CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Marlene

Four has called every single initiate… except for Edward, Uriah, the Stiff and me. Seriously, is he totally oblivious to the tension that the four of us left alone together creates? I mean, I guess he isn't around us much as a group, but he's best friends with Zeke, so I would think he would have some idea that things are… a bit uncomfortable. None of us can seem to even look at one another.

"Damn, this sucks," Edward whispers to me. "It's working, though. He's getting more jealous every time he sees us together."

I giggle quietly. Yes, Uriah is definitely jealous. I'm sure it makes that little Stiff mad as hell.

"Didn't anyone ever teach either of you manners?" Uriah says in the same cold tone he used yesterday about the cake I was sharing with Edward. Edward pulls me closer with the arm that is wrapped around my waist and Uriah snorts. "Do you have to be so in everyone's face with the touching?"

Edward tries to hide his smirk.

"Uriah," Tris warns quietly- I can barely hear her. Uriah barely glances at her before glaring at Edward again. As I have many times, I start worrying that I am going too far, pushing Uri too far away from me. I open my mouth to speak, but think better of it and seal my lips shut again. Edward looks at me with his brow furrowed.

"What is your problem, man?" Edward says. "Are you jealous or something?"

*****FLASHBACK*****

"Edward," I say, thinking back to his comment about his parents. "You were born for Dauntless, from what I've heard about and seen. If your parents don't show up tomorrow, don't let it get to you. They're not worth it if they can't accept you for who you are. You have people here who think you're pretty amazing." I blush slightly… I probably shouldn't have said that.

He smiles. "Well, Marlene," he says, "I hope you know that whoever it is that you are trying to get over is an idiot, because you're beautiful, kind, brave, fun… anyone would be lucky to be with you." In this moment, I realize how much we've leaned in toward each other. We're breathing the same air. Maybe I don't need Uriah at all. Maybe…

And in that moment, Edward closes the distance and presses his lips to mine.

And I feel nothing.

I pull back, biting my lip. I can't even look at him.

"Um… uh…" Edward stutters uncomfortably.

"Look, I'm sorry Edward but-"

"Oh, thank God," he sighs. My head snaps in his direction, eyebrows raised probably to my hairline. He laughs. "Seriously, you were about to say that there's nothing there, right?"

I smile and nod. "Yeah, that was like kissing my brother, if I had one," I say with a giggle. Edward just laughs. "I'd still like to keep you around as a great friend, though."

Edward nods. "Friends would be perfect." Then his eyes light up and his lips curl into a mischievous smile. "But… I bet we could make that guy you like jealous…"

*****END FLASHBACK*****

I notice Tris looking like she'd rather be absolutely anywhere but in this hallway with the three of us. She's actually inching away. It reminds me of my cat, Ginger; Ginger is always trying to sneak into my lap, like she thinks I won't notice- not that I even understand why she thinks she has to be sneaky to begin with- and just puts her weight on one paw at a time very slowly but it's not like no one notices. It's still obvious. That's what Tris's inching away thing is like. Uriah obviously notices it too and says, "Tris, just leave if this really bothers you so much."

"Jealousy doesn't look good on you, Uri," Tris hisses, getting up and pacing away. She plops down on the floor at the other end of the hall.

I laugh- or more like cackle. It's not actually funny, but I can't help being satisfied by seeing Uriah's little girlfriend so pissed off at him. I'd be pissed if I were her, too. He's acting like a jealous boyfriend over me, even though I'm positive that the two of them have something between them.

"Now you're making your little girlfriend, uncomfortable, too," I say, and I notice Tris rolling her eyes all the way down the hall.

Uriah huffs. "I'm pretty sure Tris has already told you this," he says flatly, "but she isn't my girlfriend, Marlene. She's my friend." Yeah, right. I call bullshit. "And I'm not the one making sure to rub it in everyone's faces." Okay, it's true that Edward and I are rubbing our fake romance in his face, but it isn't like Tris and Uriah haven't made it obvious to the world. They may not have kissed, but she's a Stiff and he's always got his arm around her, or is hugging her… hell, she even stood out in the hall with him in nothing but a towel and kissed him on the cheek!

I blow my hair out of my face and sit up straighter. "Why does it even matter to you what I do, Uriah?!" I know it does. He makes it quite obvious how jealous he is. "How is it any of your business what I do with Edward? Last I checked, we've only ever been friends, but you sure aren't acting like a friend lately!"

We all stare each other down for a moment, and Uriah and I continue our unblinking glares at each other even after Four calls Edward. I don't even glance at him as he leaves to go through his simulation, and neither does Uriah.

It's Tris who breaks the silence. "You two are ridiculous," she mutters from down the hall.

And she's absolutely right. The way we've been treating each other is ridiculous. But she shouldn't pretend like she's had nothing to do with it. "Stay out of it, Stiff!" I shout at her. Surprise, surprise- Uriah rubs his face then gets up and walks down the hall and sits next to Tris. Of-freaking-course he does, I think as I glare at them and watch them speak to each other in voices too quiet for me to understand what they're saying.

Tris's voice goes back to normal volume and she says, "Just make damn sure she knows not to tell anyone else. And stop all the goddamn fighting!" Uriah hugs her and hops up, coming back to sit across from me again, surprisingly. I really thought he'd stay with his little Stiff girlfriend.

"Mar," Uri says, his voice soft… pleading. "I'm sorry, Marlene." I've been wanting to hear those words… but I'm afraid to even believe them. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me. That I'll get my hopes up… and he will still be in love with Tris. So I scoff, and keep looking away from him so he can't see everything I am feeling. "Can we talk, after dinner or something?"

Now he wants to talk, huh? Where has he been the last two weeks? With the Stiff! As much as I have been waiting for this moment, right now I am just mad. Angry enough to mask all the hurt and longing, so I look at him. "Oh, now you want to talk?" My voice is dripping with venom. "Right now, you're pretty much the last person I want to talk to, Uriah. Seriously, what makes you think you have the right to treat me the way you have been? You've been so goddamn spiteful that you threw my freaking cake away last night just because I was sharing it with Edward! I don't like this side of you, Uri, and I don't know what's going on, but right now, I really don't care. Just leave me the hell alone." Don't listen to me, Uri. Don't give up on me. I'm just hurt. I still need you.

Uriah groans. "Come on, Mar! Can you just give me a goddamn chance, please? Neither of us are innocent in… whatever it is that's going on between us, and I told you I'd tell you everything. I'm trying to do that, okay? Just give me a chance, please." He's begging, but I can hear irritation behind it.

I scowl and look away from him, my arms crossed in front of my chest. I battle in my mind between my pride… and admitting that I'm wrong, too. I've been playing games, with what Edward and I have been doing. It's true… I haven't been that nice to him, either.

Then Tris calls out from down the hall, "Come on, Marlene. Let him explain." What if what they've been saying this whole time is true, and they really are just friends? If they're together why would she want me to give him another chance? I'm sure she realizes I'm in love with him.

I glance at Tris warily, trying to read her face. She looks sincere. I'm still annoyed with Uriah but I'm definitely curious about what on earth has been going on with him if it isn't some romantic affair with the Stiff, and I definitely was curious about that conversation we overheard between Jeanine Matthews and Tris's brother at Erudite. I look at Uriah and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Fine, you're right," I say. "It's my fault, too. I'll listen. I owe you that much." And I do. We've been friends practically as long as I can remember.

Uriah grins and claps his hands together once. "All right! Great! You won't regret it. Well, I hope you won't, anyway. Just um… let me talk to Four next time he peeks his head out because I need his help to show you something." What the heck? What could he need Four's help with? I'm definitely curious now.

"Do you want to explain anything to her before I show her this?" Four asks Uriah. We are in the fear simulation room, though the day of training has been over for hours. Uriah promised to explain 'everything' but so far, he hasn't explained anything at all. He didn't even talk to me the whole way here, and he looks more nervous than I've ever seen him. He's literally wringing his hands. Uriah, my always-confident friend, standing there wringing his hands, without a hint of that cocky smile that's usually plastered across his face. Whatever this is… it's serious, and there is a reason he hasn't told me yet.

Uriah runs one hand through his hair. "I don't know, Four, is there really anything I can say that would make this any easier? You've been through this with Tris; tell me what to do." What the hell is he talking about?!

"Whatever it is, just tell me already!" I snap. I don't mean to, he's clearly already freaking out, but he's making me anxious, too.

Four sighs. "Maybe you should give her a very brief explanation of what she's about to see." Thanks, Four, let's get this show on the road.

Uriah now starts pacing back and forth. He's almost making me dizzy. He turns toward me and kneels in front of the chair I'm sitting on so abruptly that I jump slightly, and he takes my hands in his. "Marlene," he breathes, then he kind of opens and closes his mouth for a few seconds while he tries to get some words out. "Can you promise me- I mean, cross your heart and hope to die promise- that you will hear me out, everything I need to say, and not decide that it's all impossible from, like, the first sentence?"

"You're scaring me a little, Uriah." What the heck could be going on here?! He has been acting… weird, lately, ever since around Choosing Day but I just thought it was his infatuation with Tris. It seems I was wrong- there has to be more to it. "But… yes, I will listen. I promise."

"Okay," he sighs, and looks at Four. Four nods. He still has his hard 'instructor' face on, but I can see that he's encouraging him to go on.

Then Four takes a breath and lets it out. "Marlene," he says, "I've heard the same basic thing Uriah is about to tell you, but from Tris. Well, mostly, Tris. The other night Uriah helped her fill me in more thoroughly. Anyway, I just want to tell you, it's going to be hard to understand… but I do believe them."

Uriah closes his eyes and just breathes for a moment. When he opens them, he finally begins to speak. "Tris and I both woke up on the day of the aptitude test from what seemed to be a really crazy dream. Both our dreams, or whatever this was, were unique to us each as we obviously experienced everything from different… perspectives, I guess… but everything also matches up. We went through the whole initiation, then there was a war. A lot of people died, Mar. At the end, Tris and I both died, and then we were in… in Heaven, I guess, and her parents were there. They had died at the beginning of the war. I- we- we didn't see any of... of our other friends who had died." Uh… okay? This is all about some weird dream? I mean, it is strange that he and Tris apparently had some sort of psychic connection… before they were even friends, I would assume… and dreamed the same thing.

Uriah breathes slowly for a minute, like he's trying to calm himself down, then continues. "Tris's mom told us that we could have another chance, that we could come back and start over and try to fix everything. We begged to be able to do that, and then we each woke up in our old rooms in our parents' homes the morning of the aptitude test." Uriah looks down and he rubs his thumbs back and forth on my hand, right where the webbing is between my index finger and thumb. "Remember how I knew Abnegation would jump first, Mar? And that the carousel would work? And I told you I was psychic?"

Uriah looks right into my eyes, pleading with me to understand what he is saying. I do remember the carousel, and that stupid bet with the cake. I do remember wondering how on earth he could have possibly in a million years guessed that a Stiff would transfer to Dauntless at all, let alone jump first. I nod, very slowly and deliberately, not taking my eyes off of his because this is getting really, really weird.

"I knew Tris would jump first because we were already friends from that dream. We remembered each other at school the day of the aptitude test. I called her by a nickname- the name 'Tris', of course- which she hadn't made up yet, but which she remembered being called by for months in the 'dream'." He makes air quotes with his fingers when he says 'dream'. "Whether this was a premonition… or it was all totally real and we really did go to Heaven and get sent back… I don't know. But things have happened the same, except for when we've done things differently. Little things can make big changes."

This… this is why he has spent so much time with Tris? Because she is the only one who understood? And there I was intentionally torturing him with Edward. Maybe he really does care for me the way I care for him. I still really don't know what to make of what he's saying to me, but I can't deny that it would be an explanation for a lot of things that haven't made sense over the past few weeks.

I close my eyes before I ask, because I'm kind of afraid to know after all this. "What were you going to show me, Uriah?"

When I open my eyes, my jaw drops. Uriah has tears streaming down his face. I reach forward and brush them away with my thumbs, but they just keep coming. "My fear simulation from the first day of stage two," he chokes. "Only it is a memory. From… from before. It's how you died, Marlene." My eyes go wide with shock. He brought me here to watch my own death?!

I pull my hands from his without warning. "You brought me here to watch myself die? Why?!"

"Because I need you to know that this is for real, Marlene!" he almost yells. "I- I can't ever go through that again! I love you too much!"

I freeze. Like, completely freeze. I'm not even breathing. Uriah just said he loves me. He loves me! I just… stare at him. I have no idea how long, but I just can't even move. And then his lips are on mine and everything is right. Nothing could be more right than the way this feels, like pins and needles everywhere.

When he pulls away, Uriah says, "Can you show her, Four? I- I can't watch this again. I know I'll have to in my Fear Landscape but I just…"

Four nods in understanding. "I wouldn't be able to watch this if it were Tris, and I'm not even sure I feel as… as much for her as you do for Marlene, yet." Oh. Tris really isn't interested in Uriah. I get it. Tris… and Four. Wow, go Tris!

Four motions me over to the computer monitor. "This is just a recording of Uriah's fear simulation," he explains quietly as he inserts a little plastic thing with a metal tip into some slot in the computer. "You don't need the electrodes or anything, but I'm going to give you these headphones to listen with. I saw Uriah after he went through this simulation and if he watches it again right now or even hears it, I don't think he will be able to finish this conversation with you afterward." His eyes meet mine, and there is pain in them. He hands me the headphones, then presses his lips together in a straight line. "Are you ready?" I nod, and he finishes preparing the video. "Be brave," he murmurs, glancing at Uriah, and then he hits play.

I am so sucked into what's in front of me, I don't even glance at Uriah to see how he's handling everything. I don't understand what I'm seeing. I mean, I can clearly see that Hector, myself, and a little girl whose name I don't know are standing on the edge of the roof. The part I don't understand is why we are there, and I do not understand the vacant looks on our faces. Our eyes… we just look… dead already. Am I going to watch Hector die, too? My friend's little brother? God, I hope not.

A few other bodies come onto the screen, but just their backs. Both girls, a blond and one with dark hair and dark skin. When they glance at each other I realize that it's Tris and Christina. Then, I speak; I say something that I don't understand about Divergents and Erudite and my voice is monotone and robotic. Something is very, very wrong with me, Hector and the little girl.

When it happens, I gasp. All three of us step off the ledge. Christina and Tris dive at us, but they can't reach us all. Christina grabs the little girl and Tris grabs hold of Hector. He nearly pulls her over the edge, but Christina helps her drag him up. But me? I'm just gone. Just like Rita's sister when she didn't make the jump to the roof on Choosing Day. The simulation doesn't show the view over the edge of the roof, but I know what I would see if it did: limbs splayed out at odd angles, probably blood all around me. You don't survive a seven story free fall ending on asphalt.

The simulation ends, and I take off the headphones. I can't speak. I'm gasping for breath, breathing too fast, but I can't seem to get any oxygen. Uriah is across the room sobbing and Four is gripping my arms with his hands. His voice sounds a million miles away.

Slowly my breathing slows, my lungs begin to receive the oxygen they need, and Four's voice comes into focus. "...breathe. Just breathe, Marlene. Breathe."

When I can finally speak, I look back and forth between Uriah and Four. "What was that?! Why… why was I like that?!"

"You were in a simulation," Four answers. "Tris… Tris turned herself in at Erudite the next day, from what Uriah has told me. She knew they'd kill her and she went anyway. She couldn't live with the guilt. She still feels guilty for having to choose between you and Hector. They tested her like a lab rat, they tortured her, and we managed to get her out, apparently. Only to have her and Uriah die a few months later, outside the fence."

Uriah is beginning to calm down, and Four looks between us. "Why don't you two go to my place and talk. I'll leave you alone for a while there, give you some privacy, just lock the door when you leave, okay?" Uriah nods gratefully as he crosses the room to me and pulls me into his arms.

But, though it hurts to do it… I push him away. "Thanks Four, but… no. No, I don't want to go talk right now," I say. I can't believe after I have so desperately wanted to be with Uriah for so long, I am actually saying this. But everything he's saying… it's all completely crazy! It's impossible! And seriously what the hell, he just made me watch myself die. This is all kinds of screwed up. "I… I need some time to think," I choke out, turning towards the door.

Someone grabs my arm, and I'm surprised when I turn to see it's Four, his eyes looking utterly panicked. "Marlene," he says, "I need you to promise me that you won't say anything about any of this, or about me and Tris, none of it, not to anyone. Not to Shauna, not to Lynn, not to Edward… no one. Please." I know Four took a big risk by letting me in on his secret about him and Tris, and I know that she and Uriah would probably end up institutionalized if I told anyone what they believed, because everyone would think they are crazy. Maybe they are, but I still won't do that to Uriah. He's still one of my best friends.

"I promise," I say. "I swear, Four. I won't say anything. To anyone." He nods and lets go of me. I glance over my shoulder once at Uriah, then I walk away, leaving him broken behind me.