Daryl rubbed his neck and tried working out the kinks without waking Beth. The fact that she hadn't woken up in the middle of hell again was a good thing. She hadn't moved from his lap, hadn't moved much at all infact. He sat for as long as possible and then he couldn't wait. Nature called, he had to pee. Shifting her head, he settled it back on the bed. She let out a soft sigh, but kept sleeping. He glanced at his boots and the door but he knew he couldn't go. Not now. Even though he was itching to get out. He splashed water on his face and like she had the night before, he noticed the bags under his eyes, the dark puffy skin that was testament to the fact that life basically sucked. He looked like hell and it didn't really matter at this point. He went back into the room and stretched out beside her. Everything she'd said echoed in his head even though he didn't want it to. Was this it? Were they doomed to just live out little bits of misery for the rest of their existence? He couldn't fully believe that. Because she was lying right in front of him. And if he had, had to name the one thing that would give him something worth living for besides just innate human nature he would have said her. It would always be her.
"Daryl?" she mumbled in her sleep and he immediately reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder, hoping that it would be enough to keep her from falling back into the nightmares.
"Beth? Wake up, look at me," he brushed her hair back from her face and she opened her eyes. And they were so blue, puffy and swollen just like his, but the blue was bluer somehow. She tried to offer up a smile, but it was just an attempt and he knew it was for him. She was trying for him.
"Hey.." She stretched and winced and rolled over onto her stomach. She rested her chin in her hands and didn't really look at anything. He wanted to say something to acknowledge what had happened, what she'd said and what he'd heard, but he wasn't quite sure how or even what to say.
"Beth." Her name was a simple start, but she shook her head and looked at him with those eyes that were somehow bluer than normal. Eyes that conveyed the message 'not now'. He gave a slight nod then, but breathed out what he couldn't, wouldn't keep in.
"I'm here. Not going anywhere. If ya need me." His voice sounded husky even to him, like he was holding back tears, which he was. But he kept them in check because he seemed to get the feeling she just wanted to let it go for now. She nodded and blinked back her own tears and scooted into the curve of his body, her head tucked under his chin, one ankle hooked around his calf and she was here. And he had her.
Eventually they went downstairs and joined the others. Nothing in particular was said about the incidents from the night before. Rick nodded at her with a small sad smile and hovered around Daryl while they discussed what was going to happen next. Michonne put her arms around Beth and kissed her softly on the forehead. That display of affection from Michonne spoke volumes, more than any words could have. Michonne had been there last night, she'd been there the first night that Beth came home too. The room was full of their people and one or two of the Alexandrians and Beth paid little attention to the murmured conversations. She didn't really feel fully there in the moment. It was a comment from Rick that brought her back into the reality of the situation.
"We'll do what he wants. If only to bring peace…" Rick was saying.
Beth felt her gut twist and she took the two steps needed to bring her in closer proximity to Rick. She didn't see Daryl come up behind her, but when she felt a hand at the small of her back she knew it was his.
"What?" All she needed was that one word and the expression on her face. Rick knew. After everything she'd been through, they'd all been through because of that man?
"Let 'm finish, he ain't done yet. Right? There's more.." Daryl growled. The electricity in the room was suddenly palpable. Beth wasn't alone in her confusion. Rick held up a hand.
"I told him I'd kill him. Right now he's ready, he's expecting us. We aren't ready. This community isn't. But we will be. Beth I know, I know you want this done. I know.." Rick was struggling with his emotions and it made Beth angry in a way she didn't understand. It also made her ache. So when she found herself wrapped in Rick's arms, his heart beating in her ear that was pressed against his chest, she couldn't breathe because she didn't know, didn't realize how much of an effect this had, had on him. She knew he didn't like it, knew it made him angry, but that was pretty much a normal response from anyone who knew her. This felt different. This felt personal. His body tensed against hers. She felt his breath on the top of her head and when she looked up at him there were tears in his eyes. She could also feel Daryl behind her, his hands on her hips, his body flush with hers. And in that moment she felt as safe as if she were back home on the farm in her bed and this all had been a nightmare. She'd been alone out there for so long and scared and she never thought she'd see these people, her family again. But now...
"I want to kill him for so many reasons Beth," Rick whispered so only her and Daryl could hear. "And I will.." Here he looked up and met Daryl's eyes. "We will. He's gonna pay for what he did… to you, to us." Daryl reached across Beth and put his hand on Rick's shoulder. Beth could see the pain on both of their faces. "I promise." Rick gave a slight nod and looked up at Daryl. He stepped away from them and wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. The room was silent and people either watched the three of them closely or looked away as if to give them privacy. Rick turned and looked around the room.
"We will be ready soon, until then we lull him into thinking we are obeying his orders," Rick gritted his teeth as he said this, "let him think he has the upperhand. Because this is all just a game to him. But he won't win."
There was more talk, questions from the few ASZ people in the room and then talk of Abraham's burial. Beth slipped away from Daryl and went upstairs.
He watched her and something about the set of her shoulders as she climbed the stairs made him follow. He found her sitting on her bed crying, not just crying, but sobbing and he wasn't sure what to do so he just sat beside her. He reached for her hand and laced his fingers through hers. Because he said he'd be there for her and he was.
"I was alone for so long, there was no one. No one that mattered, not you, not my family. I was all alone…" God she sounded so small, so damn small and lost. Daryl bit down hard on his bottom lip and he glanced at her from beneath the fringe of his hair. She slipped her hand from his and folded hers together in her lap.
"Not alone no more.. Ain't gonna be."
She looked at him, into him and he could see she was working out something in her head, something she needed to say before she said it. He reached up to brush a lock of hair from her cheek and she caught his hand in her own and brought it to her lap and held it clasped in hers.
"What just happened down there.. That.." She took a deep breath and the tears were back again. "I felt so safe right then, between you both, safe and loved and Daryl, I just…" she leaned against him and he felt her trembling, he wrapped his good arm around her and pulled her closer. "And Michonne, she was here and.." He watched her wipe her face on her t-shirt and he thought he was starting to get it. She was used to being loved. She was a little girl who had been surrounded by gentle hands and kisses and hugs and she hadn't ever had to sit alone in a dark corner nursing bruises and a broken soul. And even when the world went to shit and she'd seen and done things that were horrifying there'd always been people around her who cared and she hadn't had to face those horrors by herself. She hadn't been alone. Until she was. She was strong, he'd seen that when they'd been together, but he didn't realize how much of her strength had come from knowing she wasn't alone. It was okay to break now. It was okay to fall. She had a place to land. Beth needed that. She wasn't like him, or Michonne, or Maggie, but she'd survived and now she just needed to know she was back, safe, where she belonged.
The world Beth lived in now had been off kilter, it had been spinning like a top gone awry ever since Dwight had untied her hands in the van. Maybe even before that, but she hadn't noticed it then, hadn't paid attention. And to be quite honest she had avoided accepting the fact that it was slowly getting harder to move on with her new life. There had been so many distractions, so many ways to avoid the inevitable. Why it had been Dwight's revelation that had finally pushed her off that deceptively safe ledge she wasn't sure. But she had fallen. Running and screaming she fell headlong down the rabbit hole where the past was waiting for her to look it right in the face.
She'd looked long and hard and then she'd let it all go, as much as she could, at least for the moment. Now she sat here on the bed next to Daryl feeling spent.
'I wish I could just change' She had changed.
"I've changed. I did things I never thought I could do. And I did 'em alone, but I survived and I'm here. And if I'm broken…" she tapped her fingers on her thighs.
"Ain't nobody perfect." Daryl said.
"And I'm strong." This was whispered because she still had a hard time believing it.
"Hell yeah ya are!" He was so patient with her. He'd changed too.
"And if I don't want to be alone.." She bit her lip cause this felt like a weakness.
"Toldja, ya ain't. Not gonna be." Daryl twisted his hand in hers and this time she let him lace their fingers together. What was coming next was hard. She wasn't sure how to say it, but she needed to say it, she needed him to hear it.
"Daryl I need.. I need something from you." She looked at him and she saw the slight change in his expression as he recognized the fact that this was something big. "What I said last night, all those things, those… I'm so ashamed and I feel like I'm just this ruined thing, just here and I can't be loved in a certain way, because he took that.. He.." she swallowed hard and looked down into her lap. His fingers tightened around hers and she raised her face and saw fear in his eyes. She didn't want to scare him. She could stop, just forget this for now. But this was part of it, this was facing what happened and moving on from it. And he was a part of that moving on, he was part of her now.
"Already said I'm here for ya. Go on.. Tell me what you need." She figured he kinda knew where this was going now.
"I need you to be with me Daryl. I just need to know that I'm not.. That I'm…" This was so much easier in her head. She glanced at Daryl and his head was down and he was biting his lip and oh god maybe this was too much for him. She couldn't expect him to want her after what Negan had done. "I'm sorry…" She started to stand, pull her hand away. But he held on.
"Don't." She sat back down and he gently laid her hands in her lap. He drifted over to the window. His hands, fists at his sides, were nervously closing and and unclosing. And she gave him time.
Daryl had no idea until she said what she said where this was going. But obviously it had to go here. For a lot of reasons. A fuck of a lot of reasons. But jesus christ he was not equipped to deal with this. 'Cause yer a fuckin' pussy!' Merle's words, he always could kick Daryl where it hurt. He heard the rustle of the bed behind him.
"Daryl... if you aren't, if this isn't something you want.." she sounded tired and sad. And broken and damned if he would ever make her feel broken! He sat back down and took her small hand in his big, clumsy, trembling one.
"Jesus girl.. don't even think that. I want, I've wanted… What happened don't change my feelings none. I want ya ta be mine.." Daryl knew he was messing this up, all the words that he could use, all the ways he could tell her and let her know how he felt and he just stumbled over them all like some dumb redneck asshole. But Beth sometimes had a way of knowing what he wanted to say without him having to say it and when she smiled softly he knew she understood his pathetic ramblings. So he did the next best thing to spouting poetry, he kissed her and he put all the feelings he couldn't put into words into that kiss. Even though it hurt his shoulder, he cupped her face in both hands and covered her mouth with his, he breathed in her breath and pulled her bottom lip with his teeth. She sighed and slipped her arms around his neck, her fingers tangled in his hair. He nibbled down the line of her jaw and nuzzled at her ear.
"No one's gonna take away my heart Beth." Huh.. imagine that. Maybe he did have a little poetry in his rough and tough soul.
"Daryl…" He knew that Beth cried sometimes when she was happy so the tears on her cheeks weren't necessarily a bad thing. He kissed them away and rested his forehead against hers.
"I'll take that as a yes?" she asked him, imploring him with those damn blue eyes. He nodded, his throat suddenly dry.
"Right, right now?" he asked and his voice cracked. Beth laughed softly and kissed him again.
"Well no.. I just, I needed you to know." Daryl relaxed. He could've if she'd wanted to, but he was nervous and he didn't care if his brother woulda thought he was a pansy, but he wanted it to be something special, for her.
"Ok. I can, I'll take care of you." Beth smiled and Daryl felt the blush spread to tips of his ears. "I mean, ya know.." Beth laughed and that made everything right with the world then she wrapped him in a hug.
Beth was sitting on the front porch when they came to her. It was just after sunset and she heard the door open. They sat, each of them on one side of her and Beth felt herself blush. Had Daryl told Rick how being there between them earlier had made her feel safe? Beth glanced at Rick and he smiled. Before she could think anymore about it Michonne came and sat on the step in front of Rick and she slipped her hand behind his ankle and he rested his on her shoulder. Daryl sat on the other side of her, his elbows on his knees and a funny expression on his face. She bumped him lightly with her shoulder.
"Ok?" she said softly.
"Mmhm' " She saw him biting his lip though. That was Daryl's nervous tell. But it didn't seem like a bad nervous. Maybe it was just all the talk from earlier. Thinking about that gave her a warm ache down low in her belly and it felt good, it felt normal. Right now even a little normal would go a long way.
"I just wanted to talk, the four of us. I'll let the the rest know whatever I feel they need to know when it's time. First you need to know Carol left. The morning you guys went looking for Dwight. Tobin found a note," Rick said. Beth felt Daryl tense up beside her. Obviously he didn't know.
"Why'd she leave?" he asked.
"The note said she couldn't do it anymore, killing people. And if she stayed she'd have to." Beth heard the controlled emotion in Rick's voice and she felt it in Daryl next to her. She remembered the last words she had spoken to the woman and that didn't feel good.
"Can't blame her," Daryl said softly. "Whada we gonna do 'bout it?" He reached for Beth's hand on the steps between them.
"We can't do anything. Not yet. But Morgan followed her. I was helping until things fell apart with Maggie. He said he wasn't coming back without her." Rick rubbed his stubble and Michonne leaned into him. They sat silent for a minute before Rick went on.
"I don't know who will come for the supplies Negan's demanding. Maybe he'll send the Saviors, but I have a feeling he's gonna make sure he makes a showing or two. Beth I don't want him seeing you, not yet," Rick looked at her and she suddenly remembered the Savior that had recognized her.
"But they knew who I was, one of them recognized me in the woods." Beth felt a rush of adrenaline. She couldn't handle that. What if they came looking for her specifically? Daryl tightened his grip on her hand.
"I know, Daryl told me. I'm hoping it's not an issue since you supposedly escaped. Which is why I don't want you seen. Would you remember the Savior who recognized you?" he asked.
Beth nodded. She saw the look that Rick and Daryl shared and felt Daryl nod. Michonne must have too.
"What are you gonna do?" she asked.
"Kill him. If we can, if we get the chance to do it without an audience," Rick said not taking his eyes off Daryl.
"We can't draw any negative attention right now if we can help it Rick." Michonne said.
"If it means keeping her alive I don't give a fuck what we have to do!" Daryl growled. Michonne set her gaze on him and it was definitely a show down.
"You think I wouldn't do what needed to be done to protect her? Any of you?" Anger rolled off Michonne like waves and Beth felt her heart ache again at this familiar feeling of having people, her people with her.
"I know ya would. M' sorry," he ducked his head. Beth rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand.
"I want weapons hidden in specific areas and I want all of us in place too, with a plan if anything goes bad," Rick said. Beth knew they were smart and they had defeated so many foes, but Negan was a different story.
"We gonna let anyone else know what's going on?" Daryl asked. He bit at his thumb nail.
"Glenn when he comes back. And Sasha," Rick said. "But that's it for now. I want to keep this close to home. We need to make sure we have everyone's loyalty."
Now it was Michonne and Daryl's turn to exchange a look. Beth felt herself wondering too, slowly going through the people she knew were original Alexandrians.
"You think that's questionable?" Michonne looked up at Rick and Beth watched his eyes as they scanned the houses and park. It was quiet now in the safe zone. People tended to stay closer to their homes lately. Daryl watched him too and she felt him tense up beside her again. Beth knew he was slow to trust people, especially new people and even though the group had been here for awhile Beth bet that Daryl considered most of the Alexandrians new.
"I think so. Hilltop too. We gotta watch our backs," Daryl said. He caught Beth's eye and she had a feeling they were both thinking of a conversation that seemed to have taken place in another lifetime. Good people can become desperate people. And desperate people can do things they might not otherwise do.
"Michonne and I will work out the weapons details. Beth would you want to draw up some maps of Alexandria, ones we can add too and keep hidden. You and... " He was going to say Denise. She knew that and the pause took her breath and held it and beside her Daryl dropped her hand and drug his fingers through his hair angrily.
"Yeah, yeah I can." Her voice felt forced and too loud and she blinked back tears. Was this always how it was gonna be? They couldn't just forget people. They had to remember. "I know where Denise kept all the stuff we used last time. I'll get it tomorrow."
"That it?" Daryl asked gruffly. He rested his hand on the small of her back and she couldn't be quite sure, but it felt like it was shaking, just a little.
"Yeah. Michonne?" Rick looked at the woman below him on the steps and Beth saw, for the first time, that there was more than just affection in his eyes when he looked at her. She stood up quickly, feeling like a voyeur peeking where she shouldn't.
"Yeah. I'm beat." She followed Rick into the house. Beth looked at Daryl where he still sat on the steps.
"You okay?" she asked. He shrugged and she sat back down beside him. "You're worried about her?"
Daryl looked at her and she could see it there in the deep blue of his eyes. Carol was his friend. One of his closest friends. She'd been there for him when a lot of the others hadn't trusted him, before they knew him and realized looks can be deceiving and your family isn't always who you are.
"She's smart. Can hold her own.. And if Morgan finds her.." Daryl rubbed his face. Beth wasn't sure what to say so she chose to say nothing. She stood up again and held out her hand.
"Stay?" He looked up at her and his face softened into a small smile, one he seemed more inclined to share with her lately. He reached back for her hand and stood up.
"Don't wanna be anywhere else," he mumbled. She saw the faint blush on his cheeks and the tips of his ears and her heart did a weird little flip flop in her chest as he held the door open for her.