Chapter 11
March 18, 2014
Sherry started the water and waited for it to warm up while unclothing herself. With the door already locked and Yolanda in the living room downstairs, she felt safe enough to be in what she considered a vulnerable position.
She woke up feeling antsy that day. Perhaps it was because the dark clouds in the sky or the nightmare that frequented her thoughts in her sleep. Whatever the case, it made her feel an emptiness that hadn't been around since she lived in Sanctuary.
Tugging at the shower curtain, she froze dead in her tracks when she heard muffled male voices in the nearby distance. Yolanda promised that no one would come into the home until Sherry herself was the one to answer the door. She knew Yolanda would keep her word even if it sounded like an odd request.
No, it wasn't just any random voice. She could feel her blood run deathly cold as the deep voice could be heard even over the shower. The voice was so evidently him that it was enough for her heart to cease beating.
Placing her back on the wall of the bathroom, she had to look in all directions to see if she was hallucinating but also to see every vantage point. She saw no one but the voices continued. Fighting for breath, she panted in a hasty manner as cold sweat already emerged from every pore on her face.
The fear was debilitating. Flashbacks of Negan popped into her head as he often towered over her in the shower and raped her as she was pressed against him and the cold tiles. The memory made her visibly squint while remembering the physical pain.
She counted to ten but still heard the voices after. Worried that the vivid flashback would never go away, she then remembered the particular day and time. Every Monday and Thursday were Negan's shower privilege days where he would occupy the bathroom that was only a wall away from Deanna's condominium.
Breathing slowly, she tried to remember that she was safe. He could in no way reach through the wall and tiles to grab her. It's just the bad memories you're thinking of, Sherry reminded herself, He can't step into your shower even if he wanted to.
She contemplated turning off her shower water but stubbornly kept it going. Leaving the bathroom indicated failure. He had already taken so much from her. The idea of bathing at the same time that he did made her stomach twist but she never wanted to be inconvenienced by him even if the idea seemed torturous.
Bracing herself, she stepped into the warm water with hopes that the shower head would drown out all other sounds but she could still hear Negan and what sounded like Miguel in the other room. Whether it was her body on high alert or the walls being paper thin, she could hear specifically what they were saying. Deciding it was a good thing, she knew it was a way she could keep tabs on what they were saying and if Miguel's tone gave her any cause of alarm.
"Just hurry this shit up," Miguel complained, "We all have jobs to do other than watching you shower so do your thing and we'll be on with our day."
"Jesus, sounds like Rick is keeping you busy," Negan muttered back as Sherry could hear the humor in his voice, "Like being Rick's little errand boy?"
"Better than being yours, motherfucker," Miguel replied, "Just take your shower."
"Not going to leave me alone?" Negan asked.
"We got rules," Miguel reminded, "While you're out of your cell, no leaving the prisoner alone at any time."
"Very efficient, aren't we?" Negan teased.
Sherry began to wash her hair while glad the conversation ceased on the other side of the wall. When it seemed like she could breathe again, she jumped at the sound of Negan starting to sing loudly in the shower.
"Well, you know that I'm a wicked guy
And I was born with a jealous mind
And I can't spend my whole life
Trying just to make you toe the line
I'd rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or you won't know where I am."
Sherry just stared at the wall that separated her and her ex-husband as if she could see through solid objects. What he sang shook her. She knew his words to be true and the fact that such lyrics were stuck in his head on loop wasn't merely a coincidence. Touching the large scar on her side from when Negan shot her, she listened to him whistling the tune as she then felt her shoulder blade which bore the mark of his own initials carved into her skin. Looking down at her body, - which all of a sudden felt grimy - she couldn't think of one body part that he hadn't touched before. It had been almost exactly a year since they last shared a bed with each other. Yet as she heard him closeby, the wounds felt fresh and poignant.
She sat on the shower floor and put her head on the wall as water cascaded down her face. Holding her knees up to her chest, she just zoned out with her eyes shut while hearing Negan sing. He was so close. Terrifyingly close.
Whether she was a masochist or too scared to move, Sherry merely sat there in the shower while letting fear take over. It killed her to hear him or be near him at all.
So she sat under the pouring water and waited until he was finished. When she heard his shower turn off and her water pressure get higher, she then heard him converse with Miguel about towels and then Miguel complain on how slow Negan was to get moving.
They left as Sherry stayed in the bathroom while hot tears stung her eyes. You are stronger than this, Sherry chastised to herself, You are past him and have moved on.
…
After her anything-but-relaxed shower, Sherry walked towards Carol's house as they were going to discuss homes that were scheduled to be demolished that day.
They had a busy week ahead of them. It consisted of a lot of communication with Tobin and a newcomer named Siddiq as they had to know which houses were staying and which ones were going. Then it was getting seeds to be planted, assigning crops, making sure the crops were growing the way they should, and then moving forward to fix homes that needed some improvement.
On top of all that, she wasn't allowed in the new part of Alexandria much to her dismay. However, she made a promise to Dwight that she wouldn't step a foot in the new boundary. Whether he deemed it too dangerous or something else, her curiosity was nevertheless peaked.
Knocking on Carol's door, she waited for someone to answer. Hearing some noise, Sherry watched as Carol peered through a window before opening the door then heard the lock jiggle before the woman smiled at her with greeting.
"You are earlier than I anticipated," Carol said warmly and opened the door wider to let Sherry inside.
"Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time," Sherry apologized while carrying a few binders in her arms. Seeing the laundry baskets and piles of clothes that were strewn around the living room, Sherry's shoulders slouched as she looked to Carol behind her. "I did catch you at a bad time."
"Do you think I have all of these clothes just for two people?" Carol joked while walking past Sherry with a smirk, "These are all extra clothes that will go to our small donation store to get new families back on their feet."
"Oh," Sherry replied with a little more enthusiasm, "Would you mind if I helped? What do you need me to do?"
"If you would be a part of the folding brigade, then that would help me get a good start on ironing," Carol offered happily and walked to the corner of the room where an ironing board was situated with an electrical iron already plugged in.
Sherry eyes were instantly glued onto the iron while immediately zoning out from the present. Carol said something to which sounded as if she was thirty feet away but Sherry knew she was standing right next to her. Physically shaking her head, she pulled herself out of the daze and came up for breath.
"I'm so sorry," Sherry whispered and looked to Carol, "What were you saying?"
Carol didn't continue her thought and instead studied Sherry's countenance with question, "You look pale, Sherry. Are you sure that you don't want to take a day to stay home?"
Sherry thought about her neighbor that lived incarcerated in the basement and shook her head vehemently. "No!" she exclaimed, "I'm okay, I just need to work and keep my mind busy. That's what I want to do."
Watching her with skepticism, Carol seemed highly unconvinced. Sherry avoided her gaze and sat on a La-Z-Boy chair to begin folding laundry. Carol was one of the people that knew things without it being said. It unearthed Sherry's darkest secrets. Secrets that Sherry herself didn't even want to discover or define.
"I do have Tobin's shirts to sort through first," Carol started finally as Sherry took a deep breath to relax knowing the older woman was finally off her back, "He has been complaining about the wrinkles for weeks but hasn't gotten around to fixing them because of all the construction going on."
She sprayed some water on a button-down shirt and nonchalantly pressed the iron down while the heat made a screeching noise when it came into contact with the material. Clutching the shirt that she picked up to fold, the sound made Sherry's eyes squint. She immediately felt the need to throw up.
Carol continued ironing Tobin's shirt as she spoke about whatever topic that seemed important to her. Sherry knew it could be something about the community and that she should be paying attention but her eyes were drawn towards the iron. Steam billowed up in a frenzy as she heard thunder in the distance. Looking at Carol to see if she paid attention, she noticed that Carol's appearance seemed hazy to her. Staring at the entire area around her almost felt like she was surrounded by a fog. As if floating away from Alexandria, Sherry lost touch with reality and could smell the rain combined with melted flesh.
Someone touched her as she saw Negan in front of her staring madly into her eyes and shook her violently. "Sherry!" he shouted in her face. When she looked down, she saw Dwight's badly beaten body and freshly scarred cheek as he laid on the ground. She felt cold and distant from everything. She didn't know how she came to be where she was but regardless of how it happened, Negan was with her.
He grabbed her and held her close as she fought him away. The scent of him all over her body made her feel exposed and violated all over again. His eyes burning into her soul left her feeling seared and broken. The fear she had of him while she was in Sanctuary returned. Whatever progress she thought had been made spiraled away and she was only left with Negan.
"Sherry!" Negan yelled at her again but something in his tone made it seem like he was stressed about something! "Sherry," came the voice again but seemed soft spoken and terrified. Sherry began looking around as her surroundings seemed foggy once more. Negan disappeared as she was left all alone. "Sherry?" She heard Negan ask but his voice didn't sound like him anymore. It sounded like Carol's. "You need to snap out of it, okay?"
Blinking several times, she started panting as if she ran a marathon and brought her hands to her knees to catch a breath. Carol walked up to her slowly with arms folded. "Sherry, honey, it's Carol. Do you know where you are?"
"I... don't…" Sherry started but shook her head. She knew she was in Alexandria but the fear of another location remained. Something changed in her mindset. Alexandria changed in some way. Negan! Sherry started to breathe fast as she paced Carol's living room. "We have to tell Rick!"
"Sherry, you need to calm down!" Carol stressed with her hands out in near surrender, "I already yelled for Tobin to go find Dwight for you, okay?"
"What?!" Sherry uttered and started towards the front door, "Dwight can't be around me. He'll be hurt!"
"Sherry, do you understand what you are saying right now?" Carol questioned, "Whatever happened in my house was something that wasn't real."
"No, it happened," Sherry responded back, "I know it did! Negan is out, someone didn't lock his door! He was here! I saw him!"
"Sherry!"
She heard Dwight's voice and began to wail when she saw him running towards her with Tobin following behind. She started in the other direction to avoid Dwight but became shocked that he kept advancing despite the danger that his actions entailed.
"Stop!" Sherry warned with a broken heart, "You need to get away from me!"
"Sher, what happened?" Dwight asked, "Are you okay?"
Shaking her head, her chin quivered as she folded her arms but continued to walk towards Deanna's house where Alexandria's prison resided nearby. Reality started to crash back into her thought process but she violently slapped the side of her head multiple times to stay on top of her main priority.
"Hey, cut it out," Dwight insisted and grabbed her hand so she wouldn't hit herself again, "What do you need? I can help you!"
"I need to find him," Sherry stumbled over her words as she recognized how ludicrous it sounded, "He escaped and... I... need to find him. He'll kill you!"
"Sherry, I don't understand what you are trying to say," Dwight said slowly but followed her, "Who?"
"Where... is... he?" Sherry asked while hyperventilating.
"Where is who?" Dwight questioned. "Please tell me what's going on?"
Taking a deep breath, she began to remember what actually happened. She walked into Carol's living room to find the older woman was ironing Tobin's shirts. The surreal occurred after but it all seemed so physically complex that she was positive that it couldn't have been a dreamlike sequence. She had just endured a flashback. One of the first in what felt like a very long time.
Instantly forming a headache, the urgency vanished but the fear remained. The helpless fear. Stumbling to the ground in the middle of Alexandria, she felt wiped out of all energy as she just sat in the middle of the street. Carol and Tobin stood nearby as they both had pity in their eyes. Working as her protectors, they told everyone gathering around to kindly keep walking and leave her be.
Embarrassment soon took over as her face reddened from all the stares. It had been so long since she focused on all the pain that took hold of her life for as long as it had. She gave into all of it after just the sight of an iron.
"Sherry, let's take you home, okay?" Dwight suggested calmly.
He began to reach for her but Sherry stood up on her own and began stepping away. "No, I'm fine. I really don't need you trying to fix my problems. I can figure this out on my own."
Her voice sounded cold and distant but she didn't want to bring him into something that could be solely taken care of. She didn't want to rely on him for anything. She had been alone for so long that bringing him into something to only feel weighed down by her past seemed like a wrong step.
"I didn't say that you couldn't figure whatever out on your own," Dwight argued gently and followed behind her, "I only said you don't have to be by yourself."
"Stop doing that," Sherry groaned in irritation.
"Doing what?" Dwight asked with almost an annoyed voice.
"You just want to fix everything!" Sherry complained, "I don't need you to fix me! I'm fine!"
"You do the same for me, Sher," Dwight remarked with a biting tone, "Don't be a hypocrite."
"Excuse me?" Sherry asked as hot tears began to fall. They walked away from the group of people that still lingered as Sherry was glad for the solitude they had to speak candidly with each other. "Just because I want to be left alone doesn't make me a hypocrite, Dwight. It just means that I don't need you to try and help me. I can do it myself!"
"I didn't say you couldn't," Dwight grumbled, "What do you want me to do?"
"Go back to work," Sherry said but even as she said it, she still had to look over her shoulder to see if Negan was around.
"I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone," Dwight declared with arms folded.
"That's not up to you," Sherry clipped, "Stop trying to control the situation. It's not yours to control."
"Where the hell is this coming from, Sherry?" Dwight questioned with his nostrils beginning to flare, "I haven't done anything to try and control you. Just give me something to understand. I know what Negan has done is still being sorted out. Let me help you."
"You wouldn't get it," Sherry muttered while shouldering past him.
"What wouldn't I get, Sherry?" Dwight challenged back, "I have zero way of understanding how Negan could hurt someone? Is that what I will have a problem understanding in some way? Don't discredit my pain because it's different than yours."
Sherry felt the sting and it was clear that Dwight knew the weight of his words the second that he said them. Closing his eyes he put a hand to his face and rubbed his scar which made her feel worse. "I didn't mean it like that," he said in a low voice.
"No, it's not your fault," Sherry said while backing away, "I… I need to clear my head. Away from you and away from everyone else."
Dwight watched her disappear behind a house as she hurriedly escaped the scene. Glancing towards Alexandria's prison then back to where he last saw Sherry, he took a couple of deep breaths and kicked the side of the empty house that stood beside him. Angry at his inability to reach out to her and her walls that still remained up, he walked back towards the wall to finish his shift as he understood that both he and Sherry needed time to cool off.
One thing he knew for sure was that he never wanted to be on Sherry's bad side ever again.
…
Judith was nestled in Christy's arms after a long day of play. They spent the whole afternoon creating art on the sidewalk with chalk that had been found at an old elementary school. Judith danced on the chalk and loved the designs Christy created for her specifically as she requested several animals that they read about in library books.
After giving Judith a bath, they made a small dinner for three as Carl joined before following his dad around with this or that. The teenager was quiet but seemed to appreciate Christy's presence which pleased her immensely. She knew that if anyone had the approval of Carl, they automatically had the approval of Rick. Not sure why she strived for his acceptance, she was glad all the same.
As Judith slept on her chest, there was a knock at the door. She turned to see Rick peering through the glass as he saw her gesture to let himself in. When he opened the door, he stopped at the sight of Christy and Judith on the couch then smiled.
"If you think it would be easier to keep her here for the night instead of moving her, I don't mind," Christy solved knowing that waking a toddler up could mean she would be awake for hours.
"I couldn't ask that if you," Rick answered politely and sat beside Christy leaving a small distance between them.
"It's no trouble, Rick," Christy said quietly. "She's very even-tempered. Her company doesn't bother me at all." Judith stirred in her sleep and turned her head to rest on Christy's other shoulder. "I insist."
"I can stay here in case she wakes up," Rick said to find a middle ground, "She's my own, I shouldn't put you out if she wakes up at night."
Christy liked the idea of him staying at her house so she didn't oppose. "Fine, you can sleep here on the couch."
"Really?" Rick asked not knowing she would accept the idea.
"Mi casa es su casa," Christy joked and stroked her hair. "Pretty dark curls this one has."
Rick watched as Christy continued to relax with a toddler in her arms. "Yeah, she got that from her mom."
"I'm sorry she passed," Christy said with sincerity. "That must have been difficult with two children."
"I didn't know how to process it," Rick answered, "I wasn't really around for the first couple of months that she was alive. I was trying to avoid some responsibilities and absorbed myself in other things."
"The denial is understandable," Christy agreed. "When my husband died I was just in shock. It took a long time for me to accept it."
"I didn't know you were married," Rick commented.
Christy smiled. "He was a good man."
"Did you have kids?" Rick asked but then furrowed his brows as if he didn't think before opening his mouth. "I'm sorry, that was a…"
"Don't worry, I didn't," Christy confirmed, "We wanted to though."
They sat in the dim light of Christy's house that she used to share with Sasha before she moved to Hilltop temporarily to live near Maggie and Hershel. Now she felt it was more empty than she wanted it to be and craved the company that Rick was now giving her.
Christy looked down and smiled at Judith's angelic face. "Some faces that she makes during the day… I swear, she got those facial expressions from you. A spittin' image of her dad."
Rick snorted and folded his arms in disbelief but looked to Christy with one eyebrow raised. "Yeah, I'm sure."
"She may have gotten those dark curls from her momma but this girl is all yours," Christy said confidently.
Christy wasn't sure what was going on in Rick's head but his eyes read that some clarity was shining through in whatever fog had overcome him. A sense of peace followed as he looked to Judith in a new light then looked to Christy with gratitude.
He leaned over and kissed Christy on the cheek as her eyes widened with surprise. What shocked her was the way her body responded to the affection as she leaned in immediately after to kiss him again. Without fear if he would reciprocate it or not, she planted a kiss to on his lips as he sank into the much needed passion that she effortlessly gave.
Remembering that Judith was still in Christy's arms, she stopped the kiss almost as soon as it began while her face became every shade of red. Rick chuckled at her reaction and sat back with a satisfied exhale.
Loving the sense of newness that came with Rick, she smirked and kissed Judith on the forehead to express the joy she felt. Nice try, Negan, Christy thought, Can't hold me down forever.
…
Dwight had looked everywhere in Alexandria for Sherry and couldn't find her. He looked in the new area that he made her swear not to go around. He even searched the entire house that he was building for her but she had vanished into thin air. As he began to worry if she went to another community without someone knowing her whereabouts, he glanced up to the watch tower knowing it was the last place that he was going to check before he went completely insane.
He walked up the many flights of stairs but as he didn't hear any noise from above, he became dismayed that perhaps she wasn't up there after all. He arrived at the top of the tower to see Sherry sitting next to the opening that their snipers used as a lookout and shoot walkers from above.
"You okay?" Dwight asked and took a seat on the floor on the opposite of the open lookout space.
Sherry looked as if she were in her own other world and said nothing. For several minutes, he just sat and waited for her when she was ready. When she continued to stay silent, he figured he should begin the conversation from his perspective.
"I remember...the night when Negan first showed up," Dwight began, "I remember before he walked into our camp thinking that we could make what we had work. Despite everything that changed in a short amount of time, I believed we could figure something out. I still believe we can. But now it's just like jumping over thousands of hurdles to get to that point, isn't it?"
Sherry only listened as Dwight continued. "Nothing that I did before seemed right. Every step I took just felt conflicted. I still can't make any sense of it. But the more time I have had away from Sanctuary, the more I realize it wasn't anyone's fault except Negan's."
Sherry stiffened at the sound of his name. He pressed on while unraveling all of his thoughts out loud. "Carson had his brother to protect. Do we blame him for the things he has done? What about Christy? Does she deserve any blame? So why are we putting so much blame on ourselves for a situation that we couldn't control?
"There are so many things I wish never happened, Sher," Dwight muttered in the quietness. "I keep on entertaining the idea...the fantasy… What if we never ran into Sanctuary? What if we were without all the burdens that we are facing now? But then I wonder if thinking about the 'what-if's' too much makes me avoid the reality too often. Am I putting off what I need to do to make our lives better because I refuse to acknowledge what's right in front of me?"
Sherry stayed quiet as he continued to express what was on his mind. "I have a lot of failures. It's difficult to think about all of them. I could have prevented a lot more than I did. A lot sooner than I did. I see when you're hurt because of things in the past. It hurts me to know I could have stopped it."
"Dwight, what happened to me wasn't your fault," Sherry assured softly.
"I could have fought harder," Dwight said bitterly. "That night after this happened," he gestured towards his face, "I was there at his house when he…"
"Dwight..." Sherry said as her voice broke with grief.
Tears stung his eyes at the memory and as he blinked, they fell down his face effortlessly. He sniffled while trying to collect himself. "I was so beat up from earlier… I didn't want to give up but all I could do was sit there tied to a fucking chair. And to know that shit continued even more after… I felt so helpless."
Sherry began to say something but was overcome with sadness that a sob broke from her lips. Her chin quivered before a wave of tears overflowed as she hastily wiped them away from her cheeks. "I didn't know you were there."
Dwight nodded as he reached for a cigarette but thought better of it because Sherry wasn't fond of the smell. "I didn't want you to know."
Sherry wasn't exactly sure how to process it but surprisingly didn't feel violated knowing that he was close enough to hear every detail that happened when Negan first touched her. Shuddering at the memory she saw Dwight was looking at her as he bit his lip in thought.
"He was definitely a person who tried to get his point across," Sherry stated sadly. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that."
Dwight let out a pained laugh and put a hand to his forehead while shaking it back and forth. "This is why I didn't want to tell you."
"Why?" Sherry questioned.
"You don't have to be sorry that I heard you being taken advantage of. You were the one who was hurt."
"And you weren't?" Sherry challenged. "Dwight, he was toying with you knowing that he had all the power. You have the right to be just as hurt as I was."
Dwight said nothing as it felt wrong to agree with her. What she endured may not have been the same as his own trials, but he felt as if she received the bad end of things.
"You were just as much a victim as I was, Dwight," Sherry said, "You had just as much control as I did. You can't be blamed for what happened."
"It's just hard," Dwight lamented, "After it happened I replayed it over and over in my head. I didn't want to. It was just there. I thought every time I killed someone that I was preventing it from happening again. That my actions were justified in a way."
"What did you think was going on with me and Negan?" Sherry thought out loud with curiosity as she knew Negan sleeping with her was very public knowledge in Sanctuary. "Did you think…?"
"As stupid as it sounds, yes," Dwight replied knowing what he question eluded to. "I thought you found a way to be happy with him. He made it seem that way too. And I couldn't even blame you for it."
"It's not stupid to say because I tried," Sherry revealed quietly. "I tried to pretend that what we had wasn't surrounded with all the red flags. But I couldn't forget. I just remembered everything he did to you when I was on the brink of losing myself to him. It's so hard to breakaway from that mindset of complacency though."
"I hear ya on that," Dwight said quietly.
"I put so much blame on myself…" Sherry whispered. "Negan kept on saying that someone would pay if I stepped out of line and I started to believe him. At a point, I felt like I was holding everyone together. Just standing in the middle of him and the people I cared about."
"To protect everyone," Dwight rephrased for her.
Sherry took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "It's been so hard," she repeated from what he said earlier. "I thought getting out of Sanctuary would make it easier. Does that makes sense?"
"Because we're back in a normal life, our memories feel like a contradiction on how we should be feeling, right?" Dwight asked. Sherry seemed surprised that he knew exactly what she was experiencing and responded with a ghost of a smile.
They stayed where they were while getting every emotion off their chest. As difficult as it was to talk about the memories that plagued them daily, it was therapeutic to speak about it as well. The lump in Sherry's throat continued to be present in their conversation but a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. To be candid with Dwight about her personal demons was liberating. She hoped Dwight felt the same.