A/N: You guys get the update early from me this week. Namely because I'm going to China where Google Docs is blocked, and since I really don't trust AO3 to save my drafts properly, you get the chapter now! I hope you enjoy, thank you so much for sticking with me throughout this story because there's so much more to come!
On Friday night, the night before Dakota's party, Madge is excited and a little bit anxious for the day to come.
She had dropped Kota off at Gale's in the afternoon, and this year she seemed more aware that her birthday was coming up than other years
"Mommy, Daddy! I'm going to be five!" she grinned happily, beaming at the small feat.
"I know baby, are you excited?" Madge asked, receiving a small nod from her daughter. "I'll see you tomorrow okay? We're going to do something special."
"The invite said two o'clock, right?" Gale confirmed in a hushed tone, cautious to not let their kid overhear. "Can you get there a little bit early and I'll bring her around on time?"
"Sure, Gale."
"Thanks, Undersee." She stared at his face and looked for a clue that there were things left unsaid, but she couldn't find anything. Maybe Jo was wrong afterall, but she's still too scared to ask.
And now, while she's laying in bed overthinking every conversation they've ever had together, she really starts to believe that Gale doesn't have any afterthoughts about the way things ended. Even if it wasn't true, he's always been more mindful of his composure, able to suppress his emotions if he needed to.
Maybe tomorrow will be different. It's one of the only times they've all spent time together without the stress of being with the Hawthorne family. And they'll be with other parents and children, Madge is curious as to how it will turn out. The only thing she's certain about is that Dakota will have an amazing time playing at the park with friends, and everything else is second priority. She's already decided that she's going to sleep in far too long, eat a comfortable meal and then head over to the park a couple minutes early like Gale wanted.
The loud thoughts soon become an ambient buzz, and before long Madge is fast asleep. She's exhausted, it's a been a long week (it always is when you're a mom) and she deserves some good rest.
She's so tired that she sleeps right through the first boom of thunder, and misses the pitter-pattering on the windows.
When Madge resurfaces in the late morning, the pouring rain takes her by horrific surprise.
It's raining. Their sunny birthday in the park is ruined for certain. It's the kind of downpour that's so heavy that you can't see the droplets, they're so dense that they paint the entire sky grey and puddle on the ground.
She really should've checked the weather in the last few days. Just add that to the list of things that she fails to do as a mother.
Madge gets to her phone and scrolls through some texts from parents, most of them apologizing for the bad weather and asking her to reschedule for a different weekend. She can't even project that far right now, all she's thinking about is poor Kota who won't have any party like her parents planned.
While she's staring absentmindedly at the texts, her phone comes to life loudly, making her jump.
It's Gale, his tiny contact photo is smiling back at her so she's fast to pick up.
"Hello?" she asks tentatively.
"Hey. We're still on for the party, right?"
He's mocking her, he has to be. "What are talking about Gale? It's fucking raining. Of course we're not on for the party. Everyone has texted me with apologies, the kids just want to stay home."
"I know," she hears him say through the phone, strained and pensive, like he wants to console her but can't. "What I meant is that Kota still wants to see you, so we're still going to drive over at two. Is that okay?"
Gale's thoughtful, and Madge is so grateful. Here she is, moping around like a total mess while Dakota's father already has a plan B and a way to keep their kid entertained. And Madge needs to see Dakota, she wants to hug her and wish her a happy birthday.
"Yeah, that's okay. Jo's out, I'll leave the door unlocked."
When they get to her place, Kota's in a pair of yellow rainboots and a matching coat that her grandma picked out for her, and although Madge can't bear to talk to her mother right now the ensemble is adorable, obviously. The little girl runs up to her mom, giving her a big hug and jumping into her arms.
Madge squeezes and just smells her, closing her eyes tight. "Happy birthday, baby."
"Mommy, we missed you," she replies innocently, and Madge bites her tongue to not correct her. She doubts that Gale ever talks about missing her, and KoKo just assumes that her dad would always miss her mom.
But when she looks up at him his expression is softer than normal, she thinks that it's probably pity, but she accepts his hug nonetheless.
"Thank you for coming," she whispers into his chest when he pulls her close.
It's platonic but neither of them could care less. Madge feels him nod above her. "Of course. It was KoKo's idea, remember?"
"Yeah, right," she nods, looking back at a wide cardboard box sitting on the ground. "Is that the cake?"
"Yeah," Gale laughs, staring at the gigantic thing and picking it up off the ground. "It was meant to feed 20 kids, but I guess we have it all to ourselves."
She can't help but laugh, taking it out of his hands and setting it on the counter. "Okay, we can eat it whenever we feel like it. It's a really nice cake."
"Thanks, I had it iced with the birthday message and everything," he shrugs with a small smile of pride. Madge can tell that he's upset too, that he wishes the whole park-day worked out as well; they're both just trying to make it work through a disappointing time, he's just better at hiding his disappointment.
"What are we going to do today?" KoKo asks obviously, fiddling with the stiff rubber boots. Gale quickly kneels to help her get them off and help her with the coat too.
"Whatever you want, baby, it's your party," Madge replies. "As long as it's in here. We can watch movies, we could bake something, but Auntie Jo would kill us if we made a mess of her kitchen…" she starts, listing off options.
"Can we play a board game?" their daughter offers, and Madge nods encouragingly before giving Gale a look of confirmation.
"Of course. Let's pull them out from under the TV and see what we have.|
They go through the scarce options (there are only so many board games suited for toddlers) until Kota finally picks Sorry!. It's actually suited for six year olds and up, but she usually is able to get a hold of the game just fine.
"You'll just have to read the cards for me," she says to both her parents, sliding the comically wide game box from the shelf all by herself.
"What colour do you want to be?" Gale asks when he's setting up the pawns.
Dakota seems to think about it for a while, before finally making up her mind. "Yellow! Like my boots."
"I'll take red," Madge says, but he looks up at her and grins, already having set aside the red pawns for her.
"I know."
They play the game rather peacefully for awhile. Gale and Madge are both boringly enough, sticklers for the rules, and every time they draw the Sorry! Card that could ruin any one of their opponents, they use it on each other mutually with no protest. Before long Dakota is far in the lead and practically cackling with joy.
"I have three of them in my home!" she points out, gesturing at the tiny yellow pawns all bundled at their final destination. "Mommy only has one and Daddy has zero!"
"You're just really good at this game, princess," Gale insists while he lets out an exaggerated sigh of frustration.
Even with a clear projected winner, they play until Kota gets the final piece into home base. And then, as some strange form of torture she insists that they play until everyone's won, perhaps she felt bad about the large disparity between their board game playing abilities. So Madge and Gale burn through the cards until alas, the game is over. It took almost two hours.
"I hope you enjoyed that, KoKo."
"Another one! Another one!" KoKo chants as she already is clumsily folding up the board, eager to pull out a new game.
The worst part is that Madge and Gale are close to giving in before Johanna opens the apartment door. She has a bag of takeout food in one hand, a pretty cake in the other.
"Hi Dakota. I brought you your birthday dinner."
Madge is pleasantly surprised, having been wondering where her friend's been this afternoon. "Jo, we already have a cake."
Her friend walks over to the counter to put down the food when she notices the gigantic box already sitting there. "Oh. That's okay, now we have two."
Kota squeals happily at the prospect of eating two cakes, running up to her friend and giving her a welcome hug. Her attention has completely shifted from board games to food, and for that Madge is grateful. "JoJo, where have you been?"
"I was at work all morning, and then I went to buy your food and your present. Where else, KoKo?"
"Present?" she asks with wonder, as if the idea of receiving presents hadn't even crossed her mind until just now. "What food did you bring Auntie?"
"Your favourite, grilled cheese from that diner down the street. And French fries."
"Did you order enough for four?" Gale asks while he puts away the board game nearly.
"Oh, hey Hawthorne. Yeah, I figured you'd be here. I bought you a burger."
Everyone huddles by the kitchen counter as they eat. Dakota is practically in her own world, joyously eating her sandwich with only Gale sometimes coming in to wipe her mouth for her. Madge sits next to Johanna eating her wrap with her favourite, deep fried pickles.
"Thanks for doing this, Jo. I honestly hadn't thought about dinner."
"Of course. And I'm really sorry the party didn't work out. I know you were all looking forward to it."
"It's fine. KoKo seems to be having a lot of fun, and Gale's been great. I don't know what we're going to do with all this cake though…"
Johanna laughs at the cake situation they've gotten themselves into. She'll probably end up bringing it to work or offering it to the neighbours. Everyone is willing to celebrate a kid's birthday, even if she isn't present.
"Listen, I have to go after this actually," Jo explains. "I wish I could stay, but I'll give you three some family time. Plus, I'll take some cake with me."
"Where are you going?"
"Cressida's," Jo mumbles with a full mouth, probably so that Madge has to strain her ears to hear her. Johanna and Cressida have been on and off for months, it's mostly a friends with benefits situation from what Madge has heard.
"Really? You two are back on?"
"I don't know," her friend answers defensively. "What does 'back on' even mean? She just invited me over to hang out, so I said yes."
Madge doesn't have anything against Cressida, it's just that she'd much rather see her friend in a steady, long term relation over a fluctuating, non-committal type of deal. Jo's not-girlfriend is a film student at the art's school downtown, just a couple years younger than her. She's sharp and she's pretty, and would probably be good for Jo if they would just decide to make things serious.
"Okay. Have fun, then," is the best she can offer, as Jo wipes her mouth and puts away her food. She puts half of her small cake into a different container, intending on bringing it with her and slipping on her raincoat. Kota looks distraught, because she's pouting with furrowed brows all the way until Johanna walks up to her and holds her hands.
"I have to go KoKo, but I left your present with your mom, alright?"
"Okay," the little girl sighs. "I wish you could stay."
"Me too, baby," Jo insists, stroking her pale hair and giving her head a kiss. "Have an amazing birthday for me."
Jo leaves, and the family finishes up dinner and then cleans up the kitchen which is littered with paper boxes and plastic utensils. It's nice. She would never care to admit it to Gale, but this whole thing has been really nice. Madge likes spending time with Dakota and her father, they make a good team and always have a laugh.
"Do you have room for cake right now?" she asks her daughter, who enthusiastically nods in response. Even though she knows that Kota will be beyond stuffed in no time and will probably want to go straight to bed, she sets out three plates and begins to cut three pieces from Gale's large, chocolate cake.
"Mommy?" Dakota calls softly, staring at the huge cake. She's sitting on Gale's lap, who's still seated at the counter.
"Yes, baby?"
"There were supposed to be more people at my party, right?"
She's too keen and observant for her own good. Madge walks over and strokes her face, glancing at Gale for some clues as to how to put this. "You're right. We were going to take you to the park today, and your friends from school would be there. But it's been raining all day, so we couldn't do that anymore."
"We're sorry princess, but we hope you're having a good time anyway," Gale adds.
"It's okay," KoKo says, smiling genuinely at both her parents. "I like this. Just me, Mommy, Daddy and Auntie JoJo. It's what I wanted, do you remember Mommy? I told you I wanted to be with you, all of us together."
She's so sweet it makes Madge's heart hurt. Madge beats herself up a little bit for taking it personally when Kota asked to go to Gale's with her, when really all she meant was for them to be together. Because parenting isn't about her, it's about her child, and sometimes her brain forgets that.
They eat the cake; Madge only takes a small slice because she's still stuffed from dinner. Gale has always had a big appetite, and Kota surprisingly eats one slice all by herself. Halfway through, Madge takes out Dakota's presents both from her and Johanna.
Kota rips into Johanna's first.
"It's an elephant! Look, he's so cute and fluffy," the five year old exclaims, clutching the over sized stuffed toy with her arm span and smiling endearingly.
"Does he have a name?" Gale asks playfully.
She thinks for a second and then nods eagerly. "Yup. It's Tusky."
"That's cute," Madge remarks, giving her ex-boyfriend a knowing look. Their daughter is a bundle of joy and excitement, and they wouldn't want to have it any other way.
Madge got her a scrapbook, a beautiful, handbound thing whose cover is coated in baby pictures and recent ones too. The first few pages she's filled out for her, photo documenting all the memories she's already had: with Gale and Madge, there's even a photo of Madge when she was pregnant thrown in there. Some of them were found on their cluttered shelf, she thought to add them in.
"We can take all of our memories and put them in the book together," she explains. Kota flips through the filled pages with wonder, touching the faces in the photos and trying to spell out some of the words.
"It's pretty, Mommy!" she gasps, lingering on the pregnant photo. "Is that me?"
"Both of us, baby," she laughs. Kota gives her a tight hug, and Madge is surprised that she still has energy left inside of her. She's just waiting for her kid to crash from her sugar high.
"Daddy?" she asks, looking at Gale in silence for a moment. He has a stupid smile on his face like he's hiding something. And Kota knows too, that there's probably a reason he came empty handed, and it's not because he forgot. "Do you have a present for me?"
"I couldn't bring it all the way here," he starts coyly. "It was too big."
"What is it?"
"It's waiting in your room. It's a keyboard."
Her eyes grow larger than ever and her smile widens even more, if that's possible. "A keyboard? Really? Oh Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Now I can be just like Mommy!"
Even Madge is taken by surprise. It's funny because she doesn't even own a keyboard, she hasn't touched one or a piano since college, save those couple times she's gone home. "I didn't realize that was within our price range," she mutters to Gale under her breath.
"A friend was trying to get rid of it. I got it for a good price," he promises.
"Mommy!" Kota squeals excitedly. "You have to come to Daddy's and teach me how to play. I want to play just like you, once grandma showed me videos of you playing and you were amazing!"
"Okay baby," she replies, because what else is she to do? "Of course."
Madge is aware that it's irrational to try and compare gifts, but she can't help but do it. Gale's was thoughtful, and it's something that he really knew Dakota would enjoy. And the fact that it was almost a present on her behalf, something that she - the piano player - should've given to their daughter, just compounds the whole situation into something unbearable. The emotions take her by surprise.
"I'm tired," KoKo says with a yawn to no one in particular. She looks totally worn out, as Madge suspected would happen.
"Come, lets brush your teeth and I'll read you a story," Gale offers, picking up the little girl and taking her to the bathroom.
Madge is left outside in the living room, contemplating her emotional wreckage and listening to the sound of her shallow breathing.
And she knows it's stupid, the gift barely means anything. But maybe it's just the last straw in what's been days of a building anxiety about her competence as a mother. It's irrational, she knows it is.
Madge can't help the tears that fall from her eyes, and she leans against her kitchen counter for support, only to be met with cold, hard marble that's nowhere near comforting. She needs to count her breaths, control her tears and get it together. Who wants a mom who's an emotional wreck, anyway?
But before she can keep her breakdown under wraps, Gale walks out of her bedroom and back into the kitchen. "She passed out after one page, she's sound asleep like a…" he starts, but pausing when he sees her there. Madge tries to wipe her wet cheeks with her sleeves, but it only causes more tears to fall.
"Hey, hey, Undersee. Are you okay?" Gale asks soothingly, and Madge can only assume this is the way he comforts Dakota when she's in a mood. Madge is a child, and she's acting so pathetic and unnecessary right now. He takes a couple kleenex from her coffee table and brings them over to her, placing the wad into her hand.
"I'm fine," she responds shakily, but Gale doesn't buy it for a second.
"Clearly not, come on. Don't you want to talk about it?"
She laughs tritely. "No, not really. Not with you of all people."
"What do you mean? Did I do something wrong to upset you?"
"Nothing! You did nothing, Gale, you're- you're literally perfect." She's snapped, she's louder than she needs to be to keep Dakota asleep and Gale looks more confused than ever. Madge tries to take deep breaths and steady herself, but her exhales come out shaky and weak. She tries to keep cool but the aggravation inside of her is still building. "Look, you can leave now, I'll bring her back to your place in the morning, I promise."
He shakes his head kindly, shrugging. "No worries, I can crash on your couch, I told her we'd go get pancakes for breakfast."
"You don't have to be the better parent all the time, Gale," Madge accuses, and that's it. It's been said, every insecurity that's been haunting her for the last four years. He's shaken, taken aback and he almost looks angry.
"What are talking about?"
"What do you mean, what am I talking about? You're the one who's never late to pick her up and bought her a stupid keyboard. You're fun and you're carefree and I'm just a bundle of stress trying to make it work. You gave her a fucking room in your gigantic apartment and I can't even provide a bed just for her, she's better off with you, okay? I get it, now please don't rub it in my face."
"So this is about the present? You're crazy," is his only response, and Madge doesn't expect anything more. She's surprised he hasn't slapped her, because his eyes are dark and he's standing so close to her that he might as well.
"I know that," she laughs cynically. "Jesus Christ, Gale, could you please just-"
Then he kisses her like he's drowning, and she's the only lifeline there is. Madge knows she's still crying, and when Gale's hands come up to frame her face his calloused thumbs wipe away some tears. His mouth is warm and insistent and everything she remembered, and she can feel the way she used to crave him resurfacing deep in her stomach, pulling her flush against his body. She's pressed against the countertop, straining to meet his height until Gale pulls her across the apartment and onto the couch.
Gale's on top of her with all his weight, but Madge feels comforted by the feeling of another person so close to her. She knows he's doing this out of pity or some twisted sense of consolation but oh God it's working and her skin feels lit on fire by his touch.
Madge shouldn't be doing this, she knows that. When she manages to pull away from his kisses she surprises herself too, and Gale looks apologetic.
"Shit, I'm sorry," he whispers, foreheads still touching. "That was stupid of me, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, you shouldn't've done that," she admits. "That's bad for my brain."
She tries to turn her head and look away from his burning gaze, but Gale uses his hands to force her to look at him, and she's lost in his silver eyes that she used to love so much.
"Listen to me, Madge. You're incredible, okay? You're one of the strongest women I know, and I can't imagine else to be the mother of my child." The words are said, but Madge doesn't buy it. Everyone says things to her and they think it will make things better, but she just wants the truth. If people could stop pitying her and be honest for once maybe she wouldn't be feeling like shit.
"Okay," she says indifferently.
"No, I'm serious," Gale insists, pulling her head closing to his so that their lips graze again. They both feel a shock, and now he's not looking into her eyes anymore, he's looking at her mouth. "I think you do a better job than I do most of the time. But I know we're different, it's not scaled like that. But if it was, I wouldn't be surprised if you were in the lead because you're loving and considerate. You're beautiful."
"Beautiful? You don't have to go that far."
"What do you mean?"
"We're not together. You don't have to do that."
"Do what? Complement you? We're not together, sure, but we're also not arch-enemies."
"Can you please just stop talking? Please?" she asks desperately, already confused by all the words he's thrown at her. Because now her brain is swarming with everything Jo had said to her about unresolved feelings and the conversation she overheard between him and Delly.
Gale and Madge have things to work out, and even if they were to resolve whatever was going on here, that would only make things more complicated. She can't think straight when all she thinks about his him, she knows that from practical experience.
She's breathing heavily, unsure how to put together her words. "You can't just kiss me because you don't know what to say. This isn't college."
Gale laughs humorlessly and runs a hand through his hair. "Clearly, because if it was college you'd be kissing me back."
She stands up from the couch and tries to clear her head. "I'll get you some sheets and a pillow for the couch. I'll be right back."
Her ear catches him sighing heavily, and her movements are almost lethargic heading towards the closet of sheets. She sneaks into Jo's empty room and grabs a pillow, sitting down on her bed to just have some more time alone before heading outside.
It's so overwhelming, this entire day has been so many emotions at once and Madge doesn't know which one to associate with which event. She's unsure why Gale kissed her; wasn't it because he pitied her or just wanted to shut her up? Of course there's the more unlikely option, but she doesn't even want to go there, if she did she would go mad.
So she heads back to the living room and hands him the sheets and the pillow. "Here."
"Thanks, Undersee."
"Sure, goodnight Gale."
Madge starts to head for her room, walking slowly again careful not to wake Dakota. Before she reaches the door though, Gale speaks up.
"Don't you ever wonder?"
"Wonder what, Gale?"
"If we could've worked. If we had stayed together, maybe we would've worked out. We could've raised her together."
She shrugs hopelessly. "You broke up with me."
"That's irrelevant."
"No it's not."
"So you still love me?"
"What? This isn't Catch-22. All I'm saying is that you don't have a right to break up with me and then raise a child with me for five years and decide that you want to kiss me again! I deserve better than that. Even if I did still love you."
For a minute she just stares at him as he thinks, looking out of her window into the darkness. Gale doesn't seem to have an answer for her, that much is clear, but she can't help but hope for one. That maybe now, he'll apologize for everything and things can change for the better right at this moment.
But instead, he reaches for the lamp and turns out the light. The living room is dark now, so she sulks away to her room and realizes that she's been holding her breath.
Dakota is sleeping peacefully as he said, her angular face looks relaxed and there's a little smile peeking through on her mouth. Despite everything that just transpired, Madge is happy that her daughter got a day just for her, one where she got to spend time with both her parents and just laugh like any child should.
Madge wonders when her relationship with Gale became like this. Maybe it was right from the start, they were always a secret or some kind of getaway for each other. Or maybe it wasn't until they ended things and she started to feel pregnancy symptoms. Both of them wanted to keep her, but the scars and the memories from their recent split were too deep to even fathom getting back together. Which is how this whole arrangement came about, this whole taking turns thing.
Usually she holds herself back from thinking. But tonight, she'll let her mind wander.
A/N: If you have time, please leave a review telling me your thoughts! It only takes a second and always makes my day. :)