A/N: Thank you so very much Candi and Joanna for the reviews! I know I always say it, but I apologize for the delay in posting this update...night shift sucks! I think I'm FINALLY seeing the end of this story approaching...another three to four chapters and at long last it will be completed. I honestly never thought it would take me over two years to get this done...I am so, so sorry! If I decide to write fanfiction again I will definitely write the bulk of the story before beginning to post; thank you so much for those of you that have stuck with my crazy ideas and horrible delays! Feedback as always is much appreciated. Take care everyone!
Catherine
Miraculously we made it to Desert Palms hospital in one peace. I'm not sure what was more traumatizing; Sara deteriorating and fearing for her health, or Sara deteriorating and Jim's driving in response to her decline.
I love Jim dearly and trust both my life and Sara's in his capable hands...but Damn...with every laboured breath Sara took, the speedometer went up 2 km per hour. For a while there I think I stopped breathing...
I just thank God we got Sara here safely though. We made the right choice to come to the hospital tonight. Her chest sounded horrible...I should have thought to bring her puffers and some of her medications with me when we set out to find her...but really, I wasn't thinking at that point. To be honest, I still don't think I've really wrapped my mind around all of this yet...it's just too much to even comprehend.
Even though we've only been separated for a couple minutes, my arms are already aching to hold Sara again. As promised, Gil and the medical team were waiting for us when we pulled up and Sara was rushed into the ER. Elizabeth is in with them now and she's also arranged for me to meet with the rehab team here to plan Sara's care; as soon as she's medically stable. The only problem is, it's the same rehab team I had been enrolled in...and I'm not really sure how I feel about that...
My train of thoughts are abruptly cut off as the blur off in my periphery materializes into the jogging figure of Elizabeth.
"Catherine! Hey, sorry...okay...so here's the deal, Jim and Gil are already on the second floor and they'll meet you there... I'll take you up to the office now myself and the directors will only be another minute..." Elizabeth pants out before pausing to take a few forced breaths and smirks at my raised eyebrow. "Yeah...I don't have the lung capacity to jog up stairs anymore...I really gotta quit smoking...this is nuts...sorry...just give me a minute..."
"Please, don't apologize...after everything you've done for us...hell, this is your day off...take all the time you need!" I say placing my hand on her shoulder. "Not to mention, it took me at least a dozen failed attempts at quitting before I finally got it right...it's not as easy as everyone thinks it is...especially when you have a high stress job and you find it comforting."
"Thanks...I'm okay now...Let's go." Elizabeth says while guiding us toward the door. "I'll come back up to check on you guys in a few minutes so when you are done I can take you to Sara. The ICU is clearing a bed for her as soon as the ER gives the all clear. They were just running a few tests when I left..."
The young nurse pauses and I can almost see the wheels turning in her head as she tries to think of a way to break the news to me gently.
"I know how grave it is Elizabeth...she really did a number on herself didn't she?"
"I'm so sorry Catherine...I still can't believe all this happened. Hell, I work with these people...I swear, I had no idea...we have such good social workers...Shit doesn't go down like this..."
Placing my hand on her shoulder once more and squeezing gently I cut off the increasingly agitated nurse.
"Don't worry; I'll deal with the idiots. I know you had no part in this and I do trust the staff here. Sara hates catch all sayings; but the whole 'one bad Apple spoils the bunch' comes to mind. Just make sure my girl is waiting for me okay? After everything...I'm not going to lose her now..."
Reaching the door, Elizabeth and I share one more supportive hug before I step toward the worried faces of Jim and Gil. As grateful as I am to have them here, I plan on being none too subtle with my displeasure on how Sara was treated and I hope for their sakes neither Jim nor Gil try to censor me.
/
-break-
/
Elizabeth
I watch the door slowly close and steal a quick glance at the extended CSI family hug each other in support before I turn away and head back down to the ER. I know Rob is the primary doctor responsible for Sara's care and despite the fact I'm not working, he won't shut me out from being the unofficial go between.
It's strange...I spend my life taking care of other people...watching individuals and families have their life torn apart in literally a blink of an eye...and yet it still doesn't get any easier or less shocking. Every day I see how cruel life can be...to the point I think I need to start working part-time instead of full-time in order to keep some of my sanity. Especially now since I've developed a personal connection with Sara and Catherine...it's just plain not fair how much they have suffered and had to overcome. How much more can one family take...how many times must they stand of the brink of being destroyed and keep coming back?
As I reach the swinging doors of the trauma room I sigh as I realize that once again it's the same room that both Lindsay and Sara have occupied before. Tears spring to my eyes at the sight of my lost friend as my colleagues hover over her, barking orders at each other. Suddenly I no longer want to enter...it's probably a good thing I'm not working tonight because there is no way I would be able to separate the emotional part of me from the nurse part...life is just not fair!
Taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to steel myself and finally enter the room, Rob looks up and catches my eye. Signaling for me to wait, he barks a couple more orders at the staff before grabbing some papers and coming out to meet me.
"Okay Rob, what do we have?"
"Not good Lizzy...not good. I'm honestly not even sure where I should be starting with her...there is just so much going on...I'm surprised she's even conscious."
I cringe at his use of my pet name, but given the seriousness of the moment I decide to let it slide as he hands me the preliminary test results he had in his hands.
I quickly scan the numbers and begin to interpret them in my head before snapping my eyes up to meet his.
"That can't be right Rob..."
"I ran them twice...and that's only the beginning. The X-ray didn't give me the best view, but needless to say I'm worried about her heart and lungs. I'll need a CAT scan or MRI to get a better look, but I'm almost positive there is fluid there. Given that Catherine told us that Sara complained of persistent chest pain and her heart beat is irregular, I need a rush on those scans. She's definitely critical right now."
"Rob...her kidneys and liver are failing...and her white blood cell count is through the roof...oh my God...and is this the tox panel? Oh Sara..."
I have to turn away from the paper as the tears are blurring my eyes to the point I can no longer read the numbers...and at this point I'm not sure I even want to anymore. I don't think I can do this...I don't think I can even be the go between...
I clear my throat to try to rid myself of the emotional quiver in my voice. I have to pull myself together before I lose it completely.
"Given all these numbers...is her body even going to be able to handle the withdrawal?" I ask as I begin to feel my head start to spin at the implications of the papers in my hands.
Rob places a gentle hand on my shoulder and turns us so that our backs are against the trauma room window before he continues.
"She's definitely in for the long haul...thank God they got her here when they did. At least her Sats are coming up now...I thought we were going to have to intubate her again. I've started a few IV antibiotics already...I'm not even sure where this infection is coming from." Rob says before running his hand through his hair.
It scares me to see how rattled Rob is...he's normally so calm, cool and collected. This is really bad. It's never easy to see cases like these...but given almost all the staff here has heard of Catherine and Sara's many plights over the past year, we all can't help but take it a little more personally.
Taking my silence as an invitation to continue, Rob pulls out another paper from my hands and sighs.
"Dietary is concerned about refeeding syndrome so we are going with IV nutrition for now. If I had to guess, I'd bet she hasn't eaten for days. She's dangerously underweight and dehydrated. I'm almost positive she has a stomach ulcer as well."
Finally able to find my voice again and trying to get myself back into nurse mode, I flip through the last few pages trying to absorb as much information as I can.
"What are the thoughts on her epilepsy and brain damage?"
"Given how she is responding to us right now, I don't think there has been any major brain damage sustained. She more than likely did experience seizures though...since one of the only drugs not in her system are the seizure medications..."
I can't stop the cringe as I remember her alarming tox panel. God only knows how many drugs she's abused since she left...I wasn't even sure that was possible...and I've seen my fair share over the years.
"Did she ummm...has she...you know...given that they found her in a tweaker area...with IV drug use..." I sigh and run my hand over my face before drawing in a deep breath. I can't even get the question out for fear of what the answer may be. Luckily Rob seems to catch on and matches me with a deep sigh of his own.
"I don't have definitive results yet...but miraculously it looks like she hasn't contracted any disease. She's already proven to us time and time again that's she's a fighter, but this is going to be tough. Given all of her other complications...there is so much to worry about...and we don't even have the whole story yet. How is Catherine taking it?" Rob asks looking around for the familiar red head.
"She's up talking with the directors of the rehab team now...I'm going to go up to get her in a minute and bring her to Sara...if that's okay with you guys?" I ask while turning back around to look at Sara through the glass door.
"Yeah, no problem. I'll bring in a chair for her. We need to wait for a few more results then come up with a game plan for her care. The rehab team won't be able to see her for a while though...not until I'm confident she's stable. She looks a lot better right now than she really is...her body is on the brink of complete failure...I have the crash cart on standby." Rob says shaking his head and gesturing to the ominous cart before he freezes his actions and looks up at me.
"...wait...it's not the same rehab program as..." Rob starts before I cut him off.
"Yeah...so I should probably go get Catherine now...her anger is more than justifiable, but still. I'm surprised we haven't heard a code white called already."
"When all this is said and done I expect a full inquiry to be held. This just shouldn't have happened." Rob says through clenched teeth as his body posture stiffens.
I still can't believe all of this has happened. How did everything go so wrong? The tension and anger in the air is palpable until a disturbingly rattled cough from behind the glass door grabs our attention and brings us back to the present.
"You know what; those idiots don't deserve our attention right now. Let's just keep focused on getting these two ladies through this so they can finally enjoy their lives together the way they deserve. You go take care of Catherine and bring her down and I'll work on stabilizing Sara. I'll see you back down here in a few." Rob says patting me on the arm before we turn our separate ways.
Despite my lung's protest I take the stairs two at a time and jog to the still closed door of the conference room. I can hear the muffled voices of several people trying to talk at the same time before Catherine's distinct voice rises above them all.
My right fist freezes mid-knock and my eyebrows rise up to my hairline as a giggle escapes my lips. I instinctively take a step back and glance around to see if anyone else is in ear-shot of the door.
Finding myself alone in the hallway, I cross my arms over my chest and allow Catherine to have her say without interruption. A pang of guilt washes over me as I realize I'm eavesdropping, but much like a car wreck, I find myself unable to look away.
"Wow...I wow..." I clear my throat and mutter to myself. I really should walk away but wow...that was...hmmm...
"I guess I haven't heard it all...good for her!" I mutter again to no one in particular while shaking my head to try to rid myself of the blush I can feel creeping up my neck as Catherine's words resonate in my head.
"...well, I won't be able to look him in the eye for a while...although I did always get a creepy vibe from him...good enough for the bastard!"
My conversation to myself is suddenly cut off as the door swings open and the directors scramble out like cockroaches when the lights are turned on.
I let out a half cough and try to clear my throat in an attempt to act natural as the flushed faces of Jim and Gil greet me. I can only imagine that their sheepish expressions probably mirror my own. We wordlessly glance at each other until Catherine steps out from behind them; calmly adjusting her dress shirt.
"They will allow me to be involved in Sara's rehab...even though it's against policy." Catherine says evenly as a means of explanation and I awkwardly find myself shaking my head before nodding like an idiot as Catherine strides by me towards the stairs.
I glance once again and Jim and Gil who both look as shell-shocked as I feel. We stand awkwardly for a moment before we all notice Catherine's already at the door to the stairs, so we scurry to catch up behind her.
Note to self...do not incur the wrath of Catherine Willows.
/
-break-
/
Catherine
I know it sounds bad, but I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...at least one of the small ones...there are several that reside there.
Once we get back to the ER, Elizabeth, Jim and Gil look at each other awkwardly before the guys step away to go talk to the team and give Elizabeth and I some privacy.
As soon as the guys round the corner I brace myself for the worst and ask the question I'm honesty afraid of hearing.
"So how bad is it really Elizabeth?"
The young nurse takes a deep breath and glances at her feet before making eye contact with me.
"It's very critical Catherine. I'm not going to sugar coat it. She may look okay this second, but she's profoundly unwell. We don't have the full picture yet because some of the tests were inconclusive, but her body is failing."
Elizabeth pauses and glances around before running a hand over face.
"You know about the drug use...but trust me when I say, it was bad...and it has taken its toll. She probably abused any and everything...but it seems miraculously she hasn't contracted any disease from the IV use."
I release the breath I didn't even know I was holding and a single tear escapes and runs down my cheek before I quickly swipe it away. She gives me a moment to compose myself silently before continuing.
"Right now we have her on oxygen via nasal prongs...they gave her a breathing treatment when she came in and that has seemed to help...but her chest isn't good. She's also fighting an infection so we have several IV's running with different medications, as well as for hydration. She'll stay here in the ER until we can take a few more scans...then she'll go to the ICU."
Elizabeth once again pauses her medical recap as she gently takes my arm and guides me to the windowed door that I have seen more than I care to remember.
"In terms of seizures and brain damage...I really can't give you a definite answer...but if anything, it wasn't too severe."
Taking a deep breath now myself, I slowly glance in the room and see my love propped up on the flimsy padded stretcher. Despite Elizabeth's warnings, I can't help but feel a rush of hope wash over me at how alert she appears. She looks much better than she did in the car. She doesn't appear to be in full withdrawal, perhaps due to whatever they are giving her; but she is quivering as if she's starting to come down from her high.
My stomach suddenly clenches as I wonder if her deterioration in the car was because of the last hit I forced on her. Tears immediately flood my eyes and I have to swallow several times before I can finally talk against the lump in my throat.
"Elizabeth...I ummm...I...before we came here...I had to...I forced her...I..."
Stopping to clear my throat and try again, the young nurse patiently waits as I glue my eyes to the floor.
"I gave her another hit for fear of withdrawal... she was having a panic attack...her heart was racing...but she looks so much better now...did I hurt her?...did I make a mistake? Did I make her worse?"
Elizabeth forces me to look at her before speaking.
"Catherine, you did what you had to do. Trust me...in terms of drug volume; it was a drop in the bucket. Let's just get you in there and see your girl okay. You got her here, now you get her through this."
Hugging the kind nurse, I allow myself a few moments to settle my nerves as I look in at Sara's abused, thin body twitching and shivering uncontrollably against the over-sized looking hospital gown. One size definitely does not fit all.
We really are in for the long haul...I just pray to God we both still have the resolve to fight through this.
/
-break-
/
Sara
I watch with strange fascination as a nurse takes yet another blood sample from me and places a cotton ball covered with a band aid on my arm. I have to give that girl credit...my veins aren't easy to find anymore...I should know...and yet she found it in only two attempts. Not to mention the fact my whole body is twitching and shaking no matter how hard I try to regain full control of my muscles.
I don't know what they have given me, but I'm painfully awake and alert right now. It's beyond scary since up until this point my memory and concept of time was so jumbled. This must be some really strong shit...and that's probably not a good thing.
Shaking my head, I look up to complement her before she leaves, but my thoughts are cut off as I see Elizabeth and Catherine standing just outside the swinging doors talking to each other.
I feel my heart clinch with guilt as I see her wipe tears from her cheeks.
I caused that...yet again...
...what have I done?...
The doors swing open and Catherine cautiously enters and takes a seat in the empty chair beside me. Suddenly feeling very self-conscious and ashamed, I find I can't meet Catherine's eyes and instead try to look around to see where everyone has gone. Just a few minutes ago this room was bristling with people and activity; now it's far too quiet and empty.
I silently stare at my hands wishing I could just disappear; until Catherine's warm gentle hand comes to rest on my arm. I close my eyes against the comfort she provides; I don't deserve her unwavering love and support...
"How are you feeling babe?" Catherine's soft voice breaks the silence as she gives my arm a gentle squeeze of encouragement.
Deciding the least I could do is be open and honest with the woman whose life I have turned upside down, I resume staring at my clenched quivering hands and try to find the strength to get my words out without breaking down.
"Like I've been hit by a truck, followed by a bus, followed by a snow plough." I pause, and fight my tight chest to take in a deep breath before I force myself to make eye contact with the person I love beyond words. "I think I've done it this time Catherine. You weren't supposed to find me...to see me like that. 'I'm sorry' just doesn't seem to cut it anymore."
Catherine shakes her head and opens her mouth to protest, but I cut her off by lifting my hand; silently begging her to let me finish before I lose my resolve.
"You should just run away Cath...run as far as you can away from me. I can't keep hurting you like this...but I can't seem to control it myself anymore. I need you to leave and end this...stop me from hurting you."
Unable to look into her soulful blue eyes any longer, I cowardly turn my face away from her and close my eyes in shame.
"Sara, I love you. I told you before that nothing you could do would make me not love you...so you better get used to me being here. I promise I'll never leave you again." She lets out a soft sigh before squeezing my arm a little tighter. "Sara, look at me."
Gently grabbing my chin and turning my head to face her, I stubbornly keep my eyes closed until I feel her soft lips peck my closed eyelids.
"Look at me babe."
Unable to deny her any longer, I force myself to look at her...to look at the pain that I have caused her.
She gives me a tearful, sad smile before letting go of my chin and placing her open hand along the side of my face.
"I am so sorry you had to go through all of that all alone Sara. I may not agree with how you coped, but I don't blame you. If I hadn't tried to kill myself, none of this would have happened."
We both cringe at the statement that neither of us thought we would ever have to utter, before Catherine raises a hand to silence my impending argument.
"Don't even say it...just listen to me." She demands and I immediately comply. "We both made mistakes...and we can't take it back no matter how much we blame ourselves...so let's just move forward okay? We both need to promise not to hide our pain from each other."
She pauses to wipe a tear from my face before wiping one from her own.
"Sara, I need to hear you say that you promise! If you so much as have gas cramps I want to know! You're not out of the woods yet."
As I look into her tearful eyes I'm surprised to see no malice there, only love. How could she still love me after everything I have done?
My God, you could get lost in those eyes! If the eyes are truly the window into the soul, then hers must be the most beautiful soul in existence.
I didn't think it could be possible to be this sad and this happy at the same time. I love her so much! She is the strongest woman I have ever had the honour of knowing. After all the turmoil and pain she has had to endure, she still stands here strong and defiant in the face of adversity. My heart swells with pride for her...in stark contrast to the cold disgust I feel toward myself...
"Sara, say 'I promise'!"
I wish I could grant her request. I wish I could promise her the world...but I can't. I don't deserve this undying love and devotion. I can't do this to her...it's just not fair! She deserves more than I have to offer.
"Catherine, this isn't about hiding our feelings anymore babe. I trust you implicitly and I love you beyond what I thought possible...but...this isn't like before. This is way worse. I can't promise anything anymore. Look at me..."
With a heavy sigh and with my voice cracking with emotion, I tiredly lift my arms and let out a humourless laugh.
"Just look at me...I'm beyond broken."
"I'm looking Sara...and this isn't worse...we are going to fix this. Hell, we are willing to die for each other." She pauses and leans back slightly. "Is that what you want? We can both kill ourselves...here...now."
Seeing her face completely calm and serious, my eyebrows shoot up and I shake my head as vigorously as my quivering muscles will allow.
"Then if we aren't going to die together now, then let's work on living together okay?"
Still in my shell shocked state, I can't find my voice and I end up just staring wide eyed at the most wonderful woman in the world. Perhaps taking my silence as refusal, Catherine stands up and leans closer to me.
"Now promise me...I need to hear you say it Sara!"
Unable to deny a request from my love for long, I promise her and she immediately begins another heart-felt, love conquers all rant.
Despite the seriousness of the situation I find myself smiling at Catherine. I've done nothing to deserve such a wonderful woman in my life.
My smile is short lived however, as I begin to feel my chest getting uncomfortably tight.
Is this from emotion? Or guilt?
It's spreading painfully across my chest from left to right and I try to move myself into more of a sitting position just to get a good breath in. Is this withdrawal? A disturbingly familiar tingling makes its way up my limbs as Catherine's voice begins to muffle and sound farther away.
As panic begins to set in and I find it harder and harder to breathe, my mind unwillingly flashes to the last time I felt this way...when I spoke to Catherine on the phone, lungs filling with blood, on Todd's dingy floor...this is not good!
As fear begins to take over, I look up at Catherine who I think is still continuing her inspirational speech and try to get my mouth to form words. I just promised her too...oh God...something is very, very wrong...
"C-Cath...s-something is...I d-don't..."
I can't get my stupid voice to do anything other than a slurred whisper, but perhaps seeing my face Catherine immediately catches on and stops talking mid-sentence and pushes down on the call button.
Catherine's now blurry image appears right in front of my face and I'm startled to realize her voice sounds like I'm under water...I know I'm about to pass out and my body is completely out of my control. I can't believe this is happening again...
I can feel beads of sweat forming on my head...I guess it's a good thing I can still feel that...disturbing as it is.
I feel completely helpless as my vision continues to grey out to the point I can't even make out Catherine in front of me and I try in feign to tell her that I can't breathe...I don't think any words are actually coming out.
Moving to grasp the hand that is tightly clutching her chest, Catherine hovers over Sara and speaks loudly into her ear as her eyes begin to flutter and roll back.
"It's okay babe...I know you're having some trouble, help is on the way. Don't try and talk...just breathe...stay with me! I'm here with you love!"
I can feel Catherine's warm breath on my ear as she talks, but her voice is sounding farther and farther away. Even as my mind begins to fade, I can't help but feel the irony and it's just not fair!
For weeks I can waited for this moment...wanting to die and finally find some peace...then Catherine finds me and gives me a reason to live again and NOW my body decides to give up the fight? Now I'm not ready to die!
There is so much I need to tell Catherine...so much I need her to understand...and yet I can't get my thoughts out. I want her to know I heard her heartfelt pleas and I feel the same and so much more.
Both Catherine and Lindsay gave my life meaning. They showed me that kindness and love does exist in this world...despite the pain and cruelty I was exposed to as a child.
Catherine has to know...
"Sara, try not to panic...help is coming. Try and breathe babe...please don't leave me!"
Even though I can't see Catherine, I can feel her warm tears hit my cheeks and my own begin to fill in response.
I'm trying...God, I'm trying...I don't want to leave her. With what little control I have left, I try to squeeze her hand and draw as much strength as I can from her.
"Cath...C...I...I..."
"Shhh...Its okay Sara, I know. You don't have to tell me my love, I know. Just breathe. I'm right here with you, I'm not going to leave you. Keep fighting...stay with me!"
I know my body is shutting down; unfortunately I have felt this before. My fingers are tingling and going numb...to the point I can hardly feel Catherine's hand in mine anymore. I finally pushed my body to its limit. I'm not going to get another chance to cheat death...I know I'm going to die. Hell has reserved my spot.
I no longer have any control over my body. It feels like all of my limbs weigh 100 pounds each and something really; really large is sitting on my chest. I can hear myself gasping and Catherine crying...this had got to be the worst moment of my life!
I'm trying to keep my eyes open and look at Cath...even if it's a blurred, grayed-out version of her. At least my final image will be of my love.
Words cannot describe the terror of not being able to breathe...my lungs are burning, but despite my best efforts, I don't think I'm taking in any air...
...oh my God...this is it...
Flashes from my past are haunting my thoughts...I can see all of the hurt I have caused to Catherine over the years...please make it stop...just...just let me go...
/
-break-
/
Catherine
"Sara! Sara? Somebody help us now! We need help!"
I look down towards Sara's grayish blue pallor and contemplate getting up and dragging someone in here myself, but I don't want to leave her alone. I know it's only been a minute or two, but it feels like forever...and she's getting much, much worse.
"Don't you dare give up on me Sara Sidle! You keep fighting!" I demand as she sadly looks up at me. The look on her face is one of regret and resignation to the fact that she is about to die; and I just can't accept that.
The shaking and tremors have slowed and I think that scares me even more. She's losing the battle...and fast.
Suddenly I feel her body lurch violently against me and my heart stops for fear of this being another seizure...that is the last thing her poor body needs right now.
It takes me a moment to realize it's only her arms weakly flailing.
She's panicking and trying to fight me.
My poor love! I don't even want to know what's going through her head right now. I've never been this terrified...I can't imagine what she must feel like.
Bending down to kiss her face, I can feel her struggles weakening before growing limp under my hands.
"Sara breathe!" I look up towards the doors in panic before yelling toward whoever may be listening. "Help us she's not breathing! Oh my God...oh my God...Sara..."
I'm shaking beyond control and yet I feel paralyzed with fear.
What do I do?...what do I do? I know first aid...I just have to get my thoughts together...
Finally snapping into action, I lean over Sara while tilting her head back and plugging her nose. I take a few breaths myself in a futile attempt to calm my nerves before I bend down and breathe for Sara.
After a few attempts I pull back to assess the situation and realize that thanks to the bed being propped up slightly, I probably did little to no good. I regard Sara's deathly pallor and slightly open, but glazed eyes and realize in fear that she is indeed unconscious and probably dying.
I can hear rushed heavy feet approaching as well as the squeak of wheels coming towards us from down the hall. My adrenaline is pumping and in a cruel twist of fate, my senses are painfully sharp and it almost feels like these few moments are passing by in super slow motion.
Shaking my head at my stupidly failed attempts at first aid, I realize that I need to get Sara on a flat, hard surface. I need to tilt her head back properly to open her airway and chest compressions aren't effective on a mattress. I don't have time to look for the CPR board or fiddle with the position of the bed, so I opt to gather Sara's still body in my arms and pick her up; gently placing her on the solid floor. It is an awkward dance as I try not to pull on the IV or trip in the tubing and I cringe as I almost bring the pole down on us despite my best efforts.
I can't believe how light she is...even with the fact she is completely limp, I was able to pick up her tall frame as if she was a child...
Placing my fingers on her throat, I'm not surprised at the rapid weak pulse, but the nausea and fear increases none the less.
I tilt her head back and breathe for her properly this time as the room fills with people and commotion. Doctors and nurses are yelling numbers and questions at each other while kneeling down around us.
I try my best to fill in and answer the questions directed at me as my head continues to swim.
As they place monitors on her chest and take her vitals, I'm not surprised to hear the grim news; her blood pressure and pulse are practically nonexistent and she's not breathing on her own.
One of the nurses begins to prepare the necessary equipment to intubate her while another gets a transfer board to get her off the floor. I feel a flash of embarrassment and guilt for placing Sara on the floor when I hear the nurse's knee crack as she kneels down beside me injecting medication into one of Sara's IV lines.
My train of thought is suddenly interrupted when the shrill alarm of the cardiac monitor announces that Sara's heart has stopped beating properly and is now quivering out of control.
Without being told and with adrenaline now running full throttle, I quickly assume the proper position and begin chest compressions as one of the doctor's and a nurse double their efforts to intubate her while pulling the code blue alarm.
I interlock my fingers and place the base of my hand on top of her sternum and look up at one of the nurses who quickly nods her approval once the tube is successfully passed down her throat.
As I lock my elbows straight and place my full weight down into fast, deep compressions I immediately cringe and look up in fear as I hear and feel one of my love's ribs break under my hands. Given her skeletal appearance, I think I can actually see a small deformity and I wrench myself away as if I had been burnt.
Without missing a beat, the nurse next to me takes one of her hands off the ambu bag she was using to ventilate Sara and quickly places my hands back on her chest.
"Ma'am, keep going until another nurse can relieve you! You are doing the compressions properly. I know it's beyond freaky, but don't stop! Broken ribs are better than a still heart!"
Despite the nurse's encouraging words, I find myself not pressing as hard for the first few compressions until another person yells at me to press harder and go faster.
This is nothing like how it feels when they teach you on those first aid dummies...this is way, way worse...not even counting the fact that this is my soul mate...this is going to haunt my dreams for a long time to come...
With all of the medical personnel in the room running around and barking orders at each other, I can't help but wonder why they are actually allowing me to do this. At first I just reacted on instinct to try to help as fast as possible, but now I would much rather someone with more experience to be doing this.
To say I'm scared shitless is a massive understatement!
Even though it has only been a minute or two, I'm already panting from exertion and my arms are beginning to protest. The lactic acid is burning my strained muscles and if it wasn't literally a matter of life and death, I would have to concede and give my arms a break...it is that taxing. The base of my hands are throbbing and the pain is shooting up to my shoulders and across my clavicle. Despite my best efforts to keep my elbows locked and straight, they feel like rubber.
The absolute worst of all is the cracking and grinding sensation under my hands from my love's ribs with every compression. Until the day I die, I don't think I'll ever forget this feeling. I don't think I'll ever be able to crack my fingers again either...I never want to hear this sound again!
Tears are flowing freely down my face and landing on Sara's now exposed chest. I can't believe this is happening...I can't lose her again...she's all I have left!
"Okay Catherine, take your hands off her!"
At the sound of the Doctor's voice I jump back before his words even register in my brain.
I was so lost in thought, that I hadn't noticed them preparing the paddles to shock her. I never wanted to see those things again...
When the machine beeps its readiness, the doctor places the paddles on her chest and I shoot up a quick prayer to God not to take her from me yet as I hold my breath.
"Clear!"
The electrical shock is sent to her heart and Sara's entire body jerks in response. All eyes are glued on the small screen and it feels like time itself stops until the comforting mechanical beeping echoes off the walls.
Her heart is once again beating on its own!
Before I even have time to relish in the mechanical representation of her heart, chaos once again fills the room as they inject medications and whisk her up onto a stretcher and practically run her out of the room.
"You did amazing Catherine! You just helped save her life!" An older nurse says as she helps me off the floor. "I'm so sorry you had to experience that though. No one should have to see their loved one like that..."
I know I must be in shock, because I feel myself just nodding in response as she gently leads my out the door.
It's not until I see Elizabeth jogging around the corner towards me, gesturing confused at the nurse holding me, that everything finally hits me.
As the familiar nurse grabs me in a protective embrace, my mind and body give in, and I drop to my knees.
Please God help us!
A/N the second: I would just like to mention that I know non-medical personnel would never be allowed to participate in a real trauma...I'm totally taking advantage of creative license here. I apologize if it distracted too much from realism; I just really wanted that extra shot of drama. Performing CPR is traumatic and stressful on so many levels...I'm still plagued with the occasional nightmare from past experiences. Being a nurse is nothing like they show on TV! Anyways, thanks again for reading and take care everyone!