Disclaimer: Ms. Harris and Dodgeball people own it all. However, if you wish to send me a blank check, I'll send you my address.

"It's going to get a little messy in here…"

I don't consider myself old or easily spooked. I don't get light-headed at the sight of my own blood. I can ride the constant spinning rollercoasters that prohibit most people from walking a straight line once they step off said ride and then cause them to vomit in every direction as they exit. I've been on a fishing boat during a storm, managing to not puke my brains out. I enjoy action, violence and horror just as much as the next guy. I own the required male cinema – Die Hard movies, Indiana Jones set, Hitman, Lord of War, and every Tom Clancy book-based movie. I have the original Star Wars Trilogy and I wasn't completely disturbed by Jabba the Hut, even though it was fucking nasty. I sat through The Exorcist…TWICE! Yeah, so I slept with the light on and it fucked with my sleeping pattern for a week, but I got through it. I'll admit I can no longer walk outside during a foggy evening without getting paranoid and finding the need to pray or dowse myself in holy water. Whatever, I'll discuss it at therapy next week. It's okay. Come to think of it, I own the History Channel's documentary on the Last Stand of the 300. Shit, I even own the movie 300. Sookie appreciated the 'cinematography' a little too much for my liking, but it was good entertainment. I felt the need to get a sword and kick some ass, too…even if it was in slow motion.

However, THIS, what we just walked into…this might be epic. Baring witness to real blood and violence combined with a heavy dose of stupidity with a side of lion just kicks up the fucked-up factor exponentially. It's not even 10 am. I haven't completely digested my pancakes, and I've only had one cup of coffee. If Toga Bill was not currently jumping up and down like a toddler without a pull-up needing to take a piss, while surrounded by little spider monkeys wearing mini togas while eating grapes, I'd turn around and exit the building right now.

But on a side note…where the FUCK did all these people some from? I don't recall seeing one ounce of advertising for this tournament. (For the record, I really hate calling it a tournament. But I can't keep calling it 'crap' or 'shit' anymore. ) Of course, I wasn't looking for a poster in the grocery store window informing the metropolitan area of the upcoming gladiator battle followed by idiots playing games of dodgeball, either. Shaking my head. I was wrong again.

"Sookie, if this shit gets really fucked up in the next few minutes, would we be considered accessories? Or would we just have to testify during the murder trial? I mean, I want to watch this train wreck just like the other thousand or so ethically challenged individuals currently present, but I'm busy on Monday, and I don't have time for questioning or a possible arrangement."

"Eric, if those dumbasses want to do mankind a favor by taking themselves out of the reproductive population, who are we to deny them. Besides, we can just chalk this up to pure stupidity. The judge might consider it a mercy killing."

"Sookie, do me a favor. Here's the sharpie. Could you cross out the '4' in "I got 4 dates out of this…" on my jersey? Well, actually, just cross out the whole thing. Just write…"I'm getting a fiancé out of this…" instead." Don't give me that look, woman. Don't act like you don't see the chaos in front of us. You know my stipulations.

"Thaaaank you." Now, it's my turn. "Could you turn around and hand me the sharpie, please?" I write, "I'm marrying Eric!" on the back of her jersey. Phase 1 complete. I wonder how many children she'll agree to. I think I could pull off a wedding by next weekend.

The sound of steel hitting steel is a unique sound. A sword hitting a steel helmet is another unique sound. A steel sword hitting an idiot's flesh and bone…a very, very unique sound. This sound 99.9% of the time is followed by a scream…another unique sound. And the roar of the crowd and of the lions while hearing these screams as metal crashes together equals a lovely state of disturbia. Yep, no craft show here. I couldn't find a quilt or a needle point pillow to save my life right now.

I don't see a police officer or hear sirens in the distance. The local fire department appears to be a no show. Unless the EMTs are dressed up like one of these toga fools, they didn't get the invite either. But these two idiots…pardon me…'Gladiators' don't seem fazed by the lack of medical personnel. They just keep swinging, hitting, jumping, yelling and spitting. Personally, I would not be expelling any necessary fluids if I were them. No one is going to start an IV drip on your ass when you drop.

"Those crazy fuckers are really going to kill each other!" Yep, looks like it, Laf.

"My screwdriver wound doesn't seem so bad anymore." See, Clancy. Things could always be worse.

"I wonder if they received a tetanus shot beforehand." Appius, I think they might appreciate a serious infection over immediate death. But we all have different priorities, so who knows.

"Had I known of the festivities, I would have brought my toolbox. I screwdriver to the testicles would go unnoticed at this point. I could have really used the practice. I didn't manage to do much damage that first day of training. I think I'm getting rusty." I don't even know what to say to that comment.

"Well, I don't think it will last much longer. That one guy looks like his arm is starting to dangle a little from the shoulder. Maybe a quick slice or a tug by one of the lions should do the trick. Cauterize it with one of the swords, suture it up, antibiotic ointment, bandage, and daily doses of multiple antibiotics and pain medication and he's all good." Someone has been watching House, MD too much.

"Doogie Howser, I mean Stan, his nail isn't breaking…he didn't puncture his left ball…it's an appendage. I'm not a doctor, and I only play one with Sookie, but I think most would consider this situation a life threatening injury in need of more than just a bandage."

"Yeah, you're probably right, Eric." Probably?

Hasn't he seen Jaws? Didn't he see the amount of blood that would spray into the air when that psycho shark chomped on someone's limb?

If you had told me that 30 minutes into stepping into this building I would witness an arm flying through the air as a lion jumped 10 feet into said air to catch it in its mouth, I would have kicked you in the balls and back-handed you. I would have repeated the process until you came to your senses. Now, I guess I can just mark that off my bucket list, and add it to things to discuss with my therapist.

As Gladiator 1 sliced up Gladiator 2's shoulder, a Friday the 13th worthy spray of red substance shot up in the arena like the fountain show at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. For a brief second all went deathly quiet. Not one sound was heard. As I looked to Bill's box seat slash stage slash throne area, the crowd erupted in screams and yells of appreciation; I saw one of the spider monkeys closest to Bill choke on a grape. Yes, even the fucking monkeys knew this shit was fucked up beyond fucked up.

"Moose. Moose? Moose! What's wrong?! Oh my god, something is wrong with Moose!" Billed screamed.

He named the spider monkey Moose?

Oh, for the love of all that's holy, don't freaking bust out the dick bottle! Leave the critter his dignity. Don't try to make him drink from a penis.

"Is there a Vet in the building?!"

"Bill, you dumbass, he's choking on a grape!" I yell. I hope the monkey bites him.

Oh, look. There's the EMT. Huh? I guess one of them did get the memo.

"Step aside Mr. Compton. I'm a professional." Okay, is it me or is no one concerned about the dude missing a limb? There is an 800 pound wild cat that is currently playing with his arm. And everyone is watching a little spider monkey choke on a grape. Fuck! Even the other little monkeys are watching the lion.

"Mr. Compton, how large was the grape?" Does it fucking matter? It's a grape, not a boulder. You can squish a damn grape.

"Never mind. I'm going to do the Heimlich maneuver! Clear the area! Everyone stand back." One, is it wise for a 6ft, possible 250lb man, to perform this maneuver on a 3 pound monkey? Two, if a group of spider monkeys looks at you like you're the biggest fucking idiot on the planet, does that mean something is very wrong with this individual? And three, why doesn't someone just tap on the monkeys back?

The EMT places his pinky fingers under the monkey's rib cage while he holds the critter to his own face for leverage as he presses down on its chest. The grape launches out like a bottle rocket and into Bill's gaping mouth. Have you ever tried to laugh as you make a face of disgust? It's messy.

As the crowd cheers, Moose turns around to slap the EMT.

My day is complete now. You have to love spider monkeys.

"Well, shit! How the hell am I supposed to get my arm back? It's never going fit back on the same way." Really? That's your main concern at the moment? Getting your mauled limb back from the lion? Not, I need to go to the hospital. Not, can someone put the fucking lion in a cage? Not, does someone have a tranquilizer gun? Not, is there a lawyer in the building? No shit, it's not going to 'fit' the same way.

"I apologize, Mr. Franklin. I'll pay for a new one." He didn't misplace his shoes. His arm was sliced off.

"Thank you. It's probably for the best. All this red syrup ruined the metal attachments anyway."

What? Get a new one? It's a prosthetic? They were acting?

Motherfucker.

I'm not sure whether I should feel betrayed, relieved or disappointed.

"Thank you everyone. Let's give our stuntmen a round of applause!" Bill announces to the audience.

"We will have a brief intermission while the arena floor is prepared for the start of our Dodgeball Tournament. Please visit our merchandise store. Our specially designed grip bottles are now on sale!" I'm thinking this circus show might not be that bad after all.

"OMG! Those must be the other four teams." Holy shit! This day gets better and better.

Stan and Clancy spit out their water. Pam takes out her phone to take pictures. Laf and Sookie are in shock. Appius looks confused…shocker. And I think my side is starting to hurt again. This is going to be classic!

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TMart