AN: So this took a little longer than I intended, sorry. I hope you like it!
"How nice of you to join us, Halstead."
"Sorry, Sir." I say, seating myself as far away from Erin as I possibly can.
It just so happens, that the seat I chose is the one right next to Ruzek. I swallow hard.
This morning, I was so focused on how bad I had screwed up, on what I had done and what I had ruined for myself, I didn't even-
"Jay? You hear me?", Hank raises his voice.
My head jerks up as I try to shake my thoughts. "Yeah. I mean, yes. Sir."
"Good. Go!", he orders before turning around and walking back into his office.
As we're walking down the steps, I can hear a taunting "You're late."
Of course Platt would give her a hard time.
"I'm sorry Serge, I just… overslept, you see, last ni-"
"Does this look like a tea party to you?", Platt stops her, motioning to the space between the two of them.
I am quite relieved, though it would have been interesting to hear what she had to say.
"Hey Detective Lindsay", Platt waves at us, meaning only Erin.
I have no idea why the desk sergeant is so struck by her, seeing as she usually detests people, but I absolutely understand it.
How do you not fall for her? I'm not just talking about her smile, which shows off those dimples of hers.
It goes a lot deeper than that. Her wit, her courage, her humor, her bossiness, her strength.
Her way of knowing what to say and when to say it. Her way of raising an eyebrow, implicating all sorts of things.
Just… her.
Erin gives me a questioning look as I get in the passenger seat.
"What's going on, Jay?" Her voice has so much kindness in it, maybe even love. Both of which I didn't deserve.
"Nothing." I say matter-of-factly, regretting it instantly and hoping she didn't catch the bitterness in my voice.
However, the way she looks at me, half puzzled - half hurt, tells me that she did. We stay silent for the entire drive and my mind wanders off.
Entering my apartment, I couldn't be bothered to take off neither my shoes nor my leather jacket.
I take a beer from the fridge and collapse onto my couch.
All day, she had been trying to talk to me, but I couldn't bring myself to look into the warmth of her hazel eyes.
I take a look around the room, wondering what might have gone down in here a little less than 24 hours ago.
A wave of disgust hits me. What did I do?
Honest answer? I have no idea. I woke up in nothing but my boxers, next to a woman that was not Erin Lindsay. The rest doesn't matter, does it?
It doesn't matter, that I can't be entirely sure what happened.
It doesn't matter, that I would never intentionally hurt Erin.
It doesn't matter, that I am not that kind of guy, or at least I haven't been in a very long time.
It doesn't matter, that I love her with everything I have.
None of it matters.
I hear it knocking on the front door. Without even realizing it, I manage to stand up and walk over to the door.
I stop abruptly, cursing myself. What if it's her?
"Jay, I can hear you in there.", her voice is raspy in between knocks. "I'm not leaving until you open the door."
Knowing there is nothing I could do to avoid this next part, I surrender and open the door.
Her hazel eyes find my blue and I can feel myself spiraling down.
"Going somewhere?", she asks, looking at my leather jacket before her eyes wander to my shoes.
"I… uh, no.", I say while wondering how a detective who goes undercover regularly could be so terrible at hiding things.
"Did I do something?", her voice sound shaky, maybe even insecure.
I can see it in her eyes, the pain, the hurt, the vulnerability.
I can't help but think back.
"Jay", she calls out. I turn back around, trying to brace myself for what I know will follow.
"I wish it was that easy… you know it's different for me." Right there, my heart breaks.
I close my eyes, just for a second, wishing we could go back to the night it all started.
This was not easy for her, and I knew that.
"I understand" But I didn't. "So we'll cool it." What a fancy way of saying 'we're breaking up'.
"But we'll always have each other's back." I reassure her, my hand still resting on her cheek.
"Always"
"Alright, that's good enough for now." But it wasn't.
"Jay?", her husky voice brings me back to the present.
"Wha-, no. It's all good. We're good." But we're not.
"Are you sure? Because you seemed distracted all day and in our line of wo-"
"I'm good. Promise.", I say, trying to give her my signature boyish grin, hoping she doesn't notice my obvious lie.
"Can I come in? I kind of wanted to talk to you." No.
"I'm sorry, my food's getting cold and I-", I turn around in a half-hearted attempt to find an excuse.
"Never mind.", she sighs under her breath. She's gone before I can fully turn back around again.
I fall back onto my couch and replay everything I can remember from the past 24 hours. This is torture.
I have no idea how much time had passed when I hear another knock on the door. Maybe if I just tell her… but tell her what?
That I probably slept with her best friend but I cannot, for the life of me, remember it?
That before this morning, I was one hundred percent sure I would never do something like this to her?
That I would never hurt her?
The knocking turns into a pounding and I decide to get up, trying to brace myself for what is to come.
As I open the door for the second time that night, my mind won't stop racing. This time I will tell her. I will be brutally honest and I will take the consequences.
I know I had ruined every chance I ever had of getting back together with the woman I loved, but that didn't justify lying to her.
My eyes grow wide as I open the door, her brown eyes not even bothering to look at me when she breaches in.
She comes to a halt in my living room, looking around for a split second before pacing back to me.
"What are you doing here?"
"We need to talk.", she states, lifting her arms and resting her hands on my shoulders.
This was not good. This could not happen.
"Listen, Kim, you can't be here.", I say, the increase of pressure applied to my shoulders letting me know that I don't have a choice.
AN: Let me know what you think! I hope I can find some time to write the next part this week. xx