Scene 9. COMPLETE BLACKNESS.

NILES: (voice-over) Selective mutism is a fascinating condition, Mr. Koothrappali. The origin can come from any one of several areas, but at its root, the disorder is always based on one causal factor.

RAJ: (voice-over) (hopefully) Radiation?

NILES: I'm sorry?

RAJ: Well, I do work in a science building. I've been close to a lot of experiments. Many involving radiation of some kind.

NILES: And how exactly would exposure to radiation cause you to be unable to talk when you're near women?

RAJ: It's like my Kryptonite. With great power, comes embarrassing social weakness.

NILES: So if being unable to talk to women is the Kryptonite weakness that came with your super powers, what exactly are your super powers?

Silence.

RAJ: Okay. We've ruled out radiation.

NILES: Perhaps in the literal sense. But on observing you, even in the short time I've had, I've come to realise that in your eyes, women - particularly those you deem attractive - emit a kind of radiation. Let's call it...sex-rays.

"Our" eyes open. We find ourselves looking at Niles. We pull out so we can see Raj, staring at Niles in awe.

RAJ: Dude. Sex-rays? That. Is. Awesome.

Niles holds up a hand, a slight tic on his face betraying his amusement.

NILES: Okay. So let's talk about this in a language you're comfortable with. You're Rajesh Koothrappali, mild-mannered astrophysicist. But by night...you are...The Maharajah!

RAJ: YES! (pause) Wait. What are my powers, dude?

NILES: Ah, but there's the rub. The Maharajah has never had the chance to show the world his powers, because his weakness for sex-rays keeps him hidden. You might say he's Koothrappali'd up inside you.

Niles chuckles at this joke. Raj remains stony-faced.

RAJ: Seriously. Flight, telekenesis, heat vision, what?

NILES: (ignoring this) I'm going to try a little bit of suggestion therapy with you. Ordinarily I'd hesitate, but I don't have much time and I think making progress with your mutism will assist in healing the group, which will in turn calm Sheldon, which will please the Dean, which will get me home before my wife divorces me.

RAJ: What's my costume? I mean, a Hindu superhero? Not exactly going to blend into the shadows, am I? I'll be visible from space.

NILES: (sighs, rubbing his eyes) Mr. Koothrappali-

RAJ: And I don't want to only get called for when all the Western heroes are off doing something better and they think they can call the Maharajah in and he'll do it for cheaper.

NILES: Can we get back to-

RAJ: (bitterly) I can just imagine turning up to save the day somewhere. "Oh, where's Batman?" "Batman's busy, Commissioner." "Oh well I usually talk to Batman, he understands Gotham's needs."

We quickly cut to the living area of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. Raj is quiet as a lamb.

NILES: Thank you for coming over, Penny.

PENNY: No problem.

NILES: With Penny's help, we're going to try to turn off those sex-rays.

Penny looks across at Niles, raising her eyebrow. She looks over at Raj, who, wide-eyed, can't meet her gaze. Niles, seeing her look, starts to try to explain.

NILES: We-

PENNY: Don't wanna know. Just do it.

We go inside Raj's mind. In the same corner that Sheldon had his "countdown to bowl movement" clock, Raj has an old-fashioned circular needle-dial with a green, yellow and red zone above which is written "sex-ray counter". At the moment the needle is hovering between the border of yellow and red.

Niles comes into view. His face is huge. He stares deeply at us.

NILES: I'm going to put you into a trance-like state, Raj. I'm anticipating this may be difficult. Given your exceptional intelligence, you may be extremely resistant to suggestion.

RAJ: Yes. I may be extremely resistant to suggestion.

Niles frowns, then shakes his head.

NILES: I want you to picture me as a figure of complete and total authority, whose word you will accept, without question, as law. Can you do that for me?

RAJ: Yes.

We come out from inside Raj's mind and go to Penny instead, who is watching proceedings with a faintly sceptical air.

PENNY: Is this really going to work?

We stay close on Penny's face, and then we hear a noise. It sounds like this: "oohhhhhhh-pennnnn". A few seconds later, we hear it again. Curiously, neither Penny nor Niles seems to comment on it.

We go back inside Raj's head. Right in front of him, where there used to be Niles Crane, now sits the helmeted visage of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. The "ohhhhhh-pennnnn" noise is, of course, his regular mechanised breathing. When he speaks, it is with James Earl Jones' classic deep intonation.

VADER: Well, Mr. Koothrappali?

Raj, wide-eyed with terror, can only nod in assent. From our point of view, Darth Vader looks over at Penny. Penny shrugs, impressed. As we watch, Darth adjusts his seating on the chair and, finding a piece of fluff on his cape, fastidiously brushes it away, all the while continuing to breathe with that incredibly menacing "ohhhh-pennnn" rhythm.

VADER: Listen to me. You will no longer be reduced to a pathetic, snivelling little worm by the mere presence of women. Their sex-rays have no effect on you, do you understand?

RAJ: But my Lord...when I see a girl, I can't help think to myself, what does she look like naked? What are her boobies like? I have to stop myself from-

VADER: Stretching out with your feelings?

RAJ: But wanting to see boobies leads to dating. Dating leads to kissing. Kissing leads to boobies. Boobies leads to relationship. Relationship leads to marriage. Marriage leads to...(he pauses dramatically, then hisses)...suffering.

We cut away. Leonard, Sheldon and Howard are ascending the stairs to the apartment.

SHELDON: I don't see it as taking things too far at all. I'm just mentioning it as a contingency option should Dr. Crane fail to convince the Dean to get me my position back.

LEONARD: And you really don't think a hunger strike is maybe just stepping over the raggedy edge of sanity?

SHELDON: Absolutely not. History has demonstrated on many occasions that shock tactics like that can galvanise popular support and force tyrannical dictators to rethink.

LEONARD: Yes, but the traditional method Sheldon is for the wronged party to hunger strike. Not for them to ask their friends to do it for them.

SHELDON: Surely you don't expect me to risk malnourishment?

HOWARD: Personally I'd be taking issue over this popular support you mention.

SHELDON: Meaning?

HOWARD: Meaning...since you were banned from the campus we've started to see people around the place we haven't seen in years. The term "golden age" has been mentioned.

SHELDON: As so often, the true visionaries go unappreciated by the body politic. Galileo. Van Gogh. Only after their death do the hoi poloi realise what they've lost. That won't happen to me, I assure you of that.

LEONARD: You're going to try to stop alienating people?

SHELDON: I'm going to live forever. Leonard, perhaps as preparation for what might lie ahead, you should have an extra portion of noodles for lunch. Wolowitz, you can donate.

HOWARD: Aw, no. Does that mean I'm not gonna be on the "Free the Sheldon One" hunger strike?

SHELDON: Yes. On reflection, upon observing your interactions with females, your face doesn't seem to inspire pity.

They've reached their destination floor.

HOWARD: Oh God, I hope Niles can deliver the goods.

LEONARD: (as he unlocks the apartment door) I wouldn't count on it.

The three friends walk in. Penny is sitting with Raj on the couch. They're deep in conversation. Raj must have said something amusing, because Penny laughs and punches him on the shoulder playfully.

HOWARD: Oh God. It's 12:30 in the afternoon and Raj is drunk.

LEONARD: You can drive him home this time.

PENNY: Hey, guys! Got lunch?

RAJ: Yeah, I'm starved! All this jawing sure works up an appetite, eh Penn?

SHELDON: Curious. I don't see any evidence of alcohol.

LEONARD: No beer bottles. Hey Raj...apropos of nothing, how would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10?

RAJ: (shrugs) I'm just a regular dude, dude.

NILES: (emerging from the bathroom hallway) Ah! I see you've met the new Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali. Fully sober, and fully functional.

PENNY: It's true. He hasn't touched a drop. I know because he hasn't tried to touch...(she indicates herself)

RAJ: I'm sorry for how I behaved, Penny. I idealised you, and by doing so, I demeaned you at the same time. From here on in, I hope we can open a new chapter in our friendship. What do you say?

PENNY: Aw, honey. C'mere.

She hugs him. Niles looks on, beaming proudly. The boys look on in disbelief. Eventually the hug breaks.

LEONARD: Give me a hand splitting the takeout, Penny?

PENNY: Sure thing, hun.

She and Leonard retreat to the kitchen area. She catches Niles' eye as she goes. He nods, almost imperceptibly. Sheldon sits in his time-honoured "spot". Raj sits beside him. Howard looks down at Raj, still not quite believing what he just saw.

HOWARD: Okay, Raj. Spill. Was that just some elaborate plan to cop a feel, or what?

Raj doesn't answer. His eyes widen. He can't meet Howard's gaze. Howard frowns. He sits down beside Raj. Raj moves up away from Howard, eyes still wide, closer to Sheldon. Sheldon notices the incursion.

SHELDON: You're encroaching my spot. Move.

HOWARD: Raj? Did you hear me?

Raj, eyes still wide, turns his head as if to try to whisper in Sheldon's ear. Sheldon reacts with extreme disgust, jumping out of his spot.

SHELDON: Koothrappali! My position on the health risks inherent in sotto voce mouth-to-ear communication has been well documented! You may as well hand me a cellphone made of your own faeces!

LEONARD: What the hell's going on?

HOWARD: It's Raj. He...oh my God...

Now it's Howard's turn to jump off the couch, leaving just Raj sitting alone in the middle.

PENNY: Raj? What is it?

RAJ: Nothing...

NILES: (realising the awful truth) Ah.

SHELDON: (as he vigorously cleans his ear with a Q-tip) Fascinating.

LEONARD: You mean…(he struggles not to laugh)…that Howard…is the new Penny?

NILES: It appears my efforts to disassociate women from Raj's feelings of inadequacy were...a little too successful. Not to worry. Not to worry. I can fix it.

HOWARD: Please. Fix it.

NILES: Penny, can I borrow your apartment for an hour?

PENNY: (throwing him the keys) Sure.

He takes Raj by the hand. Raj follows sheepishly. Before they exit the apartment, however, Raj is pulled back and finds to his surprise that it's Penny.

PENNY: I have a feeling this might be the last time I talk to you sober for who knows how long. So I just wanted to say...it was nice, Raj. You're a complicated little guy, but you're worth it.

RAJ: Thank you.

She kisses him on the cheek and he and Niles exit the apartment. As she turns to go back to the takeout, Howard approaches Leonard and hands him his share of the order.

LEONARD: Lost your appetite, huh?

HOWARD: What do you think?