Chapter 5

December 29, 2013

"Maggie Rhee, what name do you give your child?" Father Gabriel questioned.

"Hershel Glenn Rhee," Maggie answered softly as she gazed down at Hershel.

Dwight could probably count the number of times that he had been to a church service with just one hand as he glanced at everyone in the room. They all looked on the scene of Maggie's baby being baptized before Noelle's ceremony began. It was a surprise to Dwight that Carson and Ashlyn asked him to be a godparent to their daughter alongside Sherry. Not even a week ago, he didn't anticipate having any kind of relationship with the kid. However, he ended up being the second person to first ever hold her.

He was going to have the title of godfather. All the traditions of last names and baptisms were important to their communities. They were all small things but they still mattered. It made them feel human again.

"In asking for baptism, it will be your responsibility to train Hershel in the practice of our Faith, by keeping God's commandments as Christ taught us. Sasha, are you ready to help Maggie in her duty as a Christian parent?" Father Gabriel asked her.

"I am," Sasha replied and looked toward Maggie then at the bundle in her arms.

Father Gabriel continued to speak as Dwight took careful notes when it was his turn to go up there for his own godchild. He didn't need to say much but knowing himself, he would end up saying the wrong thing anyway from psyching himself out. Sherry must have noticed his nerves arising and squeezed his hand in support. The longer that Hershel's ceremony went on, the more apprehensive he got for when it was Noelle's turn. There were too many things to remember.

Time passed as they waited silently for Hershel's rite of baptism to be finished. Ashlyn had to feed Noelle halfway through while Dwight almost fell asleep standing up but forced himself to stay present just in case they called upon him to do something.

Sherry elbowed him once Maggie, Sasha, and Hershel stepped away from Father Gabriel as he then stared at Ashlyn and Carson expectantly. Dwight watched as the new parents then walked forward. Father Gabriel looked to Ashlyn and Carson then cleared his throat. "We welcome this child as a gift from God, the source of life, who now wishes to bestow His own life on this little one. Ashlyn and Hector Carson, what name do you give your child?" He questioned Ashlyn.

"Noelle Amanda Carson," Ashlyn responded while Carson held the baby.

"What do you ask of God's Church for Noelle?" Father Gabriel asked kindly.

"Baptism," Ashlyn answered as she previously studied exactly what to say before the service.

Father Gabriel smiled at both Ashlyn and Carson and nodded his approval. "Will Noelle's godparents step forward?" Father Gabriel instructed.

Dwight exhaled deeply as he held Sherry's hand. They both walked towards Father Gabriel where his makeshift podium was in the Hilltop mansion.

"In asking for baptism, it will be your responsibility to train Noelle in the practice of our faith, by keeping God's commandments as Christ taught us," Father Gabriel told as he looked to both Sherry and Dwight respectively. "Godparents, are you ready to help the parents in their duty as Christian parents?"

"Yes," Dwight said as Sherry shook her head and gave him a side look to relay to him that he said the wrong words. "Um, we are." Dwight corrected.

"We are," Sherry echoed.

Father Gabriel grinned once more and then invited Ashlyn and Carson to stand beside them. "Noelle, the Christian community welcomes you with great joy. In the name of all of us here present and all of God's people, I claim you for Christ by the sign of the cross and invite your parents and godparents to do the same." Gabriel signed the cross on Noelle's forehead followed by both Ashlyn and Carson. Ashlyn then glanced towards Sherry who did it as well then looked to Dwight. Dwight took a deep breath and traced the sign of the cross on Noelle's small forehead. She squinted slightly at the touch but then went back to her usual slumber.

…

"Dear parents and godparents," Father Gabriel continued. In all honesty, Dwight felt somewhat entranced by all the practices it took to be legitimized in the sight of God and thought the order and time that Father Gabriel took for the rite of baptism was impressive. He didn't need to do everything by the book but chose to do so anyways. Dwight thought it refreshing as their life seemed to be tumultuous and without order anyways. Father Gabriel even continued to wear the collared shirt. "You have come here to present this child for baptism. By water and the Holy Spirit she is to receive the gift of new life from God, who is love.

"On your part, you must make it your constant care to bring her up in the practice of the faith. See that the divine life which God gives her is kept safe from the poison of sin, to grow always stronger in her heart.

"If your faith makes you ready to accept this responsibility, renew now the vows of your own baptism. Reject sin; profess your faith in Christ Jesus. This is the faith of the Church. This is the faith in which this child is about to be baptized," Father Gabriel invited and then glanced up to the four of them. Dwight felt nervous as he couldn't remember if he was even baptized in any church or not. If he had been, it would have been when he was Noelle's age. Even then, he couldn't remember any vows that he made previously. How could he remember? He started wondering if he was ill-equipped for the godfather gig but Father Gabriel continued.

"Do you reject Satan?" He asked them.

All of them answered that they did. Not like you joined a cult, Orlich. First question and you're good, he thought.

"And all his works?"

They all answered in the same fashion as Dwight glanced towards Carson answering the same way knowing what his own friend had done in the past under the ironic title of a Savior. Maybe he spoke with Father Gabriel before. I'm sure Father Gabriel knows the shit that we have all done. I'm not the only one that has done bad things.

"Do you reject sin, so as to live in the freedom of God's children?"

Define sin, Dwight thought but ended up saying he did so that he wouldn't make a scene out of respect for Carson and Ashlyn.

"Do you reject the glamor of evil, and refuse to be mastered by sin?"

They answered optimally even though Dwight was confused by the question and wondered where he fell in regards to living the teachings fully. He didn't necessarily believe in an afterlife but if there was one, he wondered if God frowned upon promises that couldn't possibly be kept.

"Do you reject Satan, father of sin and prince of darkness?"

They answered again as Father Gabriel then asked questions if they believed in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Those inquiries made Dwight even more uncomfortable as he couldn't answer definitively whether he knew those deities were even real. However, he kept his mouth shut and just responded to the question knowing that asking specific questions wasn't the time or place.

The rite continued with water being poured on Noelle's head. She at first shrieked from the surprising sensation of lukewarm water and squirmed in Carson's hands but Father Gabriel was finished before she had a flow blown meltdown. Carson then brought her into a warm fatherly embrace to comfort her and just like that was quiet again.

…

"Hector James Carson and Ashlyn Martha Anderson, have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?" Father Gabriel asked them in the final ceremony of the day. Dwight and Sherry looked on while Sherry held baby Noelle as the newborn continued to sleep peacefully in her arms.

They both answered as Dwight quickly glanced towards Sherry. She watched the marriage take place with wide eyes that were a mixture of gratitude and remorse. It made Dwight do a double take as he noticed that tears started to well up in her eyes. He wondered what was going on in her mind and wanted to make the sadness go away. More importantly, he wanted to know if he was the source of her crying and if he could do anything to be better for her.

It hit him then that perhaps his realization before was true. The traditions of last names, holidays, baptisms, and being a godparent seemed alien to him because he barely felt human anymore. He wanted to be redeemable but the things that Father Gabriel said seemed impossible. In the sight of God, he was a lost cause.

…

Sherry watched Carson and Ashlyn say their promises to each other as the couple took each other's right hand. Carson cleared his throat and looked to Ashlyn lovingly then began what he was supposed to say. "I, Hector James Carson, take you Ashlyn Martha Anderson to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

A tear fell down her cheek at his words. The one "marriage" that Sherry was a part of didn't guarantee any of those in the proposal. Granted, Negan proved to take care of her in his own way which made it all the more confusing. The reality was difficult to pry away from the fantasy that she placed in her head to make herself feel better about the terrible situation that she once was in. Watching Carson and Ashlyn exchange vows was almost eye opening. The word "marriage" to Negan was only a glorified title as he used it to manipulate her and the other women that he chose to be a part of his harem. Beyond the word itself, no promises were made other than her group being kept alive according to their agreement. It was nothing more than that. Sherry, it was nothing more than that, she thought to herself to try and etch that into her mind.

Every day she pondered whether or not she was a broken individual. She watched Ashlyn and Carson vow to stay with each other through thick and thin and hoped that she could provide that to the person standing right next to her. With tears flowing down her face, she quickly wiped them away then looked up to Dwight who was already staring at her with concern. She loved him as he proved to her time and time again that he would always be there when she needed him to be. Most of the time, she didn't ask for him to pick up the mess that was her life but he did it anyways. Even if he was having trouble in his own life, he made sure to provide for her.

She wanted to make the same promises to Dwight one day however she wondered if she was capable of doing so. Ashlyn looked to Carson with such love and adoration. It was as if Negan had never touched her. By all intent and purposes, the baby that Sherry held in her arms was one hundred percent Carson's based on the love that he gave her.

Something was blocking Sherry from moving on. The past made her untrusting of her own self. Presently, she felt as damaged as she did before she first arrived to Alexandria. It was easier said than done to heal a broken spirit. As she locked eyes with Dwight, she could see that he felt the same way. They were both tired and didn't even know where to begin on their journey towards peace. Sherry hoped that they weren't both ruined for time and all eternity. If Ashlyn could find happiness, so could she. She was determined to find it.

"You have declared your consent before the Church," Father Gabriel spoke up. Dwight and Sherry didn't even glance towards the ceremony and continued to be lost in their own world while at the same time letting Father Gabriel's words soak in. "May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, men must not divide."

…

Dinner was prepared for everyone in the mansion as Dwight walked into the large office to see Father Gabriel still conversing with several people in delighted tones. Dwight decided to turn around and not bother them until Father Gabriel gestured for him to come closer. "Dwight," the priest called and excused himself from the people speaking to him. "I wanted to speak with you after the wedding ceremony but you left in a hurry."

"Oh," Dwight said almost in a question as the other people in the room decided to join the others in congratulating either Ashlyn or Maggie upon the ceremonies that had just transpired. "I didn't mean to take you away from the crowd."

"No, don't worry about that," Father Gabriel responded with a hand up to assure him that he didn't have any ill-will. The man paused and looked to Dwight while pondering what to say next. "Dwight, I don't ever want to come across as someone that is more privileged than others because of my profession."

Dwight raised an eyebrow wondering where the conversation was headed but let Father Gabriel continue. "What I mean to say is that I try to stay in tune with what the Lord wants from me. I confess that I have failed him in the past but I feel as if he has forgiven some past doings so I can better serve His flock."

Not sure what to say, Dwight just started to smile to lighten the mood. "What? Am I in trouble with the man upstairs?"

Father Gabriel didn't get the humor and started speaking again. "Not necessarily," he answered. "I have taken it upon myself to ask the Lord what he wants from me personally. Specifically, I ask him who needs help among His people." He stopped while leaving the rest of his thought for Dwight to connect.

"So…" Dwight began skeptically, "God wants you to help me?"

"I had a strong impression that he wanted me to see how you are doing, yes," Father Gabriel said and gestured towards the couch. "Would you like to sit down?"

Dwight felt tempted to say no but chose to keep his mouth shut. His points for being an outstanding character were low and he felt that turning down free help from a holy man was a step in the wrong direction. Reluctantly, he sat down while Father Gabriel took a seat on the other edge of the couch.

"Is this supposed to be a confession?" Dwight questioned.

"That depends," Father Gabriel replied. "Do you feel the need to confess, Dwight?"

Dwight thought about the vows that he made as godfather to Noelle. Even though they didn't particularly matter to him, they mattered to the people around him. And that counted for something in his book. "I think so? From what you said during the baptism, I just wondered if I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. With the new world that we live in… I just don't know if I am really capable of being a decent person at all. I suppose that doesn't make sense though."

"Dwight, we have all done bad things," Father Gabriel said quietly while folding his arms. "You aren't the only one that has killed others in order to survive. Those first couple of years were difficult on everyone and not just you. Is there anything that is bothering you specifically that you want to address?"

"Is this how a confession begins?" Dwight asked wondering if he was already knee deep in another sacred rite already.

Father Gabriel sat up in his seat and clasped his hands together as he closed his eyes. Dwight watched as the man said a silent prayer to himself then opened his mouth to speak. "Almighty God, who does freely pardon all who repent and turn to Him, now fulfill in every contrite heart the promise of redeeming grace; forgiving all our sins, and cleansing us from the evil conscience; through the perfect sacrifice of Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen." Father Gabriel then opened his eyes and nodded to Dwight that the confession had officially begun.

"Bless me father, for I have sinned." Dwight stammered unsure if those were the right words to say. He was only going off of what he heard in the movies or television.

"When was your last confession?" Father Gabriel asked.

Dwight pursed his lips together and huffed quietly through his nose. "Um, this would be my first confession. Ever."

"Did you not go to church before the world changed?" Father Gabriel inquired.

"I went for Easter and Christmas every year with my mom. When she died, I stopped going altogether," Dwight conveyed while thinking of the memory of wearing matching bowties with his father and brother for the various special occasions. One year, they even did light-up bowties for Christmas much to the embarrassment of their mom.

"Have you found God during these last days?" Father Gabriel pressed.

Dwight paused while wondering how to answer in a favorable way. Going to confession and denying a higher power seemed like an oxymoron to him.

"That didn't sound too convincing," Father Gabriel said with mild amusement knowing somewhat where Dwight stood.

Dwight stirred in his chair already feeling uncomfortable. But he still needed to get several things off his chest regardless. "I believe that if there is a higher power then I am definitely fu…" Dwight stopped himself to fix his wording before he added another sin to his first confession. He never did it before, but he knew swearing was probably frowned upon. "I am...not in the best position for any kind of salvation."

"If… So you do or don't believe?" Father Gabriel inquired.

"Let's just say that I'm…agnostic…for the time being," Dwight settled evenly.

"Fair enough," Gabriel answered. "What is your sin, Dwight?"

"It's plural sins; not just one," Dwight corrected. "Should we just go down the list?"

"Just go where you feel you need to start. What is troubling you the most?"

"Should we start when I first met you?" Dwight asked and looked to Father Gabriel knowingly. When he first met him, he put a gun to the side of his head and threatened to kill him. Dwight didn't have any intention of killing a priest however he knew threats could be just as offensive to God as the real deal. "I killed people... I did all of these things to protect others that I cared about... but that doesn't erase the guilt I still feel. While it was going on, I learned to shut that part of my brain away so my conscience didn't eat me alive. I slept fine, went about my day like it was any other day... Now that it is all over, I don't really know how to process it all. I have killed upwards of three hundred people. Three hundred... To keep one person alive."

"The Lord loves all of His children," Father Gabriel responded quietly and looked down to his lap. "He condemns bloodshed as He did when Cain killed his own brother. However, I believe the Lord is able to look past our previous wrongdoings as long as we make room for a better and true repentant future. Tell me something, Dwight. What are you personally doing now that pleases the Lord?"

Dwight grimaced and glanced towards Father Gabriel with a raised eyebrow. "Everything said here is kept between the two of us, right?"

"Confessions are confidential, yes," Father Gabriel answered, "Just go from the worst sin to the least."

Taking a deep breath, Dwight stared at the opposite wall wondering why he was having such a difficult time saying the words that needed to be said. "I...have killed men even after Rick told the communities that it's forbidden. All men were unarmed and it wasn't a battle. They don't fall under Rick's exceptions to the rule. I executed them. I just...didn't want to set these same men loose when they were just going to try and kill us later. I'm having a difficult time moving on when that kind of stuff happens. I don't feel like I have changed from the life I used to have while I was a Savior. Not all the people I killed then were bad people. Some were good. How can I live with myself when I know people are dead because of me?"

"Like I said before," Father Gabriel said slowly. "We have all done something. I want you to think of something for a second. Do you ever think about the extraordinary miracle that we are still alive? Do you ever wonder why the Lord chose us to live? If our civilization has entered a new genesis, why has the Lord chosen us to reap the new world? Does he see that we have something to offer for the betterment of it? Does he see that you, Dwight, are still here to fix things that you personally broke?"

"I don't think I understand," Dwight replied. "Are you saying that even though I killed people that I deserve to be alive more than the people that are six feet under?"

"Certainly not," Father Gabriel clarified. "I'm saying that whether the circumstances be Divine or just simple Darwinism, we are still here to either continue our godless crusades or to make the world better. If every person that felt they did something wrong killed themselves in a guilty depression, the world would become extinct of the human population. So, Dwight of the two options, which one do you want to be a part of? Do you want to continue to sin because it's easier or do you want to strive to correct your past misgivings and serve Christ's children?

"The Lord forgives you for what you have done so long as you strive to stand as a witness to Him at all times, in all things, and all places," Father Gabriel finished and looked to Dwight. "With time, you will learn to forgive yourself as the Lord has forgiven you. Serve Him. Serve His people. Eventually, you will find the peace that you have been searching for. Does that make sense to you?"

Dwight took another deep breath and understood the concept even if he didn't necessarily believe there was a Lord to serve. However, he got what Father Gabriel was trying to convey. Even not being the most religious man, he believed a higher power could be interpreted as a metaphor for the ultimate scorekeeper. Almost like karma. Dwight could at least cling to the concept of serving others around him because he knew it counted for something on his moral character.

"Go in peace to love and serve the Lord," Father Gabriel stated and patted Dwight on the back.

…

Sherry continued to hold Noelle as she stood in a circle surrounded by friends. They all fawned over Ashlyn's dress that had been found at a local bridal store. It was a simple, knee-length, lace dress with three quarter length sleeves. Megan went on a supply run with Sasha and Carson to pick it out for her when she was not in a position to leave her newborn daughter for a long period of time.

"It was one of the first dresses that I saw," Megan bragged happily. "But I knew it had Ashlyn written all over it."

"It's weird to have something so formal," Ashlyn admitted but beamed when she said it. She then turned to glance at Carson who was talking to Jesus and Aaron. They smiled towards each other as Sherry could see the deep affection they shared. Their love for each other was stronger than physical attraction. Even Ashlyn confided to Sherry that they hadn't even had sex before because she didn't want her first time to be when she was heavily pregnant with Noelle. Sherry was grateful for Ashlyn to have found someone as wonderful as Carson.

"So, who's next to get married out of all of us?" Amber asked with a grin.

"Maybe you and Mark," Christy teased lightly while Sherry noticed Megan's complexion immediately paled at the statement.

In response, Amber laughed awkwardly. "Yeah, maybe," she said but Sherry could sense something was amiss by the way Megan and Amber responded.

Noelle started to cry as Ashlyn and Carson quickly glanced towards Sherry in mild alarm. Sherry waved them off and started walking up the stairs. "Don't worry about it. You just fed her. I'll see if her diaper needs to be changed or if she needs to nap in a quiet place."

"Are you sure?" Ashlyn asked while Carson placed a hand on his wife's shoulder.

"Positive," Sherry answered. "This is your day. Have an opportunity to talk to your people while being baby free."

Ashlyn and Carson had no further objection at Sherry's suggestion and continued to converse with their friends. Sherry walked up to Ashlyn's room and shut the door behind her while Noelle increased her whimpers. First Sherry, checked the little one's diaper to see it was still clean and then sat down on the cushioned rocking chair with Noelle resting over her chest. She began rocking and grabbed a pacifier for her goddaughter to calm her down from all the noise downstairs. Soon enough, her cries subsided. Sherry found it odd that the more Noelle relaxed, the more the lump in Sherry's throat increased. She was sad. She didn't understand why because of the great day that they were having. But she couldn't shake the bitter grief that she felt in that moment.

Silent tears fell down as she leaned her head against the rocking chair and openly sobbed. Noelle was resting once more as they both stayed quiet within the small room. There was no other emotion than the sorrow that pierced her heart. She thought of Negan and the confusion that was still present. The fantasy that he was a good person lingered with her at times when she even missed him or simply missed the moments that he did show kindness towards her. At times, his goodness had Sherry overlook the memories of his destructive behavior. Her heart constricted even more as she thought of him when she was reminded of the vicious actions he partook of. He took so much of her in the process and hurt her in what she felt was simply beyond repair.

With the feelings that still arose from her, she only felt like a despicable person. In no way could she commit to Dwight when there was so much turmoil in her heart. She truly loved him more than she loved Negan… but she still loved someone else. Or at least her mind refused to let that notion go. Knowing that was where she stood, she couldn't make vows with him like Ashlyn and Carson did. At least not at that moment.

It's time, Sherry thought. It's time to truly move on.

AUTHOR'S NOTES, TRIVIA, & FACTS

#1 - Keep in mind that baptismal rites and wedding ceremonies are a LOT longer than written on here. Just a lot more to it. Did I want to write out the whole thing? No. But mostly I thought no one was really interested in reading ALL of it. So snippets will have to do.

#2 - Was it ever clarified what Father Gabriel's religious denomination was? I assumed that he was Catholic so in this fanfic, he's a Catholic. He could be Presbyterian or Lutheran, right? I'm not too familiar with what they teach though so...let's just say that he's Catholic LOL.

#3 - I want to clarify something in regards to Sherry as some of her themes in this book may feel repetitive. Only because getting over something like that IS repetitive. It's a long process of thinking and overthinking the same events and rehashing what you could have done better, justifying the attacker's motives, justifying your own motives, and a lot of heart & mind connection that can either leave you broken or offer you needed clarity. IT SUCKS! But this is partially a reason why I didn't want to go straight into the events of book 6 (Whisperer portion). Only because books 1-4 took up so much storylines of abuse, it's fair for the readers to feel that Sherry truly moved on and that her character has been fleshed out as much as possible. Not saying she'll be 100% better during the events of book 6 but there will be a time jump. She will know how to process things better than she does now. That I can guarantee.