Everything was calm. Flat. Even. She remembered everything, was aware of the consequences of her actions, even knew that what she'd done was wrong according to every belief she'd ever held. It simply didn't matter. It was as if her life until this very moment had been a movie, some dull B-horror flick on late night television, worthy of little attention or reaction.
God, it was good. She was fearless. Strong. Untouchable. For the first time in years, she was safe. She'd had her fair share of physical wounds since being plunged into the supernatural underbelly of Mystic Falls, but the blows which had left the most damage the most were the ones that struck her soul. It was as if she'd grown a thick, chitinous suit of armor inside and out, separating her from the wounds of the past as surely as it protected her from new injuries.
Damon unlocked the manacles and she rose. There were tears on her cheeks. She scoured them away with the back of one hand. The door to the cell creaked open and Damon led the way out, back as straight as a ramrod. He didn't turn to look at her, didn't ask if she was all right, just stared straight ahead.
Good. They'd wasted too much time already. "How long has it been since Bonnie died?" Elena asked, stretching the kinks from her stiff limbs.
"Three days. Probably went a little overboard on the vervain, but I'm more used to dealing with Originals than baby vampires," he said with a shrug, obviously going for breezy and casual. But his words were clipped, the ends of the words bitten off in harsh consonants.
"Have you told the others about Bonnie?" Now that she could function again, wasn't a prostrate and pathetic ball of grief, she had to go back to looking at the big picture. They had to find the stake. They had to kill Klaus. They had to stay alive. Those were the only things that really mattered. And to accomplish all that, they were all going to have to work together.
"Stefan knows. I don't think he's told the others, but I'm not sure. I've been with you most of the time, except for..." he paused, glancing back at her uncertainly.
"You were with me except for when you buried Bonnie," Elena finished. Next to her grams, he'd said. "Thank you, for that. That's where she would have wanted to be."
A nod, the movement stiff and uncomfortable. A mirthless jester's smile."Happy to be of service." He stopped in front of the chest freezer, pulling out a pair of blood bags. "I do know there's no progress on the great stake clusterfuck. Ric's alter ego hasn't been cooperating, believe it or not." He lobbed a blood bag her way. "Always good to know that instant death is still on the table."
Elena caught the bag. Damon started up the stairs and she followed, eyes still fixed on the blood. Three days. She'd scarcely eaten in three days (Except for Bonnie's blood, rich and warm and dripping with magic, a voice whispered from the bottom of the well. She cut the thought off sharply). She struggled with the unfamiliar tubing at the top of the bag. "This is worse than a Capri Sun," she muttered as they walked into the living room.
Damon swapped his already-open bag for her stubbornly sealed one, smirking. "You'll get the hang of it."
Elena gulped down the blood, snakes writhing beneath the skin of her face. She embraced the sensation, craving it like a blind man craved sight. In the absence of emotion, physical feeling would do. It was easy. It was comfortable. It didn't require her tears or her guilt or her repentance. She let her eyes drift closed, losing herself in the pleasure of the blood, the way it heated her body, made her limbs hum with power and drove the last vervain clouds from her head. All too soon, the bag was empty.
The warmth of the blood began to fade, veins withdrawing from her cheeks. She sighed and opened her eyes. Damon's eyes were heavy upon her, his bag untouched. Elena had seen that look on his face only once before: the night they'd opened the tomb and Katherine was nowhere to be found. He looked as if all the light in the world had suddenly been extinguished, empty and aching.
That look meant nothing to her.
She could distinctly remember every instant they'd spent together, could enumerate the reasons she loved him in great detail. But no matter how hard she tried (though she didn't try very hard) she couldn't remember what it felt like to love him.
Elena canted her head to one side. "You knew what would happen if I turned it off. You knew everything would disappear—the good and the bad. You knew I wouldn't be able to love you." Damon inclined his head. "But you told me to turn it off anyway. Why?"
"I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let it happen again." His voice was full of gravel; his eyes were full of stars. "I couldn't watch someone else I love fall apart."
"But it hurts you. I can see that, it just...doesn't matter." She shrugged. He flinched. "Why don't you turn it off, too?"
"Don't fucking tempt me, Elena." He raked his hands through his hair, storming a few steps away. His shoulders heaved as he swallowed useless gulps of air. After a moment, he turned and stalked back toward her, that mask of callous indifference he wore so well back in place, though his eyes still shone too brightly. "Someone has to be here to make sure you come back. That's why I can't turn it off." He extended his hand to her, as if to stroke her cheek, but then stopped, arm swinging back to his side. "I've been where you are. I know you can still remember what it means to love, even if you can't quite pull it off. I know you'll come back to me when you can."
Perhaps. But this weightless, emotionless state was so easy. Nothing hurt. Nothing could penetrate that armor; nothing could hurt her. Wasn't that what she'd prayed for all these years as she'd lost one loved one after another, just for the pain to stop? And it finally had. Maybe it was worth losing love. "And if I don't?" she asked.
Damon smiled, tight and forced. "I can be very persuasive. Now go get cleaned up; powow at Ric's in an hour."
Ric greeted them at the door of the loft. He'd aged years in a matter of days, his face thin and pale, dark shadows carved under his eyes. "It's good to see you," Ric said. His frown deepened as he looked at Elena. "You look...different. Everything okay? You're okay?" He gestured vaguely to his forehead, just where the door had struck her on that night a lifetime ago.
"I'm fine," she said, forcing a smile, trying to remember the way she was supposed to look, the way she was supposed to react. "It was just a bump on the head, Ric. Nothing serious," she reassured him.
"You've got bigger things to worry about than us. How's Mr. Hyde?" Damon asked.
"Didn't say I was worried about you, dick," Ric said, a ghost of his old self rising up before vanishing. "Come on in, everyone's waiting."
There were so few of them now, with Jeremy and Tyler and Bonnie gone. Just a handful of fighters left: Damon, cool and smirky. Stefan, the furrowed brow back in full force. Ric, sinking onto the sofa and picking up his drink. Caroline, all nervous smiles, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And Matt, wary energy bundled under a placid exterior. They were all waiting for her to speak.
Elena had spent the last hour trying to determine the best way to tell them. After all, she still had to work with all of them, and one day if she turned the switch back on, she'd have to work on rebuilding the relationships she'd broken. If it was even possible for them to forgive her. Maybe they wouldn't. A little spring of something very like fear bubbled up from the depths of the well inside her, but she squashed it mercilessly. There were too many bridges to cross before she could worry about that; they might all wind up dead anyway. She'd apologize to the survivors.
"Has anyone seen Bonnie? She hasn't responded to my texts in a while," Matt said, his anxious voice slicing through the silence. "That's not like her."
"Same here," Caroline said. "I think maybe she's just dealing with stuff. You know, Abby and Klaus and everything. Probably needed to clear her head." Caroline nodded, as if her certainty could make the words true. "I've been trying to give her some room, but this is getting crazy. I'll stop by her house when we're done here."
At least Elena could save her the trip. She'd determined that quick like a Band-Aid was the best way to do this. Start at the beginning, rip the bandage off, let the pain come, and then they could all move on. Everyone was looking at her. It was time.
"There's no good way of saying this." She took a deep breath. "I'm a-"
"You're a vampire," Caroline said. Matt sat up straight, his eyes wide. Ric buried his face in his hands. Damon and Elena exchanged looks as Caroline barreled on. "Your heart's not beating, you stink of blood, and I think we all knew how this story was going to end. It was just a matter of when." Her voice was firm, collected. "It's not what I would have chosen, but it's your life. Death. Whatever. Congratulations, I guess." She sat back with a little huff, arms folded across her chest.
"Elena?" Matt asked uncertainly. "Is it true?"
"Yes. It was my choice; Damon didn't know anything about it until it was too late." He didn't deserve blame for what had happened that night. Let them hate her. She could handle it now. "I wanted to tie myself to the bloodline. If we go down, I wanted to go down together. I'm not sorry I did it," she said, looking from face to face, daring them to speak. But no one did. Matt stared at his shoes, his hands clenched into fists at his side. Caroline met her gaze, lips pursed. Ric never looked up at all.
Damon cleared his throat. "Bonnie found out by accident, and to say she didn't take it well would be an understatement. She broke out the witchcraft bullshit and tried to kill us both. But I got to her first.".
Why was he protecting her? This was her crime, her guilt. It wasn't his to claim. She opened her mouth to argue, to disagree, but the silent plea on his face stopped her cold. He needed to bear this weight for her. For now, she would let him. But she'd find out why.
"Damon-" Stefan started, licking his lips as his eyes darting between Elena and his brother.
"No, Stefan. It's true and you know it. I killed her. Bonnie's dead," Damon said flatly.
The silence in the room was palpable, a living, breathing thing. Caroline was again the one to break it. "Bonnie wouldn't do that." Her voice cracked. "She wouldn't hurt Elena."
"True. Most of it was directed at me. Self defense, Blondie. No court would convict me for saving my own skin." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Now let's talk about the stake."
"Bonnie's dead and you want to talk about the stake?" Matt asked incredulously, his face florid. "I'm about ready to help Alaric find it, the way you're acting. What did you do with her? Dump her in some ditch like you did with Vicki, just throw her away like trash?" He stood in all his quarterback glory, as if he were actually going to rush Damon. In an instant, Elena was in front of him, blocking his path. She wasn't quite sure how it had happened, how she'd engaged her vampire speed, but that was a question for another time. Matt stumbled back a step.
"She's with her grams. Under the willow tree," she said softly. "He did the best he could for her. Better than I could have done." Deliberately, Elena inserted a quaver into her voice, let her lower lip tremble. "There was no other choice, Matt. You have to believe that."
Matt's pale blue eyes quivered. "And you're going to forgive him? You're just going to let him get away with killing someone else you love? Or now that you're one of them, do you think it's okay to murder people? She was your best friend, Elena. We should call Sheriff Forbes-"
"And she'd do what, exactly?" Ric asked, drawing his hands down his face. His eyes were empty, his voice distant. "Lock him up? Take him in front of a court and explain what he did? We're past the point where police have anything to do with Damon. Just like we're past that point with me."
"Ric's right," Stefan said, though his eyes remained fixed on his brother. "And so's Damon. If he and Elena say it's self defense, I believe them. It was no secret Bonnie hated vampires and hated Damon most of all. Elena turning was the straw that broke the camel's back." His gaze turned to Elena. "She was a good person. I'm sorry she died like that."
Was he challenging her? Accusing her? Elena didn't understand what Stefan was trying to say. It had been in defense; it just hadn't been Damon doing the defending. But she didn't need his approval. She knew what had happened. So did Bonnie, for that matter.
Caroline was crying, ugly, full-bodied sobbing. "Who's going to tell her dad?" she managed. "Who's going to tell Abby?"
"We tell her dad she went to live with Abby . Let's hope he's not on vervain. If Abby ever shows up again, we tell her to fuck off. Problem solved," Damon said. "
Elena watched the train wreck around her, fascinated. It was strangely beautiful to watch as they fell apart one by one—Caroline's tears, Ric's haunted gaze, Matt's defiant anger. It was as if they were speaking a foreign language; Elena could understand the words, but failed to grasp the overall meaning of what she saw and heard. Or maybe there wasn't any meaning at all, just nasty, brutish pain.
"I'm not just going to forget about her. You can go to hell," Matt said. The door slammed behind him.
Caroline sobbed. Ric rose and fixed himself a drink. Elena wondered how many he'd had already today, wondered if he'd fix one for her. "I'm sorry," Elena said. No one answered.
Stefan jerked his head toward the door. Elena and Damon followed him into the hall. "Look, they need time-"
"We're already on borrowed time." Damon interrupted. "It's a fucking miracle Klaus isn't playing your ribcage like a xylophone right now."
"I know that," Stefan said. "But you just dropped two huge bombshells on them. You can't expect them to just jump up and follow your orders right away. And as long as we keep Ric under lock and key he can't kill any Originals, and we're the only other people who know what the stake can do. We're fine in the short term. I'll figure something out with Klaus. Search the boarding house again, Elena's house. Maybe there's something we've missed."
"Stefan's right," Elena said. Both men blinked at her in surprise. "They're hurting. I remember how it hurts." She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to chafe some warmth into her arms. It didn't help. "Tomorrow will be better. And the day after that, a little better still. Let's just go. We can't help them right now."
Stefan looked at Elena curiously. "Damon, give us a minute."
"No."
"Not your call. Go, Damon. I'll be out in a minute," Elena said. She wanted to hear what Stefan had to say, what he'd meant when his eyes lingered on her as he spoke of how good Bonnie was.
Damon opened his mouth to argue, but shut it abruptly. "Fine." He turned to go, but paused, looking back at Stefan. "You'll make sure Ric doesn't do anything stupid? Blondie, too?"
"Isn't that supposed to be her line?" Stefan asked, nodding at Elena. Damon snorted and left.
"Go ahead and say it," Elena ordered.
"I'm not judging you. Anyone would have turned it off in that situation. I know you didn't-" Stefan looked at the door. "I know you didn't want her to die."
"Was that it? Was that what you wanted to say?" she asked.
"No." He dropped his voice to the barest whisper, a murmur Elena had to strain to hear. "It won't go away. It'll be waiting there for you. And you'll let it back in one day. When you do? Don't let the guilt define you. You're more than this." He squeezed her shoulder and disappeared into Ric's apartment.
Elena walked into the sunshine, squinting in the light. As she walked across the parking lot toward the car, her phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen without much interest. A text from Jeremy.
"Elena, where are you? I've been calling you for days. I know I'm a little hard to get a hold of—been spending a lot of time with my dog and my buddy Kol—but I miss you. Call me."
In another one of those mindless flashes, she found herself in the passenger's seat next to Damon. "How fast can this thing go?" Elena asked.
"These days? About 110 miles per hour. Why?" Damon asked as he began to back out of the parking space.
"Good. We're in a hurry. We're going to Denver."