Disclaimer: I've yet to receive a check, so I still don't own anything.

FIGHT!

YouTube is quiet a peculiar place. You can view and download videos on just about anything and everything. For instance, instructional computer videos showing you how to replace your hard drive that met an untimely and painful death. It looks easy enough. The guy said so. Unfortunately, I did not have a happy ending. I guess we all have our limitations.

Or how about those make-up tutorials? I have to say, I was a rather stunning drag queen that Halloween year. If my Adam's apple wasn't so visible and pronounced, I know I would have gotten a callback. Cher had nothing on me!

And don't get me started on the cat videos. I've fallen prey to "Cat Loop Video" syndrome from time to time. Gaps of my time lost to hours and hours of kitten shenanigans. It's unexplainable how addictive cute and cuddly kittens can be to people.

Why?

But it does remind me I need to make sure I tape the Kitten Bowl-Super Bowl next weekend.

YouTube can be very disturbing, too. People doing the most asinine shit, basically reinforcing they should be omitted from the gene pool. Plane crashes, natural disasters, political speeches…you know, truly horrific events.

But what we are about to watch, YouTube pales in comparison. I take that back. Maybe it's more like a train wreck. You know it's going to end traumatically but you can't look away. You have to see it to the end.

This is one of those moments.

The Round One matches look like they could promise so much more.

Damn it. I know I'm going to have to testify in court.

Maybe my therapist can get me out of it. I should work on an eye twitch. I bet YouTube has a video on it.

"Blind men fighting gorilla beasts doesn't seem right guys. Is it even legal? I think the rule book should be more specific about eligibility requirements and tournament structure."

"Yes, I agree, Appius. But look around. What have we witnessed in the last hour seems remotely legal or sane? Minus the monkeys. You can't buy that kind of talent anywhere." Maybe they'd consider performing at our wedding? Little dancing monkey mariachis? Sombreros? Genius!

"Sookie, about the monkeys?"

"No."

"You don't even know what I was going to say." Don't you roll your eyes at me, woman.

"No."

"Two words, Sookie. Monkey. Mariachis."

"Oh. Okay." We have a winner! And I just booked the venue. Ha!

Now about a caterer…

"Let's go find some seats with a decent view. I need to see some real blood and crying soon. I'm starting to get the shakes."

I wonder if Pam was this disturbing as a child.

"Ladies and gentleman…and judges. Welcome to the first round of the First Annual Louisiana Dodgeball Tournament of Death. Oh, excuse me. I've been informed that the 'death' part is purely optional but greatly appreciated."

Thanks, Shatner.

I can't believe they want to repeat this shit next year. There is no fucking way they can get the permits for this shit again.

Where did she put my sharpie?

"We've had a slight altercation between Mr. Quinn and Mr. Alcide. Apparently, there was baby oil and a pointy shoe involved…so they will not be returning today. Let me introduce you to our new commentators. We have part-time mall cop Cotton "My Shirt's Too Tight" Bellefluer and part-time Costco security and full-time scotch tape collector, Pepper "Stan" Davidowitz!"

"Thank you, William. Competitors, take your positions on the court. Meaty guys, I believe it's best to face the center of the court inside of the back wall. It's just a suggestion. Blind ninja people, did you sign the liability form and next of kin notification?"

"Very helpful, Cotton. Very helpful."

"Thank you, Pepper."

"Okay, boys and beasts. On the count of 3…3, 2, 1…fight!"

"Do those guys have throwing stars?"

Uh-oh. I think you're correct, Laf.

"I can't watch!"

"Open your eyes, Appius! You're going to miss it all!"

Holy Shit! What just happened? Is it over?

Where did the smoke bombs come from?

Where are the ninjas?

As the smoke settles and the chaos dies down, we see the Meaty men lying unconscious with throwing stars lodged in their legs.

It all took less than a minute. That's impressive.

Vader monkey is counting them out.

"Throwing stars? Throwing stars! Of course! I should have known throwing stars would work better than screwdrivers. For our next training session, I'll try them out. Clancy, you're fully healed, correct?"

I'm retired!

Where's my sharpie?!

Where did the blind ninjas go?

"Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of our first match and with a new tournament record winning time…We Can Still Hear You!"

"Pepper, I'm getting word that we've located We Can Still Hear You. It appears they became disorientated after their smoke bomb show, took a wrong turn at the concession stands and are currently having a discussion with the zoo animals in the lobby. We'll have someone retrieve them for Round 2."

"I hope they don't bet the lions, Cotton."

"Now that the blood is cleaned up, let's welcome our next competitors. Welcome to the court the tiny terrors of Spock's sperm and Willy Wonka's leftovers…The Vulcan Oompas! Muskrats, make sure your velcro is secure on your light-up sneakers, please. We can't have one of your baby shoes flying into the crowd. The monkeys have tuck taped our one EMT to a pole outside, so we're on our own."

"Bummer, Cotton."

"Correct, Pepper. We are living on the edge."

"Cotton, let's give a giddy up to the geezers from down the street…Greener Pastures! Alright folks, how about you kick those walkers into 5th gear. The lions are getting restless."

Why are the old folks putting chocolate bars in their fanny packs?

"Pepper, this looks like this could be even bloodier then the last match. Our competitors look riled up. The Oompas are growling and hissing. The geriatric group are throwing hand gestures very unbecoming of the elderly."

"The match hasn't even started, Cotton! This match will not be over quickly. We are told that geezers might have a secret weapon. We'll have to wait and see. Here comes Shatner to start the festivities."

"Let's try to keep it clean folks. We're running out of cleaning wipes. Vulcan-Oompas, are you ready? Greener Pastures, are you ready? On the count of 3…3, 2, 1…fight!"

Oh sweet Jesus. Both teams have abandoned their dodgeballs. It's a cage match, street fight.

Yeah! Now we're talking!

"Uh oh. The crossed-eyed Oompas appears to be biting grandpa's ankles, Pepper. That's going to leave a mark."

"Now the Children of the Corn are ripping off the tennis balls from the walkers! Brilliant strategy, Cotton."

"I believe they are aiming their throws at the old timers' hips. It's getting dirty out there."

"Pepper, it appears grandpa is pissed. It looks like they are disassembling their own walkers? I'm at a loss on the strategic advantage this will bring to them."

"It appears that the geezers might be suffering from low-blood sugar levels. They are taking out chocolate bars from their fanny packs, Cotton. I fear this will only slow them down in their efforts to fight off the ankle-biters."

"Now they're throwing the chocolate bars across the court? Even to the judges! Strange guerrilla warfare tactics, indeed."

"The Oompas look distracted. Cotton, the Oompas are going crazy for Coco Puffs! The level of strategic out-maneuvering is outstanding. The Oompas are at their will, completely enthralled by the creamy bars of chocolate goodness."

"Our judges seem distracted, as well. Mini-me and Fat Bastard are trying to hoard a pile of their own, Pepper."

"Settle down, Mini-me."

"Fuck you, you fat bastard," as Fat Bastard points to himself.

"Not you. The other one, Douchbag Shatner! Don't you have a commercial to shoot? Don't you need to book a hotel?"

"Don't hate, tiny muffin! So you lost the gnome spot in my commercial. Get over it!"

"Fucking cock-sucking gnome! I rocked that red hat. Rocked it! But it's okay. I'm over it. I just took a little trip to Home Depot. He'll never find his family again."

"Teeny tiny baby, he still has family at Lowe's."

"Fat Bastard, stop eating all my candy!"

"Pepper, it appears the Oompas are clutching their stomachs and puckering their butt cheeks?"

Why are the old guys retreating?

"Cotton, we may have a situation on our hands."

I don't think those were regular chocolate bars.

"Pepper, it looks like a diaper change is in order."

"Cotton, we have an Oompa down! They're dropping like flies!"

THE SMELL! What did they eat?

"The smell! Clean up on isle 1, Pepper! Does anyone have a cork or twenty?"

Wait, didn't Fat Bastard eat the chocolate? Mother of God.

The carnage.

"Ladies and gentleman, can I have your attention? We will have an hour intermission while the court and judge areas are cleaned and sanitized. Commentators and personnel located too close to the crime scene will be back after they shower and do a wardrobe change. Thank you."

Yeah, thanks, Shatner.

So gross.

A/N I know it's been forever but better late than never? I'll post Ch.9 in two weeks.

Thank you all for reading.

TMart