Disclaimer: Filius Flitwick belongs to JK Rowling.

A/N: So apparently, the concept of a mandatory reporter doesn't exist at all in Britain. Thanks to fredfred for pointing that out. I'll have to think about what to do about that.

Yes, it's true that for this genre to work at all, a few things have to be contrived: Umbridge's failure to read all the way through the book, her desire for a public reading, everyone's acceptance of the truth of the story. To truly make it a strict realist interpretation would take many chapters of investigation and fact-checking, which are really beyond the scope of the plot, but that's why I listed Parody as one of the genres. Or maybe it's more of a reverse parody: it's a fundamentally silly premise taken seriously.

Chapter 3: Flitwick

The Letters From No One

Filius quickly flipped through the front matter of the book and scanned the text. He also noticed the muggle publisher and future copyright date, but he didn't dwell on them. Minerva was probably already planning to slip a message to Albus in secret, and Albus probably knew a lot more than he did already and was ironically in a better position to investigate them now that he was on the run. As much as he didn't like airing out one of his student's secrets, the worst of the damage was done (he hoped), and Minerva and young Harry seemed to have a plan (he hoped even more). Anyway, he knew he was could do more to help his students in school than out of it, so he started reading.

"Chapter Three," he began, "The Letters From No One.

"The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment. By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started—I do hope you're taking notes on this as well, Auror Shacklebolt."

"Naturally, Professor Flitwick," the Auror replied, and Filius noted with satisfaction that Weasley was scribbling it down, too. Maybe the boy wasn't a total loss after all.

Down at the Gryffindor Table, Harry answered his friends worried looked with, "I still went to school, and it was the last week anyway."

Unfortunately, Filius noted, the end of primary school was no respite for the Harry in the book, who had to suffer through Dudley's "gang" and their favourite sport: Harry Hunting. The good news was that they would be going to different schools in the autumn: Dudley to an expensive private school with an atrocious uniform where they apparently liked to whack each other with sticks, and Harry to the local comprehensive, whatever that was.

And then, Harry received it: his Hogwarts letter. He could feel the Hall holding its breath in anticipation of the moment Harry would learn the truth and tear the Dursleys a new one.

"Mr. H. Potter

"The Cupboard under the Stairs

"4 Privett Drive

"Little Whinging

"Surrey"

Noticing glares directed at certain teachers from the students, Minerva cut in, "For the record, the school letters are addressed automatically. No one would have taken a close look at them before giving them to the owls."

Filius narrowed his eyes. He seemed to remember of bit of trouble with the letters that year, so he didn't expect things would be quite that easy. Alas, his suspicions were proved correct when the Dursleys took the letter away from Harry before he could read it. Both Vernon and Petunia seemed terrified at the thought of Harry finding out the truth, not just angry. Interesting. Not surprising, but interesting.

Hermione gave Harry a funny look at the Gryffindor Table. "Why would they just send you a letter?" she asked him. "Professor McGonagall came to explain things in person to me."

"They assumed I already knew about magic," he said. "Aunt Petunia did know, so they figured she'd tell me."

"Even though she hates you?"

Harry shrugged. "That doesn't mean she wouldn't have told me, especially with the accidental magic and stuff. Sometimes, I'm surprised I didn't figure it out for myself. Did you?"

"I knew something strange was going on," she said, "but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me, and my parents convinced themselves that they just imagined anything that defied the laws of physics."

"Huh, so pretty much the opposite of the Dursleys. They knew what was going on, but pretend it wasn't."

"I guess."

The Dursleys tried to pass the letter off as someone writing to the wrong address, which was the lamest of excuses given that it was addressed to Harry's cupboard, and even more so because it scared them enough that someone was watching the house that they decided to give Harry the spare bedroom—correction, one of two spare bedrooms—the one filled with Dudley's broken toys and unread books. ("Now, that's just ridiculous," Filius said.)

"Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smeltings stick, been sick on purpose, kicked—ahem—kicked his mother and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof and he still didn't have his room back. By Ragnuk! If I'd done half of that at his age, my mother would have had me shovelling dragon dung at Gringotts for a week!"

"I'll see what we can do, then, Professor," Kingsley said with a smile.

"Hem hem," Umbridge cut in, "interesting goblin punishments aside, I believe we should move on."

Filius rolled his eyes and kept reading. He'd thought Dudley was spoilt before, but this was just absurd. The next day a second letter came, this time addressed to Harry in "The Smallest Bedroom", starting a three-way fight between Harry, Dudley, and Vernon over it, which Harry lost. The day after that, Harry took the initiative and tried to camp out early to get the post first. This didn't go so well either.

"AAAAARRRGH!"

"Filius! What is it?" McGonagall said.

"That's what the book says, Minerva: AAAAARRRGH!"

"Honestly, Filius," she groaned as the students laughed.

Filius grinned and kept reading. Harry had stepped on his uncle, who had been so desperate to stop Harry from receiving his letter that he had slept in front of the door. After receiving not one, but three letters that day, Vernon boarded up the mail slot, on the theory that if it wasn't possible to deliver the letters, the wizards would give up.

"'Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me,' said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruit cake Aunt Petunia had just brought him."

The Weasleys roared with laughter, along with much of the Great Hall. Hermione snickered a little, but she was one of the few who weren't so enthused. "But wasn't your aunt the one who actually lived with a witch?" she asked.

"Yeah, but I think she deliberately refused to learn anything about us," Harry said.

"Well, they're being idiots," Ron said. "Even I know we're the stubborn ones, not muggles."

"It's not putting muggles in a very good light," Hermione huffed.

"Hermione, it's impossible for the Dursleys not to make muggles look bad," Harry said. "Just listen to Flitwick. This'll be great."

Hermione folded her arms, but even she couldn't help laughing when twelve letters came the next day, stuffed through the cracks around the door. Vernon then boarded up all the cracks around both the front and back doors.

"How were you supposed to get in and out?" Hermione said.

Harry shook his head: "They weren't really in their right minds at that point."

On Saturday, twenty-four letters came rolled up inside two dozen eggs passed in through the window.

"Is that automatic as well, Minerva?" Filius asked shrewdly.

"The second letter was," McGonagall replied. "When it became multiple letters, however, I suspect that was Albus's doing."

"Why didn't you just go meet Mr. Potter in person?"

"Albus didn't tell me it had grown that serious. I was busy with muggle-born visits that week, and I assumed he had it in hand."

"Quite a waste of time and resources," Umbridge said. "This ridiculous posturing of Dumbledore's certainly did Mr. Potter no favours and only served to make everyone look foolish."

"I quite agree," Fudge said. "I see what you meant about mismanagement. The silly old man routine is hardly suitable to run a school." Percy looked like he agreed, but even he couldn't keep from laughing at the Headmaster's antics.

On Sunday, Vernon's hopes of no post were dashed when thirty or forty letters shot out of the fireplace. They then packed their bags and began driving randomly around the country, trying to "shake 'em off", much to Dudley's horror. The next morning, a hundred letters were delivered to the front desk at their hotel in Cokeworth.

"Cokeworth?" Snape cut in in surprise.

"That's what it says Severus," Filius said.

"But that's Lily's and Petunia's hometown! They won't 'shake us off' there."

"Oh? You knew Lily Potter, Professor Snape?" Umbridge said.

"Lily Evans at the time. And we were the two best potions students in our year," he said smoothly. "I could hardly avoid becoming acquainted with her."

Harry's eyes bugged out as he stared at the High Table: "My mum was a potions expert?" he said.

"You didn't know?" Hermione said.

"No, Sirius and Remus never mentioned it. They mostly talk about Dad. Ollivander said she was great with Charms, but no one ever mentioned Potions."

"Do you think that's why Snape always sounds so annoyed with you?" Ginny asked. "Cause you're not as good?"

"I don't know…But why would he? He's a Death Eater and she was muggle-born."

"I dunno. Some people are just weird," Ginny said.

Most of the students were laughing by now. By Monday night, even Petunia and Dudley had realised that Vernon was out of his mind, but they still didn't try to stop him. They finally wound up in a rundown shack on a rock in the North Sea that was only accessible by rowboat in the middle of a storm. They had no electricity, no fire, and almost no food, and even that didn't dissuade Vernon Dursley from his quest to escape the mysterious letters. Filius couldn't figure out why the shack was even there, let alone what Vernon was planning to do next, nor could anyone else. The Harry in the book could only wait for his birthday, which was the following day. But when midnight came—

"BOOM," Filius shouted loudly.

"Ah! What on earth, Filius?" McGonagall said.

"That's what it says, Minerva: BOOM. The whole shack shivered and Harry sat bolt upright, staring at the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in."