Disclaimer: Cuthbert Binns belongs to JK Rowling.

A/N: I can see why so many people try to write these fics. They're so easy to write because you're following a script…but they're even easier if you do the sensible thing and cut the chapters down to size.

Chapter 6: Binns

The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

Professor Snape made sure to meet the High Inquisitor before breakfast the next morning. He was surprised that she hadn't declared herself Headmistress yet, but he supposed that with things still in flux, she had decided that could wait. Depending on how long these books were, it could take weeks before everything was sorted out. He had more pressing matters, though.

The Dark Lord was pleased with Dumbledore being ousted from the castle, but he was apparently as baffled as everyone else about the book about Potter and was concerned about what else it might reveal. Snape had reported back that he was investigating thoroughly, which was true, although he left out the part about the book being from the future and a few other critical details. Right now, he had to learn something for Albus.

"Good morning, Professor Umbridge," he said.

"Good morning, Professor Snape," she replied.

"I wanted to talk to you before breakfast starts, given what happened yesterday," he got to the point. "Are you planning on continuing your little disruption today?"

"I most certainly am. We have a lot of ground left to cover. Do you have a problem with that?"

"I am concerned that you might. As much as I appreciate your efforts to clean up the school—Merlin knows it needs it—you are playing a dangerous game."

"And just what is that supposed to mean, Professor Snape?" Umbridge said suspiciously.

"I mean that Dumbledore and his followers are not to be underestimated. They are very shrewd. Besides that, as an academic matter, as far as bad influences on the school go, I can think of several who are worse than Dumbledore."

"The Minister and I respectfully disagree," she said with a voice that carried very little respect under the surface. "And I was under the impression that you didn't think very highly of the Headmaster yourself."

Snape answered as lazily as he could manage: "I find myself torn. I may not have agreed with Dumbledore on much, but I did owe him my job, such as it is."

"And you're concerned about your position here with him gone?" Umbridge asked. "You're a competent teacher, Professor Snape. You passed your review with little trouble. I think there should still be a place in this school for you, as long as you understand which side you're on. Although perhaps I should ask which side that is?" she added threateningly.

"My own, of course," he said without missing a beat, and Umbridge giggled knowingly. "But I have never sided against the Ministry in that time. I even rendered personal aid to the Minister during the Sirius Black affair."

"Aha, so you did. It makes it so much simpler when a man knows where he stands, doesn't it? Rest assured I don't anticipate any trouble coming for you anytime soon."

"Thank you for that assurance, then, Professor Umbridge. I take it your performance yesterday has made some waves?"

"Certainly, and I expect today to further reinforce our new position."

"That book has been an uncommonly good windfall for you, hasn't it?" he said idly.

"It has indeed. So many problems solved so quickly. It's been a true godsend."

"May I asked how you acquired it?" Snape asked.

Umbridge smiled her sickly sweet smile: "I'm afraid that will have to stay a Ministry secret for now."

"Really?" he tried to salvage it the situation. "The Ministry? You've been away so little, I would have thought you somehow found it in the castle." This was it. He drew up his magic and sent a wandless Legilimency spell at her, trying to read her thoughts about where the book had come from…

And ran smack into an Occlumency shield.

Damn. Damn. Damn. He didn't think she was that smart. She smiled coyly at him, not giving any indication whether she'd even noticed the probe. If not, he was clear. If she had, he could hopefully play it off as overzealous curiosity.

Her answer to him, though, was not accusatory: "Dumbledore was right about one thing, Professor Snape: help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it."

Harry Potter walked into the Great Hall, half-dreading and half-eager for the morning ahead. He had no doubt that Umbridge would make good on her promise to continue her bizarre book reading today. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. How on Earth had that happened—and from the future? He kept telling himself that it would vindicate him in the end, though, and maybe even more, so he would accept any trouble as it came.

And he'd got quite an earful of trouble last night. Sirius wasn't too happy that Harry had never called him on that weird two-way mirror thing, although to be fair he'd never actually told him what it was. Harry had expected some kind of magic dog whistle or something. Sirius had been really furious to learn of the Dursleys' treatment of Harry. Dumbledore apparently hadn't told him (Big surprise, he thought), and he'd had to remind him not to go out and curse them on the spot. Sirius had also been shocked to learn that the book was apparently from the future, although he was cautiously optimistic, as Harry was, that it would eventually come down on their side. He tried to ask Harry to take the mirror down to breakfast so he could hear it directly, but Harry insisted it was too great a risk.

By the time he got to breakfast, Umbridge, Fudge, Percy, and Kingsley were already there. Professor Grubbly-Planck was back, looking completely bewildered, filling Hagrid's seat. Hermione already had her parchment and self-inking quill out, ready to get started. Nearly everyone seemed to be waiting eagerly for news.

Harry shared what Sirius had told him with Hermione, but there wasn't much else to say that they didn't already know. Fudge finally stood up at the end of breakfast and briefly addressed the Great Hall. "Good morning. Good morning, everyone," he said. "We certainly had an exciting day yesterday, didn't we? I regret to report that Albus Dumbledore is still on the run, but I assure you that you are perfectly safe here. The Auror office is investigating his whereabouts, and we will find him."

That got mostly angry murmurs rather than approval, but Fudge didn't seem to notice. "Now, Professor Umbridge informs me we have twelve more chapters of her most fascinating book to read through, so let's get to it. Professor Umbridge?"

"Thank you Minister. We'll get started again right where we left off yesterday. Professor Binns, I believe you're the next most senior teacher?"

The history ghost was sitting in his little-used chair at the High Table, dozing.

"I thought you were the most senior teacher after the Heads of House, Septima," Professor Grubbly-Plank said to Professor Vector.

Vector shook her head. "No, Wilhelmina. I'm just the most senior who actually does anything. Binns has seniority on everyone in this school, including the Headmaster. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't sack him first, High Inquisitor. We've been complaining about him since before I was a student."

"A matter for another time, Professor Vector," Umbridge said. "Professor Binns?" she repeated, still getting no response.

"Can Professor Binns even read the book?" Grubbly-Plank said. "He can't hold it."

"Don't you remember him in class, Wilhelmina?" Vector asked. "Most ghosts have some small ability to manipulate things around them. Just lay it on the table in front of him, and he'll be able to turn the pages—if he wakes up, that is."

"Professor Binns?" Umbridge said louder, but he didn't wake. "Professor Binns!" Still no response.

"Allow me, Dolores," McGonagall said. She threw a wad of parchment through Binns's head, to laughter from the students.

The ghost blinked awake and stared around. "Huh? Wha? Whassgoinon?" he slurred.

"It's time for class, Cuthbert," McGonagall said loudly, setting the book in front of him. "Read this chapter to the students."

"Oh, right, of course," he said. "Thank you, Millicent. He immediately started droning as he stared at the page: "Chapter Six: The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters." Being Professor Binns, he never once questioned what he was reading. Unfortunately, even with such interesting material, his voice was as good as a sleeping draught. "Harry's last month with the Dursleys wasn't fun…"

"Seriously?" Ron said. "This is like the most interesting thing he's ever read, and he's still gonna put us all to sleep."

"Maybe Umbridge will be sensible for once and skip him?" Hermione said hopefully.

"Doubt it," Harry said. "She audited his class, and she didn't bother then."

Harry's relatives in the book were largely ignoring him during that month, which was better than usual, but still not very good. Luckily, they still grudgingly assented to take him to the train station.

"But didn't you get home from the train station on your own?" Ginny asked.

"Yeah, but I didn't have my trunk then."

"Oh, right."

"'Taking Dudley to the hospital,' growled Uncle Vernon. 'Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings,'" Binns droned on.

The ghost was halfway through the next paragraph before Fudge registered what he had said. "Weasley, make a note of that," he said quickly. "We'll want to check if the Obliviators took care of that hospital."

Binns didn't actually stop reading while he was talking. Things were a little confused in the Great Hall for a minute until people figured out that the Dursleys had driven away laughing after leaving Harry at the train station with no idea how to get onto the platform.

"Spiteful woman, she knew!" Snape growled.

"What did—Professor Binns, please! What did who know, Severus?" Flitwick asked.

"Petunia knew where the platform was," Snape said, even as Binns continued reading. "I remember seeing her with Lily at the station when we were students."

That was also news to Harry, although he wasn't surprised. He remembered that day well. He'd been terrified he would miss the train and be stranded, although he now knew someone would have come looking for him soon enough. Luckily, the Weasleys had solved his problem for him.

"'Now, what's the platform number?' said the boys' mother.

"'Nine and three quarters!' piped a small girl, also red-headed, who was holding her hand. Mum, can't I go…'

"'You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet. Alright, Percy, you go first.'"

"Why did your mum need to ask the platform number?" Hermione said in confusion.

"To make sure we remembered—mostly me," Ron answered. "What, didn't your folks ever remind you about things—oh, wrong person to ask."

Hermione rolled her eyes at him.

"It's not like they were undercover or anything," Harry said. "Percy's owl was kind of a giveaway. I probably would've figured it out just from that."

"Hm, true," Hermione agreed. "Come to think of it, how come the muggles don't notices a bunch of kids coming through with owls on specific days every year?"

Everyone shrugged at that.

The school laughed at hearing about the Weasley Twins' antics, and Neville turned bright red when the book mentioned him losing his toad. Some of Harry's friends and even a few students who didn't know him that well began to get a little nervous about what the book might say about them, although it didn't look too bad at the moment. The worst they heard was Fred wondering if Harry remembered what 'You-Know-Who' looked like.

"Ooh, you heard that?" he said. "Sorry, mate. I guess it's not really that funny anymore."

"It's okay," Harry said. "I got used to it pretty quick."

Ron appeared in Harry's compartment and promptly got a few glares from Hermione for his poor social skills ("I was eleven!" he defended himself), even though they probably annoyed her more than they did Harry. It didn't help matters when he complained about having to live up to the rest of his family, but before Hermione could say anything about that, they were distracted by something else Binns read.

"'I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand, and Percy's old rat.'

"Ron reached inside his jacket and pulled out a fat, grey rat, which was asleep."

"Oh, no, that bastard?" Harry groaned.

"Damn! I forgot about him," Ron said. "I can't believe I carried him in my pocket for three years!"

"Mr. Weasley!" Umbridge called from the High Table, snapping most of the students out of their Binns-induced stupor. With the quiet in the Hall, she'd finally noticed them talking. "Five points from Gryffindor. Do be quiet, and—Professor Binns, will you stop that?"

"—and he told Ron so, all about having to wear Dudley's old clothes—" Binns droned on.

"Professor Binns?"

"—proper birthday presents. This seemed to cheer—"

"Professor Binns, will you wait just a minute?"

"—didn't know anything about being a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort—"

"Professor Binns, stop that this instant!" Umbridge snapped.

But even this wasn't enough to stop the ghost professor. "—sounding both shocked and impressed—"

"Oh, honestly! Let me…" Professor Vector stood up, stalked over to Binns's seat, and grabbed the book away from him straight through his ghostly body. He stopped talking mid-word. "I have the next chapter anyway, I'll cover the rest of his shift," she said.

"You know, Dolores," McGonagall pointed out, "if you want to be a proper High Inquisitor, why don't you dismiss the one teacher that everyone agrees is completely ineffective? It would earn you some goodwill from everyone involved."

Umbridge looked to the Minister. "Seeing that display, I'm inclined to agree," Fudge said.

"Alright, then. Professor Binns, you're fired," Umbridge said. That led to both cheers (mainly from the Ravenclaws and Hermione) and groans, depending on how much people relied on that class for their nap time. "Thank you for taking over, Professor Vector."

"Not a problem, Dolores," Vector said, though she mainly sounded a little put-upon. "'You said You-Know-Who's name!' said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed. 'I'd have thought you, of all people—'

"'I'm not trying to be brave or anything, saying the name,' said Harry. 'I just never knew you shouldn't.'"

"Wow, I was clueless back then," Harry muttered to himself.

Professor Vector spent quite some time reading about Harry and Ron sharing sweets from the trolley, making the most mundane conversation sound more interesting than Binns could ever hope to, to just about everyone's relief. Soon enough, Neville and Hermione showed up looking for Neville's toad. Or rather, Hermione was looking for Neville's toad before she got distracted by Ron attempting magic.

"He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered looking wand. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.

"'Unicorn hair's nearly poking out. Anyway—'"

"Just a moment, Septima," McGonagall interrupted. "Do you mean to say that Mr. Weasley was using a secondhand wand damaged enough to have an exposed core for a full year before he broke it."

Professor Vector skimmed over the passage again and said, "That's what the book says, Minerva."

"Merlin, the boy's a lot brighter than I though. He was lucky to pass first year with a wand like that."

Ron wasn't sure whether to be proud or embarrassed by that assessment, especially when the Ron in the book immediately went on to undermine McGonagall's point by attempting a fake spell George had told him, to laughs from the rest of the school. Meanwhile, the young Hermione sounded even more like a talking encyclopedia at eleven than she did now.

"'Whatever house I'm in, I hope she's not in it,' said Ron."

Ron was quite red by now, and Hermione eyed him with a slightly hurt look. "I changed my mind, you know," he said. "We're all sure as hell glad you're here with us now."

She smiled a little then: "Well, I should hope so after all the times I saved your bums."

"Hey, we saved you a couple times too," he said.

"A couple," she replied primly.

The news about Gringotts being robbed might not have been terribly notable on its own when Professor Vector read it, but knowing what they did about what happened that year, the connection was obvious. And even those who weren't aware of it knew enough about the pattern of fantastic stories to recognise that it was probably-significant event. Nonetheless, it was glossed over quickly, overshadowed by the appearance of Draco Malfoy. The future Slytherin swaggered into the compartment with his minions, making Harry an offer of friendship with "the right sort" of people. This quickly went off the rails when he managed to insult both Ron and Hagrid and throw a veiled threat at Harry himself in the space of a few sentences.

"Both Harry and Ron stood up. Ron's face was as red as his hair.

"'Say that again,' he said.

"'Oh, you're going to fight us, are you?' Malfoy sneered.

"'Unless you get out now,' said Harry, more bravely than he felt, because Crabbe and Goyle were a lot bigger than him or Ron."

"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed. "You were really going to fight him overt that?"

Harry felt a flash of anger, but it blew out quickly. She didn't know. He leaned close to her and whispered, "Hermione, at that point, Ron and Hagrid were literally the only friends I had—really the only friends I'd ever had. I wasn't going to let that go."

Hermione looked like she was about to cry at that revelation, and she grabbed his hands tightly in lieu of hugging him across the table. Ginny did hug him, since she had heard too, or at least she gave him a one-armed hug around his back. "Harry, I never realised!" Hermione said. "How did you get by, growing up like that?"

"I dunno," he said honestly. "I just kinda did."

"Hell, how did not turn into a muggle-hating dark lord yourself?" Ginny asked nervously.

"What do you mean?"

"Harry, I remember…Tom," she barely breathed the name, "telling me how he grew up friendless in an orphanage. I think that was a big part of what screwed him up."

Harry really didn't like being compared with Voldemort like that. He'd been compared with him too many times before, occasionally by himself. "Trust me, Ginny," he said coldly. "He was screwed up by a lot more than that."

"I know, it's just…I'm sorry Harry. I never really knew what it was like for you," Ginny said softly.

That more or less killed the mood, and they kept listening quietly. Professor Vector continued reading, mainly about Hagrid taking the first years in the boats up to the castle. When she reached the end of the chapter, she kept going without comment, since she had the next one as well.