A/N: Aaaand, hey there! Welcome to the third chapter of this heart-wrenching Shinya ficlet!

This chapter gave me a little more trouble than the last two, mostly just because I had to go back and find a translated version of one of Catastrophe at Sixteen novels as a reference for a couple of things and while I enjoyed re-reading the prologue of the third volume especially, reading that and figuring out how to tweak it just enough to work in well in this fic took some time away from the actual writing of this chapter. XD

三回目/The Third Time

The third time Shinya has a major panic attack, it's just after Mahiru has told him that she doesn't love him and will never love him, because she already loves someone else.

What little hope for the future he'd gained after being informed that he was the sole survivor of the candidacy program (after the most hellish five years of his life) came crashing down around him, the struggle for survival now seeming meaningless in the face of Mahiru's simple declaration.

She didn't love him, couldn't love him, and everything, everything he'd done to survive and get to this point was utterly worthless, because in the end none of it mattered. He'd fought and fought and fought and survived, but it was all going to fall apart, because she couldn't love him, and he wouldn't be allowed to live if she didn't want him.

And she very clearly did not want him.

"I already have someone I love with all my heart," Mahiru had informed him, her cool and distant voice a disconcerting thing to hear from such a sweet-looking girl. "Therefore, I cannot accept you. I only came here today to tell you that."

Shinya had been at a complete and total loss for how to respond. He hadn't allowed himself to feel much about winning the competition before now; he was intensely relieved to be the last one standing, of course, so relieved to have survived that it was almost painful, but beyond that he hadn't given much thought to what might happen once he met his intended spouse.

He'd vaguely hoped that they'd get along, had once or twice even imagined them leading a happy life together, the sort of life where he didn't have to fight tooth and nail every single day just to keep himself alive, but he'd never, in all his imaginings, envisioned what might happen if she just...didn't want him.

He hadn't been sure what to say at first, but after a little more conversation, he'd rooted out the true reason for why Mahiru had decided to come meet him here at the facility. He'd had a feeling that it hadn't just been to tell him he wasn't needed; she wouldn't be needed to do such a thing herself if that were the case. Someone else would have delivered that message, and Shinya would have been disposed off, just like all the others had been, the ones who hadn't been good enough.

"The person you love," Shinya had said, struggling to keep his voice even and calm, "isn't someone your family would approve of, is it?"

Mahiru had given a small smile. "You're pretty clever, aren't you?"

Well, duh, Shinya had wanted to say, I wouldn't have outlived all the others if I wasn't. But he hadn't said that; he couldn't afford to act so disrespectfully or behave so recklessly, not when his very existence hinged upon this girl.

So instead he had smiled, and asked her precisely what her intention in coming to meet him was. She hadn't deigned to answer him, instead making a comment about how she wanted to be a normal girl, because normal girls could be in love with whoever they liked.

Shinya also wanted to be normal, but couldn't seem to entirely remember what normalcy was actually like; he'd been drowning in blood and faking smiles for literally half his life, so 'being normal' was an utterly foreign concept to him.

Wanting to win, though...that was an idea he was thoroughly (painfully) intimate with. And the thought that he'd already lost the battle to win Mahiru's heart, long before he'd even had a chance to meet her? Despite fighting and killing and surviving solely for that purpose?

As it turned out, he was maybe a bit of a sore loser. And also hounding him was the idea that he needed to make Mahiru like him, care about him...even just a little. Something, so that he wouldn't be disposed of like an unneeded tool. His determination to survive was stronger than it had ever been, and the possibility of losing his life so easily because of something outside of his control was infuriating and terrifying in equal measure.

He couldn't stand the thought of coming this far, doing all the horrific things he'd done to survive, only to fail the final hurdle because his betrothed already loved another, before he'd even had a chance to prove himself to her.

So he had vowed to try and win her heart, even as she told him repeatedly that he stood no chance whatsoever of winning her affection away from whatever lucky bastard had her unconditional love.

There had been a brief scuffle between them where Mahiru showed him precisely what being a Hīragi meant and why he wasn't even remotely in her league (and gods be damned, but she was fast and strong, stronger even than he was), and Shinya had found himself wondering who could be so impressive as to command this girl's affection.

"The person you love," he had asked then, breaking the tense silence that had descended upon them at the conclusion of their incredibly brief fight, "are they stronger than you?"

Mahiru's expression, previously distant and somewhat cold, had morphed instantly into a smile so bright it was dazzling. "Guren..." she said, her voice full of warmth and longing. "Hmm, I wonder...Let me tell you now, though: whether he's stronger than me or not, I will not change my mind. I will always love Guren, and not you."

Shinya had pasted on the widest smile he could muster up, ignoring the sharp pain lancing through his chest at her words. "Aww, that's no fair," he said, forcing his voice to come out light and cheerful. "It sounds like I really don't stand a chance at all."

Mahiru had laughed, and it was a happy sound. "Probably not," she had agreed. "But Guren...honestly, he might be stronger than me. Yes...I really think he could be much stronger than me."

"And that's why you love him? Because he's stronger than you?"

Mahiru had nodded. "Yes." She had then looked at him intently. "What do you think of that?"

"I think...I think that I understand, at least a little. You...want me to pretend. To play the role of your fiancé until you can be together with the only you truly love. Is that right?"

Mahiru's mouth had curved into a small smile. "You really are a clever one," she had remarked. "Yes, that's precisely right."

"...Very well," Shinya had told her, because what other choice did he have? The only alternative was to refuse her and be slaughtered. "I will play along, for your sake."

Mahiru had beamed, her eyes lighting up again. "That's great!"

They'd spoken a little more, and then she had left, informing him that someone would be along within twenty minutes to escort him to the Hīragi manor.

The overwhelming cascade of terror crashed into him barely thirty seconds after the door closed behind Mahiru, the intensity of it sending him to his knees, his heart racing and his vision swimming.

He'd fought through so much, through a literal hell, never letting his guard down for even a moment, and now...this. What he'd thought to be his salvation was just another prison. Just another survival game.

Just another way for him to die, worthless and alone.

It seemed like no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he fought to survive...it seemed like none of it would ever matter. His fate would always be in the hands of someone else. At their whim he would live or die. One word or misstep from Mahiru would see him dead just as surely as a failed candidacy exam.

What did I do in a past life, he wondered as he collapsed fully to the ground, breath coming in short bursts as his whole body shook, to deserve this hell I'm living through now?

He tried to take some deep breaths, like he normally did to calm himself down, but he couldn't quite get his throat working right, so all he really succeeded in doing was to choke on what little air he did manage to suck in. And since he wasn't getting enough air in his lungs, the edges of his sight were starting to go fuzzy and dark, and he was assaulted with a nauseating feeling of vertigo even though he was curled up on the ground.

It's fine, he told himself, over and over and over again. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I'll get through this. I'll survive it.

I've survived worse.

He just had to hold on. He could do it. He could. He would smile, bury his pain, hide his desperation, and pretend that everything was fine. He'd done it for five years, he could do it again...for however long was necessary.

As his panic attack eased away, fading under the strength of his renewed resolve, he found himself wondering what Mahiru's Guren was like. He could be much stronger than me, Mahiru had told him, and Mahiru herself was already incredible, like a bright shooting star that dazzled the eye as it shot across the night sky.

Surely the one she loved, this Guren, would be just as spectacular if not more so, burning with passion and shining even brighter than the sun.

Shinya found himself wondering what he would do if he ever met him, this Guren who was loved by Mahiru. As it was now, he couldn't imagine what such a meeting would entail, but that hardly mattered now. Such a thing wasn't likely to occur in the near future, if ever, and he had to focus on his own survival first and foremost.

I can do it, he told himself again. I will survive.