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- JayBee
BPOV
I lay in the hospital bed, completely drained and beyond worried. I looked toward the door for what seemed like a lifetime before the door silently clicked open and Edward slipped in before closing the door behind him.
I sat up quickly. "How is she?"
"She's…okay."
"Edward." He was lying. They took her away so quickly after she had come into this world that I'd literally gotten just a peek of her.
"They said she still can't breathe." His voice cracked on the last word, and I forced myself to prevent my chin from quivering. He sat in a chair next to me and took my hand in his. "She's so tiny. Just four pounds and…eighteen inches long. She looks so helpless. I'm sorry, Bella. It's my fault." I shook my head. How was it his fault? This wasn't anybody's fault. He nodded and dropped his head. "It is. The doctor said there's a…possibility that the baby arrived early because of…sexual activities. I'm sorry."
I squeezed his hand, my heart dropping into my stomach at the site of his tears hitting the floor, his head hanging low. "Just because it's a possibility doesn't mean it's the cause. And it takes two people to have sex, Edward."
"But you weren't the one who wanted to have anal. I kept you in that position for too long…and…and…I don't know." He looked up at me, his eyes rimmed in red, tears rolling down his cheeks. He brought a hand up to cradle my face, and I hadn't realized I was crying until he wiped away my tears. The corners of his mouth pulled up in a small smile, making me smile in return. "But she'll be fine."
I nodded slowly. "She will be. And even if she was born prematurely, that's not why…this happened." She couldn't breathe because the umbilical cord had been wrapped around her neck before she had come out. That had nothing to do with her being born early.
Edward's smile grew wider. "God, baby. You should see her. She looks just like you. Grey eyes, barely-there hair, and she has the most adorable smile. And even with all the tubes hooked up to her, she still kicks around."
My heart warmed as I listened to Edward talk about our daughter.
I felt my eyelids drooping as he continued talking, and they fell completely closed when he kissed my forehead. I felt the effect of the drugs they'd given me, and I was drifting off to sleep. They'd drugged me up more than usual because I had a C-Section – I wasn't dilated enough to give birth naturally.
When I woke up, Edward's parents and my dad were in the room.
"Hi, dad," I croaked. I waved weakly at Mr. and Mrs. Cullen and smiled, not up for much else.
"Hey. How are you feeling?" He came over and ran a hand through my hair.
"Okay. How is she?" I stifled a yawn and
"She's beautiful."
I turned my head at Edward's soft voice, and my heart dropped. "Oh, my God," I whispered excitedly. Edward was sitting next to me, cradling the baby in his arms, beaming as he looked up at me.
I held my arms out as Edward stood up and handed her over to me. "Hi," I cooed as I looked down at her. "I'm your mommy." She was sleeping, but that didn't matter. I had to speak to her. "She's so tiny," I whispered as I looked up at Edward.
He ran a hand through my hair as he stood above me. "I know. But she's fine now. They need to keep the one tube in her nose until we leave in a few days, just to help with the oxygen flow. But she's fine."
My heart warmed at the mention of "we." He was going to stay here with the baby and me.
I almost smacked myself in the head. Of course he's going to stay with us. He said he had called into work earlier and taken some time off.
I looked up as Mrs. Cullen stood from her seat. "We'll leave you all alone."
"No, you can stay. Please." I didn't want them to think they had to leave.
"It's fine, Bella," she smiled sincerely. "We'll be downstairs with Alice and Emmett." They all left, leaving the three of us alone in the silent room.
Looking down at the baby as Edward continued running a hand through my hair, I felt a sudden surge of affection. It was so overwhelming, almost too much to bear. I'd never felt a love like this, and I knew that I'd never feel a love like this again.
My vision blurred as I realized that in this moment, I didn't care about anything or anyone else. The only people of any importance to me were this little baby in my arms and the man with his hand in my hair. I sniffled a bit and Edward quickly pulled a chair close beside me.
I gave him a small smile. "I'm fine. It's just…"
"This is a lot to take in?"
"Yeah." I looked back down at the bundled miracle in my arms. "I can't believe she's here."
"I know. I can't get over how beautiful she is."
"Neither can I. She looks exactly like you."
He placed his hand over her beanie-covered head. "No, babe. Considering how beautiful she is, she looks exactly like you." My heart fluttered as he leaned in to kiss my forehead.
"We still haven't thought of a name."
"I thought we'd decided on Renee."
"Edward…Thank you, but I really feel guilty naming her that."
"Bells, I promise you, my mom won't care. She'd be happy we named her that."
"No…" My voice was small. I didn't want him to think I was arguing with him. I looked down at the baby, touched that Edward was so adamant about naming her after my mother. I'd love to name her Renee, but I'd always feel that it wasn't fair for Mrs. Cullen.
"I think –"
There was a knock on the door before a middle-aged nurse walked in. "How are you two holding up?"
"Fine," Edward said thickly. I turned to look up at him and he quickly turned away, running a hand over his eyes.
"Great," The nurse said sweetly. "Are you ready to try to nurse, dear?"
I nodded slowly, unsure. "I don't want to do it wrong."
"Oh, no worries." She waved her hand, trying to put me at ease. "That's what I'm here for."
Edward moved back as the nurse made her way over to the bed. The baby woke up when the nurse picked her up, and she showed me how to hold and nurse the baby. It took a few minutes, but finally, she began nursing.
"Ah…that…kind of hurts," I gasped softly.
"Oh, honey, you'll get used to it." The nurse chuckled as she made sure we were situated and let me know how often to feed the baby before leaving us in silence.
Edward pulled his chair forward and watched the baby intently.
She fell asleep, her mouth slowing to a stop. I moved my breast a bit and she woke up, resuming.
Edward let out a soft chuckle and looked up at me when I turned my head to him. "She's funny."
"She is," I beamed. We sat in silence until she finished nursing.
"Can I hold her?" Edward whispered.
"Of course." He cradled her in his arms, tears welling up in his eyes. "What were you going to say before? About a name?"
"Oh." He looked up at me. "I was going to say I also thought of the name Lily. It's pretty."
I wondered why he'd never shared this with me, but it didn't matter. One look at the baby, and I knew. "I think it's pretty, too."
"Yeah?"
"It's perfect."
"And she's perfect."
I looked at him warily and smiled, making him cock an eyebrow in response. "What?"
"I've never seen you like this."
He shrugged, his signature smirk splaying across his face. "I've never felt like this."
"You're so…quiet. You've barely spoken the entire time we were here. And…I don't know…I can practically see the love oozing from your pores." He blushed then, making me gush even more. "Do you know how adorable you look holding her?"
He put the baby in the hospital's bassinet and came over to me slowly. He leaned down to kiss me lightly on the lips and rested his forehead against mine, cradling my face in his hand. "Do you know how perfect you are? I love you so much, Isabella. So much."
"I love you, too," I whispered.
"And I'm so proud of you," he murmured as he leaned in again to kiss me.
He sat back down, and we watched her in the bassinet, laughing because she was kicking non-stop. "So," I turned toward Edward. "Lily?"
He nodded, smiling. "The more I hear it, the more I love it."
"Me, too." The more I heard either of us say the name, the more I realized that no other name was as beautiful or perfect.
"But, if we name her Lily, then I have a favor to ask."
I raised an eyebrow. "I'm listening."
"I want her middle name to be Renee."
He seemed on edge, and relaxed when he saw my smile. "Renee Esme."
"What?"
"Her middle name…s. Renee Esme. You once said that we could share your mom. She's my mom, too." Even before she legally became my mother-in-law, Edward's mom had always been like my own mom.
"Then why do you still call her Mrs. Cullen?" He smirked.
I rolled my eyes. Smart-ass. "Because that's what I've been calling her since I was a kid."
"Lily Renee Esme Cullen." He smiled from ear to ear. "I love it."
"So do I." It was perfect.
"So that's it? We've decided?"
"Yupp."
"Wow," he whispered as he looked over at her.
"I know." I didn't ask what he meant. I knew. I felt the same way, and it was hard to explain. I felt…euphoric. I'd never felt this happy and at peace. The only thing that was keeping me from being completely happy was the same thing as always – my mom wasn't here. But now she would always be remembered. Of course I would never forget her, but I would've never been able to bring myself to name my daughter after my mother if Edward hadn't suggested it.
"It feels weird thinking of her as 'Lily.' I keep thinking of her as 'the baby.'"
"Well, get used to it, daddy."
Edward's head lolled back as he groaned. "That sounds so weird. I can't imagine anyone calling me that."
"You want her to call you Edward?"
He sat up straight and smirked. "No. I like being a dad. I don't know why people complain about this. This is easy."
We'd only been taking care of the baby for a couple of hours.
These drugs they'd given me must be working well. I felt my eyelids drooping once more. I closed my eyes and smiled. "Is there a hockey game on tonight?"
"Yeah. Toronto against Philly."
"Wake me up when it begins?" I mumbled.
"No problem."
"Bells…" I heard Edward groan into his pillow. I heard Lily's cries from her room on the other end of the hallway and wished this to be a dream. My wishes diminished as soon as they had surfaced. Edward nudged my side. "Lily's crying."
"I got up the last two times," I mumbled. "It's your turn. I pumped two bottles worth of milk."
Lily was three weeks old, and I groaned internally at the thought of doing this every single day for a couple of years.
Then I smiled at the thought. If I had to, I would do this for the rest of my life. I loved her more than anything. She'd changed so much in the past couple of weeks. Her eyes were already changing color – they were currently a greenish-grey – she'd gone completely bald and her hair had grown back in, and she had gained weight.
I sighed happily as I opened my eyes to watch Edward. He pushed himself out of bed and pulled on a pair of boxer-briefs before walking down the hall.
I turned onto my back and listened to him cooing as he spoke to Lily. "Aw, why are you crying, baby? Are you hungry?" I loved that he called her baby out of love – not because she was a baby.
She stopped crying for a few seconds and then resumed as Edward shushed her quietly. Her cries were cut short with what I assumed was her bottle. I smiled at the thought of Edward holding her as he fed her the bottle. My smile grew when I heard him singing Hush Little Baby completely off key.
Sleep had completely evaded me as I listened to Edward talk to Lily. He had completely passed my expectations as a father - and my expectations were pretty damn high.
"Do you know how much I love you, Lily? More than the whole world."
"Eh."
I laughed lightly at her small grunt.
"More than the universe. More than I love food. And you know who else loves you? Mommy. She loves you so much. And we will always love you." I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat as I listened to him. "And we'll always be here for you. Even when you turn thirteen and tell me you hate me and that I'm ruining your life, I'll be here for you. And I'll be here for Mommy. Always." I threw back the covers and padded down the dim hallway, the only light coming from Lily's night-light. I leaned against her door jamb and watched them. Edward didn't notice my presence as he lowered Lily into her crib and placed his hand on top of her head, stroking her hair. When he spoke again, his voice was thicker than usual. "But once, I left her for four months. And it still kills me inside to think about it every day." He shook his head, still looking down at her. "That was a mistake, though. I would never leave either of you. And you can't ever forget that, okay?"
He sat down in front of the crib and watched her through the bars, his back to me. "And sometimes daddy wishes mommy had punished him for leaving her like that. Or for ever getting into those stupid drugs. I would tell you to never do drugs, but I know you won't. I can already tell you're too smart to even think about doing those things. But if you ever fall into anything bad, you have to tell us, okay? You can't be afraid to tell us. We won't get mad at you, I promise. So many times I wanted to tell mommy what was going on, but I was afraid. But I shouldn't have been, because she never judged. Of course she was shocked, but instead of punishing me like she should have, you know what she did, Lily?" His voice cracked, and I felt my heart break. "She just accepted me and helped me through it, even though she was scared. So if you have any problems, you have to let us know so we can help you."
I walked toward them and sat down in front of Edward as he looked at me warily. I smiled at him before turning toward Lily, who was sound asleep. "Mommy made some big mistakes, too. And you know what daddy did? He forgave her like she didn't break his heart. And if you're always honest with us, I promise you that we'll forgive you for your mistakes."
Edward turned to me, a pained look on his face. "I don't want her to make any mistakes," he whispered.
"She's going to. She has to, so she can learn from them."
"How much of this did you hear?"
I scooted toward him and he pulled me close, my back against his chest. "All of it."
"Oh."
"I love you so much, Edward."
"I love you, too."
"And I would never punish you for something that serious."
"I know," he murmured into my hair. "But I deserved to be punished. I still do."
"I don't want to hear you say things like that." Didn't he know how much it ate me up inside to hear him say that?
He looked up at the clock and sighed. "I have to be up for work in two hours."
I stood and pulled Edward up with me. If he didn't want to talk about it now, that was fine. This was something that neither of us would ever forget, and when we talked about it again, I had to let him know that he didn't deserve to be punished, and he never left me.
We lay down in bed and he pulled the covers over us before pulling me to his chest.
He tightened his arm around me. "Good night, love."
I hummed in appreciation, reveling in the feel of his warm body against mine. "Good night."
Yay, Lily is here! I was going to name her Renesme, but honestly, I don't like that name. So Lily Renee Eseme Cullen it is. :)
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