Disclaimer: This piece is a sequel to my first story "To fall below adversity" so I suggest if you haven't already, to read that one first. Further warning, this is also going to be angsty and somewhat dark and depressing story at times; like my first one. I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, I'm just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. If this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional! I have taken liberties to make this interesting and keep it flowing, so not everything is going to be 100% realistic and true to life.
A/N: Okay, I think I have one last chapter left in me before I finally put this thing to rest. I'm so sorry this took so long and that it wasn't up to par. Thanks so much for those of you that have stuck with me. Thank you to those who alerted or left feedback. I sincerely appreciated the extra effort. I hope everyone is well. Thanks and take care everyone.
Sitting in yet another ICU room with nothing but the various machines breaking the tension filled silence, Catherine can't help but smile.
If someone were to walk by and glance in on her, they would probably think she's being horribly inappropriate; sitting next to her love that is critically ill with a grin and giggle escaping her lips.
But they would be so wrong on many levels.
For starters, Catherine can smile all she wants because today the medical team have started to decrease Sara's medications to take her out of the medically induced coma; since her body is finally showing signs of recovery.
And second, people wouldn't get the inside joke anyways. Only Catherine, Lindsay and Sara would find the combination of the ventilator sounding like Darth Vader's whooshing breathing and the cardiac monitor sounding like smoke detector's battery funny.
All they need now is a cat.
After wiping a tear from her face, Catherine stands up and places a chaste kiss on Sara's forehead before taking her seat and resuming her tight hold on Sara's limp hand.
After literally dying in Catherine's arms all those weeks ago, the medical team determined that she had contracted a viral infection that had caused fluid build-up in the sack that surrounds her heart as well as in her lungs. She was effectively drowning and if it wasn't for the quick response, she would be dead. Luckily, her cracked rib had not created any additional damage and is healing well on its own. To say it was touch and go is an understatement.
Although she remains intubated, the chest tubes had been removed a couple of weeks ago after several rounds of antibiotics cleared up the pneumonia and pericarditis. Given her other comorbidities plus the added strains from withdrawal, complications arose and damage had been done.
Sara had pushed her body to the limit and no longer able to cope, it had failed on several occasions. It scares Catherine to death that she can't even count on two hands, the number of times Sara's heart has stopped beating.
Tears from the happy memory are suddenly replaced by the anguish filled tears that consumed her the night she thought she had lost her love for good.
Well, she had lost her...for several minutes in fact.
It was one of those nights that in retrospect, she had wished she had followed her gut...although, perhaps it was meant to be.
It was a night in which Catherine was feeling weak and exhausted beyond belief. The guys had just left for the night themselves and one of the nurses had convinced Catherine to go home to try to get a proper sleep in her own bed; and they would call if anything changed.
That phone call still haunts her nightmares to this day.
/
-break-
/
Elizabeth
As I stare up at the clock willing the time to go by faster I can hear commotion down the hall before the all too familiar code blue alarm breaks the otherwise silent night.
I quickly glance at my patients and seeing that they are stable and I have already finished my paperwork, I slowly get up to see if my co-workers could use my assistance. I know the team that is working tonight and know they are more than capable, but a little extra help never hurts. Plus, if there are too many cooks in the kitchen, they won't hesitate to kick me out.
Rounding the corner and taking in the scene of organized chaos, I don't even notice the room number until the familiar flash of brown hair catches my eye and I momentarily freeze in my tracks.
My friend and one time patient, Sara Sidle is in full code with Marcus and Cecile frantically performing CPR.
"Charge again...come on Sara...clear!"
"Nothing. Still V-fib. Continue CPR and charge again..."
I find myself swallowing several times before I can finally find my voice and snap back into action.
"Marcus, you guys need help? Where's Catherine? Did anyone inform her?" I rush out in one breath.
Not looking up at me while the paddles charge and slightly out of breath himself, Marcus gestures for me to enter before answering.
"No, not yet...we'll get her back Liz. Cath looked exhausted, let her rest...we can tell her in the morning...clear!"
Throwing her hands up and taking a step back for the impending shock; Cecile quickly catches my eye before looking up at the ceiling.
"Actually, I called her already...she's on the way. I felt guilty because I was the one to convince her to go home. She looked really stable at the beginning of the shift...it was only half an hour ago things started to go sour...and now..."
"Shit...epi is already in right? Push vasopressin and charge again...come on Sara, you're starting to worry me...don't do this!" Marcus quickly orders and Cecile immediately complies as I put on gloves to help their efforts.
"Liz, you should have seen her...it was heartbreakingly beautiful." Cecile begins to say before stepping back again as Marcus prepares Sara for another shock. "When Catherine reluctantly agreed to leave, she kissed Sara's head and whispered how much she loves her and that she's not leaving her and like it or not, Sara was stuck with her for the long haul."
"Clear!"
"They are truly in love...it's just not fair...it's..." Cecile begins before an ominous droning alarm fills the room.
All eyes glue themselves to the monitor and we are all rendered speechless with our mouths slightly open in shock.
"Asystole..."
"No...no...you can't do this...no! Cecile keep going with CPR! Liz get me atropine and epi...we may not be able to shock a flatline, but if we can push more intracardiac Meds maybe we can get something back to shock!" Marcus yells before looking back at my motionless form.
"Elizabeth!"
Seeing his intense glare I quickly draw up the cardiac medications and watch as he expertly jabs them directly into Sara's still heart.
Cecile valiantly continues her rapid chest compressions even as tears fill her eyes and I uselessly find myself staring in shock before taking a tentative step backward.
Despite their best efforts, the monitors aren't showing any change and I find myself blinking away tears before clearing my throat and attempting to speak what I'm sure we are all thinking.
"Marcus...I...she..." I pause desperately trying to find the right words. "Is it really fair to Sara to keep this going?"
Marcus glances once again at the monitor before looking up at Cecile, then back at me.
"Cecile, Catherine should be here shortly...would you mind bringing her in here when she arrives?" He says as Cecile slows her motions before stopping and slowly nodding her reply. "Elizabeth, would you mind continuing CPR...I'll call it after Cath has the chance to say goodbye."
We all stand still silently before Marcus whips his stethoscope off his neck and violently hurls it across the room.
"Shit!...Fuck!" Marcus shouts and punches the side of the bed as his stethoscope ricochets off the wall and takes a few pieces of equipment with it on its fall.
Both Cecile and I jump slightly at the harsh noise, but don't comment as we follow his wishes.
I don't condemn his reaction at all. So many people have been involved in the care of both Sara and Catherine on several different occasions that it is damn near impossible not to take it personally.
I myself would probably have a similar reaction...but I think I'm still in shock.
Hell, I know I'm still in shock...this is too much to comprehend...and I'm a Freaking critical care nurse who sees this Shit every day and knows how unstable Sara is...was...
...oh God...
Marcus runs his hand over his face and pinches the bridge of his nose; trying desperately to maintain his composure. He silently watches me step up and begin compressions before closing his eyes as Catherine's soft voice reaches our ears from down the hall.
"...so coded as in V-fib? I knew I couldn't trust Sara to be left alone...she's the same way at home...always gotta keep one eye on her...never know what she'll get into." Catherine says with a nervous laugh to try to lighten the tension she can probably feel radiating off Cecile.
Her nervous, awkward banter slowly fades away as she steps in the room and takes in our devastated expressions.
"...oh..." Catherine mutters barely over a whisper as she looks up at us, the monitor and then her love.
After all the time Catherine has spent surrounded by medical terminology and procedures she knows the difference between V-fib and asystole. Her expression alone sends a hot flow of tears down my face.
"Oh God...Sara..." Catherine whispers past her hand that is now covering her mouth.
"We wanted..." Marcus clears his throat as his voice cracks before trying again. "We wanted you to be able to say goodbye while her brain and heart were still receiving blood and oxygen." Marcus says while putting a supportive arm around Catherine's shoulders. "I am so, so sorry Catherine."
I desperately want to convey the same sentiments to our friend, but find I can't speak past the growing lump in my throat, so I continue my half-hearted attempt at CPR while watching Catherine through tear filled eyes.
I have never felt so utterly helpless...useless in all my life.
Catherine slowly approaches the bed as Cecile pulls up a chair for Catherine to sit in if she starts to sway. Catherine see's the chair but shakes her head slowly, opting to stand near the head of the bed.
She reaches slowly to touch Sara's hair before pulling back and placing her hand over her mouth while shaking her head.
I can see Cecile adjusting her stance so that she can catch Catherine if need be and I'm grateful at least one of us has enough presence of mind, because I think I'm useless right now.
Finding resolve from only God knows where, Catherine leans closer once again and runs her hand over Sara's hair before kissing the side of her face.
Still leaning close to Sara's ear, Catherine places her left hand over my hands as I continue chest compressions while gently placing her right hand on Sara's forehead.
"Sara...my love...I know you can hear me. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. Jim loves you like a daughter and Gil, Nick, Warrick and Greg love you unconditionally. We are all so proud of you." She takes a deep shaky breath before continuing. "I promised you wouldn't die alone...and you didn't. You're surrounded by people that care and love you."
She looks up at us before letting out a heart-breaking laugh/sob before resuming her gaze on Sara's still face. Her red hair bounces slightly from side to side due to the force of my compressions on her love's chest.
"Look at all the staff here...you touched their lives. Even in a hospital this big, you managed to get into the hearts of the doctor's and nurse's...you are that special."
The various sobs and sniffles that follow serve as credence to her words.
"Look after Lindsay for me and try...or at least try to try to stay out of trouble you two." Catherine says through thick emotion while glancing up towards the heavens. "I'll see you both again soon, but I will honour my promise. I will be hard, but I'll be okay. The team will help me. Please watch over all of us."
Catherine is putting up a brave front, but her posture and eyes tell the whole story. If I didn't know better I would say that she almost looks worse than Sara.
I hate the cliché saying that people who have passed away look like they are sleeping. Although Sara looks peaceful, she doesn't look like she is sleeping. Even when people are near death, there is almost a hum of energy...an aura about them that still ties them to the land of the living. When a person dies there is a swollen, heavy look...especially in the face and eyes; it doesn't look like sleeping.
Catherine releases a deep, shaky sigh before removing her hands and taking a half step backward. Her hands are shaking so bad, I hope she's decided to take a seat. She looks like she's about to pass out. I should have told Cecile to call Mr. Jim Brass as well...Catherine shouldn't have to face this alone.
Shaking her head and running her hand down her face, Catherine tries in vain to stem the flow of tears.
She releases a hiccup sob and bites down on her lower lip before once again approaching the bed and leaning down once again toward Sara's head. Her eyes slowly take in Sara's features as if she's trying to memorize them and the sorrowful expression she holds just about breaks my remaining resolve not to completely lose it myself.
"Sara... I love you so much." She pauses to take a deep breath and places her hand on Sara's forehead, caressing it softly. "It's okay...you can go now. You don't have to fight any more if you're too tired."
Despite her best efforts, Catherine releases a sob as her voice rises in pitch and becomes a shaky squeak. Her tears fall freely onto Sara's pale face.
"It's okay Sara; you can rest and finally feel at peace. I love you now and forever...I love you..."
After giving Sara permission to let go, Catherine allows herself to do the same and releases devastating wails of agony as she buries her face in Sara's neck.
After several moments, and with all occupants in the room in tears, I feel Catherine's hand find mine as she gently, but firmly stops me from continuing CPR.
For a second I find myself frozen in time and I numbly look at her hand on mine. I can't believe this just happened. It was a relatively slow night and my patients were stable...I just so happened to have time to lend a hand to my colleagues during a code and now I'm witnessing my friend die.
Sometimes I really regret becoming a nurse; this is just too emotionally draining.
I look up just in time to see Catherine sway ever so slightly to the left, so I snap back into nurse mode and jog around the bed towards her.
As I approach, Catherine shakes her head and bites her lower lip while backing up towards the wall. Once her back connects with the solid structure, she slides herself down into a sitting position and buries her head in her knees and cries.
Anxiously, I look toward Cecile who has her head down crying and then to Marcus; none of us really know what to say or do. What Catherine said was so true; Sara touched all of our lives...she wasn't 'just another patient'...we will all grieve her loss for some time to come.
But now isn't the time. I don't regret becoming a nurse. Moments like this are why I chose this profession.
I slowly make my way towards Catherine and move the forgotten chair out of the way before kneeling down next to her. I want to respect her space, but let her know she has a shoulder to cry on when she's ready.
I'm trying my best to act calm, cool and professional for Catherine's sake; but my own heart is breaking as the shock fades and reality sets in. This once strong CSI family has had tragedy after tragedy thrown at them...I can't see how they are going to get through this one.
It's just not fair!
I place a tentative hand on Catherine's knee as I notice Marcus approach Sara's body; giving her one last sorrowful, apologetic look before moving to turn off the monitors and disconnect the vent.
As he slowly reaches the monitor, I can see him pause and stare at it intently and I find myself shaking my head in response.
He quickly looks down to me and then Cecile with renewed hope in his eyes and I instinctively move to hold Catherine a little tighter. As much as I would give anything for Sara to survive, I know she's gone and any other heroic efforts would just cause more distress to an already destroyed Catherine.
Making eye contact with Marcus I shake my head again and he intensely tilts his to the side, opening his eyes wide in response. Seeing my uselessness at the moment he turns to Cecile who is oblivious to our silent conversation; still lost in her own grief.
"Cecile, come here please!" Marcus says while staring at the screen then Sara's chest. "Look...do you see a quiver there?" He says while pointing at the screen. "It could be V-fib...get me lidocaine and charge the paddles...it can't hurt." Marcus begins CPR once again while Cecile prepares the medication.
I both feel and hear the new round of sobs overtake Catherine's body and I reach my arms around her trembling body. Her face remains buried in her knees, but she can hear the renewed commotion in the room. Her reaction disproves Marcus' notion of 'can't hurt'...but still...what if that was V-fib...
"Clear!"
The electrical crack followed by the heavier thump causes Catherine's body to jump in response and she finally leans into my supportive embrace. I'm actually starting to get more concerned for her health than Sara's. She's hyperventilating and shaking so bad through her sobs that I fear for her already strained heart.
"V-fib. Okay...one more round...come on Sara! Let's try magnesium sulfate and charge again."
"Clear!"
All sound ceases except for Catherine's cries, so I take my eyes off the broken red head to look up at both Marcus and Cecile frozen with their mouths slightly open in shock.
They actually got her back...she has a pulse.
"Okay, let's get her blood pressure back up and stabilize her before I order any other tests." Marcus says quickly snapping back into action as a few more staff enter the fray.
He retrieves his stethoscope from the mess on the floor, looking sheepish, before approaching Catherine and I. Although she still hasn't looked up yet, when she heard her love was once again amongst the land of the living, she threw herself deeper in my embrace and impossibly began to cry even harder.
Kneeling down to our level himself, Marcus looks gently at Catherine before turning his concerned glance to me.
"Catherine." I begin as she curls deeper in my arms. "Catherine, I think we should give you something to help you calm down love. Your heart is pounding and you're going into shock. We will call Jim and Gil and I'll stay with you until they get here okay?"
A slight nod in my arms is my only response so I look up to Marcus who nods himself before leaving.
"Is it okay for Marcus to give you a medication to help calm down?" I ask again to make sure she heard and understood all of what she had nodded her consent to before.
Another slow nod and sob emanates from the shaking lump in my arms, so I gently rub her hair and kiss the top of her head.
"I'm so, so sorry Catherine. I'm so sorry you've had to experience all of this. Both you and Sara are the strongest people I have ever had the honour of knowing." I mumble into her hair before looking up.
Seeing several staff members working on Sara and seeing the numbers slowly climb to acceptable levels I release a deep breath and close my eyes.
This is a day I will never forget.
"Everything...everything is going to be okay." I softly say as my voice begins to crack with emotion.
I'm not sure who I said that for...for all of us I suppose. We could all use a major therapy session right now.
I tighten my hold on Catherine and kiss the top of her head once more as we wait for the next round of whatever is yet to come. For now, we will just sit here and support each other.
This is why I am a nurse.
/
-break-
/
Catherine pulls her chair even closer to the bed and tightens her hold on Sara. She rubs the back of her hand and takes note of its soft, warm, pink appearance.
Sara is alive. She is still alive and fighting.
Putting the bed rail down, she adjusts the bed until they are level with each other. Catherine glances at the monitor one more time and smiles at the strong readings before leaning over the bed and gently placing her head on Sara's chest.
She closes her eyes and allows Sara's strong heartbeat to lull her into sleep.
Sara had pushed her body to the limit and no longer able to cope, it had failed on several occasions. The question now, is what state will she be able to get back to; both physically and mentally.