Act 1, Scene 14
A hilltop. First JD and then Sayid, Hurley, Charlie and Sawyer pass the camera.
JD: (voice-over) I guess it was pretty cool we were on this life-or-death expedition into the unknown to try to save everyone. But I wasn't letting myself get carried away.
Flash. Same shot as before (everyone passing in front of the camera) except now we have a distinctly copyright-infringing Middle-Earth flavour to proceedings; it is, in fact, a shot-for-shot copy of the scene in 'The Fellowship of the Ring' where the Fellowship scale the hilltop in slow-motion. Sawyer is Aragorn, Hurley is Samwise, Sayid is Frodo, and JD makes an extremely over-the-top Gandalf the Grey, complete with flowing beard and wizarding staff. He stops atop the hillside.
JD / GANDALF: My wizard-sense is tingling, kinsfolk playas. I think we should rest here.
SAWYER / ARAGORN: (in a heavily Texas-flavoured English accent) Wise counsel, Mithrandir ol' boy. This here looks like a mighty apt place to rest our asses.
SAYID / FRODO: (bitterly)So who gets to carry the weapon of mass destruction? The Arab. Oh thank you very much. You'll be hearing from my attorney over this.
HURLEY / SAM: Hush, Mr Frodo dude. Your Sam's here. I won't leave your side. Unless you, you know, go nuts. In which case I am outta here.
There is a pause. Everyone turns to look at Charlie, who is dressed as…Merry. He stands there for a long moment, looking down at himself.
CHARLIE / MERRY: Anyone else have déjà vu…?
End-of-fantasy flash. JD is looking at Charlie.
CHARLIE: Look, I get it. You liked my band. Can you stop staring at me, please?
JD: No it was just that you look…um…you know what, doesn't even matter.
The group pass through the forest. JD is regaling them with stories.
JD: …and this other time, Dr. Cox was like-
SAYID: Forgive me for interrupting, Doctor…
CHARLIE: (obviously not wanting any more stories)I'll forgive you.
HURLEY: Yeah man, we all forgive you. Dude, is there a day goes past in your hospital where you don't learn some life lesson?
JD: (hurt) It's a special place.
SAYID: …if I may continue? Thank you. I don't wish to alarm anyone but I believe there's something quite close to us.
SAWYER: Ali's right. Over there. Large sonofabitch whatever it is.
JD: May…maybe it's another survivor.
SAWYER: (darkly)Yeah, and maybe it's the thing that eats survivors.
CHARLIE: Anyone vote for going back?
HURLEY: Motion seconded over here.
JD: C'mon guys we can't go back at the first…um, sign of a man-eating monster.
CHARLIE: We can't?
HURLEY: Seems to me like the ideal time to go back, dude.
CHARLIE: Sort of pre-empts the whole "eaten" stage.
SAWYER: Well now. I am just breathtaken by the bravery of my fellow adventurers. You boys go back if you want to. I'm gettin off this damn island.
He moves forward a little, and as soon as he does so the distant presence in the trees roars, and with a series of thunderous crashes begins charging toward them.
CHARLIE: (horrified)Oh bollocks…
JD: Motion seconded…
They're about to turn tail and flee when Sawyer produces a handgun he had secreted about himself and fires at the source of the oncoming noise. Again. And again. And again.
It bursts through into the clearing in which they're standing – a massive eight-foot tall polar bar, teeth bared, arms outstretched…
Another shot. The bear whuffs weakly and tumbles to the ground, crashing over itself in a tangle of arms and legs before coming to a motionless, boneless halt.
SAWYER: (whoops) Alright! Sawyer 1, Island zilch!
JD: It's a bear.
CHARLIE: A big bear.
HURLEY: A big white bear.
SAYID: Where did you get the gun?
SAWYER: Got me a lot of things. Don't see I need a permission slip from you, Daddy.
SAYID: You had a gun and you hid it from us?
SAWYER: Damn right I did. Hey am I missing something or did I just save our asses from this…this…
JD: …polar bear.
SAWYER: …polar…yeah. (pause) Polar bear?
SAYID: It can't be. In the Pacific Ocean?
JD / CHARLIE / HURLEY: It's a polar bear.
Sayid moves a little closer – cautiously – and gives the motionless giant a quick and disbelieving once-over before shaking his head in wonder.
SAYID: This is impossible.
HURLEY: Dude, big freakin' monsters stomping down trees are impossible. A polar bear in the Pacific is just odd compared to that.
JD: (dramatically) Guys…where are we?
A hand drops on his shoulder, causing him to scream like a girl.
JANITOR: You're standing right here. Stop me if I'm going too fast.
JD: You! You're supposed to be paralyzed!
JANITOR: (shrugs)Island musta cured me.
JD: Oh yeah, like that could happen.
JANITOR: So, where we going?
JD: It's not important-
CHARLIE: We're going to find the cockpit. To get the transceiver.
JANITOR: Good.
JD: Yes and we really should be going-
HURLEY: Dude, you'd better come with us. There are polar bears. It's not safe.
JANITOR: Come with you? Gee, you think I could?
JD: No!
SAYID: (surprised look at JD)Of course you can.
The Janitor lowers his head and bites his lip, as if overcome with gratitude to the point of tears. JD however isn't falling for one second of it.
JD: He…he'll just find some way to humiliate me! You don't know what he's capable of!
CHARLIE: JD, he's just trying to help.
JANITOR: Hey say there, aren't you the guy from Driveshaft?
CHARLIE: Well…(grins) yes I am actually.
JANITOR: Lead on, fellas.
He turns to JD. Flash. We see the Janitor's face superimposed with the Eye of Sauron in the centre of his forehead.
JANITOR: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA…
End-of-fantasy flash.
JD: Damn you, dark lord…