Again, no excuse for a lack of updating but I'm out to try and amend it. That's my New Years Resolution. So just bear with me as I try to get myself out of this funk I've been in for months on end. Disclaimer: I do not own Umineko otherwise the parody stuff I'm doing would've been in the extras.

Reviewers Response:

OhMyGeePinkSucksAss: Yes, it was a Drake and Josh reference. I wondered how many would get that.

Pheoniix: Oh damn, maybe I should put a warning saying that dying from this story is possible.

Bokmal14: Thank you!

demon windy: Yes, with spin the bottle, someone's gonna be screwed over.

orangpumpkins: It's just because you said that that I'm updating

~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~

Kanon was still cringing at the events that had transpired the previous day. He felt like no matter how hard he scrubbed his mouth with toothpaste, soap, soda, and anchovy paste (don't ask) the feeling of that damned chef's lips would never leave. Now the teenager understood how girls felt when they said they were 'damaged goods'. That was invasive and nasty! Kanon was considering suing but his employers forbade it.

"It's all a conspiracy. C-o-n-" Kanon muttered before he paused, realizing he couldn't spell it, "-spiracy. Sadists. All of them."

"Quite done now, Yoshiya?" a voice came out of nowhere.

"Holy shit!" the boy cried in surprise. He spun around and put himself in a karate position. This was met by a chuckle from Kumasawa. The old woman covered her mouth as she poorly attempted to cover her snickering, "Chiyo-oba-ba (1), are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"Kid if I'm not getting one, you definitely aren't having one," Kumasawa responded, "I know you had a bad experience."

"Try scarred for life."

"But it has brought up an interesting subject that I think needs to be addressed," the old woman told him, "I think it's time we had…the talk."

It was appropriate since Kanon was an orphan. Kumasawa had always served as his mother. However, that was the last thing Kanon wanted to do. He had only turned on his heels when the mackerel-obsessed woman grabbed his hood, "Now, Yoshiya-kun."

"Oh dear god…NOOOOOOOOOO!"

The other people within the mansion heard the cry however, they found it chilling when it went silent shortly after.

~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~

Kanon was locked up in a room more secure than the closed rooms Beatrice created. He was tied down with ropes to a chair. The teenager hadn't stopped struggling ever since he was put in his confines, "Uh, Chiyo-oba-ba, this really isn't necessary…I'm serious. I think I know-"

"You think you know but you don't, Yoshiya," Genji told him as he sat in a chair across from him, "but I think it's time we had the talk about the bird and the bees…You see when a man loves a woman, he realizes many things about her. It may be her laughter or personality. But!"

The teenager was internally flinching at the 'but' and what it entailed. He always considered Genji as his dad. Yet he seemed less so as he rounded Kumasawa. Goosebumps went down the boy's skin as he noted his surrogate father moving—almost stalking towards the woman's backside, "Most of all, you notice the—"

"Kukuku, oh my." Kanon's face turned to sheer disgust, even sticking out his tongue wishing he could unsee what he saw. There was Genji groping Kuwasawa's ass, "anatomy of a woman!"

"God, I get it! Just stop doing old people love! It's gross!" Kanon cried.

"We haven't even got to that part, Yoshiya-kun, but since you're so eager…" the housekeeper responded as she pulled out a VHS, "we'll get straight to it."

Any one from outside the room could hear, "NO! NO! NOOOO! KILL ME NOW! OH GOD! THAT'S HORRIBLE! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Hideyoshi happened to be walking by with his brother-in-law coming from the other side. The man turned to the blonde-haired man, "Krauss-onii-san, what are you doing to the poor boy? Tearing out his fingernails?"

"No…but I think Genji and Kuwasawa are having the TALK with Kanon-kun," both looked at the closed room where there were agonized cries. Their head hung in mourning FOR the youth and at the same time uttered, "Poor soul…"

~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~

(Hours Later)

The two adults turned off the television, "So do you get it now, Yoshiya-kun?"

"I didn't know women could bleed there…" the male responded as he swayed back and forth. His eyes were wide and twitching, "And the baby…Ah, god…so much blood…and screaming…"

"And that was only one of them. Would like to see an—"

"No! No more! No more please, I beg!" Yoshiya was in tears and rocking in the chair, "Just make the scary sex talk go away, make the scary sex talk go away!"

Kumasawa whispered to Genji, "He won't be on any girl anytime soon."

"Good, leaves us time to prepare."

Poor Kanon…

~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~

Don't ask what was going on in my head because quite frankly, I don't even know what was up with me.

Authoress Notes:

1) oba-ba: a very informal way to say grandmother. Commonly translated as "old lady" or "granny."