i don't own any of the characters or the settings...
I am truly sorry that this took two weeks. no i really am. And that isn't a 'sorry i forgot to do that essay on the categorical imperative'. that's sorry i truly hope you forgive me...really.
this is devoted to every person who hounded me for reviews, and made me seriously behind in my revision for exams next week...yikes! (if only i could do this professionally...) any way...longest chapter EVER, so settle down, get yourself a bite to eat and enjoy! (hope it was worth the wait!)
thanks to 1987 and rdrherrera!
...i love you guys...no really
oh and the song is by Syd Matters! it's very cute...Chapter 11
To All of You
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Do you ever wonder that if you had made a different choice somewhere along the way, you wouldn't be the same person you are today? If you hadn't turned left. If you had taken art instead of chemistry at school. If you had kissed Dennis Parker in tenth grade. If you had studied for that test. If you hadn't gone to the bar that night. Hell, if you had just walked into any other bar. Who would you be? And by stepping through that next door and making that next turn… who are you becoming?
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Addison had just been to the gym. A big sweaty gym, full of panting, wet and dedicated people, all running towards their same imaginary destination on the treadmills. And…as of that morning, she was going to be one of them. She was also going to stop drinking (well, maybe just the harder stuff to start off with) and that tiny, tiny chocolate bar she took from the mini bar was going to be her last. She was going to change…be an independent woman. Strong, no problems…nothing. No one in the hospital would know what was going on. All they would see is a cool calm exterior. Very cool, totally calm. But, Addison wasn't calm…she'd just run 3 miles and her heart rate was racing…well, she'd left the gym at seven o'clock an it was now ten. It was not the exercise, it was taking that first step into Seattle Grace Hospital as Dr. Montgomery, that had her heart racing.
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"So how's your head?" Mark asked, running a little to catch up with the intern who had just finished pre-rounds.
"Am I that obvious?" she stopped and asked, self-consciously.
"Sorry?"
"Do I look hung over? Is it that obvious?" she brought a hand up to her face
"No, you look fine." He replied gently taking her hand back down to her side, "George said you went out last night, didn't he tell you…"
"He hasn't said anything," Meredith replied.
"He didn't say that, I…" Mark slowly realized.
"We just did pre-rounds together, is there something I should know?"
"No, not you." He replied, "You better hurry, that Bailey woman is on a war path."
"She is?" the intern asked, with an exasperated sigh, "I've got to go."
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"Ok." Miranda Bailey called over her clipboard, "Karev?"
"Dr. Bailey?"
"What did you do to Addison Shepherd?"
"Sorry?"
"You're on her service…again, today. The two premature infants."
"I'm what?" he asked, exasperated, "No way!"
"Yes way, Dr. Karev. That's a very interesting case…you, should be happy" Bailey replied to his protests, as she scanned her clipboard for the next intern's job. "Grey, O'Malley and Stevens, there is a small child that has been mauled by a dog down in the ER."
"Man, that's plastics!" Alex exclaimed frustrated.
"And Neuro." Bailey commented absently, "The kid has a concussion. Fell over."
"You know what." Meredith said, realizing who the two surgeons she would be working with today were going to be, "I looked after the babies yesterday…I know their charts. Maybe Alex or Cristina…"
"No swapping!" the resident commanded angrily "I assign, you do. End of story."
"I haven't been assigned to anything…" Cristina said eagerly, but quickly stopped when she saw her resident's irritated face, "yet."
"Dr. Burke asked for you to assist him with his patient yesterday, and apparently you were too busy." Bailey turned to Cristina, "So today, you are going to feel what it is really like to be too busy to scrub in on an interesting surgery, Dr. Yang."
"How did you…"?
"Does not matter how I know." She said, turning around to all her interns "But if any of you let your personal lives get in the way of you saving someone else's you will live to regret it. Understand? And I will know."
They nodded mutely.
"Next time you have a problem with your attending, Dr. Yang, you suck it up and you act professionally. Just like Dr. Grey here is going to do today." She stared at the intern to make sure her point was understood. "Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes," Meredith answered glumly, it was going to be a wonderful day.
"Ok then, shoo!" she replied, waving her hand in the air as her interns scattered obediently.
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"Okay…" Dr. Mark Sloan, said, sliding into his next patient's room, "Who's going to fill me in here?"
"This is Sid," Izzie replid,"he's seven years old…"
"I'll be eight in two days!" the child interrupted .
"Eight in two days." Izzie complied with a smile, "He was mauled by a dog, sustained a head injury and lost consciousness."
"Right." The surgeon said, moving over to the patient. "Where are your parents?"
"My Mom's down at the cafeteria," the child replied.
"We can fill her in when she comes back. We're looking at about five larger facial lacerations…that will require stiches. And there's one more problem." He looked up at his interns. "Any ideas?"
The interns shuffled nervously, George and Izzie didn't have the answers and they weren't used to that. Meredith, on the other hand, didn't want to be noticed.
"Okay…" Mark said still surveying the silence. "If we don't know we can ask our patient what's wrong."
"I can't breath good," the child answered dutifully.
The surgeon smiled at his patient before turning back to his interns. "Any guesses? O'Malley, you're a competent Doctor, aren't you?"
"Yes sir, but…"
"Well, then. What's wrong?"
"I'm not too sure," George protested, "We're not taught about plastics procedures."
But, the attending just laughed.
"You don't need to be taught about this from med school." He replied cockily, "You could get this out of a book!"
"If I had of know I would have been on this case, I would have read up Dr. Sloan…"
But Mark wasn't really paying attention to George; he was looking rather, at the intern, who was shyly avoiding his gaze and chuckled lightly.
"Dr. Grey, you read books."
"Yes." She finally looked at him.
"Care to…" he motioned to Sid.
"I…um." She hesitated, before moving over to the bed, she pulled out her torch, but only pretended to use it. She could clearly see that the left nostril had collapsed.
"Dr. Grey?"
"I'd suggest a rhinoplasty, on the left side, using foreign tissue to create a support, while the bridge heals…"
"Well," he turned to his patient, "I know which doctor you'd rather have."
The child just smiled at him as Mark continued, "Dr. Stevens, I'll need some help with sutures. Dr. Grey, could you go talk to Sid's parents about the procedure."
"Um, Dr. Sloan?" George asked warily.
"Get me a coffee O'Malley." He said, and turned to look at the intern with his best smirk."Do you think you can do that?"
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Dr. Shepherd strode into his patients room in his usual dreamy style. Letting his hair bounce slight, and his breath racing just a little. He was anticipating flirting with his intern, but got an unwelcome surprise…
Mark was bent over the patient, carefully performing his world-class sutures, and sharing pearls of wisdom with Dr. Stevens and the intern he'd been thinking about all day. His intern.
"And that's the last stitch." Dr. Sloan said as he quickly and expertly pulled the thread through and tied a small knot.
"You did a great job Sid!" Izzie added.
"Got a bit of a hero here," Meredith joined in. None of them had noticed the doctor behind them.
"Well, I'm going to grab your mom's signature." Dr. Sloan said, collecting all the materials he had used, and pulling his gloves off.
"What's he gonna do?" the child asked and pointed to the neurosurgeon.
"So many things…" Mark mumbled under his breath, as he stood up and walked out of the room.
"I'm Dr. Shepherd," he introduced himself, once the plastics specialist had left the room. "I'm here to make sure that you didn't sustain any injuries when you hit your head."
"Okay."
"Um…Dr. Stevens, take him down to get an MRI. I'll probably just have to clear him for surgery."
"Right."
"Okay Sid," the surgeon said, charismatically to his patient "Dr. Stevens here is going to take you down to our MRI to take some pictures of your brain."
"It can see in my head?" the child asked, excited.
"Sure can!" the Doctor replied with a smile, as Dr. Stevens pulled out the bed and started the long arduous journey down to imaging. "Cute kid."
"He's a special one…" Meredith commented absently, still consulting the patient's chart. Well, she was struggling to. She was alone with McDreamy and she knew that he had planned it this way.
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As usual, there was a large line for the MRI. Izzie never thought to call ahead. When her patient wasn't critical it never really registered. She didn't mind this time because her patient was full of conversation. Nothing was worse then having an awkward patient, usually a nervous middle-aged woman, and then spending the next hour in a conversational deadlock.
"It uses magnets to take a photo of your brain," the intern explained to the amazed seven-year-old.
"So if I put a magnet to my head, can I take pictures too?"
"Well, it doesn't really work like that…"
"No these are super magnets!" Alex said, coming up from behind Izzie, trailing an incubator behind him, "They send messages to all the tiny cells in your body."
"They talk to them." Izzie offered
"It's going to talk to me?" the child asked excitedly. Izzie was glad that the information didn't scare him.
"Sure is." Alex replied, and then turned to Izzie "speaking of which, when are you gonna talk to me?"
"We're talking now," Izzie said, slightly amused at his attempts to reconcile.
"Right," he replied and kissed her quickly on the cheek, "well, there's more where that came from, but right now." He gestured to the incubator "cutsies?"
"We've got to wait a little longer Sid." Izzie said with a sigh
"That's ok." He replied, unfazed "are you guys married?"
Izzie nearly choked, "Us? No…no we're not married."
"You're not, cause that what my cousin does and she just got married at the seaside. I was the page boy." He said smugly, before realising that his question wasn't answered, "So then, what are you?"
"Um." Izzie looked over at Alex who was just as uncomfortable as she was. They should probably sort this out.
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"Derek…" Meredith warned
"I miss you Meredith." He said, slowly moving towards the intern.
"Really, Derek?" She asked tentatively "you're not just saying that because Addison divorced you?"
"I can't see my world without you. Meredith Grey…I love you." He smiled, "I miss what we had. I miss kissing you. I miss waking up next to you. I miss picking you for surgeries when I shouldn't. I miss you…and I should never have let it get to the stage where I'd be missing you…I love you, and I can't go another moment without knowing if there's even the smallest chance, that you still have feelings for me."
"Whoa…" Came a voice from the door, "Am I interrupting something?"
Mark Sloan had been listening outside and could not let it go on anymore. He looked from the uncomfortable surgical intern and then to Derek, and tried not to let his feelings for the surgeon show.
"The mother wants to speak to you." He said, "She wants to wait till after his birthday to have the surgery."
"Great," Derek replied sarcastically.
Mark moved out of the doorway to make room for Derek, who purposely brushed past him. Mark didn't mind…he knew he deserved it. He slowly looked up at Meredith. She was standing numbly in the corner. He wanted to go over to her, but he didn't know if it was his place.
"I…I had to stop it." He said awkwardly from the doorway. "Sorry."
She just nodded, not really looking at him. Mark sighed and walked out. Derek was always there and always there with something better, always first.
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There was no one at the geriatrics nurses desk. The place was unusually deserted. George couldn't handle it. He'd answered every page out of pure fear of Dr. Bailey. And this was the third today, when he answered something that wasn't really there. He was happy that there was no one there. Because, it meant that he didn't have to go through the embarrassment of having to constantly explain himself to the nursing staff. Who must think he's insane by now. This was his second beeper in some many days, so it wasn't the beeper. And if the nurses were playing a prank on him, they certainly weren't around to enjoy it. In fact they were starting to get very annoyed with his constant accusations. The intern sighed, and took a seat in one of the abandoned office chairs. He slowly turned himself around. He didn't think about the beeper. All he saw was a picture of Dr. Sloan and Meredith. They disgusted him. Him, favouring her. Her knowing everything! George might've had the same chance if his mother was a surgeon too. Rhinoplasties…that wasn't common knowledge. And that wasn't fair.
He spun gently on the chair, engulfed in his thoughts. The quietness of the hospital ward providing an unusually comfortable place for the intern. No plastic surgeons. No Neurosurgeons. And no beepers. He sighed as he made one rotation, but stopped suddenly. He could've sworn that the Venetian blinds of the adjacent office moved. He couldn't be watched. If Bailey found out he wasn't answering a page and slacking off…
Four fingers slipped back through to the other side of the blind. Someone had been watching him thought the blinds. He stood up slowly. Careful not a make a noise, and slowly crept across to the doorway. He heard a small thud, and the ruffling of pages, from inside the room. Someone was watching him.
He stepped inside the office, and spotted a nurse sitting quietly at the desk. She was pouring over some paper work, and waited until she'd finished her last line before she looked up. She looked at him through glasses with a thick rectangular frame, her beady brown eyes quickly dating over him to see who it was. She had her hair roughly packed into a high ponytail. She looked like she meant business, but that look quickly evaporated after she really took him in and began to laugh.
"Dr.. George O'Malley…" she giggled
"Hi." The doctor stuttered, "Were you watching me?"
"The infamous Dr. O'Malley."
"Sorry," George was confused, "How do you know me?"
"No reason," the nurse replied simply, "I mean, you're the heart in the elevator guy, right?"
"Um, yeah." The intern had almost forgotten.
"Katia was on that case," the nurse motioned to another nurse who was sitting shyly in the corner, who gave a brief wave before turning back to her work.
"Nurse Hillary," the intern replied, thankful his memory pulled through this time. He hated it when he didn't remember names.
"Well, great job." She replied. And she returned to her work.
The intern stared at her a moment and then turned to the other nurse, both were acting like he wasn't there. George quickly got the message and left. More confused than he was when he came in.
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George's pager didn't ring again until one o'clock. He trundled off to the plastic department. The intern was getting the impression that Dr. Sloan was picking on him. He fetched the attending a coffee. Two different threads for sutures…he had changed him mind when he saw them both. George was pretty sure that Mark knew he hadn't told Meredith. So what? No reason to take away time that George could be spent being a doctor…instead of Mark Sloan's personal maidservant.
"O'Malley!" The attending swirled around on his chair to face the intern, wearing one very smug grin, "You're not busy are you?"
"Well, I was just helping…"
"Great." The attending replied, swirling back around to his work "I left my brief case in the patients room."
"You know I have important…"
"Go O'Malley!" the Doctor ordered sternly but absently, as he concentrated on his work. The intern had no opportunity to protest, as he couldn't secure Dr. Sloan's attention. He quickly left with a sigh.
The attending chuckled to himself as George left. He didn't carry a brief case. He quickly left the paper work on his desk…Dr. Mark Sloan did not do paperwork if he could help it, especially when he could go home. The doctor did not do anything he didn't have to and it had taken him this far. Dr. Sloan didn't go out of his way to talk to someone, he didn't tell people how he felt. He didn't need to, to be happy in the past. But as he collected his keys and hung his white coat, that sported his name and several impressive acronyms behind it, on the hanger behind his door, the surgeon realised that his usual wasn't going to be good enough to get what he wanted this time.
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Meredith came into the patient's room, she just wanted somewhere to escape to. And in hindsight, the best place to hide from the two surgeons was probably not the room of a patients they were both treating. But Meredith couldn't think clearly. Sid was sleeping. Thank god.
Meredith slumped into her chair that was normally reserved for parents and friends and people that had to make life-changing decisions about other people. She was pretty sure that this chair was the most appropriate place for her to sit right now.
Sid began to shake violently. Meredith got up quickly and ran over to the other side of his bed. She panicked. She knew to roll him over on his side. But the seizures wouldn't stop that way and there was something she was supposed to do, but couldn't. There was a choice she was supposed to make, but she couldn't do it.
"Meredith have you seen Dr. Sloan's… What are you doing?" he asked, running over to the wall and pressing the code button "Meredith?"
But she couldn't respond. All she could do was stare blankly at the child who couldn't control his body.
"Move!" George yelled as he made his way over to the dip and administered the valproic acid.
Meredith just took a step back and watched as the faceless medical professionals came in to assist George. She heard words like 'subdural haematoma' but she couldn't even think of what they meant. All she could do was glace at her watch, five o'clock, walk numbly out of the room to get changed. Her shift was over.
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If Christina weren't so tired she would have considered not turning the key of her apartment at all. Bailey had seen to it that she did not have a spare minute of the day to even have a coffee. She could barely walk and regardless of how long she spent in the shower, she still smelt of vomit. She cringed as she entered the display home that was her apartment. Burke was sitting at the table that was set for two, as it was every night when he got off before she did. But she knew that something was different and it was all her fault.
"How was surgery?" she asked as casually as she could, sitting down.
"Mr. Lowe will live to see another day," the surgeon replied, resting his elbow on the table so he could look at the intern who was trying so intently to avoid his gaze, "How about you?"
"Bailey decided that I wasn't allowed to do any surgery today. But I'm trying to get on Dr. Montgomery's premature infants case."
"Well, good luck." He said, without any trace of sarcasm. Cristina couldn't continue.
"I don't apologize."
"I can see that."
"But I do wish that things happened differently." She moved her peas around her plate,.
"I wish you didn't get pissed off so easily,"
Preston Burke looked at her over his glasses
"And I wish I wasn't responsible for it."
He chuckled lightly
"Is that alright?" she asked, "cause that's really the best I can do."
"I don't really want the apology," he said returning to his dinner.
"Then why'd you ask me to?"
"You were avoiding me."
"You were angry with me."
"No, I never said that," he replied, "…you put all that guilt on yourself."
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The right sorts of people don't want apologies. They know you; they know that that's who you are. They understand that two words or three words can't fix everything. It isn't the words. It's the guilt that you feel. It's that you realize that you made a mistake and you want to change what you did. But you can't. All you can do, is realize that you were wrong. And try to make it better again.
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The doorbell rang at about eight o'clock. Almost at the same time that Meredith was preparing to go to Joe's. Derek had floored her. And thus, she needed some tequila. What she did not need was Mark Sloan at her door.
"Mark…" Meredith said softly, "what are you doing here?"
"Ok." He said with a sigh, "Here's the deal. You don't get to talk. Whenever I try to talk theses days people keep interrupting me and this time I have some important to say…okay?"
"Mark, what are you…"
"I was in love with Addison. I don't like to settle down, see. But you know, I thought maybe, she was worth it. Something changed and she isn't that woman anymore. I'm not a commitment person, I am a dirty mistress…Scratch that, I am the dirty mistress."
Meredith tried to laugh, but nothing came out
"There are three over-used words, that I throw around as much as I can, if I think it'll get me somewhere, and normally they do. But, I'm not going to say them to you, 'cause I don't think they really mean anything."
He grabbed her hand and chuckled with the weight of what he was about to say. "You're such an easy target and all you do is stress…I don't care. You mean the world to me, with all you insecurities, and your stubborn medicine and your alcoholism and your dirtiness. Every single bit." He stopped and swallowed before continuing.
"I think that's it. And I don't want you to reply, I just ask that you close that door and think about me…if you can, and what I said…and not of Derek. 'Cause I don't want to have you go back to him, when you could come back to me."
He let go of her hand. And let her watch him walk out to his rental car. He pulled out his keys, and pressed the button. The lights flashed, letting him know the car was unlocked. He turned around, to see her black shadow still standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He smiled and then opened the door. That was possibly the most mature thing he had ever done.
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Addison was a little earlier for work today then usual. This was because she'd left an hour to go to the gym this morning, but…didn't. She did her hair and ate a chocolate bar. Her fantastic no-husband resolutions had seemed to float right out of the window. She decided to go and get some sushi from the canteen. The Japanese were a healthy race…probably with a great divorce rate. Raw fish wrapped in rice and seafood screamed healthiness and could easily counteract the lack of gym, chocolate and the generous glass of scotch she downed last night. But she got a page before she could find out. This was not going well. Addison was not a new person. This was just a new day with the old Addison and more infants and mothers who were struggling to live.
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"Oh god, sorry. I'll try the next…Meredith?" George asked, suddenly recognizing the dormant lump under the generic on-call room blanket.
"What George?"
"You don't look great…did you come home last night?"
"I was home for some of the night…"
"Did you come home after you went to Joe's?"
"I didn't want to drive." Meredith moaned, "and there's a bed just here."
"Didn't Bailey…"
"Hasn't seen me yet…and isn't going to."
"Are you okay Meredith?"
"No George," Meredith said bringing her hands up to cradle her face, "I nearly killed that kid…stone dead and I can't sleep no matter how hard I try…all I can think of is how stupid my life is."
"You're life isn't stupid." George said, and hesitated before saying "If there's anything I can do…"
"I think I just need to stare at the wall a little longer…" Meredith replied, and turned away from George. Silently telling him to leave her alone again. George did just that wishing that there were something he could really do.
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It was about two o'clock and Meredith was drifting between sleep and consciousness. Her pager hadn't gone off yet and she'd run through every scenario in her head and was beginning to repeat herself. It was almost enough to lull her off to sleep, when Meredith sensed a presence in the room.
"So, I apologized to Burke." Christina said, standing over Meredith's bed.
"That's great Cristina…" Meredith mumbled, rolling over.
"He thinks he knows me. But he can't really. I mean I have to tell him things for him to know me… Right?"
"I'm hung-over Cristina…"
"So? You do some of your best work when you're drunk." Cristina drawled, before changing tone, "Help me, he knows all my feelings, my thoughts everything…soon I'll have nothing left!"
"Cristina."
"He's all, I know your going to do this, so I'll pre-empt that and I'll do this!"
"Then do something you wouldn't normally do." Meredith replied, sitting up slightly
"Spontaneity, huh?" Cristina asked, plans already forming in her head.
Meredith yawned, drawing the other intern out of her thoughts. "You look like shit."
"Get out!" Meredith yelled
"No really," Cristina laughed, not taking the other girl seriously
"I'd look a lot better if you people would let me sleep!"
"Okay, okay!" Christina quickly exited and closed the door.
Meredith was about to roll over when Cristina opened the door again, "What would I not do?"
"Go away!" Meredith replied, rolling over with the pillow. How could she even attempt to sleep when everyone wanted to talk to her?
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George was quietly filing out forms at the nurses station. He stared over at Nurse Beaton who was checking some patient's stats on the computer. He hadn't had a page all day and he was intrigued. Was it her? She looked up and smiled at him
"Are you finished with that chart Dr.. O'Malley?" She asked casually
"Sorry?"
"I need to update it." She said with a smile, "Are you on this case?"
"Yeah." He replied.
"Well, so am I." She said moving up from the desk. "You stop his seizures last night, yeah?"
"That was me." He replied meekly, trying to find the best excuse to leave.
"You're pretty good for an intern." She said plainly and walked away before George could even pretend that Bailey wanted him to do something.
He had no idea why she was talking to him, and wished she'd stop it.
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"I only have a small window of time where I can fix his nose with out leaving huge amounts of scar tissue. If you want your child to breath through his nose, I'm going to have to operate." Dr Sloan said persuasively.
"Which means that I have to see to the hematoma immediately."
"I just want him to see his eight birthday." The mother tried to hold back sobs.
"If you want him to see his ninth…"
"What Dr. Sloan is trying to say, is that my surgery is not elective." Derek interjected.
"Neither's mine" Mark replied.
"Your son is bleeding into his brain."
"But you said that could stop." The mother was becoming more and more confused.
"It is very likely that it will stop." Mark replied.
"He had a seizure Mark." Derek argued
"Doesn't mean it's not just a complication."
"No, I think it does." Derek said icily, "and as a neurologist…"
"Excuse me, doctors…" the mother tried to intervene.
"We've been through this Derek, if you're going to open him up, there's no reason why I can't restore his respiratory functions."
"Don't you have breasts to enlarge?" Derek asked.
"I'm going to go and get you some literature on rhinoplasties," the surgeon ignored the quip and focused on the mother.
"I should have the interns up at any moment to keep Sid going, depending on your choice," the neurosurgeon said.
And with that they left the bewildered mother to stare at the place where they were had been standing with the weight of her son's life on her shoulders.
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"Meredith" Izzie was banging on the on-call room door.
"Yes." She replied, roughly opening the door and facing her friend with the best smile she could muster.
"Were you sleeping?" she asked, "'cause you look tired."
"Everyone's just full of compliments aren't they?" she replied, quickly rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"McDreamy was looking for you." Izzie said teasingly
Meredith just groaned, "I'm not looking for him…"
"Something about convincing the mother."
"I don't think I can do this…" she replied, going back inside the room to fetch her shoes.
"Meredith, seriously, you need to pick one." Izzie said "I don't think your liver can take it much longer."
"My liver is fine, thank you very much."
"Sure it is." Izzie replied, and started to walk towards the patient's room as Meredith quickly jammed on her last shoe. She sighed, the last place Meredith wanted to be was that room.
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George was the only other person in the room when Izzie and Meredith entered. Izzie helped him with the monitor, as Meredith checked the unconscious patient's chart. Sid's injuries were becoming increasingly complicated.
"O'Malley." Mark Sloan said as he entered the room with Alex Karev on his tail, "did I ask for Decaf?"
"You didn't say…" George mumbled in reply, slightly jittery
"Alex, my preferred coffee?"
"Double-shot espresso." Alex replied dutifully.
"I don't like decaf." The plastic surgeon replied and was about to order the intern downstairs to fetch him another when Dr. Shepherd entered the room.
Meredith's job was beginning to look as complicated as the patient's chart. And the intern was feeling increasingly claustrophobic.
"Dr.. Karev, what are you doing here?" Derek asked, icily.
"He was assisting me with my previous case," Mark replied for the intern.
"Right." Derek replied, but altered his tone as soon as he noticed whom the intern hiding behind the chart was, "Meredith?"
"What?" she asked, angrily, "Can't you see I'm trying to work? I'm trying to be professional."
George shared an awkward glance with Izzie, and then they both turned to the two attendings. Mark was staring at the far corner of the room. Derek was completely taken aback
"I was going to ask you to change the IV." He replied softly. Mark quickly glanced at the other surgeon, he knew him too well and Derek was lying.
"This…" Meredith started slowly, breathing quickly with the embarrassment and pressure, "I can't be here anymore."
"Meredith." Izzie said gently, "It's ok, we have enough interns, go find another case."
"It's not just the case." She replied, looking from Derek to Mark. "I can't do it. You both want me to choose. I've been thinking about this all day and I can't…not now. I don't know how you want me to…or what you want me to do." A tear slowly rolled down her cheek.
"You don't have to make up your mind now…" Derek offered gently from the other side of the bed, but Mark couldn't agree and wouldn't look at Meredith.
"Something has to happen!" Meredith yelled "Cause this just doesn't work anymore. We can't work together. We can't talk normally. And no one's happy! Something has to happen. But I can't do it…and you know what? I didn't ask for this. You want answers? Stop looking at me like I have the answers. Both of you! I don't. You figure it out!"
And with that she ripped the stethoscope from around her neck, threw it down on the empty bed and stormed out of the room, to go and change and get out of this hospital as quickly as she humanly could.
Her absence was quickly replaced by an awkward silence. George didn't think, he just left straight after Meredith. Alex moved over to Izzie and dragged her out of the room and into the corridor.
"Are you just going to let him go?" Alex asked.
"What are you talking about?" Izzie asked, not really listening "What's Meredith going to do?"
"You don't even know what I'm talking about!" Alex said angrily and ran after George.
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You are always in control of your life. And you can't ever forget it. Every conscious and subconscious choice you have made, has in turn made you who you are. We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision.
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Meredith tried to fling her scarf around her neck, but she missed. She tried to knot it but it didn't look right. She gave it up and just let it hang on either side of her neck.
She stared her herself in the mirror with her face red from tears.
She knew what she was going to do…or more accurately what she was going to order. And as she came to the exit she could see the rain clouds awaiting her through the giant glass doors.
"Dr. Grey?" Came a voice from behind her.
Meredith cringed as she stopped and turned around. She had to because it was Dr. Bailey, but she didn't want her resident to see that she had been crying.
"I didn't mean to…" Meredith started.
"Leave?" Dr. Bailey asked, raising her eyebrows, but using her softer voice. "I didn't see any professional conduct in your case Dr. Grey."
"I'm sorry Dr. Bailey, but…"
"There are enough interns to cover the floor, thanks for asking." She said moving over to the intern, who stood rather numbly, unsure if she was going to be told off or not. The resident grabbed both ends of the scarf and threw them expertly around the girl's shoulders. "You tried," she said with a soft smile "and I will tell them that I expect better from them next time."
"I can't figure them out…" Meredith said hopelessly.
"Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?" Bailey asked.
"No."
"She died laughing before she could tell anybody." She replied with a chuckle. "Go and do…what it is you do."
"Drink…lots." Meredith replied, with a slight grimace
"Maybe you can die laughing one day too." She said, and walked away from the young doctor.
Meredith sighed, happy that not everything was falling apart. She lightly fingered the newly tied scarf and made for the door, mentally preparing herself for the Seattle rain that awaited her.
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"Dude!" Alex called after George, after he finally caught up with him and grabbed his arm to stop George running any further, "What are you doing?"
"Let go of me!" George yelled.
"What do you think you're doing?" Alex asked.
"Nothing…" George lied.
"Don't be an idiot." Alex ordered, "Open your eyes and take a look at what you're really getting yourself into."
"I'm not getting myself into anything…"
"Shut up." Alex replied, "You know what's going to happen as well as I do. You're headed to the Joe's. You know she's at Joe's. And you're going to go and do something you know you'll regret."
"I'm not going to do anything…" George protested weakly.
"You should play to win O'Malley" Alex said, "And this time, you're not gonna win."
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Alex was pretty sure that fetus was not going anywhere, and was happy to let him sit down in the waiting room. Alex had time to kill, as it probably wasn't the best time to ask Sloan for more surgeries. He spotted Izzie at the top of the staircase and decided to finish their conversation.
"What were you doing?" Alex asked as he furiously climbed the stairs, "How could you let him just…"
"Are you lecturing me?" Izzie asked, returning the tone.
"You just let O'Malley go off like that?"
"He needs to get his feelings off his chest, Alex." Izzie reasoned, "You know what he's been like."
"And what do you think he'll be like after she's rejected him? Huh?" Alex had reached the top of the stairs and was now much taller then Izzie, "You're just going to let that happen? 'Cause you know it will. You know exactly what he is getting himself into."
"I don't know how Meredith feels." Izzie said, "Meredith doesn't even know how Meredith feels!"
"Don't give me that!" Alex interjected, "You're supposed to be his friend! You supposed to do something when he is too messed up to think straight. You're a pretty shitty friend, if you ask me."
"You know, Alex." Izzie replied biting her lip angrily, "Whatever we are…you're pretty shitty at that too!"
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Take that! yeah...
so when i said that this was the longest chapter ever...i lied. i've almost finished the next one and it's already longer. so review and i'll see if i can get it up by the end of the week!
oh i can't do that...i'll hopefully update no matter what you think. but i'd love to hear you thoughts. i want to try really replying to them too, 'cause i got my first reply to a review and it was awesome. so say hi...and i'll say hi back!