Mikau: Okay. Here we go: chapter as promised. It's probably going to be two or three weeks before I can get the next one out, though. Sorry in advance for leaving you hanging. I just don't have any time or volition to write lately. :/ But I'm really glad you guys are enjoying this. Thanks a bunch to the reviewers from last time: Eve Of The Stars, Loner Kid, Opal Spirit, DetectivePandaThief, and MissingJigsaw!
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd do more holiday specials. I know there are some every year, but Japan has so many great festivals and holidays; it would be nice if we could incorporate more.
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Chapter Five: Hakuba - Hypothetically
Tonight we're playing "Go Fish", but Kuroba doesn't like the name, so we say "Fuzzy Bunnies" instead…for God knows what reason. I don't pretend to understand how Kuroba's mind works… But whereas he can say "Fuzzy Bunnies" with a straight face, I struggle comically, and I think he enjoys watching my suffering.
"Do you have any threes?" he asks for a fifth time.
I don't, so I have to say "Fuzzy Bunnies". As he laughs at me openly. The worst part is, I don't believe for a second that he has any threes either.
"Last night," I begin, and Kuroba stiffens, afraid of where this is going. "…You happened to mention that I was the only human you've talked to about these things."
Kuroba visibly relaxes, setting down a pair of fives thanks to the card he's just drawn.
"Does that mean there are other fey that you talk to? I mean…you have fey relatives or friends that…?" I bite my lip, not sure if I'm allowed to ask.
He looks up at me, blinks, and gives a little chuckle. "Do you have any Queens?"
I hand over the Queen of Hearts begrudgingly, unsure if it's better to part with the card or to have to say "Fuzzy Bunnies" one more time.
He grins and reports, "I was talking about my family's friends, the Kudos. Their son Shinichi is our age, and mostly I talk to him, since his parents are always traveling, trying to hide the fact that most fey don't really age after thirty. Sometimes, when they're in town, they take me to fey community functions, but…I'm kind of a fey outcast, so…"
He looks down at his hand and pretends to be studying the cards, plotting his next move.
He doesn't fool me because "Go Fish" isn't really much of a strategy game.
Meanwhile, I can't help but wonder aloud at his being a fey outcast. "Why? Because of the type of fey you are, or…?"
He shakes his head and looks up at me, smiling sheepishly. "It doesn't matter to them that I'm just as strong as a full-blood. I'm only a half, so I'm not really one of them…. You know what that's like, don't you?"
I do, and my heart lurches, breaks for him. I know the pain of not belonging in either place you're supposed to feel at home. My whole life, I've never been British or Japanese enough for either of my "homelands" to claim me. The English see me as Asian, and to the Japanese too I'm an exotic foreigner. I know exactly what he means, how he feels, and I want to reach out and embrace him.
He chuckles and moves on before I can form the words to communicate how much I understand.
"Anyway, the Kudos were a big help…when they were in town, anyway. It was about a year after I first started changing when I met them. It was like a light at the end of the tunnel of that hellish first year trying to figure things out on my own. They explained some things to me, and Auntie Yukiko—"
He stops suddenly, and his cheeks turn peach. He makes a show of rearranging his cards while he restructures his thoughts, trying to determine how much exactly he wants to share with me.
"Auntie Yukiko taught me lots of stuff too, but…like I said, they're not around much. They weren't like mentors to me or anything. They kind of just taught me enough to keep me from giving into my shame and despair and killing myself, but Shinichi's really the one that's stuck by me and—and really helped me, so…" he lets out in one breath, flustered and nervous, worried about what I'm going to say, what I'll think of him.
It's apparent he's never shared his feelings about any of this before, and he's just dying in suspense, wondering if I'm going to reject him now that I know that he's broken.
I set down my cards and reach out to him, resting my hand solidly on his shoulder.
"Kuroba," I start softly. "I've been there too, so don't worry, okay? I'm not going to judge you. You've had to go through some terrible rubbish, and I understand because I've dealt with my own sucky hand as well."
His eyes widen, and he leans in, like he's about to tell me some terrible secret. In a low voice he whispers, "I…Auntie Yukiko…is a succubus. W-What do you think of that?"
I blink, not comprehending what this has to do with Kuroba's and my own past sufferings…but he's shaking, biting his lip, and holding his breath, waiting for my reply.
I respond honestly in my surprise, "Succubae…really exist?"
He shifts uncomfortably, still waiting for my reaction. "Y-Yeah."
"And they…" I search my mind for every fact I've ever known about succubae. "They really do feed on…on…"
He gulps and says it for me, "S-Sexual energy…yeah."
"Oh." I shift on the couch, my thoughts going back to the feelings Kuroba inspired in me the night before. "That's…" I try to string together words, but I'm suddenly painfully aware of Kuroba sitting next to me. Remembering the way he made me feel…I'm hot and my pants are too tight.
As if picking up on my thoughts, Kuroba winces. "Isn't it gross?"
His harsh, judgmental words jar me.
"Not necessarily," I reply softly. "Maybe…it's a little icky from a normal human being perspective, but…for succubae, that's the way life works."
"You don't think it's wrong?" Kuroba tentatively asks.
"I…don't think you can judge fey behavior from a human point of view. I certainly think being preyed upon by a succubus would be a horribly disgusting experience akin to rape—"
He flinches, as if feeling my words as a personal condemnation.
"—but for the succubus, it's no more wrong than a human eating veal. She needs to feed to survive, doesn't she?" I present the question for him to think about.
He considers and finally replies quietly, "She does."
"The real question is how her mate keeps up with her," I snort softly. "Though…I don't suppose creatures like that are monogamous."
"They can be," Kuroba retorts…sounding personally offended for some reason. "It's…difficult when it's a full-blood and a human…then they need donors, and that's not their fault, but…a half-blood could survive and be faithful to one mate."
I nod, knowing that I'm missing something. I don't dare question him. "Okay."
"But…" Kuroba's expression twists in conflict, and he bites his bottom lip.
I want to bite his bottom lip too. And at the same time I wish I could stop having these kinds of thought about my friend.
"What if… What if the succubus was a half-blood and didn't have to sleep with people to survive. What if she's human enough to survive on regular food, but she still has her succubus urges that she…that she acts on? Is that…wrong?" He swallows hard, looking down and away.
And now I get that this is about Kuroba himself. Kuroba is the "succubus" in this example. Kuroba can survive just fine without feeding off of humans, but he still has the urge to feed from his fey blood. He feels guilty because he was raised as a human with human morals and social mores. He wouldn't think twice about feeding off of human blood or chi or whatever it is his species eats if he had been raised as a fey. As things stand, his human half condemns his fey urges.
"Kuroba, humans have no business judging fey. I think that the succubus shouldn't be too hard on herself. It's not wrong for her to have those urges. It's perfectly natural even. I think she needs to consult her own conscience before acting on the urges, but she also needs to accept the fey part of who she is. She shouldn't think of herself as a slut, and she shouldn't think of herself as a monster. She is what she is, and she should judge for herself what is right. She can't change who she is, so she needs to learn to accept it and make peace with it so that she can live a life she's proud of," I encourage, hoping that I reach him. "Don't you think?"
But Kuroba is lost in thought, considering my words.
I let him sit and think for a few minutes. He looks troubled, like he needs to mentally sort things out and reevaluate his decisions and beliefs.
"Does that help you at all, Kuroba?" I gently break into his thoughts, pulling him back to the present after a sizeable pause in conversation has elapsed.
He jumps but then comes to quickly enough. "M-Maybe. Thanks. I like the way you think about things," he quietly admits, but his expression is still one of unease. "I really have been thinking about things only from a human perspective, and that might not be the right way to go about it."
I purse my lips, knowing my words could backfire on me even before I speak. "Kuroba, what is it exactly that you feed on? Blood? Life force? Fear? Or is that too personal a question to ask a fey?"
Kuroba gives a start and looks decidedly offended mixed with disgust. "Nothing! I've never fed on anyone! I eat food," he insists vehemently, cheeks burning like a bonfire. "And I'm a vegetarian, so—so…"
I hold up my hands in an appeasing gesture. "All right. I'm sorry. It was rude of me. Forgive me, Kuroba," I entreat. "…But…" I bite my lip, unsure if I should offer again. He declined the other time I asked over a month ago, but…maybe now that we know each other a little better and he trusts me a little more…
"Kuroba, if you're struggling with fey urges to feed, I'd like to help you. You said that humans sometimes offer themselves as donors, so… Feel free to feed off of me when you need to," I propose.
Kuroba's eyes widen, and something like fear mixed with desire and shame takes over his face. "You have no idea what you're promising me."
I shrug. "Well, explain it to me, then, and once I understand, I'll offer my services again."
I've hurt him. Pain smears across his face like mud.
"You wouldn't," he whispers. "You wouldn't let me near you again if you knew what I really was."
"Kuroba," I call softly, ready to soothe and reassure.
"No!" he cuts me off, getting to his feet and backing away. "You wouldn't."
He looks frightened and lonely. The look on his face says that he hates himself and he's afraid that I'm going to hate him too.
"Kuroba," I try to reason with him, standing up as well.
"No!" he cries again and turns to leave. "I have to go. Don't follow me, and never bring up feeding again. Please!" he shouts back at me as he rushes off, through the door, out onto the balcony, and down the oak tree outside my window.
And he doesn't come back to visit at night for a whole week after that. We still sit together at lunch, and he acts like nothing has happened between us, but I feel like I've been cut off from him all the same.
And I want him back.
Desperately.