Hello Everybody.

Let me start by apologizing. Again and again. I haven't uploaded in nearly six months now and honestly I have no exscuse. Things have just been so busy and honestly? I struggled with how to write this chapter. There are so many different ways I tried, and in the end, I decided to write it from Sam's point of view.

This is definitely a little different from how I normally write. It's an experiment, per say. I wrote the epilogue like this to show how much Sam's character has changed because of this incident. And how despite the show she puts on, she is actually very weak and insecure on the inside. Or at least, that's how I think of it anyway.

So here is the final chapter of iTried To Kill Myself. I am literally so happy with the final result, and I am proud of this story. I've never finished a chaptered fan fiction before.

But I also wanted to thank all of you. Every single one of you, who subscribed, and reviewed, or even just read. It means so much, and I will never be able to thank you enough. This was just an idea, but now it's my most popular fan fiction.

So for the final time on iTried To Kill Myself, please remember to review with constructive criticism :)

I love you all, and please enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I don't, and will never own, iCarly. The only thing I can put my name on is this story.

(P.S Listen to Summer by the Afters or Eyes Open by Taylor Swift when reading.)

The familiar shuddering of the elevator jolts me back to reality, as I shuffle the strap of my bag around on my shoulder. Glancing upwards, I will it to go faster. Freddie stands beside me, a finger wrapped around my wrist. It's a strange hold, but somehow comforting. I look across at him and he gives me a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry Sam. Nothings changed since you left."

I give him a sharp elbow in the ribs and he groans. I grin, but on the inside I'm shaking my head. Everything has changed and we both know it.

He rubs the point of impact carefully, before giving me a fleeting smile, relief flooding his features as he realizes my aggressive nature has returned.

I shiver in disagreement.

The doors slowly slide upwards as we arrive on the floor of the Shay apartment. I take a shaky breath as Freddie entwines my fingers with his own and gives them a reassuring squeeze. With a deep breath, we step into the apartment.

Immediately, I am thrown into the arms of Carly. Her eyes run up and down my body, searching for scars, wounds, blood. She appears almost ghost like, gaunt and white with worry. But that's her I suppose, always worrying about others and never about herself.

Oh Carly…beautiful Carly, who I'd never meant to hurt. If anything, I was trying to take back all the pain I'd caused her. And isn't it funny, that as I died, I saw her laughing in my eyelids. The way she'd throw her head back, hair spilling across her forehead, and splashing hope across those eyes. Crows feet appearing, and lips curling upwards, her laughter always made you feel better. Maybe that's why Carly appeared when I began to black out. Because, when I was so incredibly scared, so frightened of death and all that it would bring, she brought comfort. She made me feel safe, despite everything. The blood, the knives, the darkness.

As I hug her, I try to let her know all of that. But somehow, I don't think she realizes how much she has done for me. How much she has changed me for the better. Perhaps she never will.

When we break apart, I settle for a smile. As a thank you.

Then Spencer is scooping me up in his arms and I give him an almighty shove, but silently, I'm thanking him. Because Spencer is an anchor, while Carly is a comfort. Despite Spencer's craziness, he is somehow always just there. Standing in the shay apartment, or sitting on the couch, giggling at something ridiculous. Maybe making a sculpture. Always trying to make others feel better. Always laughing. Always happy.

My punch to his bicep as he lets me go makes him wince, but inside I'm thanking him. Inside, I'm crying, because he's saved me. In more ways than one.

Melanie is there, sobbing her heart out. I roll my eyes at her tears as we hug, but for the briefest of moments, I inhale her smell. The smell of roses, cinnamon, and familiarity. Of home. Of mom.

Her tears sting.

Because, despite Melanie's girly stupidity, she's home. She's my family. She was the one who held me when mom was drunk, who cried with me when mom didn't come home still three in the morning, who looked after me when I was sick. I hate her for loving me. But secretly, I love her back.

As we break apart, I roll my eyes again at her sobbing. Her eyebrows link together in hurt, but secretly, oh so secretly, I'm telling her I love her. And that I will never stop loving her. Because she's home.

I suppose home is where the heart is, right?

And then Gibby is trying to hug me, and I'm hitting him over the head and laughing as he falls to the ground. But as he struggles to get up, I reach down and lace my fingers through his. Because he's Gibby. And he's the biggest idiot you'll ever meet. But he makes me laugh.

He makes me forget the pain. He makes it all go away, even for a little while. But he's more than a distraction. He's a safe harbor. When you're with him, you know nothing can go wrong. He stands there, being a total pain in the arse, but I love him for it. For being him.

Because he's the one who gives me foot rubs, and makes me laugh. He's also the one who keeps everyone together, when everything is falling apart.

So as he rubs his head, and I give him a glare, but I'm secretly telling him I love him too, and that he kept us together. Secretly, I'm sobbing my apologies, my thanks.

And then everyone is happy. We're together again. And I'm not dead. I'm not the blood soaked Sam in the bathtub anymore to them. I'm Sam. Plain old Sam, who beats Gibby, and protects Carly, and makes fun of Melanie, and abuses Spencer. I'm the Sam who likes meat, and laughs at the stupid stuff, and tries her hardest to be anything other than the acceptable.

But to me?

I'm weak. I'm slowly dying inside. I'm sitting in the bathtub all over again, slicing through my wrists, and trying to make the pain go away. I'm pathetic. I'm horrible.

Yeah, I'm still Sam. But I'm not me.

And isn't that what's important?

Soon, it's just Freddie and me. Sitting on the landing, staring out at the Smokey city of Seattle. Haze hangs in the air, and it feels like it did all those years ago, when we sat out here and kissed. We were kids. Confused. Our biggest problems were what to put on iCarly next week.

Funny how our problems now are how Sam is on suicide watch. Things change so rapidly in such a short space of time.

Freddie looks across at me, and reaches over to touch my hand. I hold onto it like a lifeline. Like if he lets go, I'll fall and fall.

He plays with the sleeve of my shirt, before slowly rolling it up my arm, to show the scars on my wrist. Fresh, red, bloody. They hurt. God, they're disgusting. They show how pathetic I am.

"Don't," I mutter, pulling the sleeve back down. But Freddie shakes his head, reversing the action and running his thumb over the scars.

"These scars, they're a reminder of a moment of weakness. But the fact that you're still here, shows how strong you are."

I smirk, but it cracks into a smile. An actual god forsaken real smile. No act. No show. No secret meaning. Just a smile.

A simple smile.

Freddie reaches across, and brushes his lips against mine. And I softly push back. Because, this is my way to telling Freddie how much he means to me.

And how much I love him.

How he is the one who stands by me. Who holds me. Who puts up with me. Who loves me.

This is my way of showing how much I love him.

And for some reason, as the sounds of traffic hum in the distance and the smoke floats lazily around us, I can't help but smile against his lips.

Because, for the first time in so long, I feel happy.

And maybe, against all the odds, I'll be Sam again one day.

We'll just have to wait and see.

I'd just like to thank a couple of people for sticking with this story. ChasingXStarlight, chrissicat12, cherrprn4 & mileycfan4ever constantly provided me with support and feedback. And to everyone else who commented, who gave constructive criticism and basically got me here today. Thank you all so much, you're amazing and I love you.

I hope the epilogue answered all of your questions, but I do have a vague idea of where Sam went after this, so if anybody wants to know, just ask.

I hope to upload more fan fiction again soon.

-ArtsyAmyStars