Act 1, Scene 17

Two armed hoods burst into a shop. A woman screams. The shopkeeper puts his hands in the air, terrified. Everything is exaggerated with the sheen of extremely bad acting in this scene – the hoods are excessively dramatic with their guns and the woman's scream is your classic horror movie hysterical woman screech.

DRAMATIC VOICE-OVER: New…York…City.

HOOD #1: Gimme the money or you die, citizen!

SHOPKEEPER: You'll pay for this, hoodlum!

Outside, we glimpse a flash of blue and red.

DRAMATIC VOICE-OVER: My City…

HOOD #2: (pointing)Look!

SHOPKEEPER: Justice comes on swift wings.

In comes 'Spiderman'…but as we've never seen him before – namely, swinging on wires. He lands slightly awkwardly and stares at the two hoodlums, who (rather than simply shooting him) stare back, frozen in an 'oh no!' kinda way.

SPIDER-GUY: Surrender now, or face the consequences.

HOOD #1: Never!

They rush Spiderman (again, puzzlingly ignoring their guns) and there follows the most hilariously unconvincing fight sequence in history. Punches miss by acres. Blows are overblown. Kicks are telegraphed so far in advance that some cave paintings contained reviews of them. We finish on the two hoods lying defeated on the ground, and 'Spiderman' standing above them with his foot resting on their unconscious bodies. The hysterical woman throws her arms around Spiderman.

WOMAN: Oh, my hero…

Spiderman extricates himself and cups her cheek with his hand.

SPIDER-GUY: Sorry ma'am, but I belong to the city.

He turns to address the camera (we now see the camera and the camera crew, and indeed the entire shop set, just in case we were in any doubt of this all being phony).

SPIDER-GUY: And when I'm fighting crime, there's nothing better to quench my thirst for justice than an ice-cold Pepsi.

He holds up a Pepsi can.

DIRECTOR: …and cut!

Bob takes off his spider mask.

BOB: You know all that 'I belong to the city' stuff was just me playing the role, right hun?

WOMAN: Yeah? Well so was me draping myself over you, hero.

She lights up a cigarette and walks away. Bob stares after her wistfully and a little sadly (we get the impression that Bob's not having quite the sexual success he envisioned with this suit, which might be to do with the fact that he's a small, balding man who's not exactly endowed with movie-star looks), before he's accosted by the director.

We cut to Peter watching the whole scene from the sidelines. To say his expression was comical would be to greatly understate matters. He's utterly and completely flabbergasted by what he's just witnessed.

LYNAS: (whispering) Yikes. Let's just grab the publicity shots and get outta here.

PETER: But…it's a commercial.

LYNAS: Yeah, it's a trailblazer I hope. Oh sure the quality is abominable, but it's presenting Spiderman as a hero, and that's a step in the right direction.

PETER: But no-one asked him.

LYNAS: (laughs) Not like he publishes his cellphone number, Peter. Not like he can sue either. I wouldn't have involved the Sentinel but as I say at least it shows him in a positive light.

PETER: I suppose so…

Bob wanders over to them and stops at water-cooler to fill a plastic cup. Peter can't help but stare at him. It would be hard to look less like a superhero than Bob.

PETER: How did you get the job?

BOB: I had my own suit.

PETER: Right.

DIRECTOR: Bob! Get your worthless ass over here!

BOB: (aside, to Peter and Lynas) Guy's a complete jerk. Coming…

Bob obediently trots over. N.B. the megalomaniac director is being played by Sam Raimi.

LYNAS: Shame in one way for him. Pepsi were willing to stump up 250 grand for this endorsement, but who do they pay it to? Besides, would Spiderman even take it? What does he need money for, right?

Someone calls him over and he walks off, leaving Peter to stare into empty space.

PETER: Aunt May…