(I had to delete and reupload this chapter a few times because I don't think it got bumped to the top properly so that people could actually see it. Sorry if you have this story on alert!)
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"We usually cast our own framework out of a titanium alloy," uncle Phineas was saying, while uncle Ferb demonstrated with a bucket and an icecube tray. "We tried ordering from a supplier, but we couldn't find one that delivered fast enough."
Alicia sat with her hands on her chin, drinking in every word he said. Fred was still being her, so he did too. He was learning a lot about his uncle's personality, but that was just a bonus. He was Alicia, and he hero worshipped uncle Phineas to an unhealthy extent.
"Hey Phineas," said a voice from beyond the fence. "Watcha doing?"
A girl with a pink bow in her hair entered the yard. It was a younger version of Fred's aunt Isabella!
"Hanging with our with our kids from the future," uncle Phineas replied.
"Wow, that's awesome!" said Isabella, looking from Fred to Alicia. To Alicia, she said "You must be o- You must be Phineas's daughter!"
Alicia scowled. "How can everyone tell?"
"I think it's the head," said uncle Phineas.
"It's the head!" said Fred, pointing. He didn't know how she couldn't see it. At the same time, he knew exactly how she couldn't see it, but as long as he was being her, he had to pretend otherwise, even to himself. Alicia wasn't very good at people.
Alicia felt her head self-consciously.
Isabella tore her eyes away from Alicia and asked Fred, "Didn't I see you in the future? You were with a girl and a boy..."
"She must mean Xavier and Amanda!" said Alicia.
Fred had guessed that. "They're my brother and sister!" he said. "Amanda didn't come with us, but Xavier did! Now he's getting my fwooshawizzledoo back from Baljeet!"
Uncle Phineas looked around. "He should have been back by now... I hope he didn't get lost."
"Xavier wouldn't get lost!" said Fred, who was pretty confident of this. "He's too careful! He won't go so far that he can't come back!"
"In that case, great!" said uncle Phineas. "I wonder where Alton and Hal went... Maybe Candace has seen them." To Isabella, he said "They're Ferb's kids. Twins!"
"Lucky Ferb," said aunt Isabella, not sounding completely serious. She kept looking at Alicia. "So, uh, what's your name?"
"Alicia!" said Alicia, smiling. She was smiling because she was talking to her mother as a little girl. Kid aunt Isabella was a little like Alicia, Fred thought, but she seemed to be better with people.
"Can I talk to you a second, Alicia?" said aunt Isabella. She glanced at Phineas. "In... private?"
"Only if Fred can come too!" said Alicia. "He's being me."
That was a test. Aunt Isabella was always telling Fred to just be himself, like every other adult did. Alicia had some kind of theory that adults, other than her dad of course, were naturally more uptight than kids. If aunt Isabella didn't object here, Alicia would be able to bring it up as proof for probably the rest of time.
Isabella didn't object. She just looked at him strangely. "Okay, I guess..."
"Okay!" said Alicia.
Fred and Alicia followed aunt Isabella around to the side of the house.
Once they were out of earshot, aunt Isabella closed her eyes, then burst out "Am I your mom?"
Alicia made an exaggerated shocked face. "I'm not allowed to say! I could hurt the entire space-time continuum! I could break time itself!"
"She could break every space-time continuum!" Fred put in, mimicking Alicia's expression.
Aunt Isabella put her hands on her hips. "That girl... Amanda called me "aunt Isabella". So tell me. Did Phineas marry me? Or does Ferb?"
"Uncle Ferb's not married," said Alicia, confused. Then she realised what she'd said, gasped and covered her mouth.
Aunt Isabella smirked a little. "That's all I wanted to know!" She skipped all the way back to uncle Phineas and Ferb.
"Whoa, Isabella!" uncle Phineas laughed. "What are you so happy about?"
"Nothing!" said Isabella, still smirking.
Fred hoped the future was still safe.
.
"Hey!" Alton was beginning to get hoarse. "Uncle Perry! Uncle Perry, back here!"
It was no use. The engine was too loud. Uncle Perry was never going to hear them. And the jet was so cramped that they could barely move. All they could do was wait out the journey.
Alton's foot began to go to sleep.
Finally, the plane crashed through something and came to a stop. Uncle Perry turned off the engine, opened the top, and was about to jump out of his seat when he caught site of Alton and Hal.
Hal waved. "Hi, Uncle Perry!"
Alton rolled his eyes. "This is so stupid. I can't believe how stupid you are." Maybe there were cleverer insults, but he didn't care. Hal really was being stupid.
Hal stuck his tongue out at him and laughed.
"Sorry about this, uncle Perry," said Alton. "I tried to stop him."
Uncle Perry just stared. Sometimes when he was shocked, he didn't move for a while. This seemed to be one of those times.
"What's taking so long...?" said someone. Then: "Huh?"
It was their grandpa. He looked really weird with hair.
"Grandpa!" said Hal, waving to him too. "Hi, grandpa!"
"Grandpa?" repeated their grandpa. He inspected them closely. "Uh... I don't remember ever making a mistaken-identinator..."
Hal laughed. "He's just the same!" he told Alton.
If he meant annoying, then yes, he was exactly the same. "We really are your grandkids," said Alton. "We're from the future." That was normal in the past, right? It was normal when Alton was from. "We wouldn't even be here if someone hadn't run off after uncle Perry."
Their grandpa looked kind of weirded out. "Well... okay. Is it your mother or your father who lets you dye your hair like that? It... it's a sign of hooliganism! Perry the Platypus, are you paying attention to their hair?"
"But it's not..." began Hal.
Alton hit him with his crutch. Green hair was so rare that their grandpa was sure to figure it out if he'd ever seen their dad at all. "We'll just be leaving," he said.
"No... No, wait a second," said their grandpa thoughtfully. "Maybe... Stay a while. Have a seat." He indicated a couch. "There's some kind of stain on one of the cushions... Don't ask. Trust me, just don't ask."
Hal climbed out of the jet. Gingerly, Alton followed him. They were not supposed to be there. And it was easy to forget, but their grandpa had never been a pharmacist. He'd been an evil scientist. He'd never seemed remotely evil to Alton, even now, but he was.
Alton and Hal sat, carefully avoiding the big stain.
"Okay, just wait there a second..." said their grandpa, going into another room.
They waited, staring over at uncle Perry. Uncle Perry stared over at them.
"We should leave," said Alton eventually.
"What?" said Hal. "We can't leave! Grandpa's doing something!"
Exactly why Alton wanted to leave. "Grandpa's evil! Remember?"
"He's not evil to us!"
Alton groaned. "He doesn't know us, we're in the past! Remember?" Besides, their grandfather was a lot nicer to Hal than he'd ever been to Alton.
"Oh... Oh yeah," said Hal. "I keep forgetting. But come on, Alton, he's grandpa! Grandpa's cool."
Their grandpa returned with a remote control. "Okay, now I'm ready." He pressed a button, and a cage crashed down around the couch.
Alton rolled his eyes. "See?"
"Oh, this is great!" said their grandpa, coming up close to them. "Okay, first order of business: who's gonna marry my little girl?"
"Why would we tell you that?" said Alton.
"But..." said Hal.
Alton didn't bother to hit him this time. "Hal!"
"Sorry," muttered Hal. To his grandpa, he said. "We can't tell you. We can't tell anyone who they're gonna have kids with! It's against the laws of time travel!
"Oh, I wasn't gonna tell her," said their grandpa. "Just, you know, give him a friendly warning, maybe build a stay-away-from-my-daughterinator or two..."
Hal shook his head. Alton kept glaring, alternating between Hal and his grandpa. This was so, so stupid.
"Okay," said their grandpa. "You know what? Fine. I can live without knowing for a... for a little while. Let's save that one for when we've got to know each other better. I can think of other questions. I'm like a fountain of... questions. So, who's... Who's gonna win the big game tonight?"
"What big game?" said Hal.
"You know!" said their grandpa. "The game! Who's gonna win?"
Alton and Hal looked at each other.
"I don't even know what year this is," said Alton. It was... the past? If his dad was about his age in this time, and twenty years older than him normally, then...
Hal rummaged around in his pocket. "Uh..." He pulled out his Evv. "Just tell me the sport, grandpa! I'll look it up for you!
"He can't look it up," said Alton quickly. "He thinks he's connected to the future Internet, but he's not."
Hal laughed. "I can so! I got all sports stats ever saved on here!"
"Why?" said Alton. Hal had never showed the slightest interest in anything that couldn't be exclusively viewed on a screen.
Hal shrugged. "I added a couple exabytes to it last month, and the used space bar was like this-" He put his hands close together, "and the total space bar was like this!" He stretched his arms out as far as he could. "It looked lonely."
"Ooh!" said their grandpa. "Let me see!" He reached for the Evv.
A teal blur knocked him over.
"Ow- What- Perry the Platypus?"
Alton and Hal watched. They'd seen uncle Perry hit their grandpa before, usually after he'd done something petty, but never like this.
"Wow..." said Hal. "Uncle Perry is really good at beating people up."
"Nearly as good as dad," Alton agreed.
Alton's grandpa covered his face with his hands and said "Wait wait wait wait! Wait. At least let me trap you!"
The two of them looked over at Alton and Hal.
"Oh... oh right," said their grandpa. "I already used the trap on those little green hair kids." He took out a remote and pressed a button, removing the cage. "Go on, Perry the Platypus, get in there."
Uncle Perry looked at Alton and Hal, then shrugged and joined them on the couch.
Alton's grandpa laughed and the cage slammed down again, while uncle Perry looked at Alton and Hal, obviously questioning why they hadn't moved.
"We get kidnapped all the time," said Alton. "We don't care, right Hal?"
Hal nodded.
"Dad usually comes save... Hey, what was that for?"
Hal had kicked him on the shin. "Grandpa!" he said.
Their grandpa was staring at them with a wide grin on his face.
Alton felt like an idiot. He shouldn't have even mentioned the getting kidnapped part, let alone how their dad fit into it. He'd never be any good at this secret agent stuff, even discounting his legs.
Their grandpa waited for a few seconds, then scowled when he realised that Alton wasn't going to say anything more. "Fine, well, as long as Perry the Platypus is trapped, I might as well explain my plan. You see, when I was a little boy back in Gimmelschtump..."
Alton rolled his eyes again. He'd thought his grandfather told all those boring stories about his childhood because he was old, but this past version still had hair. He wasn't very old at all, for an adult.
Grandpa was still talking. "...And you know who got all the attention? All the love?"
It wasn't a real question, but Hal answered anyway. "Uncle Roger!"
Their grandpa looked taken aback. "Uh... yes, that's... that's right. How did you know that?"
"You told me!" said Hal. He was far more excited than he should have been. "Is this about the time you broke your leg?"
"Ye... Yes..." said their grandpa.
Hal and his encyclopaedic knowledge of grandpa's stories.
"Anyway, like he said, Perry the Platypus, one day I broke my leg. It was all twisted like..." he made a spiral motion with his hand "...but what did did my mother say? 'Not now, Heinz.' 'Can't you see I'm busy, Heinz.' 'Why can't you be more like your brother, Heinz.' And then she and Roger went out for lunch! I had to walk ten miles to the doctor on my own! On a broken leg!"
That did sound painful. Alton broken his ankle once, and it had really hurt for the hour it had taken to get it fixed. Even walking on crutches like normal had hurt too much. He'd ended up having to use his wheelchair.
His grandpa was still talking. Still. "Behold! The Parent-Ignorinator!"
Uncle Perry narrowed his eyes.
"Now every child in the Tri-State Area will feel my pain! You... you know, the pain of being ignored by their parents, not the pain of walking for ten miles on a broken leg. I'm not that evil." He walked over to some giant ray gun that looked like every other giant ray gun Alton had ever seen, and pressed a button. "Oops! My finger slipped!"
He smirked.