Chapter 8: Cake
It killed him to leave her that morning. After she exhausted herself sparring, and exhausted him, he carried her to her bed and watched her sleep for just a few moments before he too retired. In the morning, he left to ride into town. And it killed him.
Since the moment he brought her home, and he couldn't stop himself from thinking of the farm as their shared home, he hadn't been any farther than shouting distance from her. Even when he left her alone to give her time and much needed space, he always knew where she was just in case she needed him.
It wasn't as if she needed a keeper, a grown and capable woman, a skilled mage and fighter, but he knew there was a part of her emerging that did need him in some small way, needed the comfort of him, the familiarity of him. He liked being needed. He wanted to be her comfort and her familiar foundation. She was that for him. He saw it now so clearly since she was back in his daily life. He needed her. Certainly he too was capable, certainly he was well now as he hadn't been when he struggled with the lyrium but even so, he liked needing her and he wanted her to feel the same way about him.
They'd both seen dark places where it seemed wiser to retreat from the company of others, to withdraw and fall deeper into sorrow, but that was no way to heal and move on. She'd shown him that, now he hoped he was showing her the same. They'd both known joy and pain in solitude and now they had both shared pain with one another. He wanted the chance to share joy with her too.
In short, he loved her. Utterly. Madly. He hoped not hopelessly. And so, it killed him to leave her that morning just when it seemed she'd come to a turning point. But he knew very well he should go. He had to go, both for practical purposes and because she still likely needed some time to think things through. And Rylen basically shoved him onto a horse and pushed him down the road anyway, also knowing it was the best thing for him to go, so it hardly mattered. He left.
And now he was riding back in the middle of the fucking night, in a fucking thunderstorm because he was a lovesick fool and couldn't talk himself into the more logical decision of waiting until morning to go home. His dog hadn't spoken to him since they left town and wouldn't even deign to look at him. The poor Pup just followed along behind him on his horse, who also wasn't happy about getting drenched. He was being ridiculous. Even the animals saw it.
Maker's breath, you're an arse.
He'd be lucky if Evelyn didn't laugh at him when he arrived. He wished she would laugh at him, actually. He'd do anything to hear her laugh again.
It was so late when he and Pup finally sloshed into the house, trailing muddy puddles behind them, that all was silent, even those Templars still suffering with the worst of the nightmares. When he got to his room he slowly opened the door, not wanting to rouse Rylen. It wasn't a sleeping Templar he saw, however, but a sleeping mage, a sleeping Evelyn, curled up in his chair wrapped in his old cloak. And snoring.
He looked down at Pup and gestured for the dog to back out of the room. He backed out as well and closed the door without a sound then he pressed his ear to it to make sure he still heard the soft snores coming from inside. Pup growled low and Cullen would swear the dog rolled his eyes at him before the beast reluctantly sat down right in the hallway and promptly fell asleep.
Cullen stood there, wet, cold, tired, sore and happier than he'd ever been. He didn't know how she ended up in his room sleeping, but she was sleeping, and soundly at that, with no help from him, unless his worn old cloak could be considered a sleeping aid.
He didn't quite know what to do with himself now. If she was in his room, it was possible Rylen was back in his old room. He could look for somewhere else to bed down for the rest of the night, but he found he couldn't walk away, so he just stared at the door and listened to her sleep. Eventually, he sat down next to Pup and he let the music of the rain and the feeling of Evelyn's presence just a few feet away carry him into the Fade.
He felt like he'd only just closed his eyes when they were jarred open by the nudge of a boot to his flank. He startled and bolted upright, trying to get his bearings. The sun was shining outside. Birds were chirping. Evelyn stood in the doorway of his room and looked down at him impassively. Pup stood, seeming to look down at him despite the fact that he was actually looking up and Rylen stood, looking like he was going to try to kick him again.
"She's up." His friend said as he jerked his thumb in Evelyn's direction. The two nodded at each other, then Rylen walked off down the hallway.
Cullen straightened his still damp and rumpled clothes. "Evelyn, I'm...uh…"
"Did you ride back last night?"
"Yes...I did…" Like an arse. He wanted to walk away and pretend he wasn't just caught sleeping like the arse that he was outside her door, but then something happened.
She smiled.
It was like...it was like nothing he could put to words. She smiled. It was a small thing, and he almost thought she didn't even realize she was doing it, but it was a smile nonetheless. He was dumbfounded and elated and he felt an idiotic glee-filled grin tug at his own lips.
"Rylen kicked me out of his room so he could get drunk and gamble, so I slept in here last night. If I'd known you were coming home…"
"No." Cullen waved off her apology. "No, please...it's alright, I was going to stay in town to wait out the storm but then…" What was he supposed to say? But then I realized I'd rather be near you than warm and dry? He was…
"You're an arse." Evelyn finished his thought for him, more bluntly than he would have preferred to hear aloud, but it was true.
Pup barked in agreement.
"No one asked your opinion." He mumbled at the dog.
"Well, you should change into some dry clothes. Thanks for letting me sleep in your room." Evelyn turned to look back inside, her brow furrowed. "I never even made it to the bed, I was just so comfortable and it felt…" Her words drifted off as she seemed to contemplate the novelty of regular sleep.
"It's alright." He reassured her, still smiling. "I'm glad." He decided to take a chance. "I...um...I actually will have to ride back into town to finish up some business today. Do you...want to come with me?"
He waited for a long time before she replied. She looked at him, then back inside the bedroom. She looked down at Pup, then down the hall where Rylen disappeared. Finally she answered, with clear purpose and a determined nod of her head.
"Yes."
They rode together, on a different horse than he forced to ride all night in the rain, and without Pup who, once allowed back into his bedroom, immediately laid down on his cushion and refused to move.
Evelyn sat behind him, holding casually onto his waist and was content to listen to him talk the whole way. He pointed out a few things along road, told a few stories about the area, rambled on about the weather and was generally boring enough that he was surprised she didn't fall back to sleep. When he could think of nothing else to say, he shut up and they both enjoyed the silence for a while, until Evelyn decided to speak.
"Why do you need three combs?"
"Uh...what?"
"And why do you leave your window open? I had to clean up a huge puddle. The floorboards are going to rot if you keep that up. Is it the same reason you never got your roof fixed back at Skyhold? Do all Fereldan's really let their dogs sleep in their bedrooms? Do you always make your bed so neatly?"
Cullen stopped the horse and turned to face Evelyn. Her eyes were wide and...inquisitive. There was a tiny spark of something behind them when, sadly, he'd grown accustomed to seeing nothing but a wall of indifference there.
He took a deep breath and answered her very seriously. "In reverse order: Yes. Yes. Yes. I don't like feeling closed in. And: I just do."
She appeared to very seriously consider his responses. "Hm." Nodding her head, as if in approval, she turned her gaze back to the countryside.
They continued their ride and passed a few more homesteads and a few lazy clouds. She spoke again.
"Rylen is sensible. And really inappropriate."
Cullen laughed. "He is both of those things, yes. Dare I ask?"
"Ask him." She said with a bit of a bite. "I'm sure he'd tell you."
She was talking. She'd been talking to Rylen. She was talking with him now. They were talking.
Cullen wore his idiot grin all the way into town. He didn't even care if Evelyn saw it. They stabled the horse and strolled around the market. She even wandered off by herself for a little while, then wandered back around to join him again. The bulk of the materials he ordered the previous day for the addition to the house he was planning were being delivered, but he still had some small odds and ends to acquire. If the deliveries made it to the farm today he hoped Rylen wasn't so hung over that he couldn't take stock and organize things. Cullen hoped to spend as much time out with Evelyn as she wanted.
"I have to stop at the apothecary." He announced. "We're running low on elfroot and ginger draughts."
"I used to bring you ginger draughts." Evelyn reminisced.
"Where do you think I learned about it?" Cullen gave her a smirk. "The men appreciate your knowledge in helping their nausea even if they don't know it came from you."
Cullen pushed open the door to the apothecary, inhaling the pleasantly astringent odor of brewing potions. The shop was dimly lit and cool inside. Evelyn followed him in and started browsing the shelves as he walked up to the counter. There was a man tending to the bookkeeping that he'd never met before. Cullen could sense he was a mage.
The owner of the shop had a sister who'd been a mage. She died at Kinloch Hold during the blight. Cullen knew her and the kind-hearted shopkeeper actually thanked Cullen once for surviving so that there was at least one other person in the world who would remember her.
Subsequently, now that there were free mages looking for work, the man often hired them on wanting to give as many as possible the opportunity to start a new life, as his sister would never be able to do. Cullen always made it a point to bring his business to this particular shop.
"Good morning serah, I put in an order for a few things yesterday that I was hoping to pick up." Cullen was amicable enough but the man looked up from his books only to shoot daggers at Cullen with his eyes. An aura of angry magic rose up making Cullen clench his fists reflexively. He sensed Evelyn behind him turn to pay attention to the interaction.
"Get out Templar." The man hissed. "The owner isn't here and I don't follow orders from your kind any more."
Cullen took a deep breath. "I haven't been a Templar for years. And no one is ordering you to do anything, but I understand. I'll come back another time."
It was rare in these parts that Cullen met with any prejudice against his previous calling. He didn't know what this person's life had been and it was easier to walk away than to unjustly judge back at the man and start something. This was a good day. He didn't need it ruined by old hate. On a strange impulse, Cullen took Evelyn's hand to lead her out of the shop. He could tell she was surprised by his action. He squeezed her fingers, and it felt nice, secure, solid. He hadn't noticed the flutter of anxiety in his stomach brought on by the unpleasant moment just now until it drifted away at her touch. She squeezed his hand back.
As they exited, the mage shouted after them. "Don't ever come back when I'm here, Templar! I'll be damned before I help one of you good-for-nothings!"
Evelyn stopped cold right in the doorway. She let go of Cullen's hand and he could almost hear her grind her teeth. Her lips were pursed into a frown and her eyes were narrowed in contempt. She spun on her heels and turned back towards the man. She stalked with heavy steps right up to the counter. The man straightened and the two stood eye-to-eye.
When she spoke her voice was low and proud. "You would be damned if it wasn't for this man, you self-righteous prick! We all would be. Damned to oblivion. You don't know him or what he's suffered or what he's accomplished. I can assure you, it's a lot more than your sorry arse! How dare you treat him like that. How dare you treat anyone like that!"
If it were Cullen, he would have backed down quick, but he had the benefit of knowing the strong and imposing person Evelyn truly was. The man wasn't so fortunate to have that knowledge so he wasn't about to back down.
"What do you know about anything?" He waved his hands dismissively at the former Inquisitor. "You don't know what we suffered at their hands! Who are you to judge me?"
Cullen wanted to feel bad for the man at the hornet's nest he just poked but it was wonderful seeing Evelyn with such heated purpose again. He absently thought he should probably try to intervene, but he decided to just remain silent instead.
"Who am I?" Evelyn said each word slowly and dangerously through clenched teeth. She raised her good hand and let a small fireball spark to life inside it. "I'm a mage, you fool, and I've suffered more than you know." Evelyn extinguished her flame and lowered her hand. "Now do us all a favor and take your shameful self to the back there and get this very patient former Templar his order so we can bid you good day and leave you to your ignorance."
The other mage was apparently not opposed to taking orders from Evelyn. He disappeared into the back of the shop with a huff and emerged with a box full of clanking bottles. He held it out to Evelyn but then pulled it back when he finally took notice of her amputated arm.
"Oh...sorry…" He mumbled with his first hint of reluctant remorse. "I uh, I didn't…"
Evelyn snached the box away from him and balanced it expertly in one arm. With a disgusted grunt and a shake of her head she turned to leave. Cullen held the door open for her as she stormed out of the shop. He offered the man a 'good day to you' nod before he followed her.
Cullen fell into step beside her, trying to hide a smile by bringing his arm up to rub the back of his neck. "Thanks for that. And it's good to finally see you again Evelyn."
She stopped. He stopped too, worried that what he said was too glib. She handed him the box, which he took from her, and he waited. She looked at him very earnestly before she spoke.
"Can we go and get something to eat? Like cake? Cake sounds good, doesn't it?"
She walked away, presumably to find cake. He hurried to catch up. Cake did sound good.