A/N: Damn, right? I warned you that some shit was goin' down last chap. Be prepared cause the rollercoaster is just beginning to gain speed. A special shout out to chrissy, and lol who have been my reviewing champs as of late. I don't want you to miss out on sleep but I appreciate the love, truly. And thanks to all you guys for every word, thought, sentiment and any other form of communication you were kind enough to post that I may have failed to mention. It keeps me motivated and brings me great joy. Now let's see where the coaster shall coast...
It had been the longest twelve hours he could ever recall experiencing in all of his times enduring the quiet room.
He felt zombie like when the door was finally opened. He had refused to eat. He just couldn't. And sleep wasn't an option. Not with the way his mind kept racing with worry over Kurt.
Well, worry intermingled with an intense sense of fury, and a strong desire to mutilate Gavin; to maim the bastard painstakingly slow.
His knee was still causing him discomfort, but at least the pain had dulled a bit.
He was taken to the showers and then led to the onsight depository for his medication. His initial inclination was to argue and demand to be able to see Kurt. God how he wanted to do just that.
But the time afforded him while sitting in the quiet room, lacking substinence and sleep, allowed for him to determine the best course of action. Fighting, arguing, making threats would only result in him being taken away. He had to do what it took to get to Kurt. Even if it meant following every single directive thrown at him to the 't'.
This wasn't about him. This was about making sure Kurt was safe; wasn't as broken as he had appeared after what had nearly happened between them... Been forced upon them, he corrected in his mind.
God he wanted to fucking KILL that son of a bitch with his bare hands!
He followed the routine. He had already missed group but every other portion of his day, he entertained, knowing that Kurt would be there. Even that god awful Craft bull shit.
Puck was surprised for two reasons upon entering the Arts room. One: No Kurt. Two: Jacob, sitting alone while staring out the nearest window looking oddly vague. He caught sight of Mercedes biting her lip, sitting next to that damn big lipped McConaughey impersonator who was quietly whispering to her. He made it over to the pair who abruptly halted their ministrations.
"Hey," Puck spoke softly.
Mercedes catches his eye, and gives him maybe the only warm smile she had ever directed at him before.
"Hey. Do you-do you wanna sit with us?"
"Sure." He plucks up a chair and folds his hands on the table. He doesn't make eye contact with her, but he feels her eyes trained on him, full of apprehension.
"Kurt, he-"
"He's not here," he supplies without thought.
"Um. No. He wasn't at group either. We heard he'd been in the quiet room."
Sam swallows and finishes where she leaves off, his hand stilling on the modeling clay he had been squishing absent mindedly in between his fingers. "My room mate said that he'd been taken to see Dr. Schuester. I'm not sure if he's still there or not. You know how the quiet room can be. Sometimes, it's... ya know, too much for people."
Puck's gaze darkens, searing into Sam's hazel orbs.
"Are you sure? That he was taken to Dr. Schuester?"
Sam's adam's apple bobs as he swallows again under Puck's dark glare. "Yeah, dude. Carl, my room mate; he said he saw him go in there on the way for his meds."
Puck breathes a sigh of relief. The growing tightness he felt bubbling in his gut instantly subsiding. He notices Jacob still staring out the window. Puck nods toward him.
"What's up with him?"
Mercedes shrugs, her modeling clay long forgotten, sitting in a mushed pile of mess in front of her.
"Not sure. Tina was in here earlier. She tried talking to him but he just... Sat there. She got upset and left."
Puck huffs and stares at the figure huddled in the corner. Eventually after a minute of observation, he stands and pulls up a chair next to the dweeb.
"What's your deal Israel?"
Clearly hearing himself referred to by his actual name had startled Jacob out of his silent revery, at least for a moment, as he had turned his head ever so slightly, staring blankly at Puck for a milisecond, then returned his gaze to the window.
"Leave me alone Puckerman."
His voice sounded lifeless. Dead to Puck's ears.
"Since when have I ever taken orders from you Jew stain?"
No response. Okay, his old intimidation bit was easily lost on this shell of a boy sitting closed off from him and the world. He'd have to go for another approach.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Puck's voice sounded strange to his own ears. Like he actually felt empathy. It was weird, and gross. But at the moment he didn't care. Once again, Jacob would serve as a distraction for his own anxiety and desparation. Even if he went and dragged Kurt from Dr. Schuester's office, what was he supposed to say? Would he even be able to look him in the eye after what had happened? Maybe it was better to just give him space for a bit. Let Dr. Schue try to reach the kid since he was sure he would fail miserably himself. He barely registers that Jacob was now speaking.
"I'm leaving tomorrow."
Puck scowls, uncertain where this is going. "So, what's bad about that? This place is like a fuckin' prison?"
"This place - this place is comfortable. I like it here."
"S'that why you looked like somebody stole your secret stash of sock nickles or some shit? You don't want to leave?"
Jacob shakes his head.
"I'm not going home when I leave. I'm going to live with him."
Puck feels slightly unsettled by the contemptous tone, not one he would ever associate with someone as normally mild mannered as Jacob usually was.
"Who?"
"My Dad."
Puck chuckles without humor. "What does he slap you around or somethin'?"
"No. He just... He hates me."
Something about the way he says it seems to bare the kid's soul. Every shattered piece and shard of pain stabbing outward with each breathy word.
"I-I can't live there. Not with him. But my Mom says I c-can't go back with her. Not while she's still working things out with Ted. She can't handle me staying there right now. So I have to go live with him."
Puck strains to recall Jacob's story; why he was here exactly. He just thought of him as some kid who had been picked on at school for his nerdish ways until he couldn't take it anymore; until his esteem had been ground into dust at his loafered feet. He had never really asked. But now he has the feeling that there was much more to his story.
"What about the Goth chi - I mean, Tina?"
Jacob seems to stiffen, then breathes out a shaky sigh. "She won't be out of here for at least another few months. She's better off. I-I don't know what I'll be like by then, if I ever even see her again."
Puck feels genuinely sad for the dude. He was devastated. That much was obvious. Puck takes in a deep breath and just as he exhales, comes to a strange decision that somehow just feels right.
"Look I don't know what kind of shit you had to deal with or what you'd have in store now with your Pops. But whatever it is, no matter how fucked up or crazy, there's always something worth fightin' through it for."
Jacob looks at him fully then, a teary glisten emerging from behind his glasses.
Puck continues resolutely. "Maybe she's it."
Then something else even more unexpected happens.
"I know what it's like. To go through what feels like endless shit. I think though, all that crap, made me realize how much I really love him. How much I want to be there for him."
Jacob looks startled at this revelation, but his eyes carry an understanding of sorts. Puck doesn't have to spell out who the him is. Jacob just seems to know.
"So, er-you're sort of like... Gay, now?"
Puck grins widely. "For him? I'm the biggest fudge packer around."
Jacob releases a nervous chuckle. Puck was certain that the insults were coming. This person, his once regular prey; Puck was sort of at his mercy. But Puck couldn't help but admit to himself how good it felt to finally be honest with someone. To actually say the words aloud on his own terms.
"Go figure. No wonder you were always so angry. Being in love, and not being able to express it... It kind of sucks."
Puck pauses, considering this. 'In love'. Is that what this was?
"Yep. That it does Fro. That it does."
And Puck had never felt more grateful to a person for not giving him shit when the opportunity was so very available, probably dangerously enticing. He actually respected this kid in all his dweebish glory.
"Course that doesn't exactly account for all the times you were kind of an asshole before he came here."
Puck snorts and claps Jacob on the shoulder good naturedly. "Nah. But I had to keep busy in here somehow dude."
Jacob had flinched a bit at Puck's gesture, but then relaxed when he gleened the grin accompanying it. He nodded with a wry grin of his own, his eyes looking a little more bright, and a lot less vacant.
"Thanks Puckerman. See ya around."
"Later Israel."
Jacob re-adjusts his glasses as he stands, then exits wordlessly. Puck continues to sit near the window, thinking as his eyes trace over the scenery outside the window.
Life outside of here. What would it be like for him?
Hell, if he played his cards right, what would it be like for them?
He made it for another ten minutes before he burst out the door and sped as fast as he could manage with a bum knee, toward Dr. Schue's office. Puck couldn't find the strength to wait anymore.
Once he made it, he pounded on the door in a rush.
Dr. Schue flung the door open with wide eyes. "Puckerman. What're you doing? Aren't you due in the Arts room now?"
"Yeah," He gulped down a large breath, trying to refill his lungs and regain composure enough to form coherent speech. "I - I - Need - Wh-where's Kurt?"
"Um, Kurt Hummel? He just left about twenty minutes ago."
Puck felt the panic rising, taking over his body.
"He went back to his dorm. I thought it was best if he rested today."
Panic. Holy crap it was drowning him.
"What? Who-who took him? Who took him back?"
Dr. Schuester was starting to be effected by the wild look in Puck's eyes as his mouth formed a thin line. His gray eyes growing concerned.
"Gavin. But then... Hey! Puckerman! Puck?"
Puck didn't register anything else. He would kill him, simple as that. This time if he touched him there was no turning back.
When he rounded the corner to Kurt's dorm however, he was surprised to find -
"Jerry?"
"Hey kid."
"I thought, I thought that -"
"I figured you might be stoppin' by. I offered to take him myself. Think Gavin's been workin' a little too hard. So he's off for the day."
Puck felt that there was something else underlying Jerry's admission but he didn't question it.
"Is he in there?"
Jerry nodded. Puck didn't miss the sympathy etched in his expression. The hint of grim understanding in his controlled smirk.
"Can I - Can I see him?"
Jerry eyes him carefully, his expression neutral.
"Please." Puck adds with as much sincerity as he could muster.
Jerry sighs, then nods. "But you only get a few minutes. And I'll be standing right outside the door."
Puck is almost about to argue but then gathers how much of a favor any time at all actually is to him.
"Thank you."
"Don't waste it, kid."
Puck pushes the door forward and closes it with a soft click. Kurt is in his bed, contorted into a tight ball, facing away from the door.
"Kurt?"
The other boy remains silent. Puck moves toward the bed and carefully deposits himself on the edge. It takes every fiber of his being to not reach out and touch the crumpled frame.
"Kurt. Can you please - Please just look at me."
Silence. Puck decides that he can't sit idely by while Kurt continues to suffer within himself. He kneels down in front of Kurt and cups his cheeks, forcing him to look into his eyes.
"Hey. You can't do this. I won't let you."
Kurt is staring, his eyes red and puffy. He remains silent.
"Don't do this to me Kurt. I need you. I need you with me."
Kurt just stares, his blue eyes now leaking fresh tears. Puck grabs his shoulders and shakes, hoping to jar some sort of reaction.
"Kurt! Please!" He hisses frantically. Puck finally unleashes his shoulders and turns away, his body now leaning up against the bed frame as he sits in a defeated heap on the floor.
The silence is eating away at his soul. He can feel his eyes grow warm with moisture.
"I remember how I used to feel after my Mom's boyfriend beat the shit outta me. Pain. Physical hurt and just... sadness. Like I was nothing. But I remember feeling so much worse on the nights my Mom didn't come home. Or I found her high, laid up on the couch or spread out on the bathroom floor. She looked like a rag doll; no thoughts, no love behind her eyes. And each time, it was like a little piece of who I was, who I could've been, got sucked out until all that was left was this angry, piece of shit kid who hated the world."
Puck pauses, swallowing a sob he feels beginning to constrict his throat.
"I know what it feels like to be broken. To feel completely worthless. I thought I would always feel that way... Until I met you."
He smiles sadly to himself. "You gave me something that felt worth enduring all that bull shit for. As cliche as it may sound, you give me hope. You make me feel whole for the first time since I was a kid."
Puck bites his lip, trying to keep the tears at bay. "I know how I treated you before. But I was scared. I was terrified of what I was feeling. And instead of just admitting it to myself, I pushed it away like I always do. But I know now. I get it. And I see you too Kurt. Not some used up boy toy, or a whore, or any other thing you've probably convinced yourself that you are."
The warmth traces over his cheeks. He grins as the wetness runs over his trembling lips.
"You're an honest, person - an honest man - with a heart bigger than this entire place, so big it swallows people up and gives them a reason to just be. You don't do that for just me. I hope you know that. I meant it when I said you were special Kurt. Because you are. You're beautiful and too good for me. But if you'll let me. I'll do my best to give you all of me. No matter how flawed and stupid and retarded I am. I can promise you that."
"I love you. I - I'm in love with you."
Puck rises and kisses Kurt on the cheek, brushing back his bangs. Kurt closes his eyes at the feel of Puck's lips on his heated skin, but says nothing.
When Puck closes the door, Jerry shoots him a look of concern, silently reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. Puck lets him, wiping the tears away with the back of his hand.
"I'll keep an eye on him. Alright, kid?"
Puck feels himself stiffen, a sudden urge to break down completely. Jerry's hold becomes firmer, more pressured. Puck can't stand it. It's all too much...
And then he pulls Jerry into a hug, which the other man graciously returns. It's another fifteen minutes before Puck pulls away, and manages to retreat out of sight, his very soul burning with defeat and desparation.