretching his legs out in front of him. "Probably the same reason you're out here, I reckon."
Harry nodded slowly, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. "How's Remus?" he asked quietly.
"About as well as you'd expect him to be," Sirius said dryly. "Moony's not much for sharing his feelings and all that, even when people expect him to, even when it'd be perfectly understandable to show a bit of emotion." Sirius shrugged. "We've learned over the years how to deal with each other's moods. The only thing we can do for Moony right now is to leave him be. Too much coddling and he'll snap."
"Wasn't the funeral today?" Harry asked.
Sirius nodded. "Yes, and we were all there. Remus said about five words the entire day. Don't worry yourself too much about him, though, he'll be fine with time." He glanced over at Harry, forcing a smile. "And anyway, I think the more pressing matter is why you've wandered out here all on your own. If I was any sort of responsible godfather, I'd be telling you we're living in very dangerous times and even the grounds of Hogwarts with all the protective wards and charms and the even more protective and watchful eyes of Albus Dumbledore, the teaching staff, and the Aurors standing guard isn't as safe as we'd like it to be." He shot Harry a genuine grin. "However, luckily for you, I am no sort of responsible godfather, as your mother reminds me on a tri-weekly basis."
Harry laughed. Sirius winked.
"So what's on your mind?" Sirius asked quietly, once the amusement had passed.
Sighing, Harry remained silent for a few moments, wondering if he could really open up to somebody right now. Remus had become his confidant, giving him advice, setting his mind at ease. But Remus had his own problems to deal with and if he was honest with himself, Harry knew he needed to get some things off his chest. Was Sirius really the best option, though?
Who else is there?he asked himself. The only person in the school who knows what I've gone through is Caleb, and regardless of how smart he is, he'd look at me like I was completely mental. Going to Dumbledore just seems like overkill. Mum and Dad are dealing with other things...
Sirius won't mind, said another voice. He likes feeling needed, he gives pretty decent advice, and has a knack of making you laugh when you most need it.
Looks to me like he might need someone to talk to himself, Harry thought back, glancing at the wizard sitting beside him. Though Sirius had showed an interest in what Harry was thinking, he'd rather quickly reverted to staring out at the lake, his brow furrowed deeply as he brooded. Before Harry quite made up his mind about whether he wanted to trouble Sirius with his own thoughts, the older wizard turned back to him and spoke.
"Do you mind if I ask a question?"
Slightly surprised at the sudden change in topic, Harry shook his head. "Not at all."
"Just tell me to bugger off if you don't want to talk about it..." Harry's curiosity increased tenfold as the older wizard drew in a deep breath and shook his head as though he was starting to second guess whatever it was he was about to talk about. "Remus told us, a while ago, about these... visions that you have every so often. Apparently it was how Remus and your dad knew where to find me."
Harry's brow furrowed, uncertain whether he wanted to know where this conversation was headed. Any time anyone asked him about the visions he'd experienced, whether here or in his home world, he'd felt like they were putting him on display somehow, or perhaps like they were judging him. It could all have been paranoia, but whenever he discussed his visions with Remus or Lily or James, he swore they'd edged away from him, just a little. He didn't want that to happen with Sirius.
"These visions," Sirius began hesitantly, "do they seem... real? Like you're really awake, really experiencing these things, but you know there's no way you possibly could be."
Harry nodded slowly. That about summarized how his visions felt. "Sort of," he answered quietly. "A lot of the time I'm just watching whatever's going on, never participating. It seems like a dream, but in a dream you can do things, can't you? If you want to change something, more often than not, you can. But the visions... I usually feel powerless and by the time I get to whatever the point of the vision is, I wind up screaming myself awake and terrifying my dorm mates." Harry glanced at his godfather out of the corner of his eye, half-expecting the wizard to make a joke of some sort, but Sirius was staring thoughtfully out at the lake. "Er, why do you ask?"
"No reason," Sirius told him after several silent, brooding moments. He'd even managed to force a smile onto his face as he said it, glancing at his watch. "I should be getting on with my patrol; if McGonagall or James find out not only did I take a break, but that I let you stay out here as long as you have, they'll hex me. Come on, I'll walk you to the castle."
Though Harry wanted to protest that he was perfectly able to walk himself back to the castle and Sirius could get back to his patrol, he remained silent as he picked up his invisibility cloak and followed Sirius towards the school. He kept sneaking glances at his godfather, wondering what was on the man's mind. With his hands stuffed deeply into his pockets, his eyes fixed on his shoes, his shoulders hunched, this Sirius Black very strongly resembled the Sirius Black Harry had met that night in the Shrieking Shack. Harry wanted to keep questioning Sirius about why he'd asked what he had about Harry's visions; he didn't think Sirius was in the sharing mood anymore, though.
As they reached the castle doors, Sirius seemed to revert back to his normal self. "Be careful getting back to the tower; Filch is on a bit of a rampage after someone dropped a bag of dungbombs from the seventh floor a few weeks back. The whole school stank for days and he still hasn't caught the culprit." The pair shared a grin and Harry got the feeling the culprit Filch was looking for wasn't a student, but an Auror.
"Night," Harry said, heading up the front steps of the school.
Sirius raised his hand in farewell and started to turn away as Harry opened the door. Before the boy could enter, Sirius turned back. "Harry," he said suddenly. "One more thing..." Harry turned towards his godfather, nodding for him to go on. Sirius walked up the stairs before continuing, studying Harry's face closely. "Have you ever been to Grimmauld Place?"
Harry's brow furrowed in thought. "No," he said slowly. "Don't think so."
"Ever heard of it?"
Harry shook his head. "No. Should I have?"
Sirius studied his face for a few more moments before shaking his own head. "No," he said quietly. "No, of course not. Forget I said anything. Good night, Harry."
"Night," Harry responded, bemused, as Sirius turned on his heel and walked briskly towards the school gates.
What's Grimmauld Place? Harry asked himself, starting to head back to Gryffindor Tower.
Not sure,replied the voice in the back of his mind after a few minutes, sounding just as confused as Harry felt. Sounds familiar,though.
By the time he reached the common room, Harry was no closer to figuring out his godfather than he had been out by the lake. He quietly crept into the fifth year boys' dorm, wincing every time his foot touched a slightly loose floor board. Silently, he changed into his pajamas and climbed into bed, closing his eyes. He remained unaware of the pair of blue eyes watching him from the bed across the room.
James stood in the doorframe of his office in Auror Headquarters, watching his fellow Aurors work on their various cases. It had been nearly a week since Helen's death and Piper's kidnapping, and they weren't any closer to working out what really happened in either incident. James was becoming increasingly bothered by Sirius' behavior over the last few days: Sirius, who admittedly tended to withdraw into himself whenever something bothered him, had been more aloof than usual. He declined whenever one of his friends asked if he wanted to have drinks after work or when Lily invited him to the house for dinner. James couldn't recall the last time his best friend had turned down one of Lily's meals, if he ever had. Whenever James tried to talk to Sirius about what had happened the night he went missing. A couple times it seemed as though Sirius was finally going to open up and tell James what he'd remembered; at the last second, however, Sirius only shook his head and spouted off the same fuzz he'd been giving them since that night. After having drinks with Remus in Hogsmeade, he didn't remember anything more until his friends had found him in that abandoned apartment building. And at first, James had been willing to give his best friend the benefit of the doubt—nobody knew Sirius Black like James knew him after all, and the chances of Sirius murdering anyone, let alone an innocent woman, were slim.
But people change, whispered a cynical voice in James' mind. You've seen it before. Stress builds up, people get afraid and start doing things they wouldn't do normally. And everyone knows Sirius hasn't really been the same since Peter was Kissed...
James tried to shake the thoughts, but doubt had been seeping through the cracks for too long.
He suddenly jerked his head to the side as a Ministry interdepartmental memo shot past him into his office, grazing his ear. Cursing under his breath, James reached up to his ear, feeling the paper cut it had left as he entered his office. It wasn't the first time the memos had made him bleed, and certainly wouldn't be the last.
I'd take the owls and their mess again in a bloody heartbeat, he thought darkly, closing the door and sitting behind his desk where the memo was buzzing violently until he tapped it with his wand. The parchment unfolded itself and lay flat and quiet on the desk so James could read.
Every sentence was read with an increasingly heavy heart. 'Incontrovertible evidence...Eyewitnesses...Magical traces of illegal and Unforgivablecurses...'
James felt bile rise into his throat as he reached the end of the memo. He knew what he had to do next, knew that if he didn't do it, someone else would. It was too late for talking, too late for explanations and excuses. Glancing briefly at a photo on his desk, one of himself and his friends taken weeks before Peter's accident, James took a deep breath, folding and pocketing the memo he'd been sent before exiting his office. His eyes found Sirius immediately, talking to Tonks about something or another. There were several ways he could handle this, but only one that might—if it turned out the Ministry was wrong—save James' friendship with Sirius.
"Kingsley," he said quietly, approaching the other Auror's desk.
Kingsley looked up from whatever he was writing, his brow furrowing when he spotted the expression on James' face. "What?" he asked just as quietly.
James gestured for Kingsley to stand and grab his wand. "Need you to follow my lead and keep it quiet."
Obviously still baffled by James' behavior, Kingsley nodded and followed James to Sirius' cubicle, luckily finding Tonks had returned to her own desk. "Sirius," James said, his wand at his side. Sirius looked up, forcing a grin onto his face until he spotted James wasn't alone.
"What's going on?" Sirius asked evenly, quickly eyeing both wizards' wands before meeting James' eyes again.
James swallowed heavily. "I need you to come with us, please," he said, trying to keep his tone business-like. "And it would be in your best interest not to make a scene."
Realization passed across Sirius' face shortly before the look James had been afraid of seeing since he read that memo—the look that suggested James had just committed the ultimate betrayal. Both expressions were gone in an instant, replaced by Sirius' tightened jaw as he nodded. As requested, he stood up, letting James take and pocket his wand, then followed his two fellow Aurors out of headquarters as though they were just going to the cafeteria for coffee. The walk was silent until they reached the Ministry holding cells two corridors down. James walked to the end of the long room and opened one of the cell doors, looking up at Sirius.
"Going to tell me what this is about first?" Sirius asked quietly.
"You're being placed under arrest for the murder of Helen Snowe and the kidnapping of my daughter," James said evenly.
Sirius nodded as though he was agreeing to something simple, then walked into the cell and sat down on the cot against the far wall, watching expressionlessly as James shut the cell door behind him. "You're wrong about this," Sirius told him matter-of-factly.
James nodded back. "I hope so," he replied before turning away and gesturing for Kingsley to follow him out of the holding cells.
"You did what?" Lily asked incredulously.
James sighed heavily, his head in his hands, elbows resting on the kitchen table. "I already told you twice," he said blandly. "Why do I need to go through it a third time?"
"Because we're not exactly clear on the specifics," Remus responded from across the table. "You haven't told us why you put Sirius in the holding cells."
Hoping to drag out the time before he had to come clean about the charges against Sirius, James leaned back in his chair, running his hands through his hair. He'd come home from the Ministry hoping for a quiet night, a bottle of Ogden's, and maybe a little comforting from Lily. Instead, he'd arrived to find Lily and Remus in the kitchen talking quietly over tea, and his plans had immediately gone away. It was the first time he'd seen Remus looking even remotely like himself since Helen's funeral, and when they'd asked where Sirius was, he'd blurted out what had happened that day.
"Look, you have to understand that if I hadn't taken Sirius down, someone else would have," James told them, staring at the table. "Someone who would have made the whole thing into a public spectacle."
"Made what into a public spectacle, James?" Lily asked exasperatedly, rubbing her temples.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out as slowly as possible, James looked at his wife, then Remus, and held his friend's eyes as he spoke. "Evidence was discovered," James began slowly, "that puts Sirius at Helen's house the night she was killed, as well as here an when Piper was kidnapped."
The blood drained out of Remus' and Lily's faces rapidly. "No," Lily whispered. "James, he wouldn't..."
James shrugged helplessly. "I didn't think so either," he replied. "But Sirius hasn't been himself for months. Think about it, Lil. There's no way in hell he would have let Lucius Malfoy stun him, certainly not when he's running security charms on the Hogwarts Express. We didn't see him until that battle was nearly over, and by then, it was too bloody late, wasn't it? Now he disappears just in time for Helen to be killed, then for Piper to go missing, and he swears he has no memory of anything that happened that night."
"That doesn't mean he's guilty, James!" Lily argued. "There could be other explanations. The Imperius Curse, for example. Or a memory charm."
James shook his head. "Lily, he was checked out by Healers after we found him. There was no trace of any of that." He sighed deeply. "Believe me, I don't want to believe my best friend is capable of something like this, but unless we find another explanation, there's nothing I can do."
Lily looked away from him to Remus who was currently staring at the kitchen table, jaw set. "Remus?" she said quietly, reaching over to touch his arm. His eyes snapped up to meet hers. "You okay?"
"Brilliant," Remus said hoarsely, his eyes darting away. "There's every chance in the world my best friend killed my..." He trailed off, tightening his jaw again.
James closed his eyes tightly. He hadn't thought about Remus' reaction to all this, hadn't really considered what this news might do to him so soon after Helen's death. "Moony..." he said quietly.
Remus shook his head. "I'm fine, James," he said, straightening up again and even managing to force the fakest smile James had ever seen onto his face. "Lily, do you need help with dinner?"
Without waiting for a reply, Remus stood from the table and headed over to the counter. Lily sighed, sent James a glare for good measure, and stood to help Remus.
Sirius lay on the cot inside his cell, head resting on his crossed arms, staring at the ceiling. He'd known it was only a matter of time before something like this happened, ever since he'd seen the look in James' eyes the night Piper had disappeared. He'd tried repeatedly to convince himself James wouldn't really think like that, wouldn't suspect him, not even for an instant, that he could ever have any part in harming his family. Hell, he'd tried repeatedly to convince himself that he'd never harm his best friend's family, but considering how very little he remembered from that night, his best efforts were wasted. He couldn't even honestly claim he hadn't killed Helen Snowe.
At the very thought of the woman, Sirius winced, knowing that by now Remus would have been told everything that was going on. Would he think the same thing as James or would he jump to Sirius' defense? Sirius suspected the former. And of course all the evidence supposedly pointed to Sirius as the culprit, so why would any of them believe anything else?
Just as Sirius was considering hailing the Auror guarding the holding cells for something to eat and maybe a heating charm for that end of the room, the door opened. There was a very brief, whispered conversation, jangling of what sounded to be coins, and the door opened and closed again, leaving the room in silence. It was a few moments of Sirius straining his ears and trying to see who was out there. Ministry regulations dictated that whenever the holding cells were occupied, at least one Auror was required to remain, no matter what.
Very slowly, footsteps could be heard making their way towards the end of the room. Instinctively, since James took his wand, Sirius backed up against the wall of his cell, running through a list of things he could do to defend himself, should it come to that. That list was long forgotten as a tall woman with long brown hair and blue eyes stepped into Sirius' line of sight. Within seconds, he recalled from whom he'd received a letter the night of Piper's disappearance. He recalled what had happened when he'd responded to that letter to meet with its writer, and he felt himself stiffen, his jaw clench as her eyes met his.
"If I had my wand..." he growled.
Elicia Bode raised an eyebrow, reached into her robes for her own wand, and offered it to Sirius. "If you had your wand, what, Black? You'd curse me? Kill me? If that's really what you want, fine, but you might want to at least let me speak first..."
Sirius eyed the wand for a few moments, knowing she'd let him take it and do what he wished with it. He looked back at her, his hands wrapping around the bars of his cell. "What do you want?" he asked.
"To tell you I'm sorry," she said simply, pocketing her wand again. "To tell you I didn't have a choice in this." She sighed, glancing over at the door briefly. "I don't have much time. In a few minutes, you're going to be released, placed on a house arrest charm. The charges against you will hold and there isn't anything I or anyone else can do to change that. There's a lot to explain and I can't do it right now. I'll come talk to you when I get a chance."
Both of them turned their heads towards the door as they heard footsteps approaching. Sirius opened his mouth to say something to her, anything, but she shook her head, silencing him. "I have to go before they get back. Just, please, I know I've given you no reason to, but you have to trust me on this. I'll see you soon."
Sirius stared after her as she disappeared into what he suspected to be the bathroom right before the holding cell door opened and two Aurors walked down to his cell.
"Black," the younger one said, tapping his wand on the cell door, opening it. "Bail's been paid, you can go home. You're being placed under a surveillance charm—should you leave your home for any reason, you can expect to spend the rest of your days in Azkaban. Someone will be by in the morning to make sure you haven't tampered with anything. Any questions?"
"Yeah," Sirius said, exiting the cell and following the two Aurors out of the room. "Can I have my wand back now?"
As he passed it, Sirius' eyes lingered on the bathroom door, wondering if Elicia was still there or if she'd managed to Disapparate. But he put all thoughts of her, and everything else, out of his mind as the overwhelming need to go home and drink until he passed out overtook him.
AN: Don't suppose you guys'd accept new job and getting married as an acceptable excuse for not updating for seven months, would you? Yeah, didn't think so... Please review.