Mikau: Hello everyone! Long time no see. ^.^; Thank you very much for your patience and understanding as you waited for me to update, and thank you for coming back to read this series after so long. Thank you as well to all of you joining us for the first time. I'm delighted that you've chosen to give this story a try. I'm coming back from a mental health hiatus and attempting to finish/work on some of my older stories that have been on hold for a while. I actually have five chapters of this fic completed that just need to be edited and posted, so I plan to at least do that much, but hopefully I'll be slowly but steadily completing this series over the next few months. At the same time, the majority of my free time lately has been devoted to playing Persona 5, so I don't expect progress to be speedy, but I'll do my best. Thank you in advance for supporting this work! I hope you enjoy the chapter.
Special thanks to all of the reviewers from last chapter: Loner Kid, Opal Spirit, DetectivePandaThief, Sigery97, Aniki-xvi, Purrloin77, GreenDrkness, Hellfire000, HuntressXHunter, EverThePhantom, and Guest!
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd never be able to make my deadlines, and my editor would constantly have to hunt me down. ^.^; I'm trying to be more consistent, but it doesn't appear to be working.
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Chapter Six: Kaito – Declaration
"He asked me what type of fey I am," I whisper to Conan as he sips contentedly at his iced coffee.
Conan's a cutie. He's got all the dreary, charmless snark of Shinichi packed into an adorable, compact package that I can pick up and snuggle.
Today we're meeting at Poirot to discuss recent developments in my relationship with Saguru—yes, he's "Saguru" in my head now—and Conan is infinitely more reassuring and comforting (at least to look at) than gloomy, death-and-doom Shinichi.
The shrunken detective releases his straw reluctantly and wearily replies, "Well, why don't you tell him? People like us are all the rage lately. Everybody wants a sparkly, vampire boyfriend nowadays, so why should Hakuba turn his nose up at you?" he sighs, and I wonder if he's taking this seriously.
"I bet you'd be really popular if word got out," he continues in the same bland tone he always uses, so it's hard to tell if he's joking or not. "You could have your own series—Life and Escapades of a Teenage Incubus. You're like a cross between that Cullen guy and…whatever that kinky sex god's name was…from Fifty Shades of—"
"—No!" I yelp, unable to take any more of his callousness as I lurch forward to cover his mouth. "Shin-chan, this isn't a joke!"
I come to him for help, and he mocks me?
"I'm seriously in a bind here," I whine softly, releasing him and sinking back into the poorly-padded cushion of the bench seat. I grab my milkshake and take a sullen sip.
"Kaito…" Conan calls me gently as he levels his solemn, unwavering gaze at me. "You should just tell him. He's accepted you even after all that happened at first, so it's not like he's going to freak and shut you out of his life at this point over your species."
I stare unseeingly down into my glass of chocolate sludge for a minute before shifting my gaze listlessly out the window. "How can you be so sure?"
How can he know when even I'm not positive?
"Because I've seen you two together," Conan reports coolly, going back to the iced coffee.
My head jerks back around to face him. "Huh?! When?!" I demand. I haven't noticed his presence, but…
"In his bedroom," he tells me, still as nonchalant as ever. "I come and watch you two sometimes to keep an eye on how things are going, so that I know if I need to reap his soul. I've seen you two together, and that's how I know how curious he is about you…and that he means well." Shinichi begrudgingly admits the last part, but the bit about creeping on me, he readily confesses.
My face fries like an ant under a magnifying glass. I feel embarrassed and violated and happy and kind of ticked all at once. Shin-chan has probably seen things I wouldn't want him to, and the mere thought of that makes me cringe. And yet, I'm glad that he thinks Saguru would accept me as an incubus based on his observations, but then who does he think he is snooping on me without my permission?! It's not like I'm his girlfriend or anything. He doesn't need to keep tabs on me like a controlling husband.
"Kaito, generally people don't give permission for others to snoop on them, and I keep tabs on you because you're a hopeless moron…whom I just so happen to care about," Conan sighs…because apparently I've been muttering under my breath to myself all the things I hadn't really intended for him to hear.
I grumble sulkily about eavesdropping detectives.
"Is it really eavesdropping if you say it out loud in my presence?" Shinichi wonders.
I roll my eyes and grab my milkshake, sucking at it greedily as I look back out the window. Today isn't going as I had planned it…. Life isn't going as I had planned it.
"Kaito?" Conan calls me back into the present moment softly after giving me a minute alone with my thoughts. "You said there was something really important you wanted to discuss with me?"
I purse my lips, and my gaze slides down into my glass yet again. I nod. "Well…my species wasn't the only thing that he asked about." I try to piece together the right words in my head before continuing deliberately. "He…asked to be my donor again."
Conan's eyes widen. He sets down his coffee and studies me. I feel his icy blue eyes giving my face frostbite from the intensity of his scrutiny. "…And how do you feel about that?"
I begin to fidget in my seat. "Scared," I choke.
"Yeah, but…you want to, don't you? …Be with him, I mean." His voice is level, not giving anything away, but I wonder what Shinichi really thinks and feels about all of this.
Part of me wants him to claim me right here and now, drag me home with him, and pound me down into the mattress until there's no question about whom I belong to. …But part of me wants to try to live a normal human life with Saguru.
I gulp as I meet his gaze. "Y-Yeah. I…like him. He gets me, and…I feel at ease with him."
Shinichi surprises me by adding, "And he's good for you."
I blink and cock my head to the side.
"He tells you you're okay the way you are, and you seem to listen to him," Conan elaborated with a half-hearted shrug. "He's been a good influence on you. I mean, nowadays you seem to hate yourself less, and…I like that. I'm glad he's getting through to you and making you feel better about yourself. I…" His mouth and nose twist into a frown of sorts. "I'm sort of irked that it's not me making you like yourself more, but…I'm glad that it's happening, and I think you and Hakuba should keep being friends."
"But do you really think I should tell him about the whole incubus thing and let him be my donor if he doesn't run screaming first?" I press anxiously, wanting him to say both yes and no at the same time. I don't know what I really want.
Conan nods. "I think I get it now. At least a little anyway. You've always been obsessed with the human part of yourself, acting like you had to prove you were a human. So what you need is for another human to affirm that. You need Hakuba to learn the whole truth and still accept you despite it all. Does that sound right?"
I bite my lip and shrug, shaking my head. "I don't know. It's not like this is something I'm consciously doing."
Conan nods again, accepting my answer. "Well, it seems to me that that's the way things are, so I think telling him and then together proving that you can have a healthy relationship with a human without killing him is a good idea."
My brow crinkles up into a frown. "Okay, but what happens when I tell him I'm an incubus and that by offering to be my donor he's agreed to sleep with me…and he calls me a homo freak and refuses to speak to me ever again."
The possibility is very real, and it scares me more than anything else. What if he really can accept me as an incubus…only to reject my bisexuality?
But Conan shoots me a deadpan expression. "Kaito, I've seen you two together, and believe me when I say that he's not homophobic. He's got the hots for you."
It seems difficult for Shinichi to acknowledge his rival as an actual rival, so I give Shinichi's claims extra weight and due consideration.
"…But is that only because of my powers, or is he independently attracted to me?" I murmur, wondering which is the truth.
Shinichi is silent a moment as he contemplates as well. Finally he sighs. "I'm not even going to bother asking if it matters because I already know the answer. You want true love. I know, I know. …But do you really think you'd say no to him even if his feelings were all because of your powers?"
I close my eyes and feel my face burn with shame. "Even if he were only under my spell…I'd probably still say yes, but…there's no way I'd be as happy as if it were true love."
"Yeah," Conan mumbles. "You'd get all angsty about how he only loved you because of your powers, not of his own free will. But, for what it's worth, I think what Hakuba feels for you is real, otherwise he'd only be interested in screwing you."
My eyes fly wide open in surprise. "That's right, isn't it?" I gasp. "He would, wouldn't he? So…"
Maybe Saguru actually does have real feelings for me after all.
"Well, there you go then," Conan declares matter-of-factly, like everything is settled.
And for the most part, it is. I'll tell Saguru…eventually. But there's still something that's bothering me immensely, and that's Shinichi.
"Okay," I softly agree, leaning forward with my forearms on the table to look down at him, look him in the eye. "But, Shin-chan, are you really okay with all this?"
He raises an eyebrow at me. "What do you mean?"
I feel a sharp stab in the gut at his aloof response. After all, I feel like I'm betraying him with my recent crush on Saguru. Sometimes he seems jealous, but still he pushes me towards the man who's supposed to be his rival. Is this martyrdom for my sake? Does Shinichi think I'll be happier with Saguru, and is that why he's fostering my relationship with Saguru without a fight?
…Or maybe does he not care for me as much as I thought he did? After all, I am only his second choice after Ran. Maybe I don't mean as much to him as I'd assumed.
It hurts. I want him to punish me for letting my affections stray. I want him to fight for me…get jealous. And yet I want to be with Saguru.
I'm childish and selfish.
But it hurts that he's so unfeeling about all of this.
"I mean…Was I the only one that always thought we were going to end up together?" I whisper, trying not to let too much of the pain I'm feeling leak through into my voice. I do not succeed. "I always thought…I don't know, that I was yours to claim when you wanted me, but…does it not bother you that I'm falling in love with someone else? It doesn't feel like it. I mean, you're even going so far as to help me, so…"
I close my eyes and shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts of all of the clutter before I open my eyes and try again. "Shin-chan, are you really okay, letting me go, giving me to someone else like this?"
Conan's features contort into an expression of offended resentment. He's angry and showing more emotion than I've seen on him in a long time.
"Do you really think my feelings for you are that watery?" he accuses indignantly. "After all this time we've been together? After I spent a decade having to hide what I was from you, waiting to see if you'd end up human like your mother or whether you'd turn out like me and maybe be the one I'd spend century after century of my life with?"
There's burning passion in his eyes as he hisses under his breath, and his fervor makes me feel small and stupid. I worry that I've made a mistake, falling for Saguru without understanding how strongly Shinichi feels.
"Kaito, if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of invested in you. Ever since we were kids, I've thought of you as my life-mate," he explains gently, but the intensity in his eyes remains.
"What about Ran?" I whisper weakly, feeling faint at the magnitude of his words.
"Ran is human. At best we could spend part of a century together—one century. What about my other nine? I've always planned to spend them with you. Even with your human blood, you could still live to seven hundred or so, Kaito…barring Organization interference," he adds in a grumble.
I sit quietly in awe as he speaks tersely. He's thought this all out, but I…I've been too caught up in pretending to be "normal" that I haven't even considered the possibility of a longer-than-average lifespan. I have no clue what I'm going to do with it. But Shinichi's already planned it out for me.
"Kaito, it may seem to you that I'm being complacent about your involvement with Hakuba, but the truth is, I just realize that this is a necessary phase in your development. You need a human life and a quote, unquote 'normal' relationship right now. I don't like it," he growls in a low, feral tone, "and I'm jealous as hell, but I understand that this is what you need right now.
"Go have your 'true love', fairy-tale fling with Hakuba," he scoffs in envy, but then his voice softens, as if to mitigate the damage from the harsh blow he's about to deal. "Watch as he gets old while you stop aging. Despair when he gets sick and dies, leaving you behind."
My eyes widen, and I'm about to protest vainly when he rushes to reassure, "I'll be there to hold you as you cry. I'll never leave you, Kaito. And maybe along the way you'll start to understand the difference between your fairy-tales and a real relationship that stands the test of an entire millennium….
"Because, Kaito, even while you're in his arms as his lover, you'll still be my mate," he asserts, claiming me, branding me with the heat in his eyes.
Conan stands on the bench and leans forward over the table. He whispers devilishly, delighting in the advanced state of shock he's put me in, "That's why I'm 'okay' with this. Kaito, no matter what, you'll always be mine."
The words "take me, I'm yours" come to mind, but not much else as the space between my ears is completely blank at the moment after hearing those movie-esque lines.
While I'm stunned into silence, his lips brush mine, and I'm soooo glad that Poirot is bustling today and far too packed with noisy customers for anyone to be paying any attention to us.
The kiss feels like an electric shock, a little jolt of warmth spreading through my entire body like a sugar rush.
By the time I recover, Conan is back in his seat, sipping at his iced coffee and kicking his legs back and forth—to all the world an innocent eight year-old.
"Is your head spinning?" he chuckles warmly, taking pleasure in the reactions he's able to draw from me.
I nod, still in a daze.
Shinichi has never been known for his romanticism, but, frankly, I'm blown away by his confession, the fierce way he looks at me and tells me in no uncertain terms that I'm his.
Isn't this what I've always wanted from him—an uncompromising declaration of undying love? Something to irrevocably tie me to Shinichi?
"I'm going to end up with Shinichi; it's an inevitability," has always been in the back of my mind, but, up until now, it's been a loose concept, a "maybe…probably…but then maybe not".
"You're my mate" has set things in stone between us, but…
Saguru…
"You okay, Kai?" Conan calls, worried at my prolonged silence.
"Yeah," I sigh, all out of sorts. "I'm really happy, but…at the same time…confused. I mean…it would be wrong of me to go off with some other guy after—after all THAT."
Conan shakes his head and smiles indulgently at me. Even though he's currently eight, he's still the adult in this relationship, and I'm the naïve child that he dotes on.
"Kaito, I didn't tell you all that to chain you down…the opposite, really," he assures. "I want you to know that it's okay to waver and experiment because I'm always going to be there for you to come back to. Besides, if you don't see things through with Hakuba, you're going to have regrets that last a loooong time. Don't you think?"
I squirm uneasily, knowing he's right, but…I don't want to be unfaithful to my "fiancé". I feel guilty for not being able to whole-heartedly commit to Shinichi like he has to me. After everything he's done for me, everything we've been through together…
But what he said before, about having only one hundred years at best with Ran… Had he been planning on being with her first and then only coming to me after she was gone? Had that been his plan before he realized that he could never actually be with Ran at all because of what he is? If so, if I was only second choice, would it really be so bad to be with Saguru first?
…I don't know.
"Kaito, don't overthink things, okay?" Conan gently urges. "Just go ahead and have normal human relationships for now. You only get to grow up once. Enjoy your youth."
That sounds funny coming from a grade schooler.
I sigh but nod in acquiescence anyway. "I'll think about it."
"Good." Conan looks a little too pleased at being able to influence me.
This is all so serious for me, and he, as a full-blooded fey, can't truly understand what my human half is going through.
I'm in love, considering telling my crush my closely guarded secret, and then thinking about giving up my innocence to him. And I could accidentally kill him, because I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I don't have anyone to ask!
Shinichi seems to think that this humanity thing is just a phase I'm going through. He talks like after I have a "fling" with Saguru, I'll grow out of it and come to my senses.
But for me, this is all so real. My feelings aren't fleeting…my feelings for Saguru and Shinichi both.
"I'm thinking about some lemon pie. Do you want a slice of chocolate cake, Kaito? It's on me." Conan's voice snaps me out of my swirling thoughts.
I smile because he truly cares for me and knows just how to brighten me up.
…...
Mikau: And there we have it: the KaiShin side of this plot thickens! There will be a lot more KaiShin in coming chapters (chapters nine and ten focus on Kaito and full-size Shinichi going on a date at Tropical Land) to go along with the HakuKai part of the plot that I had originally planned. I wanted Shinichi to have more depth, so I started with this chapter to bring him and his feelings into play more. Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm a little embarrassed. I wrote this so long ago! It's not as bad as I had feared, though. Still. Again, I hope you liked it. Thank you so much for reading. Please let me know what you thought!
