A/N: Aaaaand here it is, the +1 of this 5+1 ficlet! This will be the final chapter of this ficlet, and it involves Shinya having a panic attack, but not having to go through it alone this time...because Guren shows up! Much Gureshin subtext ensues. (Like, seriously, so much. It's not even subtext at this point, really, it's pretty blatant. ;D).
In any case, this time Shinya's in his twenties and having a freak out because it's his birthday and birthday's for Shinya are...not really a happy thing. Read on to learn more! ;D
On a more serious note, before you do go on ahead to the chapter, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all your wonderful comments and feedback. This was my first OnS ficlet, and the encouragement I've gotten from everyone has truly meant a lot to me. So...thank you!
もう一人ではありません/No Longer Alone
The sixth time Shinya has a crippling panic attack, it is November 22nd and he's just turned twenty-three.
Usually in the days leading up to his birthday as well as on the day itself, he keeps himself busy with work. He buries himself in reports and briefings and reconnaissance and does his very best to not think about what day it is, because if he gives himself a chance to think about it, he'll fall apart.
Birthdays for him are not a thing to celebrate. He hates them.
During the five years of hell he'd gone through during his childhood, birthdays had become something vile and horrendous. Because not only had he and the other candidates had to deal with the merciless training regime and the ghastly elimination tests, but also the "games" that the overseers had implemented to "celebrate" each candidate's birthday. And the games were designed for participation from all the candidates, not just the "lucky birthday boy".
Even a day that should have been happy had been turned into another blood-soaked opportunity to prove yourself and show that you were better than all the rest.
The games had involved first an obstacle course so difficult and dangerous that a handful of candidates were critically injured or even killed when they tried to overcome it.
And that hadn't been the end of it. No, once the remaining candidates had made it through the obstacle course, they were then put through a battle tournament not unlike their bi-annual elimination fights.
For every single birthday, they had done this.
By the time Shinya was ten years old and the last one standing, he'd last track of how many people had died on his birthday. How many of those he'd killed himself.
So from that point on, he did whatever he could to get through his birthday without acknowledging that it existed. It had been harder when he was younger, fresh from hell and scared of disappointing his adoptive family. Now that he was an adult, it was easier to find something to occupy his attention. There was a war going on, after all, and he was an important figure in the military; it wasn't hard to throw himself into his work so much that he could forget what day it was. Forget the blood that was on his hands and staining his soul.
This year, though...this year was different. He'd been feeling the darkness creeping up on him even earlier than usual, a couple weeks out from his birthday, and had consequently begun overworking himself even earlier in the month than normal. It had been effective, as always, and for a time the guilt and self-loathing and shame had been kept at bay as he hyper-focused on his work.
But then Seishirō had noticed, had mentioned how hard he working to Kureto, which had in turn led to Kureto giving him a mandatory week of leave, ostensibly so he didn't work himself into an early grave.
He didn't know whether Kureto was being cruel or kind with the forced vacation; on one hand, it was (perhaps) possible that Kureto was exhibiting a modicum of human decency for a change and trying to help his adoptive little brother out...on the other hand, maybe he'd noticed Shinya's tendency towards depression this time of year and was trying to twist the knife a little more. Shinya just didn't know.
And truth be told, at this point he didn't care. He'd briefly tried to argue against the time off, but had been shut down before he could do much more than voice his opposition to the idea. It had been plain to see that there was nothing he could do to change Kureto's mind, so he didn't bother trying.
So instead of trying to argue the decision, he'd given his older brother the brightest smile he could manage and thanked him for his kindness.
Then he'd locked himself in his bedroom suite and tried desperately to find something to do that would hold his attention and drown out the memories of screams and begging and death.
There wasn't much to do in his rooms, though. While his bedroom and the adjoining study and bathroom were fairly upscale by most people's standards (albeit smaller and considerably less opulent than the suites of his Hīragi-by-birth siblings), Shinya had never enjoyed spending time there.
Reading, writing, painting, knitting...Shinya had tried to pick up any number of hobbies to entertain himself over the years, but he'd never managed to develop any real interest in any of it, not when such activities involved Shinya sitting by himself in his rooms, alone with only his thoughts for company.
Shinya didn't do well alone, he knew that about himself very well by now. Which was why his main "hobby" was spending time with Guren. When he was with Guren, he could just...forget. Forget that his entire life had just been one survival game after another. Forget that he didn't deserve this life he had. Forget all the people he'd killed to come this far.
When he was with Guren, he felt...grounded. Like Guren was his anchor, without which he would be washed away by the bloody shadows of his past. Guren, even at his surliest, was like the sun, bringing with him warmth and hope, even on the worst days.
But there's no Guren with him now.
No, Guren isn't here. He's at one of the many meetings that Shinya can't attend because he's on a forced vacation. He idly wonders if Guren is annoyed by his absence or relieved. Probably at least a little frustrated, since Guren will likely have a harder time dealing with Kureto and the others without Shinya there to lighten the atmosphere and smooth things over.
But that wasn't something he could afford to worry about now. As concerned as he was for Guren (which was in and of itself nothing new, really, he was always concerned about Guren), he had to focus on himself right now, focus on pushing back and the darkness and despair that was creeping up on him and making his heart beat erratically in his chests even as a cold sweat broke out all across his body.
Happy birthday, the overseers had said to him five times, and each and every time he'd been covered in blood and gore by the end of the day.
Happy birthday, they'd said to him, after he'd ruthlessly slaughtered his peers just to prolong his own miserable life.
Happy birthday, they'd told him, looking on with sick pride as he distinguished himself and proved to to be the strongest of all the candidates. You've done so well.
Happy birthday.
Shinya barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up, disgorging everything he'd eaten or drunk in the last twelve hours. It was with shaking hands that he flushed the toilet and scrubbed at his face with a cold damp washcloth, and it was on trembling legs that he staggered back to his bedroom.
He didn't manage to make it to the bed, his knees giving out about halfway there, leaving him curled up and crying on the hard wooden floor.
And the memories started assaulting him, both familiar faces and faces long forgotten rising up from the recesses of his mind to stare at him with accusing eyes or pitying looks.
The men who had selected and approved him as a candidate all those years ago.
"We've finished going over the results of your exam. Everything looks great, so you can move on to the next stage of candidacy. Congratulations!"
Mahiru, so sweet but also so cold.
"I already have someone I love with all my heart. Therefore, I cannot accept you. I only came here today to tell you that."
"I will not change my mind. I will always love Guren, and not you."
Kureto, so stern and rigid and unyielding in his pursuit of power and success.
"Since when have I ever needed to rely on you for anything?"
"If you value your life, you'd better stop challenging me in front of my men."
Seishiro, always cruel and rude and uncaring.
"If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it, you stray. You're forgetting your place."
"Ha, looks like you know better than to fight back. You know you're no match for me. The only reason Dad chose you to be Mahiru's fiancé is because you're obedient. You better not forget that."
The other boys he'd killed growing up, all the ones whose lives he'd ended just so he could keep going, keep surviving. Just so that he could hold on to this worthless life of his.
Wait, please, don't kill me! I'm-
No, stop, I don't want to die, I just-
We can find a way to survive together, I know it. If you-
...Just do it.
Shinya had killed them all. All of those other boys that the overseers had put in front of him. Every single one he'd faced off against, he'd slain. He hadn't had any other choice, not if he wanted to survive, but that didn't help ease the guilt that was he was drowning in. The self-hate that was eating him up inside, the hot claws of shame and regret tearing away at what was left of his already-shredded soul.
Distantly, through the deafening pounding of his heart and the ragged gasps of his breathing, he heard someone knock on his door.
He didn't even consider answering it. Even if he'd been physically capable of doing so (and since he was currently prone on the floor that was frankly just not an option), he wouldn't have answered. With Guren stuck in meetings all day and their other friends busy with their own duties, there was absolutely no one of interest to Shinya who could possibly be on the other side of that door.
So he ignored the knocking, and tried to focus on trying to establish a pattern of breathing that didn't make it feel like shards of glass were rattling around inside his lungs.
It wasn't working, though. His attempts to calm himself down, to get some modicum of self-control back...none of it was working. If anything, the panic was getting worse, threatening to crush him under its tremendous weight.
He was so far gone that he didn't immediately notice the sound of his door opening. The sound of a familiar voice exclaiming, "What the hell?!" though...that broke through his haze of fear and pain.
"Guren...?" he whispers, his voice so low and hoarse that he doubted Guren had even heard it.
More importantly, though, how had Guren gotten in? Shinya was really out of it, but he distinctly remembered locking his door, so how...?
Ah, that's right, he realizes. Guren has a key.
He could vaguely recall giving Guren a key to his suite a couple years before, accompanied by an invitation to drop by whenever he needed company. Guren had never taken him up on the offer, because it was Guren, and Guren would never admit to needing emotional support unless he was either at a breaking point or incredibly drunk.
And since he'd never visited, Shinya had sort of forgotten that Guren even had the key.
It was painfully, darkly amusing, that Guren would choose now of all times to drop by. Now, when Shinya was broken and weak and pathetic. Now, when he was at his most worthless.
"Shinya, what is it?!" Guren was asking now, his voice tense and worried as he came over to kneel on the ground beside Shinya. "Are you hurt? Is your demon...?"
"Nothing," Shinya manages to gasp out. "It's nothing, I'm fine, just-"
"Shut up, you're obviously not fine," Guren snaps, grabbing at Shinya's shoulder to try and pull him upright, his purple eyes flaring with some unnameable emotion. "Tell me what's wrong!"
"What's...wrong?" Shinya's breath hitches, and he gives a rough chuckle that's borderline hysterical. What wasn't wrong, that would be a much more accurate question.
I cannot accept you.
I will never love you.
When have I ever needed you?
You're forgetting your place.
You're no match for me.
Happy birthday!
"Dammit, Shinya, tell me what's wrong!" Guren demands, shaking him and looking torn between fury and fear. "Say something, damn you!"
But Shinya is too far gone for any sort of conversation now, the fear holding him in a vice-grip that left him helpless. His breathing is getting erratic again, and his heart is going so fast and hard that his chest is beginning to actually hurt.
It feels like he really might die this time, just because he's too weak to handle his inner damage.
Maybe that's for the best, he thinks, scrunching his eyes shut and biting down on his bottom lip so hard that he tastes blood. Maybe I should just give up...
Before he can follow that thought through to its conclusion, however, the sensation of someone suddenly tugging him into a tight embrace breaks through his haze of agony.
...what?
Shinya forces his eyes open, and almost flinches when he finds Guren's face barely inches from his own.
"Breathe," Guren says, and it's unmistakably an order, said in that you-are-going-to-do-this-or-I-am-going-to-kick-your-ass voice.
So Shinya breathes carefully, in and out, even though his lungs feel like they've been firebombed. He starts counting in his head as he does it, a trick he'd tried and failed to use during previous panic attacks, but it helps this time, somehow. Maybe it's the way Guren is glaring at him, anxious and expectant all at once, but Shinya finally manages to get his breathing evened out.
Then Guren presses the fingertips of one hand against the pulse point on Shinya's throat and gives a worried scowl. "Your heart-rate is-"
"It's fine," Shinya answers, trying to not sound as shaken as he feels. "It'll slow down in a moment."
And it does, sooner than Shinya anticipated; he thinks it has to do with his current proximity to Guren, the way he can feel Guren's own heart beating strong and steady in his chest because of how close they are to each other right now.
Finally, after what seems like an incredibly awkward and humiliating eternity, Shinya is free from the grip of his panic attack.
He hesitates for a moment, then starts to pull away from Guren. Because surely Guren must be uncomfortable by now; the other man had never been very demonstrative in his affection, never as touchy-feely as Shinya.
Surprisingly, though, Guren doesn't let him go. Doesn't even let him move away by more than a couple inches.
"What," he says, his voice flat, "was that?"
Shinya just looks at him, not sure what to say. This is uncharted territory, someone whose opinion he actually really and truly cares about witnessing him shatter apart and then pull himself back together again.
"Answer me, dammit!" Guren snaps, practically snarling it.
Shinya finally settles on how to respond, how to act, and pastes a smile onto his face, because this is what he does, all he knows how to do when he's hurting. "It's really nothing you need to trouble yourself over, Guren," he tells his friend (his everything), forcing his voice to come out light. "It's just something that happens occasionally."
That statement actually seems to make Guren even more angry. "Damn you, Shinya," Guren hisses. "Why didn't you tell me that you..."
"I'm fine, Guren," Shinya tells him, the lie tasting bitter on his tongue. "It's not a big deal. Really. So you don't have to-"
"Stop it," Guren says now, his voice strained. "Shinya, just...stop."
Shinya stares at him blankly. "Stop what?"
"What do mean, 'stop what'?" Guren replies, eyes flashing. "You know what!"
"I really don't-"
"That was not nothing, you idiot!"
"Guren-"
"I know that something's wrong," Guren said, cutting him off yet again. "So stop trying to hide behind a smile." And then, in a lower voice, so quiet that Shinya almost misses hearing it, "I hate it when you do that."
Shinya is so startled by Guren's words that his smile falters, and then falls entirely off his face. "I'm not-"
"You think I don't notice when you're smiling and don't mean it?" Guren demands. "Do you really think I care so little about you that I don't notice when you're upset?"
Honestly? Yes. He knew Guren valued him, as a comrade and friend, but he'd never expected (had never dared to imagine) that he might watch Shinya as closely as Shinya watched him.
No one had ever cared enough about Shinya before to bother learning his tells, those subtle little signs that he couldn't entirely hide, those little looks and expressions that could clue someone in to the fact that all was not well in his head or in his heart.
No one had ever looked at him and seen him, not really.
No one...except, apparently, Guren.
"Shinya, please," Guren is saying now, "please tell me what's wrong."
It's like Shinya's brain has shut down. He doesn't know what to do. How to act or what to say.
No one has ever cared before. He doesn't know how to handle it.
He opens his mouth to say "I'm fine" again, but what comes out instead is "Today is my birthday."
He's not sure who's more surprised by this announcement, himself or Guren.
In any case, his answer seems to throw Guren for a loop; he gives Shinya a confused scowl, like he thinks that maybe Shinya is giving him a bullshit answer, and for one horrifying moment Shinya worries that Guren is going to leave. That Guren will shove him away and leave him here, alone again.
But instead of doing that, Guren just looks at him, purple eyes dark as he seemed to consider Shinya's answer.
"...Explain," Guren says at last, not pushing Shinya away or letting him go.
Shinya opens his mouth again, then closes it.
"Shinya."
"I'm just trying to think of the best way to say it," Shinya protests defensively, squirming in Guren's grip to try and avoid the accusation in those purple eyes.
Guren still doesn't let him go, just glares at him some more. "Don't think about how to say it, you idiot, just say it."
Well, when Guren puts it like that it sounds so damnably easy.
But it isn't. Shinya isn't wired for spilling out his vulnerabilities for others to hear and judge, so he just genuinely doesn't know what to say.
This is Guren, though, and for Guren...he's willing to try.
"How much...do you know about my childhood?" he asks at last.
Guren frowns at him, like he's not sure what that has to do with anything, but answers anyway. "Not much," he admits. "I think you told me once that you had to fight a lot, to prove yourself."
Ah, yes, that was right. He had said that, during their freshman year of high school.
"I was always forced to fight growing up, and told the only thing that mattered was to become strong enough to deserve the Hīragi name." That was what he'd told Guren. It seemed like so long ago now.
"I...may have understated things slightly," Shinya admits reluctantly.
Guren's frown deepens. "What do you mean?" he asks, and it seems like he really wants to know. Wants to understand.
So Shinya tells him. He doesn't share every single detail of every single moment, but he tells Guren the important parts, starting from his selection at the age of five and continuing on until he met Mahiru for the first time.
Guren listens without interruption as he tells the horror story of his childhood, and when Shinya starts to cry as he explains why he hates his birthday so much, Guren pulls him close again and holds him tight.
"I'm sorry," Guren whispers. "Shinya, I..." His voice cracks. "I am so sorry."
"It's alright," Shinya croaks out. "I survived it. I'm...I'm fine."
"No, you're not. You're not fine," Guren says, pulling away just enough to cup Shinya's face in his hands. "And that's okay, Shinya."
Shinya makes a sound of disagreement, because Guren just doesn't get it, doesn't understand how broken he is, how he just isn't worth it. "No, you don't understand, I-"
"Shinya, it's okay." Guren leans forward so that their foreheads are touching. "You don't need to be fine all the time. It's okay to be upset. It's okay to be in pain." His voice now is barely audible. "It's okay to let someone see you."
Shinya swallows hard, feeling embarrassed because suddenly he's crying again, and he hates that.
"Shh," Guren murmurs, brushing the tears from his cheeks. "It's okay, Shinya."
"No, it's not!" Shinya snaps, trying to pull away. "How do you not hate me like this, I'm pathetic!"
Guren gives him a glare so fierce that it scorches his soul. "Don't you ever," he growls, "say that again."
"Guren-"
"I'm serious," Guren says, his voice and expression softening. "You are the strongest person I know, Shinya. Don't talk about yourself like that."
Shinya scoffs, because that is the single most ridiculous thing he's ever heard in his life. "I'm not strong, Guren."
"You are," Guren insists. "You don't see yourself clearly," he continues, ignoring Shinya doubtful expression. "You don't see yourself the way I do, Shinya." He tilts his head up and presses a gentle barely-there kiss to Shinya's forehead, the action causing Shinya's heart to leap in his chest. "You are strong."
Shinya is once more at a loss for words. Guren has, yet again, rendered him speechless.
He finds that this time...this time he doesn't mind as much.
Finally, though, he searches his heart and finds words that he hopes will let Guren know how very much he just helped. Words that will let other man know that he, miraculously, has given Shinya something he thought he'd never have.
"Guren..."
"What?"
"...Thank you."