Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!
A/N: Okay, first off I am so, so sorry for the insane delay in posting. I know it's been said a thousand times and really offers no consolation, but real life just didn't give me any time to write. I hope there are at least a few of you out there that are willing to put up with my less than frequent updates and keep up with my story. I am determined to see this though. I was wondering though, what do I have to do to find a beta for this story? Sorry, I'm still not too sure on how things work on this site. I'm just concerned with the format of this story...I have all my ideas planned out as to where I want this to go...but I want to make sure it comes out the way I see it in my head. I'm afraid the story doesn't flow the way other stories I enjoy reading on this site do. Either way, I will complete this story eventually...even if no one wants to read it. I hate when some stories just die off and never get completed...or the writers hold the story hostage for more reviews...I won't do that (although I will plead to you guys to review because I really look forward to reading them. Even if it is a quick hello or whatever. I check my e-mail every day and look forward to seeing an e-mail from fanfiction...sad, i know.) Keep at me to keep the story moving...I can't let it go that long again. ANYWAYS... since this was a long rant and I know I often skim over long A/N's let me just say I'm sorry again and thank you. I hope everyone is well. Take care!
I close my eyes and allow myself to completely focus on the strong fingers that massage and scratch through my hair. The soothing smell of shampoo graces my senses and I can't help but wonder why I've never noticed my shampoo smell that good...I pay enough for it...well, the point is, for the first time in almost three months, I'm actually, truly relaxed.
I sigh a contented sigh and crack one eye open enough to see Cath's casted leg sticking out awkwardly in the chair beside me.
We decided to treat ourselves to a professional wash and cut today to officially mark our freedom from the stressful hell that has been our lives for the past six and a half weeks and to just feel normal again. Since Cath was discharged last week she wanted to wash and cleanse away all things hospital, so going to our favorite hairdresser of five years was an excellent idea.
Plus it was ever so kindly brought to my attention that I was looking disheveled and a comment or two was dropped about my not being able to take care of myself without Catherine's help...I guess this visit was in order...although, I'll kill before I admit my complete dependence on my love; I am head over heels to have her home.
The fact that I maybe missed a few doses of my meds because I was distracted with our situation has nothing to do with the fact Cath wasn't there to do it for me...that's just unfounded...and that's my story and I'm sticking to it...I'm not that helpless without Catherine am I?
It was bad enough the way we were questioned and prodded by the social workers and doctors at the hospital prior to the discharge. For a while there I wasn't sure they were going to discharge Cath into my care. Talk about lowering a girl's self-esteem...okay, I know technically I suffered brain damage after my whole ordeal last year but damn...I'm not an invalid...I have a few brain cells left!
...I think we should go for a full body massage after the hair dresser is done with us. The way this lady is massaging my scalp...I think my neck and shoulders would appreciate the same sort of attention...
My happy relaxed thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a Sharp stabbing pain in my lower back followed by an uncontrollable series of rattling coughs that I fail to suppress.
"Everything okay over there babe?" Catherine asks whilst trying to sit up slightly.
"Yeah, just swallowed the wrong way I guess...sorry babe. How you feeling? The leg bothering you at all?" I quickly ask trying to divert the attention away from myself.
I'm really going to have to follow up with my doctor soon; these pains are becoming more frequent now. How am I going to do this without alerting Cath's freak out over protective radar though...?
"...seriously the best idea you've had this week Sara. This is just divine and...Are you even listening to me? Are you sure everything is okay Sara?"
Damn radar...caught already...
"Of course I am! What? It's hard to concentrate when my scalp is being massaged like this. You're totally right, I should start thinking more often eh?"
...yeah, real smooth Sidle. She's giving you the 'I can see through your bullshit ramblings' look already. Oh boy...I think her lower eyelid just twitched too...not good! Maybe I should just come clean now and tell her the whole stupid situation and stop digging my own grave. She'll find out sooner or later anyway, and then she'll give me the 'I thought we were going to be completely honest with each other up front' rant. Followed by the 'now I don't know if I can trust you to tell me stuff' guilt trip.
"...and seriously, sometimes I wish I could just get in your head and fish around for five minutes Sara! Maybe then I could finally understand the full mystery that is Sara Sidle. Because..."
Oh dear God...it begins already! Yeah, I'm screwed...
/
Damn my back is killing me! I should have just booked us an appointment with a massage therapist the other day. Why didn't I again?...oh right...that one legged vixen distracted me...She truly is a woman of many talents...with one leg still in a cast no less...
"Sara! For the love of God, are you going deaf on me now? I said if you don't get your skinny butt in the shower now, I'm going in first and you forfeit your right to bitch about how long I take and how much hot water I use." Catherine's voice pierces through my happy walk down memory lane.
"Yeah, yeah fine I'm going now. I refuse to have another ice cold shower because someone doesn't know the meaning of taking a quick shower...and don't even start blaming it on the cast...your notorious forty minute showers far precede the cast." I bellow back, smiling to myself when I hear Cath stop short her response; unable to deny what we both know to be true.
"Start wrapping your leg now...I'll be out before your even finished, then I'll help you finish it off Cath."
A grumpy grunt is the only acknowledgement i get, so I head into the washroom and organize my hair products along the edge of the tub.
Half way through the shower, the annoying tickle from before turns into a full-fledged, eye watering, body racking cough.
For a few seconds I swear I see stars as I place an unsteady hand on the damp, condensation filmed shower wall. The steam of the shower seemed to help loosen things up at least a bit as I manage to cough up some lung gunk; shuttering slightly.
Uhh nasty! Don't tell me I've accumulated lung butter already! I only had a few cigarettes at the hospital that time...and the couple I sneaked yesterday...and the one today...crap! I really don't want to get hooked again. It was a small miracle I was actually able to quit before... after years of being a pack a day smoker.
I get another good lung clearing cough and spit before I stop dead in my tracks. I quickly turn off the water and hop out of the shower searching for a tissue.
Shit, shit, shit...not good, not good!
I force another cough out and spit into the tissue to confirm my fears.
Okay...I think I'm coughing up blood...well...yeah I am, because there it is... Shit!.. Bad, bad, bad... The doctor had told me that day when he showed me the film, that in comparing my chest x-ray from when I was shot to the new one after our car accident that it looked like the bullet fragment that they didn't want to remove during my initial surgery had migrated.
..I guess it's lodged in my lung now or something...I don't know! Why is this shit always happening to me? What did I do in a past life or whatever to deserve this! You have got to be kidding me! What am I supposed to do now? Cath is hurt; I'm supposed to be looking after her the way she looked after me!
Another bloody cough courses through my body and I'm forced to spit out the coppery nastiness as full-fledged panic sets in.
What do I do! I don't know what to do!...okay, okay. Calm down...act natural...and see that ER doc again somehow...
...without alerting Cath...While taking care of her and pampering her the way she deserves...
I am not going to take this away from her. I am going to take care of her, the way she took care of me...
I'm screwed!
For once since our lives got destroyed by that bastard, I'm not the center of attention. Poor Cath not only lost her flesh and blood...her reason for existing...she then had to deal with my being shot and almost dying and the misplaced guilt that entailed.
Then we go through another level of hell with my brain damaged self and Cath still stayed strong and held things together. Then we try to resume some semblance of a normal life before getting in a car wreck and Catherine is seriously hurt.
For once Cath is the center of attention. She's hurt and needs comforting.
But no, I have to swoop in again and cause issues...no. I'm not going to tell anyone about this. I'll deal with it on the side, but first Catherine needs our undivided attention.
How did my life come to this...like some poor little puppy that gets kicked around that everyone founds over. No! Catherine has held everything together too long on the sidelines. She is the center of attention, not me. She is the center of my universe for God sake!
Okay, okay...Clean up and pull it together Sidle! Then get out there and take care of your love. You've survived being shot point blank in the chest before...you can take care of this pesky fragment or whatever while taking care of things at home.
Yeah... I'll work all this out myself.
I quickly dress, and reach for my bottle of pain killers behind the mirror.
If I just take one, it should numb the pain enough that I can take care of Cath without having to wince too much...at the same time, it won't be too much that I may slur or look high...yeah, this should do for now.
I was trying to taper down to not needing these things at all...but until I see the doc and get this crap sorted out, I guess I'll have to. Breathing doesn't hurt, so I don't think it's too serious yet...I know coughing up blood is never a good thing, but I think I'll be fine until I can go see my doc... I'll take care of it...in time.
As soon as I open the bottle, a body tensing cough sneaks up out of nowhere, causing my arm to jerk and several pills to fly out of the bottle, landing unceremoniously in a puddle on our tiled floor.
Crap...what next? Can't this whole ordeal just be over and done with? There is always something...it just won't let you forget and move on.
I can't help but sigh as I reach down to pick up the now partially melted pills.
I opt to just wipe the whole melted glob of white in a piece of toilet paper and flush it down the toilet. It's not until the plunger is fully depressed and I'm watching the narcotic laced toilet paper swirl down to its watery demise, that my brain kicks in to alert me of trouble.
Shit...no, no, no, undo, undo! Damn!
The toilet clunks and it's gone.
Oh...no...sorry fishy...
You're not supposed to flush medication...it's bad for the water and for you guys.
...Although, I'm sure you won't mind...that was good shit, you'll be nice and high and won't feel a thing as you swim right into those funky looking nets and certain death...
I have way too much on my mind right now to be healthy...oh well...
I swallow my pill, quickly check the mirror, square my shoulders and head out to our room.
"See, are you even finished wrapping your leg yet? I told you I was fast!"
/
Freaking know it all...I would have been finished wrapping my leg before she got out if the stupid roll of tape hadn't fallen and rolled under the bed! At least I had managed to fish it out from under there before she came out. I would never have lived that down.
Head and shoulders under the bed with ass and bad leg sticking up...yeah...not one of my finer moments...thank God nobody saw that.
I turn off the water and let it all drain out before attempting to stand from the shower chair Sara had set in place so I could shower without trying to stand on one leg.
I manage to dry off and dress before something catches my eye and I freeze in place.
"Oh come on...Sara!" I catch myself saying out loud even though I know she's not within ear shot.
What the fuck is this...what did you do?
I reach down into the garbage can and examine the bloody tissue. At first glance I don't notice any other evidence of her bad habit...there are no bloodied razors around...although her painkiller bottle is noticeably more empty than this morning.
I knew the stress of me being hurt was getting to her...that's why I've been counting her painkillers. I know that sounds harsh, but like it or not, she did abuse them last year...and I know she's been smoking on and off...no matter how hard she tries to cover up the smell. I didn't ream into her because I thought it would cause more trouble, but now I wish I had.
There isn't a lot of blood here, so maybe she took a few pills, had a little cut session in the shower to take the edge off, and then chased that with a few more pills to numb her body and soul. She has been acting somewhat mysterious lately. I should have trusted my instincts and called her on it earlier.
What was I thinking...that all these demons would just go away because we promised to be open with each other? I guess with everything that's going on, a little relapse shouldn't be unexpected...it doesn't look like she did too much damage...I guess it's just time for me to take charge again.
I'll demand she explains herself...ream into her about not talking to me about it first...give her the guilt trip, then just take it from there based on her reaction...that sounds like a good plan.
More calmly than you'd expect for a person in such a situation, Catherine finishes up in the washroom and removes the protective plastic protecting her leg before setting out to find Sara.
Having seen neither hide nor hair of her upstairs or in the living room, Catherine sets out hobbling carefully down another flight of stairs.
Damn stupid broken leg...making a simple task like stairs so much more difficult! Damn Sara being so reckless...and being several flights of stairs away from me when I want to yell at you...this is only making me more irritable...
"Sara! Where are you, we need to talk!"
Not getting a response, worry starts pricking through her body causing her to pick up her pace.
"Sara! Where are you? Are you even down here? This isn't funny, I..."
Whatever threat or insult she was about to throw out stops dead as she spots a splash of brown hair surrounded by half folded towels on the laundry room floor.
"Sara! Wake up! What's going on? What happened?" Catherine hollers while hobbling awkwardly to Sara's prone form.
A soft mumble of discomfort grumbles from under the heap of towels as Sara fights with consciousness and tries to orient herself to what is going on and how she ended up on the floor.
Seeing signs of life return to her love and thinking eminent danger is passing, Catherine grabs Sara's head with both hands and stares into her eyes before continuing her barrage of questions. Fueled by fear, her emotions turn toward annoyance at thinking this episode was self-inflicted and her words carry a sharp harsh tone that didn't properly convey the actual concern she was feeling.
"What the fuck Sara? You nearly gave me a heart attack! What were you thinking? Were you even thinking? I thought we were past all this shit!"
"C-Cath...w-what's going on?" Sara manages to say while still battling heavy eyelids and unfocused eyes.
"Oh, I think you know damn well what's going on! Or at least you will when you sober up! Let me see your arms and legs...how bad is it?" Catherine sternly says while trying to get Sara into a somewhat seated state while balancing in an awkward half crouched position thanks to her broken leg.
"I...ummm...I don't..."
"How much did you take Sara? Why would you do this? I know it's been rough, but remember..."
She thinks I overdosed? That I did this to myself...God, what really is going on? If I could just get this humming in my ears to go away and get a decent lung full of air in, maybe I could figure out what happened...
While Catherine continues her stern yet heartfelt plea, a small but uncomfortably nagging cough forces its way through Sara's body. The sharp pain emanating from her lower back seemingly jolted the reality of the situation into scary clarity.
Oh shit the bullet fragment...there's no way it could have become dangerous that fast could it? The doctor had made it sound like this was a slow process and while serious, wasn't imminently bad. I mean, I just coughed up a little blood no more than an hour ago...it wasn't that bad...I've had worse.
...Then why am I flat on my ass in the laundry room with Cath leaning over me...telling me off, thinking I got high or overdosed or whatever...
She looks so disappointed in me...I've screwed up again...
A frustrated sigh escapes Catherine as she carefully straightens herself back up into a standing position and leans heavily on her crutch.
"Okay Sara, let's get you upstairs and I'll call Jim. Once we make sure you're okay, we will continue this conversation." Catherine says sternly while looking expectantly at Sara.
Oh this is just peachy...another chapter in the messed up existence of Sara Sidle...I have got to be the world's biggest screw up! Catherine thinks I did this to myself...I guess I shouldn't blame her.
Except for the fact that I promised her on Lindsay's memory that I would never let myself get that low again without asking for help. Let's not forget that little incident we had in the living room with the gun. Seeing the hurt and fear on her face...I never want to be the cause of that again; that's why I promised...and yet here we are again. I thought she'd know that I'd stick to my word...
I wish I could just tell her that now, but my jaw feels so stiff and heavy...this is more serious than I thought...
I really was going to see the doc and take care of it...I can't believe this is happening again. I feel so weak and helpless...and my body isn't listening to my demands. This is the worst feeling in the world...and the worst part is, I've felt like this before and that didn't end so well...
"Come on Sara, help me get you up. I'm really awkward with this damn leg. Oh Sara, how did we get to this point again?" Catherine sighs, still not understanding the severity of the moment.
The only reply Sara can manage is an incomprehensible groan.
Yeah, this is really bad...I think I'm going to pass out. My vision is blurred and even my hearing sounds muffled and distorted like things are playing in slow motion. I wish I could tell Cath what's really happening, but I just can't get the words out.
Come on Cath...Really...if I was going to off myself, would I really overdose then go to the laundry room and start to fold the towels?
Just as Catherine begins to lean down toward Sara, a violent cough erupts, coursing through Sara's body, leaving a small trail of blood in its wake.
"Oh God Sara! Are you okay? Oh my God, okay...try to take deep breaths, I'm calling an ambulance! Oh God Sara I'm so sorry, please be okay! Just hang in there love!"
Oh no... I'm going to pass out...shit, shit!
I can't breathe! I'm trying to take deep breaths Catherine, but I'm scared! Oh God...why am I so stupid!
...Cath...I'm...I'm scared...I can't...
"...yes I will, but please hurry! I think she's unconscious! Oh God Sara I love you! I love you baby, please don't leave me...not again! I'm so sorry, I love you!"
The last thoughts that run through Sara's mind before she loses the battle with consciousness are that of hurt and humiliation.
I'm so tired of letting people down; maybe it would be better if I just didn't wake up.