We have an hour.

One hour.

We have to play a game against a bunch of blind men.

Blind men who think they are, and possibly were in a past life, ninjas.

In just one hour.

One hour…before sentenced to hell after our deaths…because we played a stupid game where we threw balls at blind people.

Ain't this some shit?

Sookie owes me a dog, too. Maybe a teacup Pomeranian or a Mastiff - something along those lines. I will name it, Chewbacca.

Where's the fucking Sharpie?

"Okay, people. We don't want to end up having to do Community Service after all this is said and done. And I don't want protests outside my gym for beating blind people, either. Of course, that's assuming that we could beat them but we're going to assume we can and aim high on this one."

"Is this a pep talk? I've never had a pep talk before?"

"I saw this is a movie once, Appius. I believe chanting was involved."

"Stan, are you talking about the movie, The Craft? I thought they were witches or some angry Goth teenage girls. Those home-girls needed a hockey puck sized Midol pill."

What is wrong with these people?

"No, Laf. I think Stan is referring to the movie, The Replacements. You know with Keanu Reeves. You know, John Wick – Keanu Reeves. Tough and adorable, Keanu Reeves."

"Yes, Sookie! We know who he is!" I swear my baby mama is trying to give me a complex.

"Deep breathe, Eric. In the movie, there were a few of these inspirational moments. I believe Eric will attempt to create a talk intended to make us feel more courageous or enthusiastic."

"I thought that's what the beers were for?"

"Where did you get the beer, Clancy?"

Don't point at me! Geez, people.

"It seemed like an appropriate beverage at the time. It would have helped with the enthusiastic portion of my speech?"

Don't give me that look. You know how it scares me.

"Look. We're going to have to be smart about this match. As much as Pam would like for us to take complete advantage of our opponents' vision challenges, I have to be able to sleep at night."

"I agree." Thank you, baby mama. I will forgive you for the Keanu comment for the moment.

"All of you disappoint me. Have I not taught you anything this week? I told you I could be back in 20 minutes. I know where to get the throwing stars. I just Googled it. Surprisingly, they're very easy to obtain. I don't know how I missed this? But whatever. That is beside the point. The point is – throwing stars against throwing stars. All is fair in no love and war. How can you not see this? What is wrong with you people?"

"Maybe you should have my beer, Pam."

She needs about a 12-pack more, Clancy.

"I do agree with Pam about one thing. Since they can't see us, we should take advantage of their best advantage."

"I don't see how the smoke bombs can help us, Eric."

"Do you mean we need to stretch more? I'd hate to get a Charlie Horse."

These people are giving me a headache.

"Their ninja attire does look more comfortable. Even those bootie-sock things they wear."

"Why do you keep smacking your forehead, Eric? It's getting red."

Sookie…Sookie…Sookie. I running out of space on my shirt and I think my Sharpie is almost out of ink.

"As interesting as those ideas are, that's not the strategic angle I'm aiming for. We going to have to take advantage of their one superior sense. And don't say common sense because we're all here for this fucking tournament and that shit got checked at the door. What we're going to do issss…I'm pausing for effect…we are going to generate the most obscene noise distraction ever created by man. I'm talking about a full-blown N'Sync/One Direction concert brought back from the depths of hell and puberty. I'm talking a full exorcism!"

"Pam, you're going to bruise your forehead if you keep hitting it against the wall like that," said Sookie.

"I could do a liquor run for you if you like?" You're catching on, Clancy.

"Alright. Appius, do you have your tapping shoes?"

"Yes. I always keep a couple of pairs in the trunk of my car. You never know when you might need them."

"Okay. I've got a list of a few items we'll need for our plan. Everyone get an item from the list and meet back in 30 minutes. Bojangles, you better start stretching. You're about to put on the performance of a lifetime."

"Look out Broadway! I'm coming back!"

"Did everyone get their items?"

"Yes!"

"Appius, here's your maracas and castanets."

"Oh! I'm doing a Latin number. Intriguing!"

"Everyone, here's your packets of candy Pop Rocks. Try not to choke and make sure your mouths are opened wide."

"That sounded dirty." Later, lover.

"Laf and Clancy. Here are your packs of firecrackers and matches. Remember you want to throw them behind the ninjas and not just in front of them. If you can throw packs at a time that would be more effective."

"That's a really big box of firecrackers."

"Oh, I forgot. Here's your duck and goose callers. Try to use them at all times."

"Cool!"

"Sookie, per your request, here are our pop guns. I believe you wanted several, along with holsters and leg straps. Save me a few, please."

"I've always wanted to be a John Wick!"

"I've got some party poppers, too."

"Yay!"

"Stan, I got you a couple of…what the hell is that noise?"

"It's the Big Foot mating call."

"Okay, I'll go along with this one. How do you know that it is in fact a Big Foot mating call?"

"Yeah, it kind of sounds like my car's windshield wipers."

"Pam, you really should stop hitting your head against the wall."

"Eric, it is in fact the Big Foot mating call. I learned about it on an episode of Castle. Actually, it was one of my most favorite episodes ever – The Fast and The Furriest. There was this gorilla named Moonshine that kind of had it out for Castle. I agreed with Castle, that gorilla did look suspicious…"

"Stan! Focus. Okay, use the big Foot mating call whatever noise. Here's a couple of clappers, too. If anything else, the ninjas will be too distracted trying to figure you out. Just a heads up, you might end up being the sacrificial lamb on this one. So, thank you ahead of time."

"You're welcome."

"When Shatner or one of those crazy commentators starts the match, just go all out. Full throttle. If anyone is feeling gassy, let them rip. Whatever works. Remember to keep low. They'll being throwing something at us and it will not be one of those rubber balls."

God, I never thought I'd say that sentence.

"Remember, the firecrackers have to be thrown in front and behind them. If you can let a few slip under Fat Bastard, we could use that to our advantage, too."

"I have some Vicks Vapor rub. Put a little under your nose and you will not smell a thing. I learned about it in a gross anatomy class I audited once."

"Thank you, Pam. That was very helpful."

"Why did you audit a class like that?!"

"Clancy, I had to know exactly where to aim the screwdrivers. My aim has to have a purpose."

"On that disturbing note, let's get ready. The match is going to start in a minute."

"Listen up, my bitches. I will give the war cry when I've determined that our opponents have been adequately distracted. Once you hear my battle cry, you can commence with your passive-aggressive pussy finishing moves. I would like to, once again, formally file my objection to this bizarre and unsportsmanlike game tactic. It goes against my code of ethics as a Hall Of Famer and as a warrior princess. To not see blood on the battle field is to not have experienced a battle."

"Your petition has been noted and filed in the I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck pile, Pam."

"I'm starting to like you, Eric. It makes me feel ill."

"Alright guys. Stay low, be quick and pray to God and all the puppies and kittens that no one is video-tapping this shit. Son of a bitch! I knew I forgot something. I forgot the Halloween masks."

Now people will know who I am.

You know, Office Depot had the Sharpie 4-pack on sale. But I thought…"Why would I need FOUR Sharpies?" It's only one afternoon. I mean how much altering would my jersey even need today?

I digress.

"Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. We appreciate everyone returning after our brief intermission. The arena was ventilated and management made a few stops to our local Bath & Body Works stores. The candles are courtesy of my 20% off coupons. You're welcome."

Stop waving, Shatner. We need to get this over with quickly.

"Pepper and Cotton will be returning for our next match. They are still cleaning up. Unfortunately, they were in direct line to Fat Bastard and are still digging out his waste from their crevasses. The power washing should be complete any moment."

That was too much information.

I hope they get hazard pay.

"Returning from their visit to our Wild Kingdom in the lobby…let us welcome back to the ring…I Can Still Hear You!"

Please let this work.

Please let this work.

Dear Lord, did Appius put a fruit hat on?

This will either be an epic fail or something to tell the grandkids about down the road.

"Folk lets welcome our next group of contestants. Trained by the illustrious Hall Of Famer, Pam O'Houilihan and dragged in kicking and screaming…Pam's Bitches!"

THAT is NOT the introduction we needed today!

This day just gets better and better.

I have one beer left and I will chuck it down, right now.

"Okay, people. Everyone locked and loaded? Critter Callers, ready? Clappers, ready? Pop Rock packets open? Lighters and firecrackers, ready? Appius, you strapped in and tied up?"

"Ready, Eric. This will my performance of a lifetime. The best of my career."

"Remember, low and quick."

"That's what she said."

"Sookie, now is not the time."

"Remember, when you hear Pam yelling some crazy talk, commence operation 'Bowling for Ninjas'."

PUT HARD LINE HERE

"Alright contestants. Line up. Ninjas, are you ready? Bitches, are you ready?"

Suck it, Shatner.

"One the count of 3…1, 2, 3…FIGHT!"

"Appius, dance monkey!" Pam yells.

"Folks, I don't think I've ever witnessed anything quite like what we're watching right now. It appears Pam's Bitches have forgotten they're in a dodgeball tournament and are instead reliving their delinquent youth. Although, fruit hat guy in the back does remind me of a tapping dancing dog routine I once saw in Moscow. However, fruit hat guy does appear to be kicking it into high gear. He's giving Fred Flintstone a run for his money with all his footwork action."

Go, Appius, go!

"What's with all the ruckus? Is that a duck caller? Does someone need their windshield wipers replaced?"

"Stop making that damn Big Foot mating call, Stan! Balls and clappers! Balls and clappers!"

Pam, stop distracting him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it appears the ninjas may be confused. I'm sorry Ninjas but you will need to take a number."

"Laf! Clancy! Let them fly!"

"OMG! My Heart! We're under attack, folks. The Klingons found me! I'm having hot flashes! Book a hotel, people!"

This might actually work!

"It appears the ninjas are becoming disorientated. Oh no! Now they're throwing stars in every direction! Duck!"

This is the next level of guerilla warfare. If I could figure out how to work water balloons into this, I think I might enjoy this game.

"Crowd, we've got two blond –haired Pam's Bitches going Matrix on the ninjas. The smaller little girl seems to really be getting into her gun action."

Smaller girl?! We're not two girls, you dick! I'm all man, asshole!

"Laf, give me a brick of firecrackers. Shatner needs to get lit. Throw some over at the judges, too."

Take that, Shatner!

"OMG! The Klingons! I think I've soiled myself! Medic! I need a baby wipe."

Ha!

"Dear God, people. The judges have gone wild! Mini-Me is doing an impression of a jumping bean. Norris is in his fighting stance dodging throwing stars. No one is safe! A throwing star has just punctured Fat Bastard. He's sprung a leak. Oh no! The fumes. The candles might not hold, folks."

"KILL THEM ALL!" Pam yells.

"Son of a bitch! Why do I keep getting stabbed in my thighs? There's a whole room full of people! Stop stabbing me, damn it!"

"Operation Ninja Bowling!"

"Ladies and gentlemen. Instead of throwing the balls, Pam's Bitches are rolling the balls! It's The Children's Marbles Fighting Technique. I've only read about this tactic being used as a last resort. I've never witnessed this kind of slipping and sliding in an early tournament match!"

"For the love of God, Appius. Roll it harder. You have to drip them with it!"

"Folks, the ninjas have either knocked themselves out with a ball or a fellow teammate. Pam's Bitches have won! OMG! They've won! Those bitches won! It's amazing!"

"Pam! Handle Shatner."

"And it's not even my birthday."

"Medic! I've taken a screwdriver to the buttock! 911!"

Thank you for taking the time to read this crazy story. I appreciate it. Leave me a review. I'm interested to know what you think.

The next update will be in two weeks…Bill's match against the elderly of Greener Pastures.

Until then,

TMART