It was cloudy outside that day. The rain swelling in the clouds, the hospital tinged in a quiescent, almost forboding atmosphere.
Kurt had felt weird. Something was just... Off. He felt it.
The reasoning became clear when Dr. Schuester asked to meet him in an impromptu session. Kurt noted that Jerry hadn't left Dr. Schue's office as he normally would once he had escorted him. He simply closed the door, and leaned against the wall, attempting almost comically to blend in. Kurt said nothing about this strange development and turned to look into Dr. Schue's gray orbs.
"Dr. Schue?"
"Kurt... I-"
Kurt was beginning to feel slightly panicked. Dr. Schuester was struggling to find the right words. He never struggled to find the right words. Kurt felt the lump forming in his throat, the tears welling fast.
"Noah - He - He's gone Kurt."
All he could feel was the beat of his heart. His ears didn't seem to be working right. Like the sound was screwy; like snowy static on a television screen.
"W-what?"
Dr. Schuester swallows. His eyes are so full of sadness, overflowing with empathy it actually hurts Kurt to look at him.
"Kurt. Noah... Noah's dead."
Kurt's finding it hard to catch his breath. His heart is feeling close to exploding from his chest; words lingering on his tongue, dancing around uselessly waiting to be said.
"I'm so sorry Kurt."
"H-how?" Kurt finally manages to breathe out through the feeling of his body crushing in on itself.
"Kurt I don't think it's a good idea to-"
"How?" Kurt says with more conviction. Dr. Schuester looks over at Jerry, who looks just as lost. He clears his throat, then starts.
"Um. Well, he was - They found him in the showers. He'd been - He was stabbed several times. Five to be exact. Four in the stomach and er - once - in the throat."
Kurt closes his eyes, the image of Noah's broken body flashing in his mind's eye, blood pooling around him as he clung desparately to his wounded neck, gasping for air that wasn't coming...
"W-w-what happened? Why?"
"My understanding is that Noah - Well, he tried to help someone. And some of the inmates, they - they didn't really appreciate that too much."
Kurt opens his eyes, the tears falling thickly as he stares at Dr. Schue in a numb state of shock.
"He stopped another inmate - a man from the Arian brotherhood - from assaulting an African American inmate. The next day, they - the brotherhood retaliated."
He felt it. Kurt knew there was more; could feel it by the glazed look in Dr. Schue's eyes as he seemed to be stealing himself for his next words... He waited.
"He was... Sodomized. By several of them. Then stabbed. It didn't take long. Coroner said he bled out in a matter of minutes."
Kurt was gasping for air now, the panic taking over.
"I'm so, so sorry Kurt," he thought he heard Dr. Schuester say from another time zone, from some other planet that Kurt couldn't quite register.
Kurt falls from the chair, collapsing on his knees as he sobs uncontrollably. He wasn't sure how he had kept it together as long as he had. Perhaps the shock...
"But I think you'll be able to judge for yourself, what, when you end up going to Fairview. And I heard they like to break the one's who think they're the baddest first. Bent, buckled, and swallowing."
Kurt can hear himself saying it. Remembers exactly when he had told Noah those horrible words. And now he was just sick, so fucking sick with himself that he was sure dying must feel better then this... Must be a blissful relief.
He just wants to be with Noah. He needs to be with Noah; to hear him, feel him, kiss him, taste him...
But he can't. And he never will again.
He thinks he recalls being lifted and carried out. Then eventually everything goes black.
It was as if he perpetually lived in the quiet room.
He had even missed Mercedes' departure date. He learned that from Sam when he had stopped by one day, quietly reporting her supposed understanding for his inability to be present for her final day at the Vista Point Behavioral Rehab Center.
"She really wanted to see you, but she understood," He had said.
Understanding...
What a notion that word carried. Did she know? Did any of them really know what he was feeling?
That his heart was bleeding out, and that he couldn't breathe, and that any remaining color in his life had been drained away like old bath water.
Dr. Schuester allowed him to stay here. He didn't have the heart to force him out. At least not after the day Kurt had been found trying to cut himself open with a sculpting knife he had stolen from the Arts room.
After that incident, Kurt was under twenty four hour watch. The first five days he spent crying until it felt like his very soul had all but leaked out of him, leaving a slovenly, broken, and ultimately void entity in its wake.
By day ten, Dr. Schuester had threatened to put him in the health ward on an IV drip if he continued to refuse food regularly... Day eleven saw the return of Kurt taking full meals again. If anything just to avoid having to leave. He never wanted to leave this room.
He heard them. Their attempts to talk to him, report recent developments with Noah's case, try to console him... He heard them all from some far away place in his mind, but he didn't really listen. Not to Mercedes before she'd left, nor Jerry, not Dr. Schuester or even surprisingly enough, that Quinn girl. They were all just words. Words wouldn't fix anything. Words wouldn't bring Noah back.
Day nineteen saw the first shift in his haze of absolute despair.
Dr. Schuester had told him that the day was coming - had said so days before - But of course if had meant nothing to him at the time. Just more useless words babbled through a cell window with no meaning. His expected court appearance was soon to arrive... Right, useless words.
But then the door opened and in stepped Dr. Schue.
"Maybe this will help you reconsider." That was all Schuester had said as Kurt felt the coolness of the paper against the skin of his arm and noted the sound of his cell door clicking shut.
He vaguely plucked up the envelope.
True he'd been inside this room for an extensive amount of time. Obviously it had been too long judging by what he thought he was staring at, which certainly had to be an illusion, some sort of crazed madness being forced into his conscious mind due to overwhelming grief.
The name scrawled across the top left corner stared back at him in an almost mocking way - Inmate 34786990, Noah Puckerman.
It took him another hour before he finally managed to gather enough - well, whatever it took to actually open the damn thing.
The words - There they were. In a messy, teenaged boy's penmanship easily discernable as one Noah Puckerman's. Noah's words were pressed all over the page, slanted and perfect... And just there.
Kurt nearly burst into tears again; tears he thought had long since dried out and were no longer capable of forming. His breath hitched in his throat as he started to read.
Dear Kurt,
I got your letter. I swear I read it over thirty times at least. I was thinking of you. Well, I'm always thinking of you. But this time, it wasn't just you I thought of. It was us. What it could be like with you and I (and yes I put 'you and I' instead of 'me and you' so I could impress you).
I think you know me enough by now to know that I'm a person who lives in the moment. I never think ahead or try to imagine what could be in store for future. But here I am, thinking of what it would be like to live with you, to sleep in the same bed, maybe have an actual 9 to 5, like being a mechanic or something equally crappy (but awesome if it meant I could help take care of you). Maybe we'd live in a little apartment, some studio in a nice neighborhood where you could gay it up with your decorative charm which I've come to appreciate. Maybe you'd finally go to design school like you once told me you wanted and make a living making things beautiful for other people. Yeah, I could totally see it. And I'm not terrified of what I see.
I know right now it's uncertain what may happen. I know that this shit is probably going to trial and I'm likely looking at some real time. I also don't try to kid myself about where I am and who I'm around.
Kurt chokes back a sob as his eyes slide over that particular sentence.
Don't think that I haven't considered the possibility that we may part ways. Hell you might just get bored with waiting and probably find someone else who really deserves you.
Kurt feels a rush of anger at Noah's words, but he continues reading, forcing himself to go on.
But I just wanted to say that no matter what happens, you gave me something that I only ever dreamed of having, that I never thought I would experience or was worthy of before. No matter what happens Kurt, just know that I really loved you, and for me, it was all worth it. I just pray (and I ain't never been religious, just like I know you aren't either, but just go with it - just this once), that you feel that too. Let it be worth it for yourself.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for showing me what it really means to be happy.
Be strong, be courageous, please just be the you - the beautiful man - that I fell in love with, Kurt. Life'll be a breeze if you always hold onto that. Because you are every bit of perfect. As long as you know that in your heart, no one can ever take that away.
Yours (and secretly claiming you as his boyfriend even though I never officially asked),
Noah Anthony Puckerman
It was on day nineteen that he had read the letter, broke down, re-read it, cried harder, read it again, and again, and cried for what felt like days.
But somehow, he felt himself begin to fill up with something else outside of despair. Those words... Those turned out to be the exact words he needed to come across. The words that symbolized a the goodbye he had never gotten face to face.
Perhaps Noah knew. Maybe he felt the ominous presence of something chasing after him; knew that perhaps the clutches of death itself were scraping against the back of his neck with a longing as deep as Pucks' desire to hold Kurt.
Whatever the reason, one Noah Puckerman had given Kurt his final gift: a goodbye.
So in the middle of day twenty, Kurt - for the first time besides being coaxed out long enough to take showers on occasion - was walking out of the quiet room and re-engaging in his normal routine. He didn't take on his normal disposition, wasn't talking or actively participating in the activities such as group or Crafts, but he was still there. He was still present, at least in body.
Slowly he was regaining a little of himself. Piece by piece, until the day came when he was to appear in court regarding Gavin's assault and molestation charges.
When he made his way into the courtroom he was unsurprised to see Dr. Schuester and Jerry, both dressed sharply and sitting on the side of the Prosecution. He was however very surprised when he registered the faces of a familiar young blonde and a short brunette sitting side by side near the Doctor... Quinn: the blonde who had made it her mission to lay claim to Puck like some over-used sex toy, and that Irish kid who had always found his way on the basketball court with Puck despite the numerous slurs about his height disadvantage.
Why did it feel like he was being led to the gallows?
He swallows, sweeping over the courtroom with a searching gaze, trying to not to become too overwhelmed when his blue eyes trace over dark pools spilling over with an intense agitation.
Gavin shoots him his usual sneer, subtle, but noticable for those who had grown accustomed to it. Kurt takes a seat and is sworn in, his hand feeling inexplicably warm as it settles on the bible and he recites the customary oath.
"Mr. Hummel," begins a short, balding man with thick glasses Kurt presumes to be Gavin's attorney. "Can you please point out Mr. Gavin Halsted to the jury."
Kurt raises his finger and points directly at the sneering face, trying to keep himself from shaking.
"Thank you Mr. Hummel. Now please explain to the court how you know Mr. Halsted."
Kurt clears his throat before stuttering out, "H-he works at Vista Point. He's an orderly there."
"I'm sorry. Vista Point?"
"Yes. It's a mental health facility."
"Don't you mean it's a residential mental health institution for seriously disturbed teenagers?"
Kurt nods slowly, trying to resist the bile he felt churning in his stomach.
"I'm sorry Mr. Hummel, is that a 'yes'?"
"Y-yes," He manages to state.
"And you're a patient there correct?"
"Yes."
"Is it safe to say that you're a mentally ill individual?"
"I - I don't... What?"
"Do you need me to repeat the question Mr. Hummel?"
Kurt's anxiety is mounting. He knew this was going to be difficult but now suddenly it was feeling impossible. He was having a hard time maintaining eye contact with the bespectacled man - this attorney - a fucking attorney: just like Steven...
The room is beginning to spin slightly. He registers Dr. Schuester immediately stand and Jerry also react. The court room is beginning to fill with the low rumblings of carried murmurs and whispers. Kurt can't do this. He isn't ready to talk about this with a room full of strangers. He isn't ready to face this strange man who was slowly manifesting into a representation of everything he had ever feared - Oh God what had he been thinking coming here?
He ducks forward, holding the inner rail of the witness stand as he gulps for air. Then he sees it plain as day, dangling off his delicate wrist with twinkle in the flourescent lighting of the court room. A familiar purple, blue, and silver sitting prettily against his pale skin, the word Lady spelled out evenly across the beads.
His face swims in his mind's eye; brown eyes surging with laughter and happiness, his grin spread widely across his face. Noah was staring at him, saying nothing, but everything at the same time.
Kurt smiles at the image, this imaginary figure that was his everything, and takes a deep breath before righting himself on the stand.
That's why he could this. Those shitty dollar store beads was why he knew he had to.
"Mr. Hummel would you care for a short recess in order to collect yourself?"
He shook his head at the Judge's inquiry. "No. I'm fine. Just felt a little dizzy. But I'm okay now."
Jerry is pulling Dr. Schuester back into his seat. Quinn and that Rory boy still share a concerned look but stay seated in poised silence. The Judge nods his consent, an understanding furrow of his graying brow very present, and Gavin's attorney continues.
"Mr. Hummel. I'll ask again. Are you mentally ill?"
"I'm no Doctor or any sort of medical expert. But according to my paperwork and the pills they make me take I would say yes."
A spatter of laughter shoots through the room. Even Dr. Schuester smiles sheepishly, his gray eyes warm as he watches Kurt.
"Of course. I know that you're no trained professional. Just wanted your opinion on the matter. So may I ask what event led you to be a patient at Vista Point?"
Dr. Schuester looks stricken at the question but is obviously trying to somehow exude a sense of reassurance just through eye contact. Kurt swallows thickly and then breathes, "I tried to kill myself."
"Indeed. So it seems that you haven't always been the most stable?"
"I - I think that given the things I've experienced in my life, I just came to a point where that seemed like the only answer at the time. Whether it's deemed stable or not. Everyone has a breaking point."
Silence premeates the atmosphere.
"Hm. Interesting. So can I ask you of the nature of your relationship with a Mr. Noah Puckerman, the man accused of assaulting Mr. Halsted?"
Kurt's heart felt heavy but yet it seemed to speed up, beating incessently. He felt himself begin to shrink.
"Mr. Hummel?"
"H-he was my... Good friend."
"Just friends?"
"I loved him. Very much."
"Were you lovers?"
"Objection!" Shouted the Prosecuting attorney. "The exact nature of Mr. Hummel's relationship is not of consequence -"
"Your Honor it has everything to do with what happened. Mr. Puckerman was known to be a trouble maker, we've had several staff from Vista Point testify to that. If this boy was involved with him, what wouldn't he do to protect the boy he cleary was in a compromising relationship with?"
The Judge huffed, pulling off his thin rimmed glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Sustained. But please be wary Mr. Collier about your questioning."
"Thank you, your honor. Mr. Hummel the nature of your relationsh-"
"I loved him. With everything I possess. So if that made us lovers, then sure."
"You have come forward with these accusations against my client - according to your statements made and recorded on an earlier date - " And Mr. Collier pulled out a document and began to read from it in a dramatic fashion - "that Mr. Halsted quote 'made lewd, sexual remarks to you nearly daily for months.' Lets see, 'pinned you against a wall and felt you up, running his hand over your penis against your will until one Mr. Puckerman intervened.' Um, that, 'Mr. Halsted related confidential information to Mr. Puckerman regarding the death of his mother intentionally provoking him into an emotional outburst', that he assaulted Mr. Puckerman with a club and forced him to stand there while you were to perform oral sex while he watched, but this was interrupted by a Mr. Jerry Jackson, the lead orderly at Vista Point.' And finally that he 'told a Mr. Jacob Benjamin Israel some provoking and hurtful statements that prompted him to kill himself.' Is this all correct Mr. Hummel?"
Kurt hated the tone that he had used. It was condescending, as if the man didn't believe a word of it and was forced to read a list of lies that he nearly had to hiss in order to verbalize.
"Yes sir. Every word."
"And yet you admit here today, that you would do anything for this young man that you loved?"
"I never said that. But yes, I would."
"Even lie?"
"If I knew it was going to save him, then yes. But that's not going to happen is it Mr. Collier? Being that he's already dead."
Several surprised gasps errupt around the courtroom as well as some whispers.
"Order, order!" Calls the Judge pounding his gavel to reinstate the eerie calm that originally filled the atmosphere.
"Do you know how he died Mr. Collier?"
"Sorry?"
"How Noah died?"
"My understanding according to this" - again he gleens over another paper with a grimace - "he was stabbed to death due to his involvement in a gang altercation."
Kurt shakes his head, chuckling sadly. "No sir. He was murdered for trying to intervene; to help somebody else. Not much different then he did with me. Because in the end, that's who Noah was. He may have been a lot of things true, but he was never a liar, and when he cared... He would give up everything to show it."
"Is that what happened Mr. Hummel the day he attacked Mr. Halsted? Did he care too much perhaps? Your claim based on your previous statements is that Mr. Halsted committed haneous acts of manipulation, threatening, beating and even inappropriately touching underaged kids and apparently abused his power in every way; this man who has worked at that facility for over five years, who's noted by the staff as a hard worker and decent man, and has never had any formal complaints on his record" -
"He wouldn't if people were too scared to come forward!"
Mr. Collier halts, clearing his throat and then giving a wry smile. "The truth is all we have is your word Mr. Hummel. The word of an unstable, mentally ill young man who admits to being lovers with a deceased man, known to be a troubled person mind you, who one day snapped and happened to attack Mr. Halsted out of one of his normal fits of rage."
Kurt feels himself shaking with suppressed anger. His indignation is at its peek. He looks straight over at Gavin, and feels his frustration boiling over as he takes in that fucking stupid smirk stretched widely across his face.
"You were just another Steven, you know?"
"I'm sorry Mr. Hummel?"
"You -" He said pointing at Gavin - "Were just another version of my Step Father. You knew what I went through. That he r-raped me for years. But you liked that didn't you? You even told me you'd make me cum harder then he ever could!"
The courtroom is now filling again with audible gasps, whispering and side-conversation.
"W-what? Your Honor, I never asked a question" -
"Mr. Hummel, that'll be all if the defense is finished" -
"You know what you did and yet you have the nerve to sit here, smiling and lying to all these people. If there is a Hell Gavin, you'll be the first one in line you bastard!"
"That's quite enough! Bailiff, remove Mr. Hummel from the courtroom, we'll be taking a fifteen minute recess."
Kurt was being pulled along toward the entrance, but not before he caught the flash of uncertainty, maybe even fear displayed on Gavin's face. He had clearly been stricken enough for his tell tale smirk to disappear in its entirety.
A/N: Usually I don't leave an authors note immediately following a chapter but for this one I felt it was appropriate. I know you guys may be in a 'where the fuck did that come from' state of mind regarding Puck's death. At first I did toy with the idea of giving our two boys a happily ever after but it just didn't feel right. In order for this thing to come full circle Puck had to make an exit. And you know what they say "A lady always knows when to leave," um... cept he's a dude. But it's true, I think Puck found his purpose, experienced it fully, and was able to leave before he or that pure feeling he finally felt for the first time became tarnished. Hopefully this makes some sort of sense... Don't hate me too much. Besides, Kurt still needs you guys! Don't give up on him!