CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Tris

When I left the simulation room after that completely humiliating fear sim that I was unlucky enough to have Tobias watch, I found myself heading to the Chasm. As soon as I realized where I was going, though, I turned around and walked the other way, trying to concentrate well enough to find someplace else to be alone. The Chasm is our place, Tobias and mine. I can't go there now. Eventually, I ended up at the net.

I lay there for hours, missing dinner entirely, trying to sort out my emotions and all the thoughts in my head- thoughts running through so fast that I could hardly comprehend them. Tobias has never given me any reason to doubt his feelings for me- quite the opposite. He has done nothing that should lead me to even consider that he would ever use me like that. And yet, somewhere deep inside me, I must still believe that I am not enough for him.

And why wouldn't I? Look at him! He's gorgeous. He's a Dauntless prodigy, a living legend. The man with only four fears. He could have any girl he wants, and I still can't understand why he would ever want me, of all people. I am not ugly but I'm certainly not pretty… though Tobias sometimes made me believe that maybe I am. I don't have all the soft curves that other girls have. And after everything I have been through, I feel like I am so weak, so broken. How could he love me? Furthermore, the intensity of my feelings for him certainly give the perfect opportunity for him to exploit them if he ever wanted to. I know Tobias well enough to be certain that he isn't like that, but sometimes the heart doesn't listen to the mind.

Besides that whole humiliating experience today, there is the disappointment over what Uriah overheard in Erudite yesterday. I suppose it's still possible that Caleb is only playing Jeanine and he doesn't really believe the things Uriah heard him say, but I can't take the risk. I can only assume that what Uriah and Marlene overheard is proof that Caleb is not to be trusted. I need to get word to my parents, but I don't know how, nor do I know how to convince them that I am right. If I were in their shoes, I would not want to believe that my own son would betray me that way, and had I not been through it all myself, I probably would never believe my brother could do such a thing.

But he did.

I'm still mulling over all of these thoughts in my head when I leave the net and walk around the compound. It is past curfew, so I don't see anyone around. Perfect- peaceful and quiet is just what I need right now.

Unfortunately, I am so distracted that I forget to keep my guard up until it is too late. I am at the opposite end of the pit from where the Chasm is when a hand covers my mouth while the other wraps around my waist, lifting my feet off the floor. I try to scream, but the hand muffles the sound. I bite down hard on the fingers and taste blood; as the now bloody hand releases my mouth, the one around my waist loosens its grip slightly and this is my chance. I twist out of his hold, now facing him.

He's wearing a black mask, but I rip it off, and it's just who I would have expected it to be: Peter. He punches at my temple, and I jerk away in time to only get hit in the jaw. I stagger back and he kicks my ribs, but I roll away and get to my feet before he can get in a second kick.

The world is spinning around me and I brush my fingers against the cold stone floor to keep from falling over. He lunges at me and I dodge him, elbowing him hard in the stomach. He takes a few steps back, doubled over, and I have time to regain my balance a bit more before his next assault.

This time, when he comes at me, I'm ready. I dodge a punch aimed for my throat, and he has thrown too much of his body into it. I take advantage of his compromised balance, kicking his knee, then sweeping his feet out from under him. He falls to the floor and I kick and punch, over and over, seeing red just like I did during our final fight last week.

Somehow, I come to my senses before I kill the bastard. What was he even thinking? Last time he attacked me three on one, and this time, when he knows I am capable of beating him on my own, he comes alone? I shake my head as I kick Peter's unconscious form one more time in the ribs, just for the hell of it. His decision to come alone must have been a matter of pride; he must have felt the need to prove that he could take me. Well, that didn't work out so well, did it? I think with a smirk.

The next thing I know, I am running, running, until I find myself in the one place in this compound I have ever felt completely safe. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and gathering my strength, and knock on the door.

Tobias

I am lying awake, my mind still going over and over Tris's simulation and her reaction afterward, when I am startled by loud knocking at my door. It's nearly midnight, and the knocking is rushed and urgent sounding. I pull on a shirt as fast as I can and hurry to the front door.

The knocking still hasn't ceased when I throw the door open. "Tris!" I breathe as she pushes past me, immediately shutting and locking the door. I turn on a light and finally get a good look at her, sucking in a shocked breath as I notice the bruise forming on her jaw. Her cheeks are tear-streaked and her lip is cut. I firmly hold both her upper arms and look into her eyes. "Tris, what happened?!"

"Peter," she sighs, pulling herself out of my grasp to get a couple of ice packs out of the freezer compartment of my refrigerator and pressing one against her jaw as she makes her way to my bed. After she lays down, she asks me to check her side, and I wince at the large bruise forming along her ribs; then she winces as I check to be sure nothing is broken.

"He caught me off guard," she explains. "I was distracted, thinking about… about my sim today, and about what Uriah told me about my brother yesterday…" I have no idea what Uriah might have said about her brother or how he could have even gotten information about him, but we can get to that later. "Last time he attacked me three to one. I'm lucky that he was I guess too prideful for that this time around, or I would probably be dead at the bottom of the chasm right now."

"What kind of shape is Peter in now, then?" I ask with a chuckle.

She smirks. "It ended up a lot like my fight with him in training, except no one was there to stop me. He's alive, but he might wish he wasn't, the way he'll probably be feeling in the morning."

"That's my girl," I laugh proudly as I kiss her temple, and try to hide my hurt when she ducks her head away from me. I hold the second ice pack against her ribs and lay down on the bed with her, pulling her in closer to me.

We lay in an awkward silence until I finally bring up the elephant in the room. "We need to talk about your sim today, Tris."

"What about it?" Tris snaps before clenching her jaw and staring intently at the wall.

Is she kidding right now? "What about?!" I hiss, trying my hardest not to yell. "Um, maybe about the fact that I don't even know if we've ever had sex, then I watched us do it in your sim, after which you made me out to be a complete monster!"

"It's not like I made a conscious decision to have you treat me like that in my sim, Four." Tris's eyes blaze in defiance.

"Don't use that name like a weapon against me!" I run my hands through my hair in frustration. "And I know you didn't choose to portray me that way. That's what makes it even worse, Tris! That it was your subconscious! That deep down inside, this is what you actually believe! You really see me as that heartless monster in your sim! Why would you believe that, Tris?! What did I ever do that you would think that of me?" It is unnerving how much it hurts to know she sees me that way, when I've known her such a short time.

"I've never understood why you would choose me, Tobias!" Her eyes shine with unshed tears and I ache to comfort her. But I don't. I am too angry and too stubborn. "Then there were all your secrets. All the things you never trusted me with. And when you lied to me and went off with Nita, how do you think I felt?! She was gorgeous and everything I am not!" Tris screams at me, then turns and faces away from me, her arms crossed over her chest.

I run my hand over my face. "We can come back to that first part, Tris, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Who the hell is Nita?!"

"She was from the Bureau," Tris says in a small voice, but dismissively.

In that moment all my frustration and anger at this situation bubbles to the surface. Tris knows everything that is going to happen and she has just left me in the dark about it. She is holding over my head things I haven't even done yet! How am I supposed to do better, or understand what she is feeling, or be on the same level in this relationship with her at all? "I don't know what the hell the Bureau is, Tris. I don't know anything because you haven't told me! How would you like it if the tables were turned? How are we supposed to have a relationship if you are keeping all these secrets from me?"

Tris stands still, facing away from me, arms still crossed like a five year old pouting. I run my hand through my hair and let out a deep sigh of frustration. "Have you always avoided our problems like this? By running off like a five year old?"

Tris whips around facing me, her face red with anger. "Like you were ever any better! All the times you just stomped off instead of talking to me, all the secrets you kept from me!"

"Then why were we even together?!" I yell. "Why did you even come back? Because it doesn't seem to me that we were any good for one another. We obviously didn't trust each other. I still don't even know for sure whether the first part of that sim was based on experience or imagination!"

"It was based on experience," she says quietly. "The night before I died. That was our first time."

"Did I leave you then?" I ask just as quietly.

Tris shakes her head, tears beginning to spill over and run down her cheeks. "No, you didn't," she says, "but we had been through it all together. This time… God, I love you so much, Tobias, and I'm scared, because you don't feel the same way I do, yet. I hate feeling so vulnerable." Tris turns away from me again, trying to wipe her tears away with her palms. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we don't belong together at all."

I see her shoulders jerk with her silent sobs, and as angry as I am, I know then how much my comments have hurt her. It literally makes my heart hurt. I start to reach out for her, wanting to pull her into my arms, but am interrupted by another loud knock at the door. I growl in frustration. "This had better be important," I mutter as I cross the room back to the door.

I open the door to find Uriah on the other side. "What?!" I snap at him, and he stares at me frozen with his eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "Are you just going to stare at me, or was there actually something important enough to show up here at midnight for?"

"Uh…" he says, snapping out of it, and glancing inside, "I found Peter beat to shit and dragged him to the dormitory. I thought you should know, and I also haven't seen Tris all night and wanted to make sure she was okay. Is she here?"

I roll my eyes and step back, gesturing irritably to where she stands, still facing away from us, across the room. "She's fine. Peter attacked her. She was the one that beat him up."

He sees her heaving shoulders and it's clear that he's registered her emotional state, and that it is not just about what happened with Peter, when he narrows his eyes at me before crossing to her. "Tris?! What happened?" he says, the concern in his voice unmistakable, as he pulls her into his arms. I know it's entirely a friendly gesture, but my fists clench involuntarily. Who do I think I am I kidding? I can't not be with this girl. Or at the very least, I will never be able to stand seeing her with someone else.

Tris is still sobbing into Uriah's chest, so I answer for her. "We were in the middle of a… discussion." Uriah glares at me, and I don't miss the silent accusation in his eyes. "Don't look at me like that. Of course you'd assume that it's all my fault. You know, it's not that easy being in a relationship in this whole… situation." I know he knows what I mean.

"Yeah? Well, it's not easy on her end, either, Four." I roll my eyes. I never said it was.

I pinch the bridge of my nose; I feel a frustration-induced headache beginning to form. "I don't know anything about what happened during that war! She doesn't trust me over things that I- I just have no idea what she's talking about!"

Uriah looks at Tris. "Nita," she says bitterly.

"Yeah, I'm not explaining that one to him," Uriah mumbles. "But he deserves to know."

Tris sighs and finally turns around to face me. "The Bureau of Genetic Welfare is what is outside the fence." The what? "Nita is a girl that you snuck around with in the middle of the night, who convinced you to be part of some rebel group she was a member of, and ultimately, you ignored everything I said, helped Nita, and were a part of setting off the bomb that killed Uriah." I'm so stunned that I stumble back onto my bed. I killed Uriah-my best friend's brother. I was a part of his death. And she never told me?! What else has she been hiding from me?

I sit on the bed with my head in my hands, imagining how Zeke and Hana must have reacted. Tris and Uriah may not even have an answer to that if I asked; Tris may not have even been there. "Tris," I hear Uriah say gently, "he needs to know everything that happened. I know that some of it, you aren't proud of, but it isn't fair to him." I never would have expected Uriah to be the voice of reason in, well, any situation, ever.

After a few deep breaths, Tris wipes her eyes as I look up at her and her friend, feeling really lucky that Uriah is such a forgiving person. He leads her over to the bed and she sits on the edge, while Uriah climbs on and sits farther in, his legs pulled up and crossed like a pretzel. "Get your shoes off my bed, Uri," I say flatly, and he smiles sheepishly, pulling them off and dropping them on the floor next to the bed.

Uriah and Tris spend the next hour and a half explaining everything that happened with the war. Although Uriah seems to have his own problems on his mind, he does most of the talking. Tris takes over off and on to recount the details of various incidents that Uriah doesn't know much about, such as our stay in Amity, as well as several other incidents that I know we will have to talk more about: her imprisonment in Erudite, the mission she took on behind my back with Marcus, and practically everything that happened at the Bureau. Tris sure as hell was never cut out for Candor.

It's nearly two in the morning when Uriah finally leaves, mumbling something about seeing us in the morning, and I groan realizing how soon we have to be up for training.

"You take the bed. I'll sleep on the floor," I say tiredly, grabbing a pillow and an extra blanket.

Tris frowns. "Tobias, you don't have to-"

"I don't want the first night I spend with you in my arms to be… like this," I interrupt, "with us upset with each other. I'll be fine down here, Tris."

When the lights are out and I lay with the hard floor digging into my side, Tris's voice reaches me in the darkness. "I don't like fighting with you, Tobias."

"Then maybe you should have been more honest with me, Tris. I can't believe you chose to go into that weapons lab. After everything Caleb did, you still chose him! You chose to leave me."

I almost think she has fallen asleep when she finally says, "I also chose to come back to you. I'm truly sorry, Tobias."

I know that she loves me. I know I'm falling for her, too. There are just so many things to forgive, and I have never been the forgiving type. I hope I can be, for her.