Ch. 3

"Eric, I can't breathe. Please." Jack pleaded, clenching his chest and panting heavily. A vice grip crushing his lungs as a cold sweat ran down his back. The room was spinning and his knees were slackening and he was so sure that any minute now, he was going to crash to the hardwood floor. One thought continuously circling his mind,' Eric, I have to get to Eric'. His pulse continued to thunder in his ears, drowning out the comforting words Eric was practically shouting at him.

He didn't know what he expected Eric to do or why he was calling out to him. He continued to gasp for breath while his gasping breaths started to dry his throat and make his ribs ache. Desperate tears ran down his face. 'It's all my fault, I can't change this. I can't control anything. Everything's going to fall apart.', flowed through his thoughts. He reached out to hold on to the counter but faltered as it was farther away than it had seemed.

"Jack!" Eric was suddenly holding on to him, his arms on Jack's shoulders as he tried to catch his gaze. Eric's thin, nimble fingers worked with the pressure of his hands to give an anchoring feeling that made Jack feel both better and worse at the same time. Like he wanted to be weighed down but his body needed to be released. Eric looked just as scared as Jack felt. "Look at me." And Jack tried, he really did but he couldn't seem to focus or stay still long enough to do so. His vision blurred and an obscured, deformed images of Eric's tense face, furrowed brow and the shining silver rings on his fingers ran through his clouded mind. If possible, the pounding got louder and it felt like his ears were popping. "Okay. Calm down, Jack. You're having a panic attack. You need to try and calm down."

It made sense but knowing what was happening just made Jack even more terrified. He tried to breathe, make himself calm down but the more he tried the more panicked he became. Eric's hands wrapped gently around the back of his neck and Jack finally managed to concentrate on his face, his eyes going wide. Eric's pale, fearful face was so clear and bright, his eyes were focused completely and entirely on Jack's face. It was like seeing him for the first time through opaque glass. For a minute, for a brief moment, Jack's heavy breaths slowed and his heartbeat started to level, everything washed away until the only thing he could see, the only thing that existed on any possible level, was Eric. Everything was Eric and Eric was everything. He stared in silence. The hands on the back of his head tightened and Jack found himself pulled into Eric's embrace and breathing in the smell of his sweet, all encompassing cologne.

Sometime between trying to burrow further inside Eric and listening to the comforting sound of Eric murmuring random things into his ear, Jack realized his breathing had finally returned to normal. Still, his eyes lingered on the disorganized pile of coursework on the table. The many unanswered exam reviews and empty thesis statements.

Jack sighed. He'd been sitting in this bed for two days now and he still wasn't quite sure of what happened to him before he got here. He'd gathered that he had a head injury, that he'd slipped in and out of consciousness but he still didn't know the most important part. He didn't know how it happened or why. Nothing explained the scars and bruises on his arms and abdomen either. He looked like a battered spouse. The purpling and green and yellowed spots freckled his skin and made it painful whenever he made any sudden movements. A few of them looked distinctly like handprints and when he'd studied them carefully, he was left with an extremely sickened feeling. He kept asking Shawn but the answer was always so vague Jack could tell he was hiding information deliberately. Jack kept having flashes of what he was sure happened on the night he can't remember.

Shawn was laughing at the cartoon on the television and not paying attention to Jack at all. It was kind of a relief as he'd been growing increasingly more irritated at the younger man's periodic inspection but he felt ignored for some reason.

"Shawn?" He waited until the other man laughed again and finally turned his attention. "Shouldn't I be in school or something?" He knew the semester had started some time ago and he knew that Shawn had talked to his professors for him. That or they'd heard about his 'accident'.

The wary hesitation on Shawn's face only further intrigued Jack. He silently studied Jack for a moment before answering. "Actually, the doctors feel that it'd be best if you don't worry about school for a while. They talked to your mom and she agreed. It'd be best not to… stress you. At least for now." He added, hastily. He was steeling himself for Jack inevitable explosion but it didn't come. Instead another question graced his lips.

Jack seemed satisfied and lay back concentrating on the loud television for the first time since Shawn turned it on hours ago. He hadn't run out of questions but he knew he had to pace them if Shawn was going to answer them. "Where's Eric?"

At this, Shawn tensed and his eyes drifted to the tile floor. Jack watched his hair curtain his guilt ridden expression and it was a long time before he said anything. He's going to have to tell me sometime.

"He hasn't been here." He said slowly. He didn't have to look at Jack's face to see the questioning if not heartbroken expression. He suddenly felt very old and he thought of the time his father had taken him to zoo. He asked where his mom had gone and watched as his father's face blanked. He can't remember exactly what he said but he knew it was an aversion to answering his question. Shawn hadn't understood then but he understood now. That didn't make it any less hard to have to lie to Jack.

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"I don't understand why Shawn's been keeping him from me. Do you know how long I've been trying to get myself to believe that what happened isn't my fault? Just… give me a few minutes please. He's sleeping." Eric pleaded, hoping he hadn't completely lost his way with women. Her face softened and she ducked her head and closed the door. He silently hoped Shawn would take longer to get a change of clothes and wouldn't show up as he was leaving. Eric would never get a chance to see him then.

Eric sidestepped the tray on wheels and sat down in the chair by Jack's bed. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully but the grimace on his face gave away his unpleasant dreams. Eric reached out a hand to grasp Jack's. He tried to ignore how cold it was in contrast to how warm Jack's hands always used to be. "Bad dreams? I get those too."

Eric's throat tightened. It was too… disheartening to sit here talking to Jack and not have him disagreeing with almost everything Eric said or moving around neurotically because Jack was always moving; always in motion. That's what got him here in the first place, Eric thought bitterly.

"I worked so hard to get you to relax. You don't know how hard it was to have to watch you beat yourself up like that, everyday. You tried so hard to be better when you didn't have to, Jack. I guess I shouldn't have worked so hard because now, right now, I'd give anything if you would just wake up and call me an idiot right now." He said hollowly.

He was now studying the scars covering Jack's arms. Scratches and scrapes and cuts and bruises. His right arm was still bandaged after the fracture from a month ago broke again in the same place. His face wasn't so bad. A few bruises and Eric noticed his black eye had completely faded away. Which made sense because his had faded too. Eric hadn't told anybody that part of him resented how fast it healed because he somehow felt like he was losing some part of that night and he needed to remember everything. He couldn't explain why but he had to. He was steadily losing all the parts he could explain, it seemed.

"You look better." Eric held Jack's hand to his cheek, feeling the familiar, painful strain in his throat. "Jack, I should've done a better job of taking care of you. I should've asked for help, I'm so sorry. It's not Shawn's fault; I would've kept you away from me too. It's this selfish part of me that thinks you would want me here. The part of me that just can't let you go."

He didn't know how long he sat there just watching Jack breathe but it felt like too soon the day nurse was ducking her head in. "Eric? You have to leave now."

Eric nodded solemnly, his eyes feeling strangely tired. He kissed Jack's hand and stood. So much of him ached to kiss Jack, really kiss Jack for the second time, not caring that the nurse was there at all, but he didn't. He knew it would make leaving harder. "Bye, Jack."

Every step away felt wrong but Shawn was keeping him away for a reason. Maybe Jack was better off without Eric.

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"No, you answer me now! Why? You've been keeping things from me and I've been letting it go because I was sure you had a good reason. But then I find out, from Cory of all people, that you've been keeping Eric away from me and that's not okay, Shawn. It's not!" Jack shouted halfway through before his voice gave out and he had to practically hiss the rest of it. It was clear by the fire in his eyes that Jack was seething and no placation from Shawn would make that anger go away.

Cory had called earlier that day, somehow unaware that Jack had woken up and even more surprised to know that Shawn hadn't told him what he'd said to Eric. His brother had come home the other night looking a little worse for wear and after some subtle interrogation he'd gathered that Eric had gone to see Jack. He asked when Jack might be feeling up to a visit from all of his family. Jack had agreed immediately and it was obvious that he was looking forward to it.

"So then Shawn would be okay with that? With Eric?" Cory had asked quietly. He didn't know all the details but he knew that Shawn had specifically told the nurses not to let Eric see Jack and because Cory knew how protective Shawn could be at times, he knew he had to accept it even if he didn't understand it. It didn't make it any easier to see Eric so upset about it but he couldn't have changed it if he tried. It was just another reason Eric had been so manic lately.

"Yeah, why wouldn't he be? I've wondered why he hasn't come by sooner." The lightness in his tone told Cory that Shawn hadn't told Jack about Eric. He paused, not sure what to say. He didn't want Jack to be angry but it didn't feel right that he didn't know.

"Shawn told Eric that it might not be best for you to see him right now." Cory explained haltingly. He listened and heard Jack breathing over the phone.

"Oh." Jack coughed a few times and when he spoke again his voice was hoarse. "That… that makes sense. But… okay. Tell your parents they're welcome anytime. And tell Eric…" He coughed once more and if possible, his voice was even more choked. "Tell him I'm sorry."

If Cory had known that phone call would cause so much damage, Jack doubted he would've called in the first place. Shawn looked stricken at seeing Jack so enraged and held his ringed hands up defensively. "Jack. Look, what did you expect? He found you." Jack faltered, that was new. Shawn hadn't told him that before. "He was there. And it's not like he fought for you."

Shawn instantly regretted his words when he saw Jack wince and a look of distressed comprehension washed over him. He sat back in bed and as his arms crossed, Shawn recognized the familiar signs that Jack was closing himself off again. He'd taken to doing this when his environment got too difficult to deal with. When he could tell Shawn was hiding something or he got off the phone with his step-father or the doctors came in to tell him that it might be a while before he got his taste back or would be able to walk normally or breathe without his chest tightening and his ribs and sides aching.

It usually took Shawn a few minutes to pull him back and get him talking again. For the first time, he couldn't. And it scared him more than anything.