1.
They arrive at the Bartlett's house a little after noon. The car ride over had been silent, Jane lost in her thoughts, and Maura not wanting to interrupt her.
Nina opens the door with a smile, though her eyes are nervous. "You didn't have to come," she says in a hushed voice. "It's not an emergency by a long shot." she stands aside to let them enter, and her eyes follow Jane, trying to read her mood from her body language. "Tim and I just thought you should know."
Jane doesn't answer, so Maura asks the questions she knows Jane wants the answers to. "Did you speak to her about it?"
Nina looks a little pained. "Tim tried," she answers. "That's when she said that thing about being who Jane needed her to be."
Maura glances at Jane, who is looking around the front entrance of the Bartlett's house as though she's never seen it before.
"Where is she now?" Maura asks.
It's Charlie who answers, coming around the corner at that moment. "In her room," he says. "Hey Jane. Hey Maura."
Maura waves, but Jane seems to still be lost in her own thoughts. Nina looks at her and then back to Maura, obviously worried.
"We didn't want to upset you," she says quietly. "And we're not trying to...detach, or anything like that. Addison is just going through-"
"Can I see her?" Jane cuts Nina off as though she hasn't been listening.
Nina hesitates for just the whisper of a second, but it is enough to make Jane's shoulders tense.
"I can fix it," she says earnestly. "I messed it up."
"No!" Nina replies, just as Maura says, "No one is saying anyone messed something up, Jane."
Nina nods vigorously in agreement. "That's right," she says, sounding breathless. "Tim told me you'd react this way. We're not accusing you of anything. we're not even upset that Addison is binding, if that's what she really wants to do. It's just...the box we found under her bed suggests...and what she said to Tim when he confronted her…" Nina trails off.
Jane makes a vague gesture with her hands, but doesn't explain it. "I know," she says finally. "I'd just really like to talk to her, if it's alright."
Nina nods. "Of course it's alright."
Jane smiles, and turns away, heading up the stairs towards Addison's room. For a moment, Nina and Maura stand there, watching her go, until Maura realizes that the other woman is near tears.
"Oh, Nina," she says softly, reaching out to put her hand on the other woman's upper arm. "It's going to be fine."
"Tim was against telling her. He thought she'd take it hard. He thought she'd take responsibility for it." She shakes her head. "When am I going to listen to that man?"
Maura squeezes Nina's arm. "I don't think that's what's happening," she says, trying to sound reassuring. "I know what Jane's like when she's shouldering the weight of someone else's burdens, and it isn't this."
Nina turns to look at her, dark eyes shining with tears, and Maura makes the decision at that moment. "I'll go listen, alright?" she says.
Nina's face breaks open in a smile. "The second to last stair creaks," she advises. "Best to skip it altogether."
…
Jane is sitting at Addison's desk chair when Maura creeps up to the door. She can just make out the toe of Addison's boot, tapping nervously on the floor.
"Mom told you," Addi says angrily, "didn't she?"
"Yeah," Jane answers. "She did."
They are silent for a couple of minutes, and Maura sees Jane's hand pull through her hair. Her shoulders rise and fall slowly in a sigh that is always the precursor to a confession.
"Hey," she says quietly, "Addi, how long have we been friends."
"A long time," Addison says glumly.
"Five years," Jane tells her. "A really long time. Almost as long as I've known Maura."
"Yeah."
"And what's the one thing we always promised to do for each other, even when no one else would."
"Tell the truth," Addison responds dutifully.
Maura sees Jane nod. "Yeah. Tell each other the truth. You tell me if my outfit looks dumb, or if I got food in my teeth. I tell you if you're being a brat to your mom and dad, or if your brother is trying to work you over in a baseball card trade."
"Yeah," Addi says again. "So?"
Jane pulls a hand through her hair again, and Maura can imagine the look on her face, as she braces for what she's about to say. "Well, here's the truth. I messed up." It comes out calmly and simply, though Maura knows it took a lot of effort to make it so.
"Huh?"
"With you and me," Jane clarifies. "I messed up, kid."
Maura shakes her head, but doesn't intervene. Not yet.
"No you didn't," Addison says, sounding both irritated and scared. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you binding," Jane says. "And how you don't want to do it."
"Yes I do," Addison says at once. "You can't tell me what's in my head."
Jane's calm voice does not waver. "You're right, I can't tell you what's in your head. Only you can do that. You don't have to answer to anyone. Least of all me."
"I don't know what you're talking-"
"Remember the first present I ever got you?" Jane cuts her off. "Do you remember what it was?"
Addison scoffs. "Of course I do. I still have it. It was my first baseball mitt."
"Yeah," Jane says. "When we went out to play that day, and your mom saw what I got you, she said she didn't know if you would take to the sport. She said you never seemed very inclined towards things that got you dirty."
There is a pause, and then Addison says defiantly. "I love baseball."
Jane doesn't answer this. "Remember when they wouldn't let you play on the boys travel team that year there weren't enough girls to form a team of your own?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You fought so hard to get them to accept you."
"And they did. They let me play and we went all the way to the State championships."
"You missed out on that camp for horseback riding. You'd had that pamphlet for months."
"It doesn't matter," Addison says, though she sounds less sure. "I love baseball."
"Connor loved baseball," Jane says calmly.
"Yeah," Addison answers, and the eagerness in her voice makes Maura's chest hurt. "I know. And we're like...the same, right? Tell me about him."
A long, long silence. When Jane speaks again, it is with the heaviness that comes with holding back tears. "No, hon," she says quietly. "And you're not the same. That's what I mean when I say I messed up."
"Yes we are," Addi says, but it comes out like a question. "Jane?"
"Oh, baby, don't cry," Jane says quietly. "It's okay."
"We are," Addison says tearfully.
Maura watches as Jane stands, moving out of sight, and she can tell by the sound that she's pulled Addison onto her lap, the way she used to do when the girl was still little, and it was time for her to listen to Connor's heart.
Addison's heart.
Their heart.
"You're not," Jane says quietly. "And that's a good thing, Addi. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you enough how special you are all on your own. I'm sorry he was there all the time, in everything we did, and that you didn't feel like, that you don't feel like I could love you for being you."
Addison is crying in earnest now, her muffled sobs reach Maura in the hallway. Jane keeps talking to her softly.
"You are a talented, wonderful girl," Jane says. "You always have been. And liking boys, liking make-up, getting your period, those are all really exciting, amazing things that I want to share with you. You don't have to hide them because they wouldn't have happened to Connor."
Addison sniffs. "Getting my period wasn't exciting, Jane," she says, sounding a little bit like her old self.
Jane chuckles. "It might have been, if you hadn't tried to hide it. Your mom could have told you all about how you were becoming a woman." She says the last words in an over important, hushed tone, and Addison giggles.
"I love you, Addison," Jane says. "And it's definitely not because you've got my son's heart. It's because of what you've done with it. It's because you've made it your own."
This makes Maura tear up. She uses the silence to wipe at her eyes.
"Hey, Jane?" Addi says after a while.
"Yeah, kid."
"Will...you come with me to get a bra this weekend? I...don't want to bind anymore."
"Of course I will," Jane says at once. "But...Can we bring Maura? I think stylistically, she's going to be of more help."
Addison laughs again. "Yeah," she says. "That sounds good."
"So no more hidden boxes of make-up under the bed?" Jane asks, and Maura steps back towards the stairs, knowing the heart to heart is about to be over.
"No more boxes of make-up under the bed," Addison agrees. "But you'll still listen to our heart, Jane, won't you? On the day?"
The voices are getting closer, so Maura turns and retreats down the stairs, but she still hears Jane's answer.
"Yeah, I promise. Every year."
...
2.
Something is up.
On Tuesday morning, Angela arrives in the bullpen and instead of coming over to Jane's desk, she flags Barry Frost down and the two of them disappear down the hall.
Maura is talking to Korsak when this happens, and when she looks over to Jane for an explanation, she sees right away that the detective is just as confused as she is.
When Jane confronts Frost about it upon his return ("What the hell was that about?"), he shrugs and tells her it's nothing.
Jane cannot be put off so easily. "You're going to tell me that you, going to have a quick chat with my mom, is nothing?" she asks sarcastically.
Frost won't look her in the eye. "Don't worry about it, Jay," he mumbles.
Jane stares at him for another couple of minutes, but he doesn't look up at her.
The next day, after lunch, Maura finds Frankie and Frost speaking in hushed whispers in the hallway by the cafe. Frankie is facing her, and when he sees her coming, he tenses, making a quick little hand gesture to Frost that means 'hush.'
Maura narrows her eyes as she passes, but doesn't say anything. Neither man looks at her.
Jane comes down to the morgue ten minutes later. She is rubbing her palms in the way she does when her nerves are starting to get the better of her.
"Did you talk to Frost and Frankie in the hall?" She asks.
Maura shakes her head. "No," she says. "I saw them, though."
Jane looks down at her hands, fingers idly picking at the scars. Maura steps forward and pulls them gently apart.
"Are you keeping something from me?" She asks quietly.
"No," Maura says simply. "I'm not."
Jane nods. She learned long ago that Maura was unable to lie to her. She knows what questions to ask. "Something's up though," she says. "Something's going on."
"I agree," Maura answers. "But I don't know what it is."
Jane bites her lip momentarily. "That makes me more nervous," she says. "Can you find out what it is?"
Maura nods, and they keep holding hands, just facing each other, until Jane's phone buzzes and she has to pull away.
"If you find anything out," she says, heading back towards the door, "about the prints or about what's going on."
Maura smiles. "You are the first person I will call," she says, and Jane grins over her shoulder as she disappears around the corner.
She is unable to find Frost and Korsak for the rest of the day, however, and Frankie dodges her all of Thursday morning. So that is why, after work on Thursday, Maura drives to Angela's house to ask - for her sanity and for Jane's - what exactly is going on.
She knocks twice before the door opens, and her heart sinks when Angela opens the door. Behind her, sitting on on the couch in the living room, are Frankie, Korsak, and Frost.
"Something's going on," she says to Angela. "You have to tell me what it is."
She doesn't wait to be invited in, but steps past the older woman and heads down the hall to the living room. She takes the remaining armchair, and crosses one ankle over the other.
Angela returns to her spot next to Frankie on the couch and for a moment, no one speaks.
"Do I need to remind anyone in this room of the debacle that was Jane's 40th birthday party?" Maura asks finally.
No one answers, but Frost shakes his head, looking up at her.
They'd tried to plan a surprise birthday party for Jane's 40th, two years ago. All they had succeeded in doing was pushing the detective to the edge of a nervous breakdown. Maura had finally confessed to their scheming, holding Jane's head firmly between her hands until the hazy, dissociated eyes had finally focused on her.
"It's nothing Jane needs to know about," Angela speaks up. "It's just-"
"Something that concerns her family, and her partners?" Maura asks, arching an eyebrow. She turns so that she can look Korsak in the eye. "Be reasonable," she says. "Think about who we're dealing with."
Korsak rubs the back of his neck, letting out a long, sighing breath. "Doc-" he begins.
"Chloe Robinson is back," Frankie bursts out.
Maura turns her attention to her, hoping against hope that she has misheard. "I'm sorry?"
Frankie sighs, not looking around to meet his mother's reproachful glare. "Chloe Robinson is back," he repeats. "She's been trying to get in touch with Jane since last Friday."
"I've been blocking her," Frost fills in, "so she reached out to Angela on Monday."
Maura stares at them. Her brain has already jumped ahead to the moment when Jane tells her she's leaving. Chloe Robinson, Jane's first great love. The woman who disappeared without a good-bye.
It is with great effort that she rewinds this horrible movie enough to say, "she's come back...for Jane?"
"She says she wants to apologize," Angela answers, and her tone tells even Maura what she really thinks of this. "But Jane was devastated after she left. And she's finally happy now. I told Chloe she can take her 'apology' and stick it-"
"Jane is going to be furious when she finds out that you have been keeping this from her," Maura interrupts. "I hope it was worth the weeks of cold shoulder you're going to get," she says to Frost and Korsak.
"She doesn't have to find out," Korsak says slowly. "Frost talked to Chloe yesterday, and he thinks he got through to her."
Maura feels her phone buzz in her bag, and reaches in to silence it without looking. "This is insanity," she says, more to herself than the others. "Of course she is going to find out. For one, I'm not going to keep it from her. I couldn't if I tried."
"But-" Frost starts, but Maura waves him away. "You are all making this much bigger than it needs to be." She looks around at them, waiting for one of them to concede. "We're talking about a woman who walked out, not a suspect in one of our cases. Not someone who caused Jane physical harm."
This makes Angela go red and start to sputter incoherently.
"Wait," Frankie says, frowning, "Maura-"
But Maura puts her hand up to stop him again, pulling her phone out of her bag as it vibrates once more. There are three texts on her screen. Maura pulls in a deep breath.
"And in any case, it's too late," she says, standing. "Jane already knows."
"What?" Angela jumps to her feet too, looking outraged. "How?"
Maura flashes her phone. "Chloe is at our house."
3.
Chloe Robinson looks much the same as she did in the pictures Maura has seen of her. She has the same sandy brown, shoulder length hair, and the same spattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose.
She sits at the kitchen table across from Jane and Maura, foot tapping nervously on the linoleum, not looking directly at either of them. It is clear to the doctor that this was not what she expected when she came to see Jane, though her true intentions are still somewhat cloudy.
"You have a really nice place," Chloe says into the awkward silence.
"Thank you," Maura says automatically, her upbringing winning out over her desire to stay silent and stony for the duration of the visit.
Jane does not have the same problem. She sighs heavily. "What do you want, Cleo?" she asks.
The nickname pricks Maura's chest like a thorn, but she tries not to let it show.
Chloe, on the other hand, flushes with what can only be hopeful pleasure.
"I…wanted to see you," she says. "I wanted to see how you were doing."
Jane shakes her head, rejecting this. "Bullshit," she says, without anger. "Tell me the truth."
The smile drops from Chloe's face. She glances at Maura briefly, and then looks back at Jane, licking her lips.
"I have kids for, for you, Jane," she stammers, her voice catching halfway through the sentence.
This catches Jane's full attention, and she looks up into at Chloe for the first time.
"What?"
Chloe interprets her tone as containing excitement as well as disbelief. "Yes!" she says. "Two. They're girls, thirteen and eight. They've been through the wringer, I won't sugarcoat it, and the older one has that tough shell." She smiles warmly at Jane. "You know what I'm talking about, right? What it's like feeling responsible for your siblings. Wanting to protect them."
Maura bristles at this familiarity, possibly more than Jane does. Her hand clenches into a fist under the table.
"I'm sorry," she says, though this is just a formality. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't understand. You have…children for Jane? As in, children for her to adopt?"
Jane shakes her head. "No," she says.
"Yes," Chloe says, sounding surprised.
They stare at each other.
"I'm afraid I'm lost," Maura says, reaching to take Jane's hand in her own. "Jane, look at me," she waits until this command is obeyed. "What am I missing?"
Chloe gasps quietly. "Oh, my God," she says, and both women turn to look at her. "She doesn't know."
Jane shakes her head, a warning rather than confirmation. "Chloe," she growls. "Stop."
"What don't I know?" Maura asks. She is unable to suppress a shudder as a dozen thoughts tumble into her brain at once. She goes with the most likely. "Did you two plan to have children?"
"No!" Jane says firmly, spinning to face Maura. Chloe makes an incredulous noise.
Jane spares her a withering. "Yes," she amends quickly. "Nine years ago."
The panic clouding Maura's mind lessens a bit. Her ideas of covert communications and secret plans to elope fade. "Okay," she says, squeezing Jane's hand, because she can feel the other woman trembling. "Alright."
Chloe bites her lip. "Look," she says quietly. "I know I didn't do right by you, Jane. I know I messed a lot of things up."
Jane snorts. "That's the understatement of the century," she mumbles.
"I want you to know how sorry I am. If I could take it all back, I would."
Jane looks away from the table, and Maura is a little alarmed to see that she looks scared, as well as angry.
"Jane," she begins, "what-"
But Jane pushes back from the table, raking a hand through her hair. "Jesus, Chloe," she says angrily. "Now? You choose now to show back up?"
Chloe looks up at her, eyes wide. "I know," she says, "Jane, I know I-"
"You don't know," she interrupts, voice rising. "You were gone. You just left. You didn't have to sit with Zo every night when he asked where you were. You didn't have to deal with the way everyone just looked at you like you were some sad little puppy who deserved pity. You-"
"I wasn't ready!" Chloe bursts out, though the confession seems to deflate her. "I couldn't…risk everything the way you could, Jane. I wasn't ready."
"Well you picked a fucking awful time to decide you couldn't handle us," Jane says. "And you picked an awful fucking time to show back up." She shakes her head. "What did you think, Clee? Did you think I'd just be here waiting for you? Just…pining away?
And suddenly, something clicks for Maura. They'd talked about Jane's relationship with Chloe just once, and though Jane had answered every question Maura asked, it had seemed painful. Like pulling teeth from a willing patient.
"She was the first woman you slept with?" Maura remembers asking.
"Yeah," Jane answered. "The only woman before you. And only one time."
Maura stands. "You need to go," she says to Chloe.
Chloe looks at her, imploring. "I never stopped thinking about you," she says to Jane. "When Connor died I-"
"No!" Maura and Jane say together, though it is Maura that continues. "Don't you dare," she hisses. "Whatever you are going to say has no relevance, because the fact remains you didn't do it. You didn't do it."
Chloe sits back in the kitchen chair. She seems to be regrouping. Re-assessing.
She thought she'd just come back. Just offer this fix, and everything would be like it was. The audacity of this woman's assumption makes her almost weak with fury.
"You need to leave," Maura says again, and Chloe stands slowly, nodding.
"Okay," she answers. "Okay…but…listen." She waits, but Jane doesn't look at her. She stands facing away. "Jane, please. I admit that I might have come here with ulterior motives, but these kids need you. I've never been surer about anything in my life." She bends to pull two thick manila folders out of her bag, setting them on the table. "Please just look at them," she says again. And then, with a final look at Jane, she heads back towards the door.
.
They've skirted the issue of children on several occasions. They'd caught a case at the beginning of their relationship that involved the abduction of a child, and even though they'd found her and returned her safely to her parents, Jane had sworn at the end, "I am never having more kids."
Maura moved to put her hand on Jane's shoulder, trying not to let the alarm she'd felt show on her face.
"Do you mean that?" she'd asked quietly, as they watched the reunited family hugging, each member struggling to tough every other person at once. "Do you think that will protect you?"
Jane had shifted her attention to look at Maura. She'd shaken her head.
"No."
Maura had not had the courage to ask to which question that had been the answer.
She catches Jane looking at the folders twice that day, the second time going so far as to lift the cover of the top one for a couple seconds.
Maura doesn't say anything about this directly, but when they settle together on the couch for the night, she massages the base of Jane's skull, and she says, "we can talk about it, Honey. If you like."
Jane's eyes flutter shut at the pressure of Maura's fingers. She takes a long time to answer.
"I asked her to be a second parent to Connor," she says, so quietly that Maura has to hold her breath so she can hear. "I asked her to adopt him. She said yes. We slept together, and when I woke up…" Jane trails off, but Maura hears the rest anyway.
She was gone.
Jane sighs. "I'm happy with you, Maura," she says after a beat. "I'm really, really happy with you. If you want it to just be us…then I want that too."
…
The third anniversary of Connor's death had been one of the hardest, because it was the year that Jane moved in with Maura. The year they'd had to decide what to do with all of the things still in his room.
"We can keep them," Maura said, and when she hadn't received any response. "We also don't have to."
Jane crossed her arms over her chest. "Keep them," she'd echoed, "like for another kid?"
Maura remembers it was nearly impossible to swallow. "Yes," she'd said. "Maybe. I have plenty of storage."
Jane had turned away. "Let's keep them then."
.
Now, in bed Maura slips her hands up under Jane's tank top, reading each subtle shift of her muscles. She straddles Jane's hips and kisses her neck and feels her press upwards, just the tiniest bit.
Yes. Yes, more.
Jane has not ever been overly vocal in bed. She is selfless, eager to please, but slow to ask for pleasure in return.
At last, Maura understands why.
She bends to kiss Jane's neck again, and again she gets the same tiny roll of the hips, an invitation if she's in tune enough to feel it. "I want you," she whispers against Jane's ear. "I want them."
Jane pulls in a deep breath. Her hands come to Maura's hips, but they don't instruct. So Maura rocks gently against Jane's pelvic bone, reading the way Jane's fingers contract or loosen.
"Maura," she breathes, just barely.
"You first," Maura says, pressing a little harder. "You first, tonight Jane. I want to see you."
Jane's hips jerk, her hands slip higher, and Maura knows she's found the right words, the right order, for soothing this particular wound.
"I want to watch you climax. I want to hear you. The way your brow furrows, when I start here," Maura shifts to put her hand on the inside of Jane's thigh, drawing a finger higher as she continues, "and end up here."
She gets nothing but a soft grunt in reply.
"Feel me, sweetheart. Feel how much I want you."
Jane obeys, sliding one hand in between Maura's legs, and letting out a swift puff of air when her fingers meet skin.
Maura leans forward to press their foreheads together. "Yes," she says. "Yours. Just yours, Jane, okay?"
She picks up her pace, matching the roll of her fingers to the shallow pant of Jane's breathing. She keeps talking, keeps whispering between their kisses, keeps moving against Jane's fingers.
"Maura," Jane says again, and the incline of her hips tells Maura she's close.
"Yes," Maura says against the side of her mouth. "Yes, right here. Let me see you come."
Jane's brow contracts. She moans, quiet. "Maura."
"Come on, honey," Maura urges.
Jane shuts her eyes. She slides one hand up into Maura's hair, and presses her hips up.
"Harder," She whispers. "Harder."
Maura hears herself make a noise like a growl. She does as Jane has asked, and is rewarded with another moan, deep and full.
"Mine," Jane pants. "Harder. Oh, God. I'm so…"
But she doesn't get any further, because Maura slips one finger inside of her and grinds the whole palm of her hand up, against Jane's core. She leans down, and she whispers. "All yours."
And Jane is undone.