AN: I originally planned to upload a OS about Uhura and Spock for a request by LadyRedStar, but this morning my laptop died on me and now I hope they can fix it without everything being lost. Still crushed out this one somehow on my old pc, because I had it planned as well an want to thank you this way for all of your overwhelming support! Thanks everyone!

Music tip:
Hi-Finesse – Edge of Twilight
youtube: watch?v=b4nN2GnT3AY

fate

chapter 2:
repeat

For a moment it's like he can't breathe.

It's all there again, the pictures, the screams, the video feed, the reports –
and amongst it all is his father's face.

The cracked screen in front of him on the bridge shows an army of the enemy's ships, conquering and devastating, and Jim is condemned to idleness. Something he never has been really good at.
And between the cracks he can see his reflection, pale and stiff, while people around him yell and run towards the emergency pods for the bridge crew, which were made just in case that something like this happened, something none of them had ever expected (because whatever happens, the Enterprise always pushes through, even without warp or tumbling towards Earth).

"Captain, everyone on the ship has been evacuated to our knowledge."
Sulu appears between him and his reflection, his unusual state of mind disappears in an instant and then he is the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise again and commanders his people with unbroken will.
He shoves his other crewmembers towards the last pods, Sulu helps their guest, whom Jim can't stand to look at right now and then it's only them left on the bridge that is damaged beyond repair and filled with the eerie sounds of the alarm and those red lights. It's like a stab in the heart, really.

For years now, ever since Nero disappeared into the unforgiving black hole, this has been his home. Everyone he ever really cared about (and was still amongst the living) had been here and by his side no matter how impossible the obstacles on their way have been.
Each and every single one of them had given their best, fought, lived and supported, and somehow they had even beaten death itself at one point.

"-tain?"

Now he is going to abandon it all.
It's not fair. None of it.

…but then again he was going to betray them all anyway, wasn't he?
Why not end his career on the Enterprise like this, heroic and in one of those fights that manage to make him feel more alive than he ever had felt all those years stuck on earth?

"Jim?"
The sudden pressure on his shoulder makes him flinch and with growing concern he registers that Sulu is still by his side and waiting for his captain to leave with him. Despite the ongoing attacks. Despite the fact that every remaining second on the ship is putting him at even more risk. Despite the fact that his husband and beautiful daughter are waiting for his return on the Starbase.
He still stands by his captain's side against all odds and waits patiently.

"Get into a pod," he says over the blearing of the alarm and even though his voice is unusually soft and throaty, Sulu takes it as a command and follows it without even blinking once. When he is secured by the belts and standing in the open capsule, he throws a questioning glance at Jim, who still stands in front of his chair and regards him with a closed expression on his weary face.

"Captain, are yo-"

"I'll be right behind you, Mr. Sulu."
And even though he doesn't move an inch, the young man clearly hears the hidden promise in his friend's voice (I'll fix it somehow, I'm not letting you die, never!), so he nods, looks a last time at his place on the bridge and then presses the button. In a matter of seconds Sulu is gone and Jim is alone on the dying Enterprise.

She's is dying under his feet and he can't do a fucking thing about it.
Maybe they all will survive this onslaught somehow,
maybe Starfleet will build another Enterprise for them,
maybe she will look exactly like this one.

But it'll never feel the same.
And just like that his decision – the one he wanted to talk to Spock and Bones about first before deciding once and for all – is made for him.
When this is over and he is still being alive somehow (because Bones is right, one day his luck is going to run out), he'll leave the Enterprise and his crew.

And for the first time thinking about it he doesn't feel overwhelming guilt nibbling at his insides.

The ship is closing in on the atmosphere of the planet.
It's time to go.

A last time his fingers brush over the console of the captain's chair.
A last time he walks towards the large screen, turns around and throws a patient glance over the bridge.
A last time he smiles, hesitant and sad, and allows himself to feel how his body is being ripped apart by the emotional pain.

"Thank you."

Once more he turns around to look at the planet, before abandoning his lady, and between the cracks of the screen a face smiles back at him. For a moment his father's eyes stare at Jim, proud and calm in the face of certain death.
Maybe things are similar, maybe he is feeling the same way, but it's still different.

No sacrifice. No losing hope. No giving up.
Because his crew still needs him.

One last time.