You are all the besttt with the reviews. (:
Oh, and just to be clear, when Edward was hugging the pillow in his bed at the clinic, when he was talking about Bella's hair, he didn't have an actual piece of her hair. He I think some people got confused about that.
Does anyone listen to Mumford & Sons? A couple of months ago, I heard two of their songs and loved them, but this past week, I got their album Sigh No More and I'm in LOVE with the entire album. I love their live stuff as well. I can't believe Marcus Mumford (the lead singer) is only 24! He puts so much passion into his songs. All I did today was listen to their album and finish this chapter. I find their songs so moving that while I was listening to them and writing this, I cried, lmao. I just felt so bad for Bella and Edward!
My favorite songs right now are "White Blank Page" and "Thistle & Weeds." With that said, the song for this chapter is:
"White Blank Page" by: Mumford & Sons
"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart...as well as your body?
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love...as well as your folly?
But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections."
- JayBee
BPOV
I tossed and turned in my bed for what seemed like forever. Why wasn't the sun rising already? I turned around to look out my window and turned back around. Still pitch black outside.
I checked the time. 3:37 A.M.
I have to be up for work in four hours.
I wasn't sleepy at all, though. I just wanted to pass out so I didn't have to think about any of this.
Why did I have to go downstairs and see Jacob? I should have just told him to leave. I shouldn't have even answered his text. Why did he have to come? Why did I have to kiss him?
I waited for my alarm to go off and tried not to think of the way Edward's face looked last night.
Okay. Obviously that's all I thought about. How could I not? During the game, I almost cried because of the sorrowful look on his face. When he came over, it seemed as if he didn't
even care.
I finally heard my alarm go off and got up to get ready. At 7:55, I went to my window and waited for Edward. He walked out and put his briefcase down to pull his black knit hat out
of his coat pocket and put it on. My heart thumped against my chest when he picked up his briefcase and looked up at my window.
Should I smile? Should I wave? What should I do?
All he did was stare at me as he walked down the walkway.
It was too late. He had already turned onto the sidewalk and was walking away from me.
He would walk to the bus stop and take the bus to the subway. I watched him walk until he was out of sight. I looked up at the sky. What a gloomy day. I hope it doesn't snow again. The
best part about snow was that I could cuddle with Edward and laze around the house. If it snows and I'm not with him…the snow isn't that great.
I finished getting ready and couldn't help getting lost in thought.
What was I going to do if he didn't want to be together anymore? Would he still want to be friends? Ugh! I didn't want to think about being his friend. I didn't want to be with anyone else.
What if he never spoke to me again
I couldn't go another week without him. Four months was more than enough.
I finished getting ready and went downstairs to grab a banana and say bye to my dad before leaving.
At work, dealing with the patients was getting to be too much. Still, I couldn't act like anything as wrong. I had to do my job. More important, I couldn't let these people down.
I know they feel like I'm nagging them, but I'm only trying to help. I hope Edward knew that at the clinic and didn't feel like the therapist was attacking him. I couldn't stop thinking about him,
but I had to make sure not to let my thoughts interfere with the things I told the patients.
Finally, I had my lunch break. I went to my truck and sat with my phone in my lap. Should I text him? What would I say?
I convinced myself to call him, and held my breath as I listened to the rings. The call went to voicemail.
I listened to the entire thing just to hear his voice.
"Hey, you've reached Edward Cullen. Leave a message and your number and I'll get back to you. Thanks." I smiled when I heard the whispered laugh at the end. "Bella, stop it." We were lounging
on his bed that day, and I was lying down by his feet. This was way before we started dating, over a year ago. It feels like it was ages ago. I tried tickling his feet, just to make him laugh and
mess up his voicemail message. He wasn't ticklish, but he ended up laughing and shaking his foot anyway, trying to get me to stop. I don't know why he never changed his voicemail message,
but I'm glad he kept it.
I hung up before the beep and called him again. He would pick up. He always picked up, even when he was at work.
This time, there were only two rings before the call went to voicemail. I listened to the entire thing again, waiting for the whisper at the end.
I put my phone back in my lap and leaned my forehead against my steering wheel, letting out a long sigh. He wasn't going to pick up. He ignored my call.
It feels as if my heart is literally breaking in half, but I guess I deserve it.
I looked down at my phone when I heard a beep.
From: Edward
– Are you in trouble or something? –
Huh?
To: Edward
– No. –
From: Edward
– Then stop calling me. I'm at work. –
To: Edward
– Can you go to the bathroom? –
From: Edward
– No. –
But he always went to the bathroom to talk when he couldn't take a call.
To: Edward
– Please, Edward? –
From: Edward
– No. I'm at a meeting, texting under a fucking table. I can't leave. –
I had to talk to him. Now. I couldn't take it anymore. I began texting him back, begging to speak to him. Another text from him interrupted my message.
From: Edward
– Okay, you know what? I'm fucking done. I can't deal w/ this shit right now, Bella!
Do w/e the fuck you want. –
I felt my face flush red with anger. I forced myself to control my breathing and looked down when I heard another beep.
From: Edward
– I fucking loved you w/ everything I had in my heart! I would NEVER think of doing anything
w/ anyone else, but you do it so fucking easily, so go ahead. Go date a drug dealer. –
Fine. If he wanted to break up through texts, then fine.
To: Edward
– I'd rather date a drug dealer than a fucking addict. Have fun fucking your sluts. –
There was no doubt in my mind that he'd turn into a manwhore tomorrow. God forbid Edward-fucking-Cullen was single and didn't sleep with every girl in the city.
I pressed the 'send' button, then repeatedly pressed 'end'. I had to cancel the message before it was sent.
I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it.
But it was too late. The message was sent.
I looked down and gasped at his response. What the…hell?
From: Edward
– I will. Thanks for all the practice. I'm actually having fun right now. I'm getting my dick sucked
by Tanya. Great, isn't it? I can just tell you I'm in a meeting and do w/e I want to. –
I didn't know whether to scream or cry or what. Was he being serious or was he just trying to make me mad? I stared at the text through blurry eyes. He couldn't be texting if he
was telling the truth. But then again, Edward could multitask with impossible shit. This was probably one of them.
I didn't respond. I couldn't. What would I say? Nothing I say could make this better.
I turned off my phone and went back into the hospital. I had only two more patients to see, and then I could go home and get into bed. Just two and a half more hours.
I spent the rest of my workday thinking about the time he had asked me if I would still love him even if he didn't say "I love you" back. Was that why he hadn't said it back last night?
But he wouldn't test me like that. It wasn't like Edward to do something like that. Of course I still loved him. I would take my love for him to the grave.
As soon as I clocked out of work, I went straight home. My dad had ordered pizza, but I wasn't hungry.
I went straight up to my room and laid facedown on my bed. What could I do? I couldn't lose him, but I couldn't stay with him if he didn't want me.
I felt like someone tore out my heart and stomped on it when he said our time together was 'practice.' How could he think that? Was he calling me a slut?
I hadn't meant what I had said, so he couldn't have meant what he said.
I buried my face in my pillow and listened to the footsteps outside.
I looked at the time. 7:37. It was Edward. He was home from work.
How long had I been laying here? I put my head back down and breathed in and out deeply.
I buried my face deeper into the pillow when I heard my door open slowly. I couldn't deal with anyone right now.
I knew it was him right after he closed the door. I recognized his tentative footsteps as he walked over to my bed. Part of me wanted to yell at my dad for letting him in, but I couldn't
move. I felt my heart race when I felt the bed sink with his weight.
He put a hand on my back, and it felt as if my skin was on fire under his touch.
"Bells, please turn around."
My heart skipped a beat at the mention of my name. I muttered a "no" and nothing more. If I said any more, I'd cry.
He sat there for a few minutes, the only sounds in the room our own breaths.
I finally turned around and looked up at him. I didn't say anything, mainly because I didn't know what to say. He looked as handsome as ever, still in his work clothes. The top button
on his shirt was undone and his tie loose.
He lay down next to me and turned his body to face mine, tucking an arm under his head.
"I didn't invite you into my bed."
I saw a flash of pain run through his features before he composed himself. "I don't care."
We lay that way for a while, neither of us touching the other. "Bella, I don't have the strength to stay away from you."
"You seemed to have the strength this afternoon. I guess having your dick in someone's mouth can do that."
"I wasn't…" He let out a sigh. "I was at a meeting."
"Why did you even say you were doing that?"
"I wanted you to hurt as much as I was hurting. I didn't think you'd believe me, though."
"I didn't know whether to believe you or not. Edward, that was really mean."
He raised a brow at me. "The things you said and did weren't exactly nice, either."
I looked down between us. He couldn't be more right. I didn't know what to say, so I just said what I felt.
"I'm sorry. For everything. Not just for the texts. I can't explain how much it hurt me when you just got up and left last night. I don't blame you for not caring anymore. And the fact
that you were so mad you couldn't even look at me…"
"That's not why I left." His voice seemed so far away. I looked at him then, and I couldn't help but notice that he hadn't lifted my head up or told me to look at him. "I left because I
didn't know how to deal with the pain. No one has ever cheated on me before, and I didn't know what to do. I felt myself getting mad but I didn't want to take it out on you."
"But I was the reason you got angry. You had no one else to take it out on."
He shook his head. "I should've worded that better. I didn't want to take my anger out on anything or anyone, especially you. So I went home and did my breathing exercises –" He must
have noticed the look on my face. "They taught me these breathing exercises at the clinic. I'm supposed to do them when I feel myself getting angry or anxious and they're supposed to
help me calm down."
"Do they work?"
"Yeah, but I wish there was a quicker way to lessen the anger." I moved closer to him and took his hand in mine as he continued. "Anyway, I went home to and calmed down. I told
myself I would talk to you today, but when I saw you sitting by the window this morning, I got mad again. I don't know why. I just did. I just thought of the way everything happened
and how I found out."
"Do you feel that way now?" I didn't want him to get mad every time he saw me. Who would want that?
"No. I'm…okay, do you just wanna know the truth? It's not gonna make you feel any better, though."
"Yeah."
He let out a sigh "I'm too sad to be mad. I know…it doesn't really make sense. I never anticipated anything like this happening, even when I was gone. I should've never left. I was so
close to just quitting the program and coming back home the first couple of weeks because I literally felt like I was dying, and I thought I'd be better of here. But I stayed for you. I know
that sounds weird. I mean, if I was going to do something for you, it seems like the best thing to do would've been to come back so we could be together. But then…if I came back before
the program was over, I would've relapsed in a second. And I couldn't let you be around me if that happened. So I stayed. Because I knew I would be guaranteed to see you after I
completed their stupid program. The entire time I was there, the only thing I focused on was seeing you and my family. I never even thought that you'd do anything with anyone else, but
I should have. Thought about it, mean. It's always a possibility. Not because you're a bad person, but you're human. I wasn't lying when I said I never think of doing anything with anyone
else, but I find other girls attractive, too. I feel guilty about it, but I can't help it. So yeah, I get jealous when you find other guys attractive, but I understand. And I'm sorry I implied that
you were a…slut. It disgusts me just thinking about it. You're nowhere near one. And when we're together – when we make love, when we just plain fuck – it's not practice. Okay?" I waited
for him to continue, but he was waiting for an answer. "Okay, Bella?"
"Okay." My voice sounded so foreign, even to myself.
He let go of my hand and rested his hand on my hip, rubbing up and down. "What shocked me was that you acted on the feelings you had. And with him. I never worried about it, because
I just thought that if you had never cheated on and of your other boyfriends, you would never cheat on me. I know it sounds arrogant, but that's the way I see you. You're above the rest
of them. I understand if you don't feel the same way. I know you still love me. And I still wanna be with you. I just needed to think things through. I'm not gonna try to be without you,
because I know I can't be. Please just tell me why you did it so I know what I did wrong. Do I not pay enough attention to you? Or do I not buy you enough things? Was it because I didn't
love you enough? I tried so hard, Bella, to give you everything. And it all came so easy, you know? Because I thought I knew how to treat you and make you happy. It was easy for me to
make you happy. But now I wish I'd never left you so this wouldn't have happened…but I did leave you, and it did happen."
I stared at him in shock. "You've got it all wrong."
"What?"
"All of it. Everything." I didn't know where to begin. "You never left me. It was something you needed to do for us and for your family. That was a very, very selfless and loving thing for you
to do. Edward, it breaks my heart to know that you think I don't feel the same way about you."
"No, I know you love me."
I put a finger over his lips. "No. I'm in love with you. If there was a feeling that was stronger than love, that's what I would feel for you. I feel like love doesn't even begin to cover what
I feel for you. I told you before that I know I don't always show you how much I love you, but please believe me when I say I really try. And now…I've completely ruined everything. You do
more for me than I could ever ask from anyone. Baby, I didn't even know what love was until I fell in love with you. I thought I did, but I was so wrong. Anything I've ever felt for anyone
else is nowhere near what I'll always feel for you. Don't ever think you don't pay enough attention to me or love me enough. And you know you don't need to buy me anything. I can see
how much you love me, but I don't know what to do to show you how much I love you. You already had your doubts, and my weakness set us even farther back."
He pulled me closer to him and kissed my forehead before resting his chin on top of my head. "Tell me." He hugged me tight, embracing my body in his own.
"Tell you what?" I wrapped my arms around him, finding comfort in his warmth.
"Tell me everything that happened with him."
"Are you sure?"
"I wanna know."
I wanted to say everything as quick as possible. "Okay. Um…Well, I hadn't spoken to him since you had gone to the clinic, but a month before you came back, he sent me a text telling
me to go outside because he was outside my house. I didn't know who it was at first because I don't have his number anymore, but it was him. So I went down, and I didn't want him
to be here, and we started arguing about everything. About…you…and stuff. And then I started thinking about you. And I missed you so much. I always tried to avoid talking about, only
because it hurt me too much. So we talked about you…and then…" I let out a loud sigh. "Edward, this is so stupid. You're not gonna believe me."
"Please, just tell me."
"Okay. We were talking about you, and I started thinking about you, like getting really deep into thought, and then he kissed me." I buried my face in his chest and waited for him to say
something, but he stayed silent. "And at first, I kissed him back, because I thought it was you." He was so silent. "See, I told you. It's so stupid."
He hugged me tighter. "Continue."
Oh, my god. This was so embarrassing. I can't believe I'm telling him how I cheated on him with Jacob – in detail. "So, I kissed him back, and then he made a noise – or some noises, I
don't know – and that's how I came to my senses. They weren't the same noises you make. And then I pulled back to look at him and he didn't have your eyes, and then I panicked and
yelled at him and he said I had already cheated on you so I panicked. I went inside and I never spoke to him after that."
Edward pulled back slowly, and I got scared that he was going to leave again.
He sat on the edge of my bed, his back to me. He rested his forehead in his hands and I rushed over to him. I brought my hands in front of him and took his tie off, setting it down on my
bed before wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He held onto my arms as I laid my head on his shoulder.
"If it happened one month ago, why didn't you tell me while I was there? I would have made peace with it before I came back."
"I didn't want to tell you in a letter."
"But I found out through a game."
"I know. I was going to tell you last night, I swear. I was just putting it off because I didn't want to ruin the day."
He turned his head to look at me. "Was that what you were trying to tell me all day yesterday?"
"Yeah."
He let out a sigh and turned his head back around. "So you didn't sleep with him?"
"No." I closed my eyes. I couldn't take this. It was so embarrassing. When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me again. "Is that what you thought we did?"
"I don't know, Bella. I just thought about every possible thing that could have happened. The worst thing I thought about was that you'd slept with him…several times."
I felt a sharp pain in my heart and willed it away. "No. We didn't. I know my reason for doing it is childish. I'm sorry. I understand if you don't believe me."
"I believe you. I should have let you explain yesterday, but at the time, I was too angry to care."
"Edward, I promise you I would never even think of choosing someone else over you."
"Can I just ask one last question?"
"Yeah."
His voice seemed lighter, and I instinctively calmed down as well. "Do you think Jacob's handsome?" What? He is a god-looking kid, but after this entire fiasco, I don't know if I should
say 'yes' or 'no.' He smirked at me and I cocked and eyebrow at him. "Babe, just tell me. I already know the answer by the look on your face."
"Okay, okay. He's handsome. But I don't want him!"
He let out a small laugh. "Well, that's good to know. Because he obviously wants you and I'm not letting him have you." We sat there for a few minutes before Edward broke the silence
with a yawn. "We have work tomorrow."
I let out a groan. Great.
Edward patted my arm. "I know. That's exactly the way I feel. I don't even wanna be around the people at work." He turned to look at me. "Are you gonna stay here tonight or do you
wanna sleep over?"
"Well, if my dad…" My words were interrupted by a yawn. "…would let you sleep over, I would just lie down right now and pass out. But since he wants to be difficult, I'll come over."
"Sounds good to me." "But…" He held my hand pulled me up off the bed. "…I'm not gonna let you pass out. We're not gonna sleep just yet."
"Oh? So what are we gonna do?"
He turned around with a crooked smile as we made our way down the stairs. "We're gonna practice."
I looked at him with a knowing smile. I definitely wasn't too tired for that.
Keep up the great reviews!