Scene 8. PENNY'S APARTMENT.
Niles, sitting on one end of Penny's couch, has just finished drinking from a glass. He sets the empty glass down beside him.
NILES: What was that called again?
PENNY: That was called your third whiskey.
NILES: It's foul. My tongue tastes as though there should be a chalk outline on it. (pause) Can I have another?
PENNY: Do you really think that's wise?
NILES: (sighs) You're right. It's just...over twenty years I've been in this profession, and I've never met anyone like him. I could diagnose him right now with at least fourteen separate disorders, and yet I get the feeling none of them really fit.
PENNY: (nods) He's Sheldon. Ever since I met him, he's occupied this little Sheldon-shaped space in the world.
NILES: (giggles) Little?
They laugh.
PENNY: So you've been to Sheldonia, huh?
NILES: Are you kidding? I got the guided tour. I'll tell you, if his career in theoretical physics does hit the skids, Sheldon could get a job doing Stephen King audiobooks. Talk about painting pictures with words...
PENNY: So where did I fit in? I was kinda hoping he'd cast me in the lead role in the one of the seventeen new Star Trek spinoffs he has planned. Did he tell you about those?
NILES: If he had, I wouldn't be asking for another drink.
PENNY: So?
NILES: I'm sorry, Penny. I can't break patient confidentiality.
PENNY: Oh. Didn't mention me, huh.
NILES: And that would bother you?
PENNY: No. (sighs) Oh, okay. You've met Sheldon. You've even been to Sheldonia.
NILES: Some parts of me will never leave Sheldonia.
PENNY: And right now you're probably thinking he's a mess. And a big stupid arrogant has-to-get-his-own-way jerk. And he is all of those things.
NILES: But he inspires maternal feelings in you.
PENNY: We're talking about a grown man who needs to be sung to when he's sick. Who would loan you money in a heartbeat and wouldn't care if you never paid him back. He's so smart...and yet he grows up in this really religious household. His Mom loves him to pieces, but he's baffled by her. He's not a bad guy...he's just...
NILES: ...Sheldon.
PENNY: Got it. But please, don't say things like "inspires maternal feelings". Only thing I'm gonna spawn is a bitchin' hangover.
NILES: You feel bad because sometimes you're not sure you matter to him. That if you moved away during the night and never came back, he wouldn't give it a moment's thought.
PENNY: Okay, I know you're a shrink, but that is just plain spooky. You psychic too?
NILES: No. My wife Daphne is.
PENNY: She and I would get on just great.
NILES: Yeah...even though to placate her I'm going to have to tell her you had a mole on your cheek the size of a disco ball.
They laugh.
NILES: You know something, Penny? I wasn't that different from Sheldon once upon a time.
PENNY: What changed?
NILES: I did. Sheldon may too. Or...being honest with you...he may not. He may never change. I think I've come up with a diagnosis for him.
PENNY: What?
NILES: Everything. He has every single disorder possible, all going on simultaneously. And somehow, working against one another, they've managed to produce a person who despite his little nuances and tics and flaws and idiosyncrasies, is surrounded by friends who care for him. He must be doing something right. And somehow I don't think that if you moved away, it wouldn't affect him. I think you matter to him more than you know.
PENNY: (dabbing at her eyes, speaking softly) Thank you. Daphne's a lucky gal.
NILES: And Leonard is a fortunate man.
Penny freezes. Niles simply raises an eyebrow. Penny groans and collapses into herself, before pouring another whiskey from the bottle and knocking it back.
PENNY: You're a wizard. You're a bad wizard. You're that Harry Potter bad wizard guy.
NILES: No idea. Sorry.
PENNY: You know you're the first smart guy I've met who wasn't a geek. What's with that?
NILES: Please. Talk to me about operas or fine wines and we'd be here for a week. I'd make those four across the hall look like star quarterbacks. Everyone is a geek about something, Penny. Leonard, I would guess, fits the classical definition: he adores science fiction, comic books. But that's not what intimidates you about him, is it?
PENNY: No. To tell you the truth - and I will KILL you if you repeat this - (she whispers) I'm starting to like Star Trek. (pause) Well, except Voyager. That just plain sucked.
NILES: Given time, he may come to feel the same way about shoes.
PENNY: You really think?
NILES: No. (he holds up his hands in apology) I'm sorry. But going back to my point. If you were shallow enough to care about perceptions and labels, you wouldn't be friends with Leonard, or Sheldon, or Howard, or Raj in the first place. He loves you.
PENNY: How do you know? How can you possibly know that after spending one night with us all?
NILES: Let me tell you something. When I first met Daphne, I considered myself to be in a happy marriage. And yet, the first time I saw her, I was captivated. I was entranced. And it wasn't because she was some kind of forbidden fruit. She was beautiful, yes - and still is - but it was more than beauty. I saw a pure soul in her, someone who could love without fear, someone who would make me feel giddy just with a smile. I saw that exact same expression on Leonard's face tonight when he looked at you. What he has isn't infatuation, Penny. He doesn't adore you because he thinks you're out of his league. He doesn't love you because he thinks he'll look good or score points with his genius friends with the pretty girl on his arm. He just loves you, plain and simple.
PENNY: He smells my hair sometimes when he thinks I can't see. And when he does it I always think-
NILES: How wonderfully romantic?
PENNY: "Ew, creepy!"
NILES: (deflates) Yes, well. Perhaps he's merely checking for scalp problems.
PENNY: (sighs) You're right. I guess you're not telling me anything I didn't already know.
NILES: Just be glad I'm not on the clock, in that case.
PENNY: Leonard is wonderful. That's the problem, don't you see? I'm not wonderful. He loves me completely and I feel like I love him too. But I feel lots of things. I feel dizzy when I have to add up people's orders at work. There are some drool issues when I go clothes shopping and I see a dress I gotta have. I'm an airhead. What if we get together again and I wind up breaking his heart? It'd be more than I could take.
NILES: So in the end, as it always does when we are faced with the opportunity for personal growth, it comes down to whether we have the courage to seize it.
PENNY: Yeah, well. Swing and a miss, Doc. Sorry. I'm going to bed.
NILES: Penny, wait. Before you go. Picture this. It's your wedding day. The one you've dreamed of since you were a little girl. Your husband-to-be is rich, successful, and he adores you.
PENNY: That's it. I'm getting a tinfoil hat.
NILES: With your wedding dress on, you turn away from the aisle and the comfortable life mapped out in front of you, and you run into a Winnebago. Inside, there sits a man, himself just married to the wrong girl. You tell him you love him, and that you don't care what people think. You kiss him and together you drive away into the unknown.
PENNY: Why are you telling me this?
NILES: Because it sounds romantic, and at the time it was, but afterward Daphne and I left a lot of devastated people in our wake. My wife. Her husband-to-be. Do you really want to leave it that late before you come to your senses?
PENNY: Goodnight, Dr. Crane.
NILES: Goodnight, Penny.