Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.
A/N: Thank you quietmusician for the review. I truly appreciate and enjoy reading what people think. It's still so intimidating posting ideas out there for the world to see…and hearing from living breathing people is just in a whole different category. Let me once again apologize for taking so damn long and also for the fact that this isn't a long chapter. Life and the burdens of my chosen profession are weighing me down, but I plan on allowing my angst to purge itself through writing again. A word of warning, I have re-read 'To Fall Below Adversity' to get back into the proper mindset for this piece so to warn everyone now that soon we are going to delve into mature themes and dark places…so if you like happy stories, insert happy ending here. Some may say I will be eventually going out of character or that this is an AU fic….probably and yeah I guess. I was looking over my old notes for this fic that I had planned way back and even I am a bit surprised…my brain can go into really disturbing places! …I'm not sure what that says about me, but for now I'm going to go with it. I will ask that you not wish death upon me… I won't be surprised if people hate me and/or this story…but sorry…I have to finish what I started. That's assuming of course that there are still people interested in reading this story. Anyways, thank you so much for those of you that are still here and I would love to hear what you think. Thanks again and take care everyone!
The God forsaken pissed off looking abstract flower paintings are back to haunt me!
I can't help but silently glare at the distorted atrocities lining the much feared surgical waiting room. This is far from the first time our extended family has parked ourselves here in nervous anticipation...and it doesn't get any less terrifying.
Seeing people dressed in scrubs walking back and forth talking to each other casually is pissing me off too. People joking, laughing…while the blood on their shirts is still wet...it cheapens the moment. Although, I probably shouldn't talk...I stare death in the face every day myself and I shoot shit with my co-workers while photographing a scene...damn. From now on, I'll be more respectful while on scene...or maybe I'm just thinking too much. I think Sara and I should take a vacation. When this latest crisis is over, I'm gonna take her away...I wish I had done that before...
How did I manage to take things for granted again...why do we do that? Don't realize what we have until it's taken away from us...why is it human nature to be so damn ignorant? ...oh God...did I blame Sara for passing out? Did I say anything out loud? I can't even remember what happened! What did I do to deserve all this pain?
"Family for Miss Sidle please?"
"That would be us. This is Catherine her partner, and I'm Gil Grissom her supervisor." Grissom says while standing and extending his hand to the tall young doctor.
After being ushered into a small stale smelling room, the extended family is greeted with a long story filled with complicated Latin filled words, worried glances and fear inducing uncertainty. It turns out that Sara had been shown x-ray results shortly after the car accident depicting a bullet fragment that had migrated dangerously within her body and had booked an appointment to have it addressed, that was to be next week. It had been originally this past Tuesday, but Sara had cancelled it...it was the same day Catherine woke up in tremendous pain and spent much of the day on the sofa being tended to by non-other than Sara herself. She was scheduled to go into surgery to remove the fragment...the same fragment that just tore through her body for a second time...how many more times does she have to suffer at the hands of a madman who is now six feet under?
As the doctor continues to weave the tale of Sara's journey through the surgery, I can't help but wonder why she didn't tell me the truth up front. I mean, I know she did it to protect me…that she didn't want me to worry…. but still. Did she think I was that fragile that I could handle my recovery and her health concerns as well? Hell, I did it before. Did she really think she could have pulled it all off by herself without sharing the burden with any of us? It eats at my soul knowing she dealt with all this new turmoil alone. She had to have been scared and in pain…oh, my poor love…and I actually thought her distant behavior was drug or alcohol related…what kind of soul mate am I?
"Here Cath, it's all going to be okay. Did you hear what he just said? Basically they are just closing up now, she's already pulled through the difficult part of the surgery and given the severity of the situation, it couldn't have gone better. Its okay Cath, you don't have to cry, Sara is alive. Thank God you found her right away and they got to her in time." Grissom gently says while passing Catherine a tissue and placing a supportive hand on her back.
Well first off I didn't even know I was crying because I stopped listening to you two minutes ago…and second, if you only knew how I found her and what I was planning to do to her…please God tell me Sara didn't hear me accuse her….please.
The next couple of hours pass Catherine by without her knowledge as she brewed in her own misery. Unable to even recall how she came to be sitting in the ICU holding Sara's limp warm hand, she allows the all too familiar sounds of the ICU keep her at least somewhat grounded in the real world. Still tugging on the edges of her consciousness, the tormented regions of her mind ridicule and demean her for not picking up on Sara's distress earlier.
Seeing movement in her peripheral vision, Catherine looks though the glass walls of the ICU to see the familiar face of Sara's past and present nurse Elizabeth. With only a slight nod, the young nurse sweeps in the room and gathers the suction equipment necessary to facilitate a more comfortable breathing experience for her heavily sedated patient.
"Elizabeth, have you ever ended up somewhere and not actually be able to remember the exact steps that led you there?" Catherine asks without taking her eyes off Sara's prone body as the long suction catheter disappears then reemerges from her partner's throat.
Clearing the catheter with sterile water, Elizabeth makes a point of setting down the equipment before looking at the tired redhead, forcing her to make eye contact before replying.
"Yeah, every morning I come here. I tell you, there shouldn't be a 4:30am! I get on the train and I guess I'm just on autopilot because I get here okay. I'll be down in the locker room changing into my scrubs and I swear I can only remember waking up. But seriously Cath, I think you should go home and rest. You can trust me to look after Sara here; you need to get some sleep. Remember you are still recovering yourself."
"No! I'm fine! This is exactly where I should be! You can't make me leave! I'm not leaving her! It's my fault she's here in the first place! Besides, are you even qualified to make that assessment? How do you know she's going to be fine? Who do you think you are?" Catherine yells while dropping Sara's hand and jumping to her feet just centimeters from the young nurse's face.
"Catherine. Sit back down please." The nurse calmly says while glancing through the glass wall and shaking her head at her coworker who had risen from her seat at the nursing station.
"No, you can't tell me what to do nurse! God damn hospital workers…who do any of you think you are…you have fun playing God? She's just another body and a paycheck for you guys anyway!" Catherine continues to yell taking a step closer toward the nurse who continues to silently stand her ground.
"Okay Catherine. Sit back down and let it out. Talk to me, I'll help you through this. Get it off your chest now with me…because if anyone else gets involved here, you are going to be escorted out. I know you are frustrated…you have every right to be…but remember where you are. You need to sit down." Elizabeth says unfazed by the attack knowing it's not a personal assault, but rather the end result of too much stress for one person to withstand.
Catherine obediently drops down into her seat before quickly jumping back to her feet and launching herself into the arms of the woman who had become both her and Sara's friend.
"Oh God, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it…I….I…" Catherine begins before becoming overwhelmed by body wracking sobs.
"Shhh, it's okay. Breathe Catherine. Here, sit back down. You are going to be okay." Elizabeth mumbles into Catherine's hair while trying to guide the woman into the chair as her knees buckle and Elizabeth is left supporting much of Catherine's weight.
It is one of the many hazards of the profession; as front line workers, nurses bear much of the brunt of people's suffering and confusion. The challenging aspect is learning to recognize that it is not so much of a personal attack as it is a cry for help that presents as hostility.
As Catherine's desperate sobs begin to die down and the death grip begins to loosen, Elizabeth glances over at her charge and notes Sara's obliviousness to the dire situation. Subtly shaking her head, she can't help but think back to a time when she herself was not aware of the immense suffering that exists every second of every day. She gently rubs the redhead's back and thinks to herself that she is going to need to book another appointment with the Employee Assistance Program's social worker.
Looking down at the broken woman in her arms, Elizabeth pushes enough distance between them that she is able to make contact with swollen red eyes and communicate without saying a word.
It's the part of nursing that no book describes and no teacher dares mention…the emotional burden you choose to carry if you allow yourself to emphasize with your patients; and it is a choice…you can remain objective and detached and still be a competent, skilled nurse. But for Elizabeth she chooses to open her heart and soul to those she cares for…especially these two special women and in doing so, has earned herself time with another professional to alleviate the enormous burden she feels is now crushing down on her shoulders. Blissful ignorance as to the amount of suffering that exists in the world is no longer a convenience for nurses.
The gravelly sound of a man clearing his throat shakes both women from their thoughts as they both look up to see the aged, concerned face of one Jim Brass.
"I'm sorry, do you mind if I come in?" Jim asks while taking in the appearance of two women who both look like they have been to war and back.
"No of course, please sir….everything is okay here. Sara is doing as to be expected…I'll leave you guys for a few minutes. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, and I will be monitoring Sara's vital from the nursing station." Elizabeth says while detaching herself from Catherine, who quickly pulls the caring nurse into one more thankful embrace.
Giving the familiar face a caring hug as well, Jim and Elizabeth trade places and Jim assumes the position of hugging a distraught and tired Catherine Willows.
"Sorry Cath, I came as soon as I could. It is going to be okay love, you know Sara, this is nothing for her….she will be up and harassing staff before you know it. Hell, isn't that SLP lady still here….the one that Sara flipped off? I bet they will be toe to toe before you know it." Jim says trying to bring humor into a humorless situation. It's a position that both participants have had to learn to adapt.
Catherine emits a half laugh, half sob before letting Jim go and reverently kissing Sara on the head, mindful to avoid the obtrusive breathing tube that is suspended above Sara's prone body.
"Thanks Jim...I just don't know anymore, you know? I really can't do this anymore." An overwhelmed Catherine says as Jim pulls a chair up next to his two favorite women.
"Yes you can…and so can Sara. This love story doesn't end here. What is that saying, what doesn't kill you…" Jim begins before he is cut off.
"Don't let Sara hear you say that….she yelled at me last week for using a similar saying….she said something like she didn't believe in these catch all, half-assed sayings we keep telling ourselves…" Catherine explains before trying to catch the sob that erupts from within.
Behind the glass walls, from the nursing station Elizabeth silently wipes a tear trying to escape as she looks on and watches the machine's reading of her patient's vital signs. Making a mental note to tell her loved ones tonight how much she appreciates and loves them, the experienced nurse slips her game face back on and records the necessary information. You never really know what life has in store for you, or when your number will be up; you just have to remind yourself to be thankful for what you have and try to fight the natural tendency to become complacent and lose sight of what is really important in life.
The lights in the hallway dimmer to a more realistic nighttime atmosphere and the only sounds bouncing off the walls are the beeping of machines and the quiet sobs of families in mourning. This is life in the ICU…as normal as it gets.