Scene 3. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.
NILES: Now, I know Sheldon is my only official "patient", so to speak, but I want you all to feel like you can talk to me. I'm comfortable with working in group therapy - in my practice in Seattle I used group quite a lot.
PENNY: And it worked?
NILES: Yes. People open up in a group. Except the solipsists, of course. Poor things just can't quite bring themselves to believe in that many other people existing at once.
PENNY: Solip...?
LEONARD: (stepping smoothly in between Penny and Niles) Solipsism. It's a fun little mental illness where you believe you're the only real thing in a world full of illusion. People call it the "Truman Show" condition.
HOWARD: (snorts) Yeah right. Like there's some unseen audience watching us right now.
SHELDON: Agreed. Patently absurd.
NILES: That's interesting, Sheldon. You don't think there's anything noteworthy about your life that would interest a watching audience?
SHELDON: Oh quite the contrary, my life is fascinating. I'm often envious of the quantum tunnelling viewers of the future able to view any moment in the past.
NILES: I'm sorry. You think people from the future are watching your every move?
SHELDON: No. Right now the Doctor Who marathon is starting. They'd have to be insane to be watching me while that particular smorgasbord for the imagination is on offer. Which reminds me. T minus 6 minutes. Unfortunately given the limited time available we shall have to forgo the bulk of the pre-show discussion I had prepared.
HOWARD: (shaking his fist heavenward) Curse you, unmerciful Lord!
SHELDON: (to Niles) That was sarcasm.
NILES: Thank you, Sheldon. My studies at Yale and Cambridge were entirely insufficient to identify that. Can I count on you to point out any subsequent instances of sarcasm from this point on, since my PhD in psychiatry falls woefully short?
There is a pause as Sheldon considers this.
SHELDON: ...that was sarcasm too.
NILES: Oh thank you. Please, do keep it coming.
Another pause.
SHELDON: ...and that.
HOWARD: Dear God. He's trapped in a time loop. Quickly, someone snap him out of it!
LEONARD: Colin Baker was the best Doctor!
Raj and Howard huddle together on the sofa, horrified. Leonard, realising what he's said, edges slowly behind Niles, who looks bemused to be used as a human shield. Sheldon is breathing very deeply, his face preturnaturally calm, his eyes fixed on Leonard.
PENNY: (rolling her eyes as she walks to her usual chair and flops down) Where's a tumbleweed rolling by when you need one?
SHELDON: Leonard-
NILES: I think what Leonard meant to say was..."bazinga"...?
SHELDON: (instantly calm) Ah! (he does his "nh-nh" version of a laugh) Good one Leonard. Like saying Engineering is the best of the sciences (we see Howard glower at him) shall we?
PENNY: (hugely impressed) Great save, Doc.
HOWARD: I'll say...! Last time I saw something defused as skilfully as that it was Richard Dean Anderson hotwiring a rogue nuke with a comb and a Q-tip.
NILES: Please. Call me Niles. Do you mind if I join you?
Sheldon has gone to the kitchen area for a moment. Leonard, still bristling from Penny's admiration for Niles, sees a perfect opportunity to strike. He beckons to Niles to sit down...in Sheldon's spot.
LEONARD: Not at all...Niles. Sit down, won't you?
NILES: (sits) Thank you.
He looks to his right. Raj and Howard are once again clinging together in terror. He takes this in.
NILES: (big, unthreatening smile) Like I said before. Feel free to come to me.
SHELDON: I commend you on your excellent choice of seat, Dr. Crane. As I began to suspect in your office, with you I sense a form of kinship. I like you. I look forward to venturing into what will no doubt be the fascinating inner recesses of my mind. The paper you'll write as a result will benefit not just you personally in terms of your career, but also mankind as a whole.
NILES: Thank you.
SHELDON: Now get up. You're in my spot.
Scene 4. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.
The kitchen area. From the sofa we hear the Doctor Who theme music. Leonard is idly washing dishes. Sheldon enters and begins browsing through cupboards. Leonard looks up, surprised to see him.
SHELDON: (making a disgusted face) Love & Monsters.
LEONARD: Ah.
SHELDON: Have the principles of emulsification changed without my knowledge somehow?
LEONARD: What? What are you talking about?
SHELDON: I ask because that's the fourth time tonight I've witnessed you wash that plate. Has some cosmic constant been modified and made dishes harder to clean?
LEONARD: Yeah, that's the reason I'm out here so much tonight. Cosmic soap constants have changed. It's the worst supervillain plan ever. Nothing to do with Penny and that shrink cosying up to one another in there.
Sheldon peers back in. From this angle, it looks like Penny has her head on Niles shoulder. What's actually happened is that (out of sight of Leonard) Penny has fallen asleep watching Doctor Who and slumped to the side.
SHELDON: Oh. (calls) Doctor Crane, more sarcasm!
NILES: (starting to lose his temper) Sheldon, as I've told you several times now, I was being sarcastic about asking to be kept informed!
Sheldon turns to Leonard, puzzled. He begins to open his mouth.
LEONARD: (sighs) No, he's not being sarcastic now either.
SHELDON: Is all human interaction this fraught?
LEONARD: (sighs again) ...y'know, actually...yes. Yes it is.
SHELDON: You're afraid Penny and Dr. Crane will engage in coitus once back in Penny's apartment? Is that it?
LEONARD: No! Well...I dunno. No, I guess. He's married. And he seems like a nice enough guy. I just...psychiatrists give me the creeps.
SHELDON: Your mother is a psychiatrist.
LEONARD: Sheldon, calling my Mom a psychiatrist is like calling your Mom an agnostic.
NILES: (entering the kitchen area) Your mother is a psychiatrist, Leonard? Perhaps I know her work.
LEONARD: Dr. Beverly Hofstadter?
Niles' face freezes in place like a mask. He steadies himself against a nearby countertop.
SHELDON: Well? Do you know her?
LEONARD: Either that or he's having a stroke. Don't worry, Doc. I recognise that reaction. It's kinda how my friends looked when I invited them over to my house to play Lego.
SHELDON: I wasn't aware you had Lego building skills, Leonard.
LEONARD: Believe me. I don't.
SHELDON: Oh. Back to persuading Wolowitz to construct me that Super Star Destroyer then.
NILES: I met your mother several times on the convention circuit, Leonard. She and my brother Frasier had...a little bit of a disagreement several years ago.
HOWARD: (entering the kitchen) Frasier? No way! You're Frasier Crane's brother?
NILES: (not entirely thrilled) Oh? You know Frasier?
HOWARD: Are you kidding? Couple of years back I was marooned in Chicago for that damn month-long seminar and his talk-radio show was what got me through those lonely nights. Well, most of the time, if you know what I'm sayin...!
SHELDON: No.
HOWARD: Alright, all the time. Happy?
SHELDON: Until the advent of the technological singularity I'd describe myself more as content than happy, but thank you for asking.
HOWARD: You know he's the top-rated show in the Chicago area?
NILES: Yes. I believe he may have mentioned it. And if I missed it, the sky-writer he hired to proclaim it over the skies of Seattle certainly rammed that particular point home.
HOWARD: I called in once. I'll never forget hearing his voice on the other end of the phone...(he puts on a 'Frasier' voice) "I'm listening…" (he sighs happily)
NILES: I see. And what sage advice did my megastar big brother offer you? What life-changing revelations did he provide?
HOWARD: Uh...well...actually when I called in I wasn't expecting to get on the air, and I'd kind of forgotten I still had pay-per-view cable on in the hotel room...(sucks in a long breath)...so what he mostly said was "FOR GODS SAKE MAN, TURN OFF THE PORN!".
NILES: Even when he's fearing for his broadcast licence, my brother brings the healing.
LEONARD: What did he and my Mom fight over?
NILES: Oh, he hosted a seminar entitled "healing through Children" in which he claimed that patients with children could be made to overcome their problems by seeing that, having procreated, they had given the world a truly precious and unique gift. And Dr. Hofstadter, your mother...(his eyes widen as he realises what he's about to say) well, she...
LEONARD: Yeah...?
NILES: ...uh...she...agreed with him completely.
LEONARD: Sure she did.
SHELDON: You know, I'm somewhat confused. If they agreed on the matter, how did a disagreement ensue?
NILES: She...thought he had left several hanging clauses in his opening speech.
SHELDON: Quite right. By the sounds of it, your brother may be a shallow, fame-seeking, psuedoscientific oversentimental buffoon, but there's no reason he can't be grammatical.
LEONARD: Can I help you all with something? Or is Love & Monsters such a bad episode we've all decided to play hide and seek in the kitchen? Isn't anyone watching?
They look out. In Niles' absence, Penny is now sound asleep slumped against Raj's shoulder. He's sitting on the sofa and, as we watch, a huge happy grin begins to break out on his face.