Quickie:
SassyLostie - That review was too short. ;)
jadeandsugar - Wowza! That's dedication. Master of Skateness?? Aw shucks...
It's been a bit longer than usual between updates. So sorry. Nevertheless, enjoy!
Chapter 40
After a long silence, Sawyer had decided he needed time to think about what they should do now. Kate agreed with this, and then they were quiet once again. Eventually, Sawyer got up and retreated to the living room, and Kate migrated outside on the swing.
As she rocked the swing slowly, dragging her feet along the slate patio, Kate stared down at her stomach. It wasn't flat anymore. The baby was already starting to grow, as well as she. She wondered if Sawyer had noticed it – if it was that noticeable. It seemed to be, to her. But she couldn't be sure. She wouldn't ask him, either. He'd just lie and say she looked the same.
Was it worth it to gain all this weight and go through all of the nausea, the cravings, the pain – for a kid? Their kid. Fear flooded over her again as she let her thoughts consume her. What would she do with a child? She had no idea what to do with a newborn - how to feed it, take care of it, love it. She was still constantly learning how to love Sawyer. Another person to take care of might just wear her out. Maybe. She didn't know. She knew nothing about kids.
She'd learned how to change the diapers, at least. Thanks to Aaron. That was something. And she learned how to feed him, and how to make him laugh. Could the same things be applied to her own child? Maybe. Did she really want to find out? Why shouldn't she? And why was her mind suddenly filled with so many questions? Why couldn't she answer any of them? Kate sighed, wishing she could figure out what she really wanted to do.
Sawyer, on the other hand, was flipping through channel after channel after channel, trying to find something to set his mind on. And then he realized that he couldn't set his mind on anything because his mind was stuck on wondering what to do about the kid. Their kid, he had to remind himself. He didn't know if he really wanted to have this kid anymore. He thought he had made that clear to himself when he said it aloud to Kate in the doctor's office – but apparently, his mind had other ideas. He wanted the kid, he didn't want the kid. It was a constant argument in his head. And he couldn't decide which side to stick with.
One side of him said yes, he wanted to keep this child. It would be another adventure for him and Kate to pursue. Another way to bring them closer – not that they weren't close enough, but physical and sexual closeness sometimes couldn't take the win. Apart from that, he wanted to see a kid of theirs running around the house. A part of him and a part of Kate all in one - something truly special. And maybe he had even enjoyed reading to Aaron, as much as he despised the book. He created a bond with Aaron during his stay, although, he would never admit it.
The other side of him said no, he wanted to be done with this whole kid business and go on with his already happy life with Kate. They didn't need a kid to prove anything. Not to mention the very high possibility that he could turn out just like his father. He wouldn't want to make a kid suffer the same way he had. Nor Kate. But was it preventable? Could you escape the inevitable fate of genetics? Probably not. But either way he didn't want to find out. And anyway, what the hell would he do with a kid? They were always crying, and whining, and most of them were just bratty little things. Headaches are what they were - headaches that he didn't need.
And then…there was Clementine. He thought he had escaped that already, but of course fate had to come crashing down on him. And he knew from the moment he saw Cassidy at the door, he wasn't going to be able to escape it again. There was still a question as to what he'd do with her. Although, Cassidy had her heart set on him meeting her.
He tossed the remote down, frustrated, wishing he knew what the hell to do. When he glanced at the clock, he realized an hour and a half had passed. He wondered if Kate was having this hard a time deciding. When he turned around to see if she was still outside, he saw her standing in the doorway of the living room.
"Been here long?" he asked.
"No. I just…wanted to see what you were doing."
He turned back around. "Watchin' TV."
She hesitantly walked over and sat on the arm of the couch, a ways from him. When she looked at the TV she saw cartoons on the screen.
"Powerpuff Girls?" she smiled at him.
He glanced at the TV, then grabbed the remote and turned it off. The room was silent.
"So," Kate started.
"So?"
"Any ideas?"
"I got nothin'. You?"
"No."
"Great."
After a long pause, Kate asked quietly, "What about Clementine?"
"What about her?"
"Do you know what you're going to do?"
"No."
"Maybe you should figure that out first."
"I've been tryin'."
"And what's the problem?"
"Problem is, Freckles, I don't want nothin' to do with that kid. Haven't had to deal with her for the past six years of her life. Why start now?"
"Every child needs a father, James."
"Not a father like me."
"You mean a father like yours?" she retorted.
"What?"
"Because that's who you are, right now. You're acting justlike him."
"Where the hell do you get off – "
"You're only becoming him by not taking responsibility for her."
"Oh, so now you're on Cassidy's side?"
She forced her eyes closed, and opened them again to speak.
"I'm on your side, James."
"Then why the hell would you say that?"
"Because…you have the choice to stop it. You could give Clementine the father you never had."
"Why would I do that?"
"Well, I don't know, James. Do you want to be like him or not?"
He sank back into the couch, struck by the revelation. There it was in plain sight – he was his father. And he hadn't even realized it. His eyes filled with agony as he stared at the floor. Kate looked on, sympathetically.
"You don't have to be like him. You can change, and be her father."
"What's gonna happen with us?" he asked softly.
"Nothing happens with us."
"Nothing?"
She laughed. "So you have a daughter. It's not going to make things between us any different."
"And what about…" he nodded at her stomach.
She looked down, then back at him.
"Well…who's to say there'll even be…"
"Right…"
"For now, let's just worry about one thing at a time, okay?"
"Yeah."
"So, are you going to call her?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Let her call me. Why do I gotta be bothered?"
"It will show her that you've changed?"
"She can wait."
Kate paused, trying to think. "It'll get her out of Tennessee that much faster. Leaving us alone again…"
She watched as Sawyer seemed to really think about that. That was the one thing he'd been desperate for, ever since they had gotten back from Los Angeles with Aaron. It hadn't even been four days and Cassidy was already at the door. Talk about timing. And the sooner he talked to Cassidy and settled this whole Clementine business, the sooner he and Kate could be left alone in their peace.
"Where's the phone?" he said, defeated.
Kate pulled it out of her back pocket and held it out for him. He stared at it, then looked up at her in disbelief.
"You had it the whole time?"
She smiled sheepishly. "I kind of figured you'd come around."
"And how'd you figure that?" he said, taking the phone from her hand.
Grinning, she slid off of the arm of the couch and closer to him.
"You don't give me enough credit, you know."
"Oh. Well ain't you the modest one."
She laughed. "When you got it, you got it, right?"
He put an arm around her, pulling her closer.
"Damn straight."
She leaned up and kissed him, then whispered, "Call her."
With that, she rose from the couch and exited the room, leaving Sawyer to make the call.