Chapter 9: Dive
Evelyn ate cake, and her appetite started coming back to her. She slept, sometimes leaned up against Cullen and sometimes on her own. She helped the Templars work on the addition to the house and she sat in her field often, thinking. She thought about the hole she felt in her chest. She could almost hear the wind whistle through it sometimes, so much of her attention did it claim when she was alone.
She knew the contours of her invisible wound, right where her heart used to be, all the edges of it, some rough, some scarred over, some still red and sore. It didn't exactly hurt her anymore to acknowledge it's presence but it didn't exactly feel good either.
There were some things that felt good now. She liked sneaking a drink with Rylen behind the old storage shed. He was, more often than not, ridiculous and it made her feel ridiculous, which helped more than she would have thought. The man knew the wisdom of not taking oneself, or life, or anything really, too seriously.
She liked sparring with the Templars. She could see the holes in their chests too and she knew they could see hers. They were all trying to exhaust their pain, drain it out, beat it into submission with physical exertion so at least the hurt wouldn't spread and consume more of them. It did help, she had to admit. Some feelings, when bottled up, were nothing but poison. That was a wisdom that Cullen seemed to know well, so he encouraged the healthy sparring.
Cullen. She lov...she really enjoyed spending time with Cullen.
When they talked or strolled or just sat, she would often notice that she'd been smiling and the hollow sensation in her chest felt less so. She would savor the feeling for as long as it lasted but eventually what flowed would ebb and she was left with the hole again. She wondered if anything would ever succeed at closing it or filling it or stitching it back together or if she'd be better off working on covering it up as best she could so at least she wouldn't appear to the world to be quite so miserable.
Sadly, she knew she'd never be able to cover it up sufficiently for Cullen not to notice. He'd seen the hopeless black corner of her soul and every color she had inside her from red rage to grey indifference. Yet still, he valiantly and aggressively treated her completely normal, as he treated everyone, whether they be a lyrium addled ex-Templar or a broken down ex-Inquisitor. She appreciated it, that she didn't have to be reminded of anything when she was with him, she could just be. She let go of all pretenses and was able to act the way she wanted to act, say the things she wanted to say and not think too hard on how it sounded. Sometimes she sounded casual and content in the moment and sometimes she sounded biting and bitter, trapped in the past. Either way, he was steadfast in his companionship, the very essence of patience. She doubted the vigil preceding a Templar's vows was half as rigorous as the one he now stood against her angst.
But he, she reminded herself, was the one who'd found her, so there must be some reason he continued to abide her presence and her emotional vacillating.
You're a charity case. You know this already...
Wait. No. She didn't know that actually. Actually, she knew it was something more, but perhaps she just didn't want to see it yet. It appeared she was ready, however, to start objecting to the voices in her head.
"You're smiling."
"Hm? What?" Evelyn looked up to see Cullen staring down at her, having snuck his way across the field to come up beside her without her noticing. He sat down next to her in the grass.
"Deny all you want. I saw it. It's been happening a lot lately. Be careful. Someone else might see."
She couldn't bring herself to be upset at his joking. And she couldn't stop herself from smiling.
"In fact," Cullen added, "Make sure no one else sees. My pride would quite like it, I think, if you only smiled around me."
Her smile was now joined by a familiar feeling of warmth that Cullen's presence imparted, filling in all the cold and empty spaces inside her. "It's early yet, shouldn't you still be helping with the building?"
Are you trying to get him to leave? You know you'd rather he stay…
"There's lots of us to do the work. We'll be finished with the addition in short order. No one will mind if I dawdle for one afternoon." He shrugged and leaned back on his elbows to watch the passing clouds overhead.
Evelyn was surprised at that. "I'm not sure I've ever seen you 'dawdle'. Do you even know what that means?"
Cullen chuckled. "It's hot. Want to go down to the lake for a swim?"
As if he heard the word 'swim' from across the farm, Pup came bounding over to them, his giant Mabari tongue wagging in hopeful anticipation. When Cullen stood, the dog ran off immediately in the direction of the lake.
"Come on. He thinks we're going to race him. Hurry up." He held out his hand to help her up. She took it and rose, but then grumbled.
"I'm not racing the dog down to the lake, Cullen."
"Alright then..." He said perfectly innocently, before he pushed her back down to the ground. It was a gentle push, delivered with a cheeky smirk, but it was a push nonetheless. "...you can race me down to the lake." Like a child, he took off at a run, leaving Evelyn to struggle back upright and dust dirt off her backside.
"Ugh. Of all the immature…" But she never finished her complaint. She growled, sighed, rolled her eyes and then ran after him as fast as she could.
Pup and Cullen were already in the water when she arrived, huffing, puffing and sweating after her run. "You're both cheats." She accused them as she stripped down to her smalls and tested the water with a toe. It was clear and cold and she shivered despite the heat of the day. She considered just sitting at the bank and letting her legs dangle in, but instead she did a dive.
She resurfaced with a shocked yelp, but quickly adjusted to the temperature and waded over to Cullen who was throwing a ball back out onto the grass for Pup to fetch.
"Evelyn, may I ask you something?"
"Of course." She spoke the words calmly but felt a sinking in her gut.
You don't have to throw up a wall at every simple question. He should be allowed to ask you things for Maker's sake! Trust him...
Her inner chastisement was swift and effective. She didn't want to be defensive all the time, so she set her jaw, determined to answer.
"I...uh...I wanted to ask you…" Cullen hesitated, looked up at the bright sun, floated on his back for a moment and then dipped beneath the surface of the water, bobbing quickly back up. Curly blond tendrils of hair stuck to his forehead as he rubbed water out of his eyes. "Maker, there's no good way to ask this…"
He groaned helplessly and Evelyn waited expectantly. Finally he came out with it. "I have to travel to Denerim for the Harvestmere festivals. I was wondering if you would come along with me."
That's his question?
"Um…" Evelyn had concocted several potential questions in her head while he drew up his nerve to ask, but none of them was that. "Do you...do you need me to come with you…?"
Well that was the most absurd reply you could have managed, 'Inquisitor'.
"Before you answer, there's actually more to this." Cullen mumbled the next part while avoiding her eyes. "On the way to the capital, I promised my family I would stop in South Reach for a visit."
"Your family…" She'd degenerated into a mindless echo of his statements apparently, too dumbfounded to really absorb what he was saying. She'd assumed he would prod her to talk about herself, now that she was making attempts to be more communicative. Instead, it appeared he wanted a travel companion for a little holiday. And he was asking her.
Cullen sighed and swam over to the bank. He climbed out of the water slowly and Evelyn caught herself admiring the glistening droplets running down the bare planes of his back. The heat in her chest rose a little and the hole there filled in a little more. He sat down with a heavy thud on the ground and looked out across the lake, appearing deep in thought.
Evelyn left the water too and sat down next to him, stretching her legs out to dry in the sunshine. Not yet sure where this conversation even came from or where it was going, let alone how she was going to answer his question, she just sat and waited for him to continue. The sounds of water gently lapping, wind rustling the leaves of the trees and the distant chirp of birds were the only things to listen to for a while.
Talking to the open sky now more than her, Cullen spoke again. "I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet. Quite the opposite of a house full of noisy siblings. I came here often to clear my head. Or at least try to until they eventually found me."
The peaceful half smile he wore as he related a bit of his childhood was wonderful to see. She lov...She really liked it when he smiled…
"I love my siblings, and I did go to visit when the war ended, but it was harder than I expected it would be."
Evelyn focused her attention on his face, his voice, the intonation of his words, the rise and fall of his chest, the pinpoint pulse of blood in his neck, the neatly trimmed hairs on his head tightening into ringlets as they dried. She enjoyed paying attention to all those little things as they sat together. She could listen to him talk all day about nothing, but hearing him talk about something dear to him, important to him, captured all her senses. The demons in her head quieted, the hole in her chest was soothed a bit more.
"I'm sorry, I really don't want to burden you with my rambling, but I promise there's a point to this."
"It's alright," She said softly, turning to face him, rapt and eager. "I'm happy to listen." And she was. If it was somehow selfish using him as a distraction from her own problems she didn't care. She wanted to be selfish. She wanted to enjoy this, enjoy him.
"They asked a lot of questions I really wasn't prepared to answer. About the past. My past. What I'd seen, what I'd done. I told myself I should be ready to share those things, especially with family, and they meant no harm, but it just made me uncomfortable and my reluctance to talk with them about anything made all of them uncomfortable as well. It wasn't the best of reunions. I think they understood, or at least they wanted to understand, but they couldn't really. I was hoping that if you came with me this time…" He frowned and shook his head. "It's damned selfish I know, but I always feel...better when you're near. Stronger. And if you were with me when I visited them again, I might be able to be more...normal?" He said that last part as if he was both questioning his word choice and questioning himself in general.
What a pair the two of you make. If it wasn't so pathetic it might be funny.
Evelyn just stared at him. He stared back at her, equal parts embarrassment and uncertainty behind his eyes, and yet there was also a paradoxical certainty there, one of perseverance. Evelyn looked down at his chest and saw the hole over his heart as clearly as she saw her own. His was a very old wound, but she could make out the careful stitches she herself had placed a long time ago and the healing that she helped cultivate there.
They were quite a pair, both pathetic and funny. So funny in fact, she laughed. The sound of it filled her up. Cullen's surprised smile at her outburst filled her up too. She laughed and laughed until he started laughing. When she stopped, she answered his question.
"I'd lov...I'd be really happy to come with you, Cullen."
He let out a long breath, then reached for his clothes. He pulled a small coin out of one of his pockets. He turned the thing over in his fingers then held it out to her.
"My brother gave me this coin the day I left for Templar training. I've held onto it all this time, but I've been wanting to give it to you. It was comforting at times to have something solid to hold onto. It always made me think of this place." Cullen gestured at the lake, the woods, the sky. "I like the idea of you holding onto it, and thinking of this place too. If..if you want it..."
Evelyn took the coin reverently and clasped it in her fist. "Thank you…" She wasn't sure what else to say, but unexpectedly one of the fucking demons in her head spoke for her.
"Cullen, why do you...why am I here? Why did you come after me? Why are you tolerating what I've become, who I am now? I'm not who I was, we both know this…" She looked down at the ground. There was more she could say, questioning his wisdom in devoting attention to her, questioning his sense in wasting time on her, questioning his sanity in caring about her, but she didn't want to. Suddenly she wanted to walk away, run away, her laughter now forgotten. She rose, dressed hurriedly and took off back towards the farm, her field and silence. Cullen shouted after her before she could escape hearing distance.
"Evelyn." He spoke her name like a command, loud, with force and purpose. She froze mid stride, not turning to look at him, but not continuing forward either. "Evelyn." When he repeated her name it was a whisper, but still she heard. She thought she could have still heard him amidst a thunderstorm. "Evelyn, I love you. I always have. I do now. I always will. I'm an arse for not telling you sooner, but you know that already. So now, I've told you."
When she turned around he had already gone back to staring out at the lake. She stared at the back of his head, not moving, holding her breath, unable to decide if she wanted to go forward, or go back. Eventually, still holding his coin in her hand, she ran back to her field, leaving him beside the lake.
She didn't see him for the rest of the day. She sat in her spot, clutching his coin as if she were holding onto a raft in raging river. Her mind was curiously empty when usually it was packed with doubts and demon whispers. To fill the hours and fill the space in her head, she thought of Cullen. Every moment she could remember since the first time they'd met, every argument, every awkward conversation, every shared piece of joy and pain. Her mind's eye conjured the memory of a broken man breaking a vile of lyrium against a wall, and the memory of a broken woman staring down at one bloodied wrist. She recounted everything across time and distance until she got to the moment a short while ago, sitting by a lake and feeling less like a husk and more like a person again. A person with needs and wants and desires. A person sharing things with someone else and not being so alone.
Evelyn stood. She decided she didn't want to be alone in this field any longer.
xxxx
"So you told her."
"I told her." It was too late at night to be keeping Rylen up reliving his failed afternoon at the lake, but he was doing it anyway. Cullen lay flat on his back in bed staring up at the ceiling.
"About time."
"I have horrible timing."
"No argument here, brother, but still, it's about time." Rylen rustled on his cot. "I'm going to sleep. Try not to keep yourself up thinking. That's never helpful."
Cullen kept himself up thinking. When the door to his bedroom opened unexpectedly, without a knock or any warning at all, he shot up, startled, as did Rylen who was half asleep. At the sight of Evelyn standing there they both relaxed.
"Evelyn...is something…" Cullen didn't get a chance to finish asking if something was wrong.
"Rylen, get out." She ordered.
Rylen grunted but got out of bed immediately, grabbing his pillow and blanket. He stumbled past her mumbling under his breath, "About time", and shutting the door behind him as he left.
Cullen was struck dumb when Evelyn walked over to his bed and dove right in beside him. He tensed as she curled up on her side and faced away from him. She pulled the covers over herself and settled in.
"Go to sleep, Cullen." She said, and she closed her eyes.
He said nothing about her strange invasion and promptly laid back down as commanded. He paused for a moment before he curled up behind her, at first not daring to touch, but he could smell her hair and sense her magic. He moved closer, pressing his chest to her back. She scooted and repositioned to mold against him. He reached out and wrapped his arm around her waist. She rested her hand over his.
"Good night, Cullen." She whispered as she tangled their fingers together, letting her body relax into the sheets.
"Good night, love." He whispered in her ear and he fell asleep with the feeling of her all around him, feeling full and complete, hoping she felt the same way, stronger together than apart.