"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." - William Blake
Chapter 27
Elizabeth breathed in the fresh summer air and tried to focus on the beauty of nature surrounding her. Walking the path to Oakham Mount had never failed to distract her with the natural beauty. When she reached the peak, she settled upon an old log that had long been used as a bench for those who looked out upon the Hertfordshire countryside. Her hand touched the top of her reticule but she was quick to pull it back. The urge to stop and read the letter again was strong. She had lost count of how many times she read his words. Why did the pain continue? In her heart, Elizabeth knew she was feeling the loss of what might have been.
The summer past in a blur. Netherfield's proximity to Longbourn was a godsend. The sisters would visit together and evenings spent being entertained by Charles' stories of his time at school. It was only when Elizabeth would spy her sister and Charles in a quiet moment that she felt a squeeze within her chest. The look of adoration upon Charles' face when he looked upon Jane or Jane's soft smile at something that Charles' whispered in her ear. Elizabeth could not help but feel envious of their love for each other. When these feelings began to overwhelm, Elizabeth would retreat back to Longbourn and her father's bookroom.
Her correspondence with Amelia increased. Her lively friend seemed to be coping with the sudden death of her father and eldest brother. Unfortunately, Amelia alluded that the new Lord Waldegrave was still struggling as he both mourned and took on his new responsibilities. Elizabeth prayed that the siblings would find peace and happiness.
Georgiana was ever the faithful correspondent. Elizabeth could not say if she feared or anticipated a repeat of the secretly enclosed correspondence from Mr. Darcy. In the end, it did not matter. With each new missive received from Georgiana, the envelopes continued to be thin. A secret letter did not come.
The evenings began to cool as autumn quickly approached. It was on one such evening that Elizabeth found herself in turmoil once again. She was sitting on the veranda with Jane and Charles enjoying the beautifully painted sunset when her new brother exclaimed.
"I could not imagine a more lovely evening or more enjoyable company than my two favorites."
Charles smiled broadly at his wife and then responded.
"Well, my darling, I hope that you will be pleased to have more favorites with you soon. I cannot say if their company will compare to Lizzy and I; however, I can attest to the sunsets being spectacular in Derbyshire."
"Oh yes, I look forward to seeing the beauty of the North. Will it be quite cooler, Charles?" Jane asked.
"Yes, harvest time can be quite chilly once the sun goes down." Charles replied.
Jane turned her attention to Elizabeth then, "Lizzy, I believe that we should go into Meryton soon and purchase some thicker wraps and gloves."
"Of course, Jane, I am happy to assist you."
Jane's brow furrowed before she said, "No, Lizzy, my trousseau was sufficient for such a trip. I was hoping to buy the wraps and gloves for you. I would not wish for you to become ill while you explore the Derbyshire countryside."
Elizabeth's face revealed her shock at this pronouncement.
"Oh, no, Jane, that won't be necessary."
Charles spoke up then.
"Come now, Lizzy, you would not deny Jane a few simple gifts for her favorite sister?"
"That's not it at all, Charles. There will be no need for such gifts because I will not be joining you in Derbyshire." Elizabeth said as calmly as possible.
Both Jane and Charles appeared surprised by this.
"Whatever do you mean, Lizzy? I thought that you were looking forward to spending time with Georgiana again?"
Lizzy bit her bottom lip and looked away trying to form some type of response. Jane and Charles exchanged a quick glance before Charles stood.
"I believe that I will return to the house now. Good evening." He dropped a quick kiss upon Jane's head before departing.
Jane moved to sit beside her sister and gently took her hand. Before she could speak, Lizzy whispered.
"I fear that I have forced Charles to flee his own veranda."
"Charles loves you nearly as much as I do, Lizzy. Won't you please tell me what has troubled you these past months?"
Elizabeth's surprised was evident as she looked up at her sister.
"Come now, dear sister. I know that things are different now that I am wed but, I hope that I have not altered so much as to disregard seeing pain in my sister's eyes. I have been waiting patiently for you to unburden your heart."
Elizabeth could not contain the stubborn tears that began to fall and Jane quickly wrapped her arms around her sister.
"Oh, Jane. I hardly know where to begin." Elizabeth whispered.
Slowly, Elizabeth explained the events that had transpired at Rosings. Jane waited patiently as her sister told her tale. As Elizabeth described Darcy's parting words in the garden at Hunsford, Jane felt compelled to interrupt.
"Oh dearest! It is no wonder that you are so confused and upset. I could not believe such behavior from Mr. Darcy but I know that you must speak the truth." Jane exclaimed.
"Jane, I do not know what to do! I have struggled to discover who the real man is…the gentleman who I teased and danced and walked with? Or, the haughty and arrogant person who spoke so cruelly to me?"
"And his parting words to you were to beg your forgiveness and asked to repair the breach? He must understand why you would want to escape his company after such a display. Yet, perhaps there is some explanation Lizzy? I know that you could not bear to be near him so soon but it is too bad that he could not have an opportunity to explain himself."
At this, Elizabeth could not help but blush. She was knew it was not wise to speak of such a breach of propriety; however, she also knew that she could trust her sister implicitly.
"He…he found a way to provide further explanation." Lizzy stammered.
Jane's confusion was obvious.
"Whatever do you mean, Lizzy? I know that you have not traveled since your return and Mr. Darcy has not visited the county recently?" Jane questioned.
"He wrote me a letter and enclosed it in a letter that I received from Georgiana." Elizabeth admitted quietly.
Jane could not contain her astonishment. Elizabeth began speaking before her sister could begin her admonishments.
"I realize the risk of such actions and I truly do not know if I am pleased to have his explanations or not. He speaks of love but he also hurt me deeply." Elizabeth could not continue.
Jane took Elizabeth's hand in her own and quietly asked, "I believe that pain caused by one we hold in high regard hurts the most. Were you in love with him, Lizzy?"
"I…I do not know. I did not even allow myself to consider such a thing with our situations begin so unequal. I certainly thought well of him. I enjoyed the time that I spent in his company and our conversations."
The sisters were quiet for a moment before Jane spoke again.
"Do you think that there is a possibility that you could forgive him? Perhaps you can gain further insight into his true character if you spend time observing him at his estate?"
Elizabeth looked slightly panicked again.
"Do not ask it of me. My feelings are in turmoil when I think of seeing him again. My anger and hurt at his words resurface yet I regret the loss of a friendship I valued so much."
"I will not press you to join us, Lizzy. However, he spoke of his love for you and you admitting to admiring him. Perhaps, there will yet be a happy conclusion to this. I will support you in whatever decision you make."
Elizabeth only nodded before they returned to the house so that Lizzy could call for the carriage and return to Longbourn.
Elizabeth's sleep was troubled that night. She knew that she would have to explain to Georgiana that she would be unable to visit Pemberley. She did not wish to pain her friend but the fear of meeting Mr. Darcy again was too great to ignore.
The next day, Elizabeth was attempting to find solace in her father's bookroom when Mrs. Hill entered. Her dear housekeeper bobbed a curtsey as she held out a tray.
"A letter for you, Miss Elizabeth."
Elizabeth thanked her with a smile as she picked up the letter. However, that smile quickly disappeared as she felt the thick letter that reminded her of another she received in the Spring.