Elena counted the dead on her fingers.
One. She knew from Stefan that her mother had died first, had slipped beneath the waters and simply never resurfaced. Two. Her father was the next casualty, trading his life for hers, refusing to be saved until it was too late. She remembered them, side-by-side in their matching coffins. She'd insisted on seeing them one last time before they were lowered into the cold earth, Mom in her favorite red dress, Dad in a suit. No tie. He hated ties. Both gray and battered beneath the mortician's makeup, both familiar and unearthly and irrevocably dead
Three. Vicki. She wished she'd liked Vicki more, but Vicki was too much her mother's daughter. Elena had always believed that Jeremy was better than Vicki, that he'd outgrow his wild-child ways and leave her to a future that spiraled downwards, but Elea never wanted it to end like that, never wanted her to die a rabid animal.
Four. Grams. Even in her old age, she was so strong. But she was gone and cold and dead, too. Because of her. Because of Damon.
Five. Anna. Beautiful Anna, the eternal child. Anna who'd tried to kill her; Anna who loved Jeremy even beyond death.
Six. Lexi. She'd never given up on Stefan. No matter how hard he fought to escape her, no matter how hard he swore he didn't want to be saved, Lexi dove in and saved him anyway. But Elena had given up, and there was no Lexi to save him this time. More blood on Damon's hands.
Seven. Isobel. The mother she'd never known, the selfish girl who'd thrown love away with both hands to grab immortality. The capricious and cruel vampire. The woman who'd seen only disappointment in her daughter's eyes as flames engulfed her.
Eight. Jenna. Aunt and guardian, friend and confidant. She'd only wanted to be free to live her life, free to study and to love and to smoke the occasional joint and be the fun aunt. She was brave enough to try to save them all, even when she didn't understand the odds or the stakes.
Nine. John. The uncle she'd hated, the father she hadn't known. He was a zealot and a dick and a good man. She'd never shown him a scrap of love or gratitude, but he'd given his life for her anyway. He'd promised to love her, whether she was a human who lived a mortal life and bore children and died, or she became the thing he hated most in the world.
Ten. Bill. A father who doted on his daughter but left her, who returned to break her but found she was made of sterner stuff.
And then she was out of fingers, but there was still Alaric to count. The man who'd loved Isobel and Jenna, the teacher who'd taught her to survive, the guardian who stood by her even after everyone else was gone. Ric, the warrior and the broken man and the alcoholic. She'd killed him in cold blood.
So many dead. So many she couldn't even hold them all in her hands. How many more could she lose?
"He's going to be fine, Elena. He's got the ring, he's going to be fine," Damon said, suddenly kneeling next to her. Elena wasn't sure which of them he was trying to convince with his words.
She started to argue, started to pour our all her fears about why the ring wouldn't work, about how Alaric had nearly died last time, but then she saw Damon's pale, exhausted face, the worry and grief naked in his eyes, how his hands gripped Ric's arm, and she silenced herself. He knew the score. All they could do was wait.
"It'll just take time," Elena said, loosening her hold on Ric's blood-encrusted shirt. Damon nodded and drew her into his arms. His grip was nearly painful, but Elena wouldn't have moved for the world. They held silent vigil over their fallen friend. Elena's fingers twined through Damon's. He'd lost, too.
His mother. How long ago had she died, what had become of her? Was it illness? War? A supernatural attack? He never spoke of her. His father, sacrificed to fuel Stefan's transition. He'd thought he lost Katherine for so long, mourned her and hoped for her return. Rose, pale and tragic. Andie, his plaything and pet. Damon had lost and found Stefan so many times now, she couldn't even keep track. Yes, Damon knew loss.
But somewhere in this dark tunnel, they'd found each other. Each death, reaching back a hundred years and more, had brought them together. Was it worth the trail of broken bodies that lay scattered behind them to know this love now? No. But as they sat together now, clutching each other for dear life, she was glad. If the road had to be so long and so dark, she was glad they could at least walk it together.
Elena didn't know how long they sat in silence, but eventually she found words. "Is Caroline okay?" she asked quietly.
"Of course not," Damon said. "But she will be. Matt and Liz are with her."
"What happened to him? To Mr. Forbes?"
"Don't know all the details, but from what I could make out, someone stabbed him."
"They stabbed him?" Elena asked, her eyes wide.
"Yeah. I saw the knife, it was one of Ric's. He used to keep it in my car," Damon said. He shifted against her. "The stake that killed the M.E. was his, too."
"You aren't suggesting that Ric's a murderer," she said indignantly.
His arms tightened around her. "No. Unless they were between him and a bottle of Jim Beam, Ric would never hurt a human."
It was funny (and true), but Elena couldn't bring herself to smile at the joke. "I can't believe that a knife killed Bill. A vampire hunter, brought down by something so...mundane," she said. It was almost an anti-climax.
Damon hesitated. "That's not what killed him."
Dots began to connect in Elena's mind. "Oh, no. Oh no, Damon, please don't tell me-"
"Yeah. He still had vampire blood in his system. He started to transition," Damon said, stroking her hair soothingly.
"And he wouldn't feed," she finished.
Damon didn't answer; he was staring at Ric. An instant later, the teacher let out a great gasp. One moment he was dead, and the next he wasn't.
"Welcome back, Ric," Damon said with his most nonchalant smile, as if the last few hours of terror and waiting had been nothing to him. Casually, Damon raised his own wrist to his lips, puncturing two neat holes in his flesh. "Drink?"
Ric tried to protest that he didn't need the blood, but the persistent, gaping wound in his chest said otherwise. They dosed him with vampire blood, interrogated him fruitlessly (the attacker struck from behind, he hadn't seen or heard anything), and tucked him into bed with a glass of bourbon and an arsenal of weapons close at hand. He claimed both gave him peace of mind.
Elena called Matt. "She's pretty torn up, Elena," he said. "But she and her mom wanted to be alone. She's one of the strongest people I know; just give her some time. Call in the morning, maybe. I'm headed home, but I can stop by if you need me," Matt offered.
None of them deserved Matt. Least of all her. "No, that's okay, but thanks. I just wanted to make sure she didn't need anything. Thanks for being there for her, Matt."
"She's my friend, I'll always be there for her. Same as I would be for you," he said.
"I know. Goodnight, Matt," she said. She clicked the phone off and headed downstairs.
"Donovan gives me cavities," Damon said. He stood at the window staring into the night, a glass of Ric's secret stash of good liquor in hand.
"How do you still have the energy for sarcasm?" Elena asked.
"Laugh or cry, Elena. Those are the only two real choices we have in life." He finished his drink and set the glass down. When he kissed her, he tasted of bourbon and his own ferrous, alien blood. "Besides, we aren't dead yet."
She smiled, but it was hard. Smiling felt like a betrayal for all those she'd counted, all those who'd gone before her. But thinking back on them all, she knew every single one of her would want her to be happy. None would begrudge her a smile.
"Not yet. I feel like I escaped from a zombie movie, though," Elena said. How many people's blood was she covered in? She couldn't even stand to think about it.
"The cute girl always survives to the end," Damon teased, brushing her matted hair back from her face. "But I'll wash your back if you wash mine."
Squeezed into her tiny tub, they finished their interrupted bath from a lifetime ago. And together, they chose to laugh.
Special thanks to long-time reviewer Jade2099 for helping me work through some thoughts for this chapter, though I doubt she knows she did. Thanks.