Disclaimer: The wording is mine but the characters aren't

OOOOOOOOO

"You got shot Kate. But don't think for a moment you were the only one hurt. Or maybe I'm just weak. But what about Ryan, Espo? What about your father, Kate? He watched his only daughter get shot. And Alexis? She barely talked for weeks because she watched one of the few women she looks up to get shot. And her father couldn't do anything."

As the helplessness of that moment threatened to swallow him he closed his eyes and tried to regain some balance.

"I understand what you did, Kate. I've done my best to make my peace with that. I'm not perfect and I don't expect or want you to be. But don't you dare think for one second that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."

OOOOOOOOO

They didn't fight often. This was good, because they were good at it. But obviously being good at fighting is not a good thing. The problem was that they usually had a reason. Only their relationship was not one that allowed them to talk about it so they both repressed it until it blew up in their faces. Usually in spectacular fashion.

The words they say hurt as do the space and resulting uncertainty after.

Kate knew that. She had spent months hurting over Castle every summer since she had met him. And part of it was guilt and anger at herself as much as him because, damn him, he was usually right. And she hated that he was right and had called her out almost as much as she hated herself for having the problem in the first place.

In order to cope and deflect the attention away from herself, she always chose to direct that anger towards him. She had never really allowed herself more than a fleeting thought as to how their fights were affecting him. His pain. She always knew at the back of her heart that he was hurting. It made her feel worse so she ignored it as much as possible. Of course they were fighting but what he said was always the truth. That always triggered her defenses and she snapped at him far stronger than needed and usually with a response as unfair and inaccurate as it was undeserved.

The last time it had ended with her and a literal hole in her heart.

This time was different though. She literally could not get away from him. And she saw his pain. And it hurt a hell of a lot more than her own. After all he only said something that her therapist had been telling her in more subtle ways. But why the hell did he have to call her on it? As well as he knew her, he had to know that he was the one person she didn't want to hear it from.

There was just too much. No matter what he said it was bound to hit her. The summer. Her mother's case. Her relationships. Their relationship. Her problems.

No wonder she snapped. Why god did she have to snap? Spew out those thoughts that barely even made sense to her most of the time? And at him. The one person she never wanted to hurt. How could she say she didn't trust him? He was one of about four people on the planet who she could say she did trust.

Now with him at her side, she could barely remember what it was she was so upset about him saying. She couldn't because she could just see him and what she had done to him. Was doing. Every time she didn't make things right.

The thing that made her feel physically nauseous was that he seemed to expect it. She could see the guilt winning out over the pain. He believed her rantings. That it was his fault. He had already forgiven her and was beating himself up using her words. As if she hadn't done enough to him already.

But she was trying. And he was so patient. She had to stop taking that for granted.

Maybe the fact that she did was a hint that she actually believed him on some level when he said always.

She believed he would wait for her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Trying to convince her that she could trust him and all he did was reinforce that she couldn't trust him. He knew-hell even she knew that he knew- how fragile she really was. Maybe she was right; she shouldn't trust him. He was too caught up in selfishly wanting her to understand that he pushed too far. Maybe always looking for the silver lining had side effects. He was so blinded by the possibility that if she heard and understood things would be so much better, that he never stopped long enough to consider saying it could break them.

It was probably a good thing he was physically tied to her now, he realized with a sinking in his gut because he knew that in a second she was going to run again. This time he didn't think she would ever stop.

But he couldn't do it. As many times as he had tried, he knew without a doubt that he, Richard Castle, could not leave Katherine Beckett. And one day she was going to stop letting him back in.

He was honest enough with himself to know that was the day he dreaded more than most.

He had to apologize.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

She had to say something. She had to apologize.

She didn't want to keep on hurting him. This was not the way you thanked the person who was always there for you.

The problem was, she didn't have a clue as to how to do it. It wasn't a question of pride. With him it didn't matter how it looked. It was just she didn't have the words. Their round about way of communication, their body language was usually sufficient. It patched the hole. But the hole was still there and no matter how many times they fell into it, without the right words, all they could ever do was patch it.

She desperately wanted to fill it permanently.

"Rick," she barely made out the whisper. But she knew that he would hear her. He had to hear her.

He turned towards her and she felt her stomach sink as she took in the look on his face. He thought that this was the moment she was going to kick him out for good. The pain in the resigned look. The guilt and a faint touch of panic. God, look what she had lowered him to.

Seeing it the few words she had conjured, died.

At her silence his face dropped more and he swallowed. "Kate, I.."

It seemed like a worldwide bestselling author didn't have the words either.

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He should leave. He would but for the steel around his wrist. Is this what Lanie had been anticipating? Richard Castle could not recall a single instance where he had been even remotely displeased with the Medical Examiner. This would be the first.

As Kate's best friend, Lanie must be astute. She would have to be to keep Kate from falling into all the holes in her life. Not to mention still be her friend after even trying.

So it made sense that Lanie should have known by handcuffing them together they were bound to fight. And the odds of it being just a small, insignificant fight were practically zero. But she still did it.

When he next saw her in 17 hours, she better have a damn good, logical reason why she did it, knowing it would cause Kate pain. The last fight they had would have broken their partnership but for the circumstances which followed. It sure as hell wasn't a walk in the park for him either. He should have learnt his damn lesson; kept his mouth shut. How many chances did he have left? What if she didn't let him back in this time?