Now let us have a drink…

When you consume significant quantities of very strong alcoholic beverages in an extremely short span of time, you get fucked up real quick. Then, compound that with the fact you hadn't ingested any food in 6 hours…the party starts getting interesting even faster. Note to self – drunken state distorts your perception of reality just a wee bit at any age. I'll have to remember that one for next time. Which will most likely be after the fucking game tomorrow. However, I will be eternally grateful for Sookie keeping me on a short leash this evening, thus prohibiting me from making a total ass of myself. Yes, tonight I am happy to be a spectator in the festivities.

You couldn't have timed Bill's entrance any better. The Sugar Hill Gang was actually playing on the speaker system this time. Which I found incredibly amusing, it made me want to dance. That "Apache" song has a good beat to it. I could have sworn Bill put a little hip action into his prance. Sookie kept whisper, "Jump on it. Jump on it." She's fucking hilarious. This just might turn out to be a good night.

Just then, Pam's head snaps to Bill and his entourage of…men? Remember when you were young, watching Sesame Street, or maybe it was the Muppet Show – something along those lines, I think. I'm currently looking at what appears to be a 6th finger on my right-hand, so I'm having some technical difficulties at the moment. Anyways, remember the lesson on the show when they ask you to find what object doesn't match with the others? Well, Mr. Compton seems to have this exact situation occurring in his gaggle of associates. A person of questionable genetic decent sauntered up right behind him. Is it a man? Is it a woman? I'm going for door #3…it's an IT. What's that on its chin? That doesn't look like a mole?

"Hey, Pam?" Damn I whisper loud.

"What's that on its chin?"

"Eric, how the fuck do I know? Do I look like a geneticist? That thing looks like the missing link. Or possibly Steven Tyler's sibling."

She's right, it does look like Steven Tyler…in a feminine way…somewhat. Uh.

"Hello, Bill. How are you this evening?"

"Eric. You seem a little different tonight?"

"Oh. I'm hoping to make it to the emergency room later." What? It's true.

"Mr. Compton, I'm Pam O'Houlihan. I've heard many interesting things about you."

"I can't say the same, Ms. O'Houlihan."

"Well, aren't I the lucky one." Now would be a good time to run, Bill. It's just a suggestion based on a week of experience. But whatever, I'm going to drink my beer.

"I'll introduce you to my team." Thank God! Yes, Pam, this is your team. I just own the gym, pay for the uniforms, and order beer.

"You know Eric. This is Sookie, Stan, Appius, Clancy and Lafayette."

"Charmed."

"Let me introduce you to my Dream Team."

"These are the twins of destruction…Sigebert…"

"Nice dry erase board." He wrote 'Thank You'. He's a funny beast.

"Lovely penmanship, Sigebert."

"And his twin…Wybert." They weren't exaggerating about the lazy eyes.

"I'm just going to pick an eye and talk to it." I was thinking the same thing, Pam.

"Next, from the secret confines of Southeastern Europe, we have Lorena Stavilonskivitdavihcky." Now that's an awful secret. Come to think of it, it looks more like a nipple under her cleft chin.

"Something went horribly wrong in that science experiment." My thoughts exactly, Pam.

"She looks like Vera De Milo." Damn it, I forgot to use my inside voice again.

"Who?" Stan, you shame me.

"You know, that body-builder pseudo-woman character Jim Carrey played on In Living Color."

"Holy Shit! You're right, Eric!" I knew I loved you for a reason, Sookie. Aside from your amazing body, those beautiful full lips, the face of an angel, soft silky hair…baby mama.

"This gentleman is our consultant and Dodgeball extraordinaire, Felipe De Castro."

"Pamilla, I'b heard menie good tings about tu." What did he say?

"Fancy cape. Why do you have a large 'Z' on it?"

"Maybe I cho you later."

"Also with us is Felipe's second in command, Victor Madden." He's second in command of what? Holding the balls? Sorry to burst your bubble, Victor, but in the states we call that a waterboy.

"Pleasure to meet you." Holy Fuck. I nickname you…Dolphin Caller. I didn't know a human's voice could get so high. It must be because of the one testicle. Maybe the door knob damaged more than they thought.

Victor leers at Laf, "Oooooo, sexual chocolate." I think I just threw up in my mouth. No, no, no…Laf doesn't look pleased.

"And last, but certainly by no means least, our beloved Andre LeClerq." He wearing man heels and ruffles…pirate?

"I'm Rick James, BITCH!" Dave Chappelle! Okay, a very pale Dave. Damn, that boy's got talent!

Andre looks to Laf, "Oh, DARKNESS." He did not just go Charlie Murphy on his ass? Well, isn't Lafayette the popular one tonight? But it's still funny.

"Look you creepy little fuckers…" You tell them Laf! I need another beer. This is some good entertainment.

"I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down." I'm chocking on my beer. Clancy and Appius have Laf pinned to his chair. I need to get them a beer, too.

"Bill! Fuck yo couch, buy a new one you rich motherfucker! What am I gonna do about my legs?!" I think I like this guy. He just keeps it coming.

"Shut up, Andre! Stand there and be quiet or I'll give your Chappelle DVD collection to Sigebert's Chihuahua!"

"That's cold-blooded." I agree.

"Now that we've met your gang of misfits, what are you doing here, Bill?"

"We just came in to relax, Pam."

"White, I didn't realize Batman costumes came in your size. Is that padding?"

"My name is Bill, not White. Yes, there is some slight padding in the shoulders…perhaps a little in my chest and buttock areas. My hairstylist, Mr. Jizz, said the shoulder padding was necessary in order to accentuate my jaw-line. This is crucial to maintaining the correct feather to hair length proportions, Pamela."

"Mr. Jizz? Really? Have you ever watched Charlie's Angels?"

"I don't understand the question."

"Farrah Fawcett."

"No, I'm Bill."

"I know."

"That's what I said."

"I know you know. That's what I'm saying."

"I know that you know that I know you know I know."

"Okay."

"Touche."

What the fuck just happened? I know it can't be the alcohol. Everyone has the same confused look on their face. Sigebert even wrote, "Huh?"

"Pam!"

"What Sookie?"

"Maybe we should just head out now. We need to get some rest. Eric has had enough to drink already."

WHAT?! Is it too much to ask to get my stomach pumped tonight? The ER is only 5 minutes away. Give me a couple more shots. A nice overnight stay is all I'm asking. I thought we had something special! Everyone is a traitor. I want 3 dates now.

"Fine. Bill, we'll see you and your cretins tomorrow."

When we get outside, there's a line of 6 mopeds parked by the entrance, almost like a motorcycle gang. I say almost because they're fucking white mopeds with flames on the sides. I'd start laughing, if I didn't feel so sick. In fact, I think I am sick. Uh oh.

Mid-puke I hear a shriek, and unfortunately for the moped owner, I turn my head and spray a nice even layer of vomit on the side of it. Sorry. But really, who the fuck makes loud, high-pitched noises near a nauseous person? That's just asking for trouble.

"You threw up on my bike!" Two points for me. Zero for Bill. He looks upset. I deserve a pat on the back.

I would like to thank the Academy…

"Did you just spill your motherfucking drink on my fucking Chanel tweed pink blush jacket, cocksucker?!"

"What?"

"I asked you a question, Fronzie!" She just bitch slapped him! TWICE!

"How dare you slap me, you last season wearing Chanel hussy!" Uh-oh.

SLAP! SLAP!

Wow. Sookie wasn't exaggerating about the whole Chanel thing. I can understand her anger. I get rather hostile when my DVR doesn't properly record the Japanese Iron Chef episodes. Who knew you could or would want to cook Anglerfish 10 different ways?

"You split my lip! Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY!" Is he crying?

"Andre!" Andre, your first mistake was stopping to answer Pam. Live and learn.

"Pam."

"I forgot to ask you. What did the five fingers say to the face?"

SLAP!

I think Pam just found a new friend.

"UNITY!"

None of us know quite what to make of what has transpired in the last five minutes. We're standing around, watching the "Go Balls Deep" team jump – well, hop would be more accurate – onto their mopeds. Their poor little engines revving at full power trying to carry their asses as fast as possible. We watch Felipe's cape flying in the wind as they simultaneously flick us off. Impressive exit.

Tomorrow will be a fitting end to a fucked up week. I was so damn close to making it to the ER, too. Damn it.

A/N Here's to human interaction…and small gene pools.

Up next – the tournament begins. Let's get ready to rubble.

Thanks for reading.

TMart