Notes: And another chapter for the Clextia verse. If people are wondering where I've been know that I'm not dead, I swear XD I've just had a pretty long period of no inspiration unfortunately. I also generally don't post everything over here, so if people want to see more from me you'll be able to find a fic masterlist on my tumblr that has (or should have, depends on if I've updated it recently :/) every fic I've written, plus some Tumblr only AUs. I'm also more noticeably active on Ao3, so I'm half thinking of migrating over there more or less. Either way, I hope you guys enjoy the continuation of my Clextia verse.
The first time she kissed Costia they had been in their last year of high school. It was awkward and fumbling with clashing teeth and bit lips, but it had ended in soft laughs and smiles, their bodies pressed close and warm as they basked in each other's presence. They'd whispered quiet promises to each other between kisses, to stay together always, until sleep had taken them.
The first time she kissed Clarke, it had been in excitement after hearing she'd gotten the scholarship that would let her continue school for another year. She'd been so jubilant, so ecstatic, that she she hadn't thought of her actions, only about how she could stay with her two most precious people in the world instead of moving home to work. She only remembered suddenly finding her lips on Clarke's, their bodies pressed close, arms around waists and hands tangled in hair as they shared in each others happiness.
When they broke apart her face had flushed in both happiness and horror. Her mind filling with thoughts of Costia, the kisses they'd shared and the relationship they had still yet to define years later, but they were mixed with thoughts of Clarke, her kindness and gentle manner, and how she desired to be close to both them so much.
She'd fumbled an excuse, rushing to the door as Clarke had called to her, snatching her shoes and jacket before stumbling into the hall. She didn't know what to do. She loved them both so dearly and to lose either simply because she couldn't control her feelings would hurt far too much to bear. They made life almost easy, lifting the darkness like nothing else had before. She didn't think she'd be able to survive going back to such a dark place.
She felt her phone buzz several times in her pocket as she ran, down the stairs, through the lobby and onto the street. She passed the university, ran past the small strip mall, and past the park beyond that. She kept running, despite being far from her apartment, and far from Clarke, several blocks at least, because she knew if she stopped she would have to face the reality of the situation, would have to read the words Clarke had sent her. She ran until she couldn't run anymore, her chest burned and her legs felt like they would collapse beneath her.
When she stopped she slumped against the nearest tree, breathing hard and ragged. She could feel wetness on her face and a burning in her eyes, sobs bubbling up in her throat. Sliding down to sit at the tree's base, she finally looked at where she was. It took her a moment, a moment filled with panic at being lost and alone, but she soon recognized her surroundings, the flashing lights of the 'Open' sign from the bar many of the university's students frequented and the flickering of the fluorescent lights of the laundromat right next to it.
She breathed a deep sigh, a choked sob escaping at the end. She feels her phone burn in her pocket, filled with several texts that she didn't want to read but had to. With shaking hands she fished the device out of her jacket, finger hovering over the button that would reveal Clarke's thoughts to her.
She hesitated a moment, squeezing her eyes shut. That pause was quickly interrupted by the ringing of her phone, Anya's name flashing across the screen, making her nearly drop it as her heart leapt into her throat.
"Hello?" Her voice croaked as she answered. Her entire body felt cold, making her shaking intensify.
"Lex? Where are you? Clarke called. She and Costia are looking for you." Anya's voice came through the speaker tiny and far away, whether that was from her nerves or a bad connection, she wasn't sure.
"I'm…" She hesitated in her answer, fear closing her throat. If she told Anya where she was there was little doubt either she or Clarke or Costia would come find her. She'd have to confront what she'd done, the consequences of her impulses. "I'm across from the bar." She choked out, knowing she'd have to face everything eventually and waiting would only make it worse.
"Alright, I'm coming to get you, don't move." She nodded in response, even though Anya wouldn't be able to see her, and murmured a soft 'okay' before the line went dead. Her hand shook as she brought the phone away from her ear. Her head landed on her knees as her hand hit the dry grass beside her, cradling her phone loosely. She didn't even notice when the screen went dark again, too focused on her breathing to even think of looking at it again.
"Lex?" It feels like only a short time later that Anya calls to her, but with how stiff she feels when she pushes herself to her feet it must have been far longer. She stumbles a little as she gets to the car, getting in wordlessly when Anya reaches from the driver's side to open the passenger door. "You okay?" The question is asked softly, and the slight nod of her head in response is met with a sad sounding sigh.
"Clarke called me sounding really worried. Did something happen?" Anya tried again as she pulled away from the curb, pulling U-turn in the empty street, and began driving back towards the younger girl's apartment. She remains silent, Anya glancing worriedly at her from the corner of her eye every so often.
"I kissed Clarke." She manages to mumble just as they pull up in front of the apartment building. She felt the muscles of her jaw working as her teeth pressed together almost painfully. Saying it out loud made it seem far too real.
Anya didn't say anything for a moment, simply staring out the windshield after putting the car in park and slumping back in her seat. The silence almost made her feel like her cousin was waiting for her to get out, but before she could move to open the door, Anya turned to her. "Look, I'm not entirely sure what's going on up in that screwy little head of yours, but I can assure you that whatever your worst case scenario is, it's not going to happen. Both Costia and Clarke care about you a lot, a kiss won't change that. Running and not talking about it will be what makes everything so much worse."
She sighed, rubbing her eyes. Deep inside she'd known that already, but hearing it from Anya made it easier to take a breath and accept it. "I know." She mumbled, pressing her head back into the headrest while her palms ground harshly into her eyes until stars burst across the back of her eye lids.
"Good, now go and talk to your girls. They're worried about you." She nodded, the corner of her mouth twitching at having her roommates called 'her girls.' "If you need anything just call, i have a gift card to that really nice burgers place if comfort food is needed." That managed to drag a smile out of her as she stepped onto the sidewalk, the cool night air making her shiver.
"Thanks An, I love you." She closed the car door and leaned on the open window, stalling a little for time.
"Love you too, kiddo. Now go, no more stalling." She swallowed and nodded, a little annoyed that Anya knew her so well. She shuffled her way back inside, feet dragging across the carpet of the lobby until she reached the stairs. She took each step slowly, trying to drag out the time between the bottom and the top.
By the time she was in front of her apartment door, she was shaking, the coldness she felt had invaded her limbs but her chest was hot with fear and anxiety. Her hands shook so badly that opening the door quickly became a challenge, but somehow she managed, luckily finding it unlocked, as she thought that if she had to get her keys from her pocket she would have dropped them for sure.
She entered quietly, hoping to delay the inevitable for just that little bit longer. Slipping off her shoes, she put them away neatly. She debated keeping her jacket on, just in case she needed to run again, but decided against it. She needed to face this, and as Anya had said, running would only make it worse.
She took her time in hanging it up, listening for any sounds that would tell her where her roommates were. There was some shuffling from the the living room and the quiet chatter of the Tv in the background, so, taking a breath, she quietly made her way down the short hall until she could peer into the living room.
She expected to see many things. One or both of her roommates sitting on the couch waiting, angry that she'd run, or worse disappointed. She expected rejection, to lose one of the few lights that had helped pull her out of the darkest corners. What she wasn't expecting was the sight of Costia and Clarke standing in the middle of the room, lips locked and arms around each other as they intensely made out. All moisture fled from her mouth at the sight, and her fear and apprehension ground to a halt, quickly being replaced by confusion.
She stood frozen for several moments, simply watching as the two people she loved most in the world broke for air, resting their foreheads together as they caught their breaths. All she felt was confusion, and a sliver of hope, balloon in her chest. She leaned against the door frame, the slight squeak of the hardwood under her feet catching her roommates attention. Both looked like children that had been caught wrist deep in the cookie jar, their mouths working, trying to find a way to explain, but no words came out.
"What the fuck guys…" She breathed, slumping even more against the door frame, a laugh bursting from her chest as she sunk to the floor. "Fuck…" Her head fell back and hit the frame with a loud thump. She could feel tears in her eyes, but they weren't sad, angry, or even scared tears. She hit her head against the door frame several more times, the rhythmic thumping and the slight pain giving her something to focus on. She didn't know what to think, what to hope or even what to expect. At that moment, all she could feel was exhaustion.
"Hey, hey no, Lexa stop." Clarke rushed forward as she continued to thump her head against the wall, slipping her hand behind the brunette's head to cushion the impact. Costia was right behind her, kneeling down on her other side and wrapping her in an awkward side hug.
There was an even awkwarder silence before Costia spoke up, her tone hesitant. "Seems we've made ourselves a right mess, haven't we?" She chuckled in response leaning her head against the older girl's shoulder. She felt Clarke shift to sit properly beside her, slipping arm behind her shoulders, most likely as a precaution in case she felt the urge to hit her head again.
"You don't say." Her laugh was harsh, wet and humourless, her tears having spilled over and down her cheeks. "I kissed you, I kissed clarke, you kissed clarke, clarke kissed you…" She could feel her tears soaking Costia's shirt, but she was too tired to move, her body having gone limp, only held up by the girl's on either side of her. "Why don't we throw in another person and make it even more complicated. If we put up an ad online I'm sure we could find someone."
Her joke is met with silence, and she could feel her roommate's looking at each other over her head, but she was too tired to care. Her emotions had been strung so tightly in the last couple hours that it was taking all of her energy to stay awake.
"Well, personally, I'd like to just keep it to the three of us, if that's alright with you?" Clarke spoke softly, making her thoughts grind to a halt. She could feel Costia nodding in agreement, her jaw brushing ever so slightly against her forehead.
"Wait, what?" She lifted her head, turning towards the blonde, her quick movements nearly knocking Costia in the chin. The sliver of hope she'd felt earlier grew, painfully digging into her chest as fear wrapped around it. 'She could just mean it in a platonic way. Don't get your hopes up.' She repeated it over and over in her head, but the hope kept growing, closing her throat until she was holding her breath in anticipation.
"What she means is," Costia took over, leaning back a little as the younger girl quickly turned back to look at her. "We both like each other a lot, and we like you a lot, and from past kissing experiences, you like us a lot too." Turning back to Clarke, she could see the blonde nodding, a small smile on her face. "So," Costia continued. "Would you be opposed to the three of us, I don't know, trying this out?"
"And by 'this' she means dating." Clarke added quickly, a nervous chuckle leaving her lips.
"Yes, I mean dating." Both of them looked so hopeful and nervous, waiting for her response, but she couldn't force any words out. She was so tired, and relieved, and oh so overwhelmed, all she could manage was a wheezing laugh, prompting worried frowns from the other girls. "Um, Lex…" Costia murmured, but cut herself off as the brunette began nodding, jerkily, but it was nod, a confirmation that she was okay with the new development. More than okay with it.
Both Clarke and Costia let out deep sighs of relief, their bodies slumping against hers until they were a pile of limbs on the floor of the hall. After several long moments, enough time for her to breath properly, she spoke. "You know I love you guys, right?" Her words were a little slurred, her tongue feeling far too big for her far too dry mouth. She felt Clarke shift beside her, bringing her head up until she hovered above in the brunette's line of sight.
"Well, I'd hope so after all the kissing, which I want more of."
"Same." Costia piped up from where she had stretched out on the floor, her body flush against the younger girl's side. "But I say we move onto a bed or something before we start anything, the floor's kinda uncomfortable."
"Agreed." Clarke nodded, groaning as she pushed herself onto her feet, then held out a hand to help the other two up. "I vote my room considering my beds a queen." She took the blonde's hand without a word, swaying slightly as vertigo made the room tilt. Warm hands helped steady her and then guided her towards Clarke's room, the gentle touches making the last of her worry and fear calm and then be replaced with hopeful excitement.
She hadn't expected this turn out when she'd been walking up the steps to their apartment. She'd expected anger, disappointment, awkwardness at best, complete rejection and the loss of one or both of her closest friends at worst, but instead she'd gotten more than she could have ever hoped for. She was sure that their relationship would have some challenges along the way, but for now, she could take solace in the fact that her two most precious people would continue to protect her from the darkness.
Endnote: Come find me on my tumblr GillyTweed