The funeral was somber, somehow darker than most others. I tried to wrap my head around it as I looked around, finding it hard to meet the eyes of others. The light had been snuffed out of this woman, and with it, the happiness promised to one of the heroes of the world. I had done this. It didn't matter to me that Slade had manipulated me. I still remembered the feelings I'd had when I'd done it. I had enjoyed it. Killing her, hurting him, it had made me happy. And now the thought of that made me sick. I was vaguely aware of the oration coming to an end. The others walked forward, dropping roses into the casket, some saying a few words. I was the last to drop a rose, and I could hear the whispers as I did it. I was prepared for the whispers, but not what came next. Green Arrow called to me, and as I met his eyes, he asked that I say a few words. I froze for a few moments, and seconds ticked by, before I nodded in silence. The crowd gathered around me as I began to speak. "I don't ever want anyone here to forget what happened here," I told them. I could see confusion begin to brew, and anger. "Because not only should you remember the tragic loss that we all must bear, but something equally important. Remember that we can fall. We can be manipulated, controlled, and tainted. I fell, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be the person I was again. Even though others tell me it wasn't me, that Slade made me a puppet, it doesn't change what I remember. The sights, sounds, and feelings I remember make me sick now, but back then, I couldn't stop myself. I needed what it brought to me, what it ultimately brought to you. I don't know how to come back from that yet, and I want to ask you all to remember for that reason. If you're not vigilant, then you too may fall, and it's something I'd never wish on any other hero." I went silent, and after a few moments I began walking away. The crowd parted for me, allowing me to leave the graveyard and enter the transport that was waiting. But I wasn't going home. I was going back into my cell. I'd asked to be confined, for my crimes, and for the danger I posed. The rage was still there inside me, and I couldn't risk hurting anyone else.
The day came and went. They gave me food and water, and when I was tired, I slept. Sometimes I would lose control, and the rage would overtake me. The transparent material of my cell was the only thing that kept me in at those times. Days passed this way, and then a week. During this time, I saw no one, talked to no one. No one but my guard. I was told that others had asked to see me, but I turned them all away. Two weeks passed, and still I remained in confinement. Then, on the third week, the guard woke me with the intercom. Nightwing and Starfire were here to see me, he told me. I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I heard Starfires rushed footsteps as she ran to the cell, placing her hands on the transparent material that held me in. "Friend Nick, why do you keep yourself in this room," she asked me. "There is no need for the self blame and hurting, it is the time for healing now. Please, come out and allow us to celebrate your return!" I sighed softly as I stood up, looking her in the eyes. "No, Starfire," I replied. "Now is the time for safety. I am dangerous. I can barely control the anger I feel, and we both know what will happen if I lose control." Nightwing knocked his fist on the cell, saying, "Yeah. We'll knock the sense back into you. Besides, I think we might have a secret weapon." A sly grin appeared on his face. "You know, that one with the cloak and hood, likes to meditate." I looked away quickly, saying, "I have no idea what you're talking about." I heard him chuckle in response. "Sure. But why not come out anyway," he said. "We can handle it. And so can you." I looked back at him sharply. His words placed an enormous amount of trust in me, and I wasn't sure what to say. Nightwing motioned to the guard, saying, "Open it up." The guard didn't hesitate, and soon I was free. "Come on," Nightwing told me. "You're coming home."
Chaos erupted as soon as I entered the main hall of where the Titans resided. As Changeling and Cyborg loudly cheered and welcomed me back, I remained silent. Raven hung back, behind the two rowdier members, and nodded a slight greeting, just as she'd always done before. I nodded in return, and she returned to her chair, reading. Cyborg and Changeling grabbed me by either arm, attempting to pull me towards the couch for movie time. "Guys," Nightwing called out, and that single word stopped them, and they looked at him, listening intently. "Take it easy. He's not up to speed yet, and we don't want to overwhelm him. I know we're glad he's back, but cool your jets and let's take it slow, so he can sort things out." The two nodded and backed up a step. I sighed in relief and followed them to the couch, where we took our customary positions. It was like old times, with Changling on the far left, followed by Cyborg, and then Nightwing sat paired with Starfire. I sat to the right of her, forming a wall between them and Raven, who sat to my right. The nostalgia came with a strong sense of comfort, and I found myself relaxing, able to watch the movie in peace. The rage in me subsided, pushed back by the feelings of safety the situation recalled. After the movie had finished, Changeling began cooking dinner, and the rest of us began to talk amongst ourselves, with Changeling occasionally calling out with some comment. Soon enough, I found myself escorted back to my old room by Nightwing. "Are you up for some training tomorrow," he asked me. "Of course," I told him. "I'll meet you in the morning." He nodded and waved goodbye as we reached my room. Sleep came easily, and I awoke calm and collected. After a quick shower, I headed over to the Titans' place for training. It was shorter than I was used to, as before they'd put me under an eight hour training regimen. Now the training only lasted half that. I was already in shape, and so there was no need for such a harsh routine. Nonetheless, I found I enjoyed what time we spent training. Near the end, Nightwing asked me to spar with him. I tried to refuse, but he cut short my explanations and assured me things would be fine. I should have heeded my instincts.
At first, things were normal. We slowly tested each other, and then the pace quickened as the match began in earnest. In the back of my mind, the rage I'd become so familiar with screamed at me, but I was too engrossed in the fight to notice. The change happened quickly, too quickly for me to stop it. One moment I was grinning as our weapons clashed, the next I was roaring with rage as I rushed him. Nightwing was caught off guard by the sudden change in my demeanor, and that one moment was enough for me to leap over and behind him. Out slashed my sword, straight towards his head. It didn't connect. I found myself struggling against a wall of black energy, only inches from my target. I vaguely heard voices shouting at me, but the blood was pounding too loudly in my ears for me to hear them. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned sharply, raising my sword, but after a moment, I let it drop. Raven was there, speaking to me, and after a moment, the rage receded, and I heard her telling me softly that everything was fine. She was wrong, though, and I told her so. "I should not have come here," I told Nightwing. "I wasn't ready." I sheathed my sword and dropped it on the ground, then walked out. I returned to the cell that I'd spent so much time in, and instructed the guard to lock me up again. Though hesitant, he agreed after I remained firm on the issue. "I wish to see no one," I told him. "See to it properly this time." I sat on the small cot and closed my eyes, and tried to meditate. I heard the door open, and the guard telling Nightwing and Starfire that they could not see me. I heard their protests, and they called out to me, but I did not answer. After a few minutes, they left, and there was silence. I fell deeper into meditation, and when I opened my eyes, it was much later, or so the guard told me. I went to sleep immediately. My pattern for the next day was simple. I woke up, and ate breakfast, exercised, then meditated until dinner arrived. I ate dinner, and did more light exercises, and then slept. I repeated that routine for the next two weeks. The guard told me that others had tried to visit me occasionally, primarily the Titans, but I never noticed them, always being deep in meditation. In the end, it was Raven who ended my isolation.
Raven was in general a very patient person, but even her patience had its limits, and I had clearly gone over them. This was clear when she appeared through the wall of my cell. I didn't notice her until she grabbed me by the shirt and yanked me to my feet, aided by her dark energy. I could tell that she was upset just by looking at her. If I had been anyone else I might have thought she was just mildly annoyed. "Hi Raven," I greeted her nonchalantly. "Why are you in here, Nick," she asked me. "I thought you were done acting like a fool."
"And what would you suggest," I asked her.
"You could stop missing your lessons. That might help," she replied dryly. Her tone then turned serious. "Running from the anger won't help. It will only make it that much worse when it catches up to you. Instead you should focus on overcoming it." I sighed and looked away. After a few moments of thought I said, "And you think you can help me do that, huh?" She lowered me to the ground as she said, "I have to. I have to make sure that you can control it. After all, I won't always be here to bring you back to your senses." I looked back at her, but her she didn't seem to be mocking me. "Let's go, Nick," she told me. "We have much to discuss, and more to get done." I motioned to the guard, and he opened my cell. I walked out, and back to where the rest of the Titans were. Raven walked beside me, as silent as ever. When we arrived, Changeling was busy in the kitchen, while Nightwing and Starfire were decorating. At the moment they were hanging up a 'Welcome Back' sign. Words weren't necessary as I gave the two of them an annoyed look. "We knew there was no way she'd fail," Nightwing explained. "And Starfire insisted we throw you a party." Raven swept past me, motioning for me to follow. "Let us know when everything is ready," she told the others. "We've got some things to work on."
As soon as I stepped into her room, Raven shut the door and locked it. "Sit somewhere," she told me. I looked around and sat in a chair, while she sat on her bed. "Before we resume your lessons, there is an issue we should get out of the way." I nodded, and she went on. "I know of the feelings you harbor for me," she informed me. "I have known for some time now, as have the others. I must tell you that these feelings must not cause turmoil within our team." I was silent, allowing her to continue. "Obviously such things are not forbidden, but I can't commit to such a relationship at this point, for several reasons, none of which I will talk about now. The important thing is that we not let this come between your commitment to either the team or your training. So tell me now that it will not. Tell me honestly and we can proceed." She paused and looked at me. I knew that look well. If I had lied to her, she would have known. "Don't worry," I told her, "they won't get in the way. While I can't say they will disappear, I won't let them control me." Such a long winded speech was a rare thing for Raven, and I knew I had to take it seriously. To do otherwise would be incredibly disrespectful. "Good," she replied. "Then I can put this matter to rest for now, and deal with it again should the occasion arise." She motioned for me to move to the floor, which was the usual spot for meditation. I did so, and as I fell into the routines that I was familiar with, I heard her guiding me, giving me suggestions and insight. While she talked she began to explain that her way of dealing with such problems were likely different than the methods I would need, due to her background. Luckily, she was quite knowledgeable in these areas, and so I began to see that progress would be made. The others
arrived to tell us that everything was ready, and we emerged from the room, and into the living room. Changeling has baked a cake, and had made dinner. The menu consisted of roast beed sandwiches, a variety of small pasta dishes, and salad. He had even used real beef, although he had made a tofu alternative for himself. "Gee, you really went all out, didn't you," I remarked. The party was amazing, with great food and great company. We watched another cheesy movie, and when it was over, I was confident again. I knew that I could handle whatever came my way. I decided it was time to try again.
In the morning, I didn't go to training as usual. Instead I headed to a place I'd never thought I would be going again. I went to Batman's quarters and rung the bell. "Come in," I heard from inside. I opened the door and went inside, standing across from where he was sitting. "Good morning, Batman," I greeted him, even though he was out of uniform. He raised an eyebrow at me. "This is business then, I take it," he asked. He motioned for me to sit in the chair behind me, and I did so gratefully. "I need your help, Batman," I started, but he held up his hand. "Business or not, call me Bruce," he told me. "I prefer you to use my name since you know it." I paused and then nodded. After a moment I started over. "Bruce, I need your help. The Titans have helped me regain my confidence, and it's time to get back in the game," I said. "I want to go on the offensive, and bring the fight where it belongs. Right to Slade." Bruce sat back, thinking. "Why didn't you go to the Titans with this," he asked me. "Don't you want them in on this plan of yours?" I shook my head. "No. That's the last thing I want right now," I replied. "The Titans are my strength, but right now they are also a weak spot for me. Too much risk." Batman nodded in agreement. "That's just what I wanted to hear," he told me. "Smart thinking. Let's go over this plan, and perhaps we can work something out." Over the next hour I laid out my plan to him, and we made adjustments when necessary. He convinced me to bring Nightwing along with us, despite my initial misgivings. Nightwing was a strong fighter, and he knew Slade well. Batman didn't think the incident in the training room would be repeated with him, so I agreed. But I wanted a fourth member, someone who wasn't in the thick of the fighting, but could hold their own if the fight was brought to them. When Nightwing arrived, we both presented the issue to him. Batman had a list of possible candidates for the mission, but both of us wanted Nightwings opinion on the matter. Nightwing mulled over it for a while, and in the end he suggested an old comrade, who he called Jinx. Jinx was an old team mate, and a member of a branch of the Titans. She was close friends with everyone on the original team. Batman supported the suggestion, and I agreed to it, though I knew nothing of her. We decided that I would do some smaller missions with her, to heighten our symmetry. We would work together for a week before the real mission. But before I met her, I had something to do. As I approached my quarters I grew nervous. Initially I hadn't wanted to do this, but Nightwing had insisted. "You never know when your number is up," he told me. "You have get everything out of the way, and this is something you have to get past, no matter how it turns out." And he was right. I switched on the communications station, and punched in Steve's number. There was no video, so the screen just displayed a volume meter. I heard him pick up, and he said, "Hello?" I took a breath before answering. "It's Nick," was my simple answer. "Nick," came his questioning response. "They told me you got better. Hard to believe though, you were fucking crazy last time I saw you. You killed some guy." I sighed and said, "More than one. I can't say I'm better, Steve. But I'm not a psycho anymore. They gave me an antidote, and now I'm trying my best to be like the person I was before. It's not easy." Steve replied, "I don't understand. I don't know what happened to you. When you get better, tell me about it. But right now, it's too soon for us to meet. I have to be sure you're better." I understood where he was coming from. "Alright," I said. "It was good to talk to you again. Until next time." I hung up, and took another deep breath. It was time to go, and meet my new partner.
Jinx was a slender, pretty young woman with pink hair that was tied into buns. Her skin was almost as pale as Ravens was. She told me that her power was to cause bad luck, which sounded useful. We met up at the Titans residence, and set out immediately. We began scouring Gotham for trouble on the rooftops. Trouble was easy to find in Gotham, with robberies and muggings being common. Jinx had had a lot of training, so though our teamwork wasn't perfect, it wasn't exactly horrible either. We worked on it over the next week, and we hung out often when not patroling. After the first few days we were good friends, which made the other Titans happy, particularly Starfire and Raven. We began training together to improve our teamwork, and by the end of the week, it was better by a large margin. The four of us assembled in a predetermined place in Gotham, and we began moving across the city to where I was sure Slade was. We stayed relatively close, within a few rooftops or streets from one another. Without incident, we made it to the supposed lair of Slades. The entrance was a simple metal door, not even locked. I opened it, but stopped when I felt Batmans hand on my shoulder. "This is too easy," he told me. "Why would it be this easy to get in to his base of operations?" I shrugged, and said, "Don't know. But if he's left it open then he's underestimating us. That's his mistake." I strode through the door without any hesitation. Inside we found a hallway, with several doors down it. Only one was unlocked. I went through it, and through that door was a trail of doors and rooms, each with only one door unlocked. The others grew uneasy as I led them through the open doors, and within a few minutes we exited into a large area that looked to be the storage of some warehouse. Waiting for us was Slade, and he wasn't alone. With him he had the two villains I'd seen when I'd been captured. I'd learned since then that they were called Mr. Freeze and Killer Croc. Immediately I knew that this was going to get complicated, and fast. "Game plan," I snapped out at Batman, my way of asking how to handle the two that were usually his adversaries. "I'll take care of Croc," he responded. "Nightwing, take Freeze. You and Jinx take Slade, but get out if it gets too dangerous." I nodded and we split up as we rushed the three of them. Out came my sword, slashing at Slade, who was ready with his own swords. Normally, Slade would have been too much for me to handle, but with Jinx, Slade was forced on the defensive. As he tripped, stumbled, and missed blocks, he began to back up, only to step into holes in the floor that hadn't been there moments before. I noticed Nightwing approaching out of the corner of my eye, and I glanced over towards Batman, who was being forced back by the superpowered brute. "Help Batman," I called out to Nightwing, who changed course immediately. I didn't spare another glance for the downed Mr. Freeze, instead returning my attention to Slade. As I renewed my attack, I said, "Too bad you didn't bring more help, Slade. You're going down." Behind him, Jinx focused her powers on the ground beneath him, and his shoe happened to slip into a hole. As he struggled to free himself, I readied my sword for a strike. Even trapped as he was, I heard him chuckle.
"Oh, come now, Nick," he said. "Don't you see what's happening?" I narrowed my eyes at him as I said, "Shut up. There's nothing you can say that I want to hear."
"Don't you find it unusual that you defeated these two so easily today, and yet the last time you encountered them, it ended with defeat for you," he taunted.
"This time I'm not a push over," I responded, yet I held my attack. "Are you saying you know something I don't," I asked him. He chuckled again, and said, "I know plenty that you do not. For example, last time you engaged Killer Croc over there, it was three on one, yet they barely defeated him, and still not in time to save you. And it took two Titans to subdue Mr. Freeze previously." As he spoke, Mr. Freeze rose to a knee, and looked over, an amused look on his face. He had been faking the entire time, it seemed. "You would think your precious heroes would have known," he continued, as I felt a burning begin in the back of my mind. "Or perhaps they have all along," he mused. "Last time was certainly a resounding defeat. But perhaps one could chalk it up to... a spot of bad luck?" His head flicked towards Jinx as he spoke, and I looked over at her, then back to Slade. "You do know she used to be quite the little villain, don't you," he asked me. Horror began to show on my face, and he continued. "No? Of course not. Why would she tell you that. But she does do such good work." Jinx wasn't stupid. She could see what Slade was doing, and she called out to me. "Nick, don't listen to him. I'm not like that anymore. I would never-" Her sentence was cut short, as I lunged. It was quick, so fast that I can never remember actually doing it. I do remember that everything turned red, and trying to think, but there was a loud buzzing in my ears. Next I remember, I was pulling my sword from Jinxs chest. I caught her as she fell, whispering, "Oh, no." She smiled up at me weakly, trying to comfort me. I'll never forget that smile. "It's ok," she quietly assured me. "It's not your fault." She coughed, and I could see blood in her mouth. "Don't you dare let Slade get away with this, Nick," she demanded. I nodded. There were tears running down my face. "I promise. I'll make him pay. He'll pay so dearly for this, Jinx," I told her. She died in my arms. The next few minutes are a blur, and all I remember are that my eyes felt like they were on fire. They tell me that I was crying hysterically, and that I refused to let go of her. When Batman tried to take her body from me, I attacked him. The next thing I remember is being pinned on the ground by him, with his fist bashing my face in. I was so angry I could barely think.
I kicked him off of me, and ran at him, picking my sword up from the ground as I did. I wasn't sure when I'd dropped it. I never reached Batman. A dark energy enveloped my body, and I slammed against a wall, all the way across the warehouse. The breath was knocked from my lungs, and I struggled to take another one. Raven appeared, flowing through the wall, and she looked around calmly as she took in the scene. Nightwing held a rib as he knelt on the ground, and while Slade was gone, the other two villains were out cold. Batman rose from the ground and nodded slightly to Raven, silently acknowledging her and thanking her. Then, as I struggled against the dark bonds that held me fast, her eyes found Jinxs body. Her eyes widened, and then her head snapped back around, and she stared at me. I saw a tear escape her eye, and roll down her cheek. "Nick, what happened? Tell me you didn't do this," she implored. Her voice was grief filled and breaking, and it pissed me off. "I did it. I killed her," I replied, my voice full of venom. "What happened," she asked again. "Why did you leave on a mission without telling me? Who were you fighting?" I remained silent, but I didn't need to talk. Batman answered for me. "We were fighting Slade," he informed her. "Slade," she exclaimed, "Nick, you aren't ready for Slade yet!"
"We had him," I yelled at her. "I had him! He was right there, helpless!"
"You knew this could happen! You know how he can use your anger against you," she told me.
"Don't talk to me about anger, Raven," I hissed at her. "You've got no ground to dig your heels into. You know just as much about rage as I do, don't you? Heard you got it from your father." Another tear, and Raven shook her head. "You know I'm past that, Nick," she said. "This isn't about me. You knew you weren't ready, and look what happened."
"I don't know what happened," I told her honestly. "One minute Slade was talking, and the next I was pulling my sword out of Jinx." A feral grin worked its way across my face. "It's such a shame. I really want to know what it felt like going in." Ravens eyes widened again, and I could almost see her snap, as with a scream of pure fury she launched me across the warehouse again, slamming me into surface after surface in just moments. "Raven, stop, control yourself," Batman urged her. "He's not himself, you know that. Something Slade said sank its claws in deep this time." Raven stared at him, her chest heaving as she took deep breaths. Slowly she lowered me to the ground. She looked at me, and I something in her eyes quieted me, and I found myself calming, and the severity of the situation sank in as my rage subsided.
"When will you learn, Nick," she asked me softly. "Your actions have consequences, and not just for you." She walked away, disappearing through the wall as if she'd never been there in the first place.
I sat there for a few minutes in silence, until Nightwing pulled me to my feet. There was grief in his eyes, as there had been with Raven, but also sympathy and some form of understanding. "You were right all along," he told me. "You weren't ready yet. We're as much to blame for this as you are. If we hadn't pushed you, you wouldn't have come here trying to take on Slade. And Jinx..." I held up my hand, stopping him. I didn't want to hear about Jinx. Not yet. "I know," I told him. "I know I wasn't ready. I just wish I'd known an hour ago." Batman tapped Nightwing on the shoulder, and he nodded, then turned back to me. "We need to go," he told me. "You go with Batman, I'll get Jinx." I shook my head immediately. "No. Let me. I'll bring her back home." I walked over to Jinxs body, so still on the concrete floor. Blood had pooled around it, and I absently thought that she'd be upset because now her outfit was ruined. My mind was numb as I picked her up, and carried her outside. Our shuttle arrived, and Nightwing and I boarded it. Batman stayed behind as another team arrived to help secure the villains. It didn't take long to get back to the JLA headquarters. As I carried her body through the halls on my way to the medical wing, I heard others whispering. Some called me a monster, and when Nightwing made a move to defend me, I stopped him. "Let them talk," I told him. "They're right. I am a monster. I'm carrying the proof in my arms." After bringing the body to the medical team, I wasted no time leaving. I didn't want to see the Titans when they inevitably showed up. I locked myself in my room. Later, Nightwing called me, asking me to attend her funeral. It was the second funeral in as many months I'd attended. The second in as many months that I'd caused. I told him I would, and he gave me a date and a time. The funeral was three days from then, and in that time I didn't leave my room. I refused to risk anyones safety by being in public. The pain of hunger somehow seemed fitting to me at the time, and after the second day, my stomach seemed to agree, ceasing its growls and protests for lack of food. I'd called Manhunter during that time, and asked him for a favor. He granted my request, and I received a package from him the day of the funeral. I brought it with me as I stopped by the florist on my way to the funeral, and bought a rose.
The other heroes had all gathered by the time I arrived. Most kept their distance. Some approached and offered their sympathy. I ignored them all. They understood my aloofness, and soon they left me alone. I hadn't seen the Titans yet, and I slipped into a chair, hoping they wouldn't notice me. Hoping, and knowing that hope was in vain. I soon found myself surrounded by the group, as they sat around me. Most of them. Raven was nowhere to be seen, and I couldn't say I blamed her. I heard Starfire and Changeling quietly trying to console me, and I ignored them as well. After a few minutes they quieted, and Starfire laid a hand on my shoulder, assuring me that they would speak to me later. The funeral went by slowly, with each hero who had known Jinx giving quiet speeches about her, and then laying a rose into the casket. I waited for everyone to lay their roses before I stood up. When my turn came I gave no speech, and said no words. I laid my rose down, and then opened the package I was carrying. Out from it came a newly made uniform, a copy of the one Jinx had worn. I quietly laid that on top of the roses, inciting angry murmurs in the crowd. "What's the purpose of that," one of them asked. I turned and regarded them all for a moment before giving my answer. "I ruined her last uniform," I told them quietly. "The least I could do was replace it." I walked away, and left the funeral. I wasn't waiting to be asked to speak at this one. There was nothing I could say, and I felt that anything I did say would only tarnish her memory, the only thing that remained of her. And so I left, and returned to my quarters. But I had not forgotten that I had a promise to fulfill. Sooner or later, I would be ready. Sooner or later, Slade would answer for everything.