Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!
A/N: Thank you so much quietmusician, mikkir, bebe, GSRCSILVR25 and OnlyNic313 for the wonderful reviews! I am so, so, so very sorry it's taken this long for an update. I've been trying to find time to write, but it seems life has other evil plans for me. I can't believe it's been that long...I'm really sorry. Thanks for sticking with me. I implore that you bear with me and my less than frequent updates...your patience will be rewarded with more CSR angst. I have a plan...I just need to find time to create it. As always, I look forward to hear your feedback. Thanks for reading and take care everyone.
"Hey, you shouldn't be smoking!" I hear a voice from beyond bellow.
"Sara Sidle, what in God's name do you think you're doing? Actually...what are you doing here?"
"Hi Elizabeth...it's a long story." I reply to the fiery nurse I can now call friend.
"Seriously girl, you do realize you had a partial lobecotomy. Smoking is one of the worst things you could do to your poor battered lungs. All that horrible tar and nasty chemicals ...with that smooth warming feeling...actually, do you mind if I bum one?" The hyper nurse fruitlessly lectures me as hand her one.
"These may be cancer sticks, but damn that's good. You do realize Catherine is going to have your ass on a platter when she sees you, you know."
Without thinking I instinctively flinch at the mention of my love's name; which doesn't go unnoticed by the observant nurse.
"Oh Sara...please don't tell me." The nurse gasps while noticing for the first time they are both wearing matching scrubs.
"We were in a car accident. Catherine's in the surgical recovery. Her leg was badly broken." I say as the annoying tears return.
"Oh Sara! You really shouldn't be out here. Let's get you inside sweetheart." Elizabeth says switching into nurse mode flicking the cigarette aside and holding me at arm's length assessing for injuries.
"Did you get that bump on your head looked at? Where did your head hit? Did you tell them about the epilepsy?"
"I'm fine Elizabeth, I've been looked at and discharged. I'm just waiting for Cath to be transferred to the ortho unit since they don't allow visitors in recovery." I say all in one breath while handing the now pale looking nurse a new cigarette.
"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. But medically speaking, that does sound promising... try not to over think things, Cath is like you, it takes way more than that to keep you down." Elizabeth says after pausing in shock for a second before taking the new cigarette and lighting it.
"I know, but I'm just so scared. Cath has always been the strong one. She can and has handled so much, I don't know if I can do what she's done. Seeing her so helpless...I just panicked. I don't know what to do." I reply while taking a long drag of my cigarette.
"I'm sorry I can't get you in to see her. They are quite strict in the surgical recovery...I'm not even allowed in. But as soon as she's moved to the new unit, You'll be able to see your girl. Everything will be okay Sara sweetheart." Elisabeth replies while taking a drag of her smoke then placing her hand on my knee.
"Thanks. I...I just can't believe this is happening to us again. How much can one family take? Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm cursed...that I'm not meant to be happy." I say with a slight emotional quiver.
"No Sara, look at what you've already survived; you're a fighter. Not everybody would have endured what you have and still be a functioning member of society. Never sell yourself short. What you and Catherine have is a rare gem; hell, it motivates me. Seeing you two together and happy is like the epitome of love concurring all. It renews my faith in the human race...there still are good people out there." Elizabeth says taking her final drag of the cigarette before flicking it out.
We both sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes letting the weight of what we just discussed set in. After our contemplation is finished, we look at each other and silently nod.
"Let me get you a coffee, I still have 20 minutes before I have to get back. Elizabeth says while standing and embracing the strong, yet battered brunette.
"I'm always here for you Sara, you know that and you have a great support from your friends. It's not fair, but you'll make it...your too damn stubborn for anything less."
As the two friends embrace again and head into the hospital, in the surgical recovery Catherine begins to stir from her drug induced slumber.
/
"It says here in her chart that her daughter passed away over a year ago in a kidnapping/murder and that her female partner was shot not too long after...ouch. She has a supportive family who are already fighting to be involved...so that's good. But does that mean she's divorced and living with the partner that was shot?" Victor says to fellow doctor Janet and social worker Jane.
"I think the husband died years before. so I guess sometime after that the two women got together and were living together with the young daughter...so yeah, it would be her and the partner now alone." Jane replies flipping through the files.
"So does that mean Catherine was taking care of Sara before this accident? Because it says that after the shooting she was practically DOA and had to resuscitated several times...it was messy. Sara is technically brain damaged and still suffers seizures as a result." Janet says while flipping through the patient summary for Sara's rather large pile of medical records.
"So should we be thinking about discharging Catherine home; given she adequately recovers, since she'd be only living with Sara? Is Sara even a capable caregiver because of the brain damage?" Jane asks writing notes in Catherine's social history and looking up at the two doctors.
/
The waiting room in the surgical unit is never a fun place to be. If someone is in here it means that a loved one is undergoing a procedure that could drastically change the lives of all those connected to them. There are often huddles of people either crying, praying or in deep thought staring at the clock and waiting to be told the latest news. The room is always well stocked with tissues. It's a very intimating experience for any new healthcare professional; and even some seasoned veterans. All the books and all the classes never adequately prepare you how to feel when you have to tell a waiting family that their loved one is lost to them forevermore.
For medical intern Josie, stepping into the waiting room and having at least 20 pairs of eyes, some swollen and red, snap up at you with tension thick in the air, is an experience she will not soon forget. She can't help but feel her own heart rate increase and a sickening feeling rise up her abdomen...and she's not even having to relay bad news this time.
"May I speak to the family of Catherine Willows please?" Josie says in a quiet voice as the room falls deadly silent.
Jim and Sara practically jump out of their seat as the young woman approaches.
"I just wanted to let you know that miss Willows is awake and has been extubated. She'll be taken to the ortho unit shortly, so if you like I can show you both there." Josie says in a rush as she can see the colour draining from their faces for fear of being told bad news.
"She is doing very well, she's stable. She'll probably be a little dopey tonight, but so far everything seems to be proceeding as planned."
"So she's okay...like really okay?" Sara says letting out the breath she didn't know she was holding.
"Yes, she is. Did no one come out earlier and tell you the surgery went well?" Josie asks surprised at the urgency in the brunettes voice.
"Yes, the surgeon spoke with us earlier. We are just a little anxious...it's been a really long night." Jim pipes in as a tired and weary Sara slightly blushes.
Long night is an understatement...all we were supposed to do was see the Goddamn dentist, be miserable and swollen...come home and once we stopped drooling from the numbing shit they use, have a beer and snuggle in bed and read a book. How the hell did all this happen? Why us again?
I don't have the energy or brainpower to speak or even think anymore, so I allow the woman and Jim to escort me to the Ortho unit and Catherine's new room. I think I'm too exhausted and numb to even cry. All I can do is allow myself to be sat down in a chair and stare off into space.
However, my revere id short lived and I find myself jump in surprise as two men wheel a bed into the room with my confused and pale looking love tucked in the middle with her leg suspended in a traction device.
...I take back the part about being too tired to cry...warm angry tears instantly spill tracks down my face as we make eye contact.
"C-can we just go to the dentist?" I say quietly as a way of introduction to no one in particular.
Catherine locks her groggy eyes on mine and we seem to have a silent conversation with each other inquiring about the others health as well as expressing relief to see the other is alive and relatively well.
"Can we seriously just have a normal happy life? And do normal things like go to the dentist? Why do we have to fight for our lives every few months?" I start saying out loud again getting increasingly louder with each word.
I don't know why I'm saying this...I should be professing my love or asking how she's feeling...why am I feeling so angry all of a sudden...it's like my mouth is going off without my brains approval...I think I'm finally starting to crack.
"What did we do to deserve all this shit? Why us? Why again?" I say seemingly unable to control myself.
"It's okay Sara. Look, Catherine is right in front of you, she's okay, you're okay." Jim says approaching me as the men park and lock Catherine's bed in place.
"No! No, this is not okay! We are not okay! Does this look fucking okay to you?" I shout while standing up and throwing my hands up in the air.
"Sara? It's okay love, I'm okay see?" Catherine's tired and quiet voice breaks through the growing tension.
"No! We have suffered more than enough! We were just going to the fucking dentist!" I continue to scream no longer caring who hears.
"Calm down Sara, don't upset Catherine. You're not helping..." Jim starts while reaching out to me.
"Don't fucking touch me! I don't fucking care! I've had it!" I scream in a shaky, almost unrecognizable voice; even to myself.
I'm out of control, I know...but suddenly I don't care. I can't take this anymore.
I back away from Jim until my back hits the windowsill and my arm gently hits the flower pot seated there.
"Is everything okay in here? Should I call security?" A young woman asks as she tentatively pokes her head into the room.
"We are okay. Sara..." Catherine begins before I cut her off.
"What, am I being too loud? Did I disturb you? Fuck you! You want to escort me out?" I scream before point at Jim.
"You want to arrest me?" I ask before turning around and grabbing the flower pot and flinging it against the wall. The impending crash causes everyone to jump back in surprise.
"You want to arrest me?Go ahead!" I continue now officially out of control, throwing my arms out to the side.
"Come on! A-arrest me! W-why not, that's one thing life hasn't t-thrown in my face y-yet! Go for it, I don't fucking c-care anymore!"
"Sara? Oh Sara..." Catherine mutters with the saddest, most empathic face I've seen; and my heart just continues to break.
It's strange, it's almost like this isn't me...like I'm watching myself act out, but I'm somehow detached. I can see Jim and another strange man approaching me...but it's almost in slow motion. Catherine looks devastated. All I wanted to do was hold, hug and kiss her...how did I make this meeting about me? Why am I always making myself the centre of attention? I really fucked up this time...and the worst thing is I'm aware of all this but still unable to control myself...almost like i'm possessed.
"Please, don't..." I say gesturing towards Jim's outstretched arm.
"This is all just like a bad joke...just make it stop...please...I can't take this anymore...please."
"Please let us handle this. Don't call security, I'm a detective...you don't know the history here...she needs this. I'll handle this, thank you." Jim says to the ever-growing crowd at Catherine's door.
Both Sara and Catherine are now crying and it takes all of Jim's willpower not to join in their suffering. But he has to be the stable one for now...when he's home alone he'll allow his emotions their needed release.
"It's okay Sara, let it out. You're right, it's not fair sweetheart. You both deserve nothing but happiness and tranquility...this isn't fair." Jim says gently while approaching the now shacking brunette.
"Come here sweetheart, let me help you."
"I just want a normal life...I just want to grow old with you Cath...I'm so sorry." I say taking Jims arm before my legs lose their strength and Jim guides us both to the floor in a crying, tangled heap.
"Am I the cause of all this? Am I just meant to suffer?"
"No my love, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Come here babe." Catherine says with her arms outstretched as far as the IV will allow.
Jim has to help me up and practically deposits me on the side of Catherine's bed. I feel like I've just run a marathon and come in dead last.
Finally able to achieve my desired purpose of the night, I wrap my arms around my love and rest my head gently on her chest and allow myself to cry. We stay like this for several moments until I feel Jim's hand on my shoulder.
"We have to leave now Sara. I'm going to come home with you and stay the night okay?" Jim says gently while looking at Catherine as if relieving her unspoken worry of Sara being home alone in this state.
Looking at the broken flower pot with dry soil littering the floor, I sniff and rub my eyes before speaking.
"For the record, I didn't kill that plant. It was already long gone, I just liberated the poor thing."
This elicits another half stifled sob from Catherine before she grabs my head and kisses it.
"I want you to go home and have a good sleep Sara. I'll send your sorry ass back home if you come in here tomorrow looking tired."
"But I always look tired...that's not fair. I'm going to come here as soon as visiting hours begin! Actually, can I stay here with you tonight? I won't hurt you or get in the way." I say trying not to sound as childish as I feel. I really don't sleep well without my love next to me.
"Sara, go home with Jim. Then he can drive you here tomorrow if you're well enough. I want to know what happened to you in all of this...oh and make sure you take your medication tonight...are you sure you shouldn't be hospitalized tonight too? You better not have signed yourself out against medical advice!" Catherine says more clear now that the medications are leaving her system, allowing her mind to try to piece together everything that's happened thus far.
"Enough for tonight you two. We'll talk shop tomorrow. I'll make sure Sara behaves, but you better behave yourself too Catherine. I don't want to hear from the nurse tomorrow that your pushing yourself or breaking any rules! I swear, you two are just too similar! How I haven't lost every hair on my head from you both is beyond me!" Jim says putting both of us in our place and finally rendering us both silent.
"Yes Jim." Catherine and I say at the same time defeated.
"See! My God, grant me the strength..." Jim mutters walking to the door.
"I love you so much Cath, have a good night babe." I say smirking.
"You too Sara. I love you too."
"And call if anything..." I start before Jim cuts me off.
"Don't start Sara...let's get going okay. I love you too Cath, feel better." Jim says while taking my arm and guiding me out.
As we are leaving I see a housekeeping lady coming with a broom and waste basket.
"I'm really sorry about the plant...I don't know what happened to me...I didn't mean to...I'm not like that...I..." I begin ranting.
"That's okay dear, you don't have to explain, I understand." The kind older woman says before wishing us a good night.
As we enter Jim's car I realize ours must be totaled in a junk yard right now and I involuntarily cringe.
As if sensing my growing fear and apprehension, Jim is at my side in a second and tries to convince me not to think about it and just close my eyes until we get home...as well as some saying about getting back on the horse.
I love Jim and trust him completely, but I hate these catch all sayings.
Despite my apprehension for all things car, my battered and abused mind and body took control because before I knew it, Jim was waking me up and helping me out of the car. it seems that mother nature is in sympathy with our turmoil, as the sky has darkened with angry flashes of lightening stabbing through the dark.
Jim and I barely speak to one another as he helps me into bed. words don't seem to have the power they once held. our situation is now truly beyond them.
As I settle into a numb sleep, the absence of my love beside me sits on my chest like a concrete block. As much as I don't want to admit or acknowledge it, sometimes I just wish it would all end. Sometimes I wish I was dead; encompassed in peaceful nothingness where there is no more suffering or turmoil. Sometimes I just feel that it's my lot in life to suffer.
As lightening and heavy rain continue to batter the Las Vegas sky, the two physically separated souls fall into an uneasy sleep; hoping beyond hope that peace will finally enter their lives.