Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.
A/N: Thank you so much quietmusician for the review. I truly appreciate any and all feedback I get. Once again, I'm sorry for the less than frequent updates...there have been so much going on that I haven't had time to enjoy writing. I have a question though for those of you kind enough to put up with my long wait times. Would you prefer I write up most of the story then post the updates closer together...knowing that it may take longer? Or post them as I have been doing? I really hope I can devote more time to this...I'm trying to balance everything out. Thanks again for reading and sticking with me. Take care everyone!
The strange disorientating feeling of deja-vu is in full effect. It's almost like going back in time all together; but throwing more complications and stress on top just to keep things a little fresh. Why is it that whenever we seem to be adjusting to the struggles that life produces, a new tragedy has to intrude? It just feels like if we take two steps forward, we then get pushed five steps back?
Even wandering the now too familiar corridors of Desert Palms hospital has become more of a chore thanks to my broken leg and crutches. Inconsiderate assholes cram the hallways and bump into you regardless if you are on crutches, walking with a cane or are even in a wheelchair! In a bloody hospital! Humanity never fails to disappoint.
A week has passed since Sara's most recent surgery to remove the bullet fragment that had unexpectedly and dangerously migrated and all signs are pointing toward a recovery, save one problem; she has yet to wake up.
Sara's physical wounds are healing surprisingly fast; much faster than the last time Sara required life support. Three days ago the medical team had tested and successfully extubated Sara, freeing her of the obstructive breathing device and allowing her to breathe on her own. Other than a couple IV's, oxygen via nasal prongs, a catheter and the oxygen/cardiac monitoring wires, all other scary devices have been successfully weaned away. Now if only she would wake up...
As Catherine manages to hobble onto the unit that sees more of her waking hours than does the building she calls home, she's greeted by the sight of Sara's nurse and several medical interns leaving her room.
Seeing Catherine's questioning and concerned look, Nurse Elizabeth gestures with her hands to wait one moment and gives her the thumbs up, while still instructing the two novice doctors.
Catherine can't stop the cold dread building in her stomach that quickly spreads into whole body quivering. She can just feel that something isn't right...this isn't normal. As she waits for the nurse to finish what she's doing, Catherine awkwardly shifts her weight so that the pressure from the crutches doesn't chafe under her arms and tries to avoid the mystery stain on the floor that she would rather not know the origin of. She finds herself staring intently at her caste as if it would provide the answers she is seeking.
Sara hasn't been responding in any meaningful way...not like before. She hasn't moved around at all, hasn't squeezed hands or flinched when procedures were performed. It really just feels like she's not there...and Catherine doesn't know what to do.
When she had first found Sara and spent that first night in the ICU after the surgery she had been plagued with guilt and regret over how she handled and misunderstood things. Now she can't even wallow in self-pity...she's frozen with fear. Fear that this might be it...she may actually lose her this time. She can't be left here alone...she can't.
Catherine's internal struggle is cut off by the familiar voice and presence of Elizabeth. She was so deep in thought that she hadn't heard the young nurse approach and couldn't suppress the skittish jump that followed.
"Sorry Catherine. Do you mind if we sit and talk for a few minutes before you go in to see Sara? I would like to get you up to date before the interns and resident come to do their rounds and see you."
Without a verbal response Catherine numbly follows Elizabeth into the family room and takes a seat in the uncomfortably stiff chair.
"You already know and can see how fast Sara is healing physically and I know you're concerned at her lack of awareness and response to stimuli; so are we." The nurse gently begins before getting cut off by an anxious Catherine.
"Has her nine lives run out Elizabeth? Am I going to lose her this time?" Catherine asks without pulling any punches. As much as she doesn't want to have her worst fears confirmed, she can't take another breath until the weight of this implication is removed from her chest.
"Sara opened her eyes for a good few hours today, but she wasn't focusing or reacting to anything...her eyes were just slightly jerking back and forth. That does have us concerned...as does her overall unresponsiveness, but we still have to conduct tests. Her body is stabilizing medically otherwise, so we have to try to understand what's going on...why she's not responsive. I know it's beyond difficult, but you can't panic yet Catherine. Please just give us time. I haven't lied or sugar coated things to you before and I won't start now. For the time being, just go be with her and trust that she's getting the best care available."
The young nurse places a calming hand on Catherine's quivering knee before continuing.
"I just wanted to talk to you first and let you know what our game plan is now before you get bombarded by doctors and questions. Lots of people are going to be coming in and out and running tests so we can figure out where we stand...but she is stable, okay...try to focus on that." Elizabeth explains before her name is paged on the intercom, delaying any further questions from Catherine.
Sighing, the young nurse apologizes before running off and Catherine is left to hobble over to Sara's room. As Catherine takes a seat in another uncomfortable chair and holds the warm limp hand of her love, she spots the two interns from earlier walking over to the dictating station across the hall from Sara's room.
Not meaning to intentionally eavesdrop on their conversation, Catherine's ears perk up when she hears Sara's name. Knowing the soon to be doctors had examined Sara with Elizabeth just before she arrived, she moves her chair to the other side of the bed to see if she can hear what their assessment had revealed.
"So wait, is Sidle in a persistent vegetative state because of a traumatic brain injury?"
"No Steve, didn't you pay attention to anything that nurse was saying? Come on man, you're never gonna make it if you don't listen to the nurses assessment. They are our eyes and ears here...they spend the most time with the actual patients. You better get your facts straight before the resident gets here and starts grilling or she's gonna eat you alive!"
"Okay, okay so enlighten me Mr. Perfect. I couldn't help it, that hot nurse was distracting me...I'll get my head back in the game."
"You're an asshole man...stop ogling the nurses! You deserve to be chewed out by the resident doctor. Sidle is post-op from complications of a GSW to the chest last year. At the time of the injury she had hypoxic brain damage and a lower lobe lobectomy. She was lucky to survive."
"Well, it looks like her luck has run out now. I've seen patients present like her with this type of brain damage...she'll end up in a complex continuing care facility with a trach and a g-tube. I saw this young lady a few months back...she was in a persistent vegetative state with a trach and g-tube for 26 years before she finally died from septic shock from a stage four pressure ulcer. Can you imagine being in that kind of limbo state for that long...not dead, but not really alive in any meaningful way. Damn shame for both of them...she was young and hot like this one before the original injury."
"You're a pig Steven! Find a new line of work man...I'm done with this...you're on your own!"
Having heard more than she had probably wanted to from the two men, Catherine wipes away a tear and kisses Sara on the head before slowly pressing the call bell. Suddenly the sterile smell of the hospital starts to overwhelm her and she finds herself undoing a button on her top and pulling it down. The room itself begins to feel like it's closing in on her and Catherine fights the urge to hobble over to the window and stick her head out of it. Though it felt longer, within mere minutes Elizabeth sweeps into the room and glances at Sara and the accompanying monitors, before settling her gaze on a distraught looking Catherine.
"Is everything okay here Catherine?" The young nurse asks tentatively.
"Is she in a persistent vegetative state? Is she going to need a trach and a g-tube? Have you seen that happen before? Where people can stay like this for years and years until they finally waste away and die?" Catherine asks all in one breath before being overtaken by a sob.
"Persistent vegetative state? Whoa, whoa slow down Catherine. Who told you that?"
"Have you seen cases like Sara end up like that? You have haven't you! With the way she's presenting right now...this is it isn't it? You've seen it before!" Catherine continues while standing and starting to pace in front of Elizabeth.
"Catherine stop...sit down. Please don't say things like that in front of Sara okay? Please try to calm down." Elizabeth begins while putting a calming hand on Catherine's shoulder and guiding her back to the chair next to Sara.
"First of all, that was an unfair loaded question. I've seen many horrible things happen to people with varying outcomes. Every person...every case is unique. Think of it from your CSI perspective. Petechial hemorrhaging for example...it can happen from straining too hard on the can while trying to poop...not every time you see it on a body automatically means they were strangled to death right?"
Elizabeth's question is met by silence and a half glare from Catherine.
"Okay not the best example but you get my point. Look, I know it's so much easier said than done, but try to hang in there and wait until we take a CT, MRI and EEG. We need to know what we are dealing with exactly before we start throwing out procedures and such. We didn't even discuss the g-tube option the first time when Sara was on life support. For now we'll keep doing what we did then with TPN and NG for nutrition...nothing permanent."
Without looking up at the nurse, Catherine slowly takes Sara's warm limp hand in both of hers before speaking softly.
"Can you put in her notes though; that she wouldn't want a g-tube or trach...she wouldn't want to slowly waste away to nothing. I'll sign whatever paperwork is necessary, I just couldn't bear if they did that to her. I just don't know what to do or think anymore...I'm sorry."
At hearing the now defeated and detached tone forming with Catherine's words, Elizabeth's nursing instincts snap to high alert as she watches Catherine carefully.
"Don't worry Catherine; there is no rush to fill out those forms yet, we..."
"No, please...I would like this taken care of now Elizabeth. Sara deserves so much more then to slowly fade away and die."
"I know you're scared Catherine and that's perfectly normal...but you'll make the right decisions for Sara when the time comes...just like you did the last time. You'll make sure her wishes are met." Elizabeth says in a forced calm tone, before scribbling down a name and number on a piece of paper and handing it to Catherine.
"I'll make you a deal, I'll go write up the paperwork for you to sign for Sara's advance directives if you promise to go see my EAP councilor Nicole tomorrow afternoon. She's a wonderful woman, I've seen her several times this year and I know she'll be in the office tomorrow. As much as you may not want to, sometimes talking to someone and discussing your fears about these difficult decisions out loud to another human being can really help. It's too much pressure and stress for one person to bear and I know you have a wonderful extended family, but sometimes an outside perspective is needed."
Catherine slowly folds the paper and puts it in her pocket without looking up or acknowledging the deal. Her mind is spinning with worry; so much so that she almost feels like she is moving.
"Please Catherine, Sara needs you...don't give up on her and don't give up on yourself. We will know more about her prognosis after the tests are done."
Looking up at Elizabeth with tear filled eyes; Catherine slowly nods her head and thanks her before returning her gaze to Sara and tucking a stand of hair behind her ear.
Sensing that Catherine would like her privacy now, Elizabeth excuses herself and returns to the nursing station to fulfill her end of the agreement whilst still keeping an eye on Sara's room from a distance.
Finally alone with her love, Catherine leans over the bedrail and whispers in Sara's ear.
"Remember that night last year when I walked into our living room and found you with your gun pointed at your head...do you remember what I told you then? I told you that half my heart died with Lindsay and the final half would die with you."
Catherine pauses and reaches over to the bedside table to grab a tissue to rid her face of that pesky tear before continuing her one-sided conversation.
"I can't live without you Sara...I'm not strong enough to be alone. I can't just sit here and watch your body waste away until it finally catches up to the rest of your spirit and dies. Remember what I promised you before...that we will be together...even in death...I love you so much Sara. We will be together my love, I promise."
Allowing herself to cry freely, Catherine leans over and kisses Sara before resting her forehead gently on Sara's face until her tears subside. For the first time in a long time Catherine feels a calm wash over her. The sterile hospital smell has seemingly dissipated and the walls around her have opened up.
Catherine leans back in her chair and contently watches Sara; trying to memorize her every feature while she sleeps. All the beeping background noise of the ICU begins to fade as Catherine closes her eyes and continues to picture Sara's image in her mind.